Monday, December 27, 2010

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

I find this hard to comprehend. My sister, who started chemotherapy on Monday and will be 5 days a week for the next 6 weeks has to go alone. No fantastic 'partner' to hold her hand, all on her own. She gets dropped off, catches 2 forms of public transport & then walks a small distance to wherever it is she has her treatment. Rain, hail or shine. In the summer sun. Or so people tell me. Even if she wants to do this alone it's still 'crap'.

And the other thing that annoys me is that we're trying to reach out to her but shes ignoring us all, our family included. So what can you do? Not much when she pretends you don't all exist.

Someone is not a man what sort of man does this? He goes back to work. But he works for his Dad at the family business. Surely something better than this can be arranged so he can drive her into the city where she needs to be. Lots of words flowing around my head at the moment. It's really disgraceful:(

Jack Johnson - You and Your Heart (Live)

@WAHOOOO Last weeeeeekk :yoU & yOuR {♥heart} shOulD'Nt FeEL sO FaR ApArT ^_^ ♪♥ ♥ ♥

love times eleventy hundred SOUNDTRACK to my life, 'to the sea' is...........

thankyou Mr Johnson ^_^


Monday, December 20, 2010

I just finished making some of the little Christmas puddings that I'd made last Christmas, to take with me tomorrow which will be my last appointment for the year. Just something little to say thank-you & to wish her a Merry Christmas. There really is nothing I could buy to show my gratitude & felt that something from the heart is probably the best thing, and just something small. And I don't make too many things like that for people, mainly because I'm either lazy, don't have the brain space. Which sounds awful I know but it's not. Not much you can give to say "Thanks for giving my life back", it's fairly huge.

Yadda yadda enough of that...:)

Sunday, December 19, 2010

I've had a really good week & feel 'empowered' to be able to go on with what is left to go on with & to do it in a positive manner:) I feel like I'm able to look from a safer distance & it feels like I've moved forward a bit more. I'm happy with where I am atm:)
I don't think it will ever be totally done, it's a work in progress, it's just life but it needs to be managed & not feared:)

Friday, December 10, 2010

Borderline Personality Disorder.....= my Mother??!! I think I might now have an answer to all of this insanity!!! and no I am not crazy but stuff actually did happen & was very real!! This is something I need to research and learn further, it could be the answer..

Never in my life have I seen that many pages bookmarked in a book let alone bookmark them myself.

So what does this mean now? It is a relief. And to find out the way shes treated me is actually nothing to do with me but it's all to do with her. I'm going to read this entire blog again (soon) and I think I will be able to see everything so much clearer and in a different light.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Madonna - I Deserve It

Why women leave their children

While browsing for books at the local library, just anything of interest to add to the already growing pile I had in my arms , I found this book and I'll be honest, I was not only happy about finding a book that relates to the very thing that has bothered me to my core but also maybe it could give me some insights to something that I can't understand. Sure, my own kids can piss me off & you can understand why some mothers in nature eat their young but all jokes aside, It will never sit right with me. Never. And I know I've lost respect for my sister now for even doing it.


..This is a book about women who have children & for the most part, expect to live with them & look after them during their years of childhood & adolescence. And yet, either through choice or force of circumstance, or a combination of both, they find themselves living apart from their children, sometimes far away, sometimes in a situation of love, often in one of great pain & conflict.

This is also a book about the rest of us, the people who do not leave their children, the ones who judge & sometimes misjudge, who are hostile or shocked or disturbed by the breaking of preciously-guarded rules concerning mother-love & who because of these attitudes inflict further pain on the breakers of these rules.

'It doesn't seem natural' is the way one man summed it up, & the sentiment rings true for many others, men & women alike. 'How could she?'...'I can't imagine anyone doing it'...are the kinds of responses women give to the idea of mothers wilfully living apart from their children, though we are all very familiar with men doing so.

I embarked on this book as one entering unknown territory. I wanted to know: who are these women? why do they break the rules? what happens to them afterwards? do they really love their children? If I, too, started out half-expecting unnatural women committing unnatural acts, I finished up with something far more complex, often heartrending & sometimes exceedingly disturbing.

The first chapter interestingly enough is called Leaving for a lover

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Better out than in

Now I can get on with my day which has been pretty bloody good so far:D ☼

ItalicI've been doing a lot of research lately, be it online or in paper form, I'm gathering heaps of information which I'm finding most of it applies to me .
I could have written all these things.


....Children who grow up 'motherless' see the world in a different perspective than children who have their Mothers. Aside from having to grow up faster, they tend to appreciate the little things more because they realize that the things we often take for granted are far too precious to ignore. For example, when a mother and a daughter are seen at the grocery store shopping together, we often do not think anything of it. In fact, that just seems like a normal, common, everyday thing. However, through the eyes of a motherless daughter, it almost brings tears everytime she sees a mother with her daughter because she longs for that feeling of being able to shop for groceries with her own mother. Little things like that, that we often subconsciously take for granted mean the world to a child who is motherless

^^^^^This one, I have been noticing a lot lately. A couple here where we live have recently had their first baby & it's hard to not notice her Mum who comes here during the day to help her daughter. I often find myself thinking "I hope she appreciates that"..and then I realize what I've thought & stop thinking about it totally. Some people might say "What are you on about you have your Mother shes not dead, snap out of it pull your head in".

What those people don't seem to understand is that yes I DO have a living breathing Mother just down the road, but shes not here for me in any way whatsoever, she never has been and not at all in the way that I need her to be. She'd rather throw $50 at me then drive off thinking her job is done & then we don't hear from her or see her until the next big family 'gathering' but in between that she's somehow (again) caused or causes a lot of chaos. I've also realized I'm probably not the daughter that she wants/ed either.
I don't need her here holding my hand helping me to put dishes away or even hanging out my washing but what would be nice is if she could have been that sort of Mum who is there for you emotionally and actually has your back. The sort that almost everybody else seems to have.

When I think of 'Mothers', I also think about Grandma . That's where I would have this gaping hole in my heart filled. It's as if my heart is in portions. The portion where she lives is empty, red, aching, no life at all it's actually 'drained' & I can see that it's empty and then the other portion where my hubby & kids and other family members 'live', it's's full, vibrant, warm and really beautiful. I've got the worlds best husband and kids I adore them like you'd not believe but nobody can fill what's missing & from what I can see, always will be no matter how much i think she's here with me, she lives in me...or at least I want her to be-.

What I want is her here for real, to reach out to and to be able to touch. To hug and to kiss. To laugh and sometimes cry to.

I will always see Mothers with their adult daughters they're not going to go away and they don't even bother me every time I see it, it's mainly when it's quiet when I'm least expecting it this pang of hurt pierces me & then it goes away again. Which I guess I should be thankful for, (that it goes and not stays).

Note: My brother rang this morning & he now knows why I've been keeping away from them & that it's been his other half sticking her nose in where it's not wanted... & by his own admissions he says 'she needs to butt the hell out '.. if she ever mentions to me again that our Mum is our mum & my job is to love & forgive and be there for her and never replace her (& how would I feel if my eldest child came to me one day and told me he had a new which I replied that I'd have to look at the situation as to why he is saying that)... she'll be getting her head ripped off pretty fast by the both of us & my brother  will 'understand' as he put it. Just because she has a good relationship with her Mum does not mean the rest of the world does also. She's an extremely narrow minded person that was raised by her own proud admissions to 'never apologize' & if 'someone doesn't meet her standards of an intellectual person that is as 'high' as she is, she de-friends them'. what can I say. Not wasting any time there either. My brother could have done so much better...*sigh*...

Saturday, November 20, 2010

While I'm at it (purging for me is best lately than not) is not happy with being sent numerous emails all forwarded on from Mum, from her 'internet dating' friends. Not interested at all in getting a VW car with a vagina painted on the front of the Mum it's not remotely funny, at not at least from you.

Maybe from my friends, but not you. I opened 2 emails looked for a whole of 2 seconds at each then hit delete on the lot. I'm no prude but this is not something I am going to encourage or even 'laugh' at with or from makes me sick to read where they came from, all male names I have no idea who they are..& to think shes already out there & getting attention from random men be it on 'her terms' or not, I still find is extremely unsavoury seeing it's not even 5 months after her husband has been dead.

Out of control with no idea how to make her life better & no interest either. And doubly irresponsible for sleeping with one already and using no protection..."He said he knows where he's been in the last 6 months & I'm safe"

BAHhhhhhhhhhhh *not listening*

Friday, November 19, 2010

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

*..."there is nothing that can be done to unchange it. You can't make abusers apologize, & even if you could, the apology does not change what they did. The change has to come within the person who has been abused. That is the bottom line. You must make a decision to move on, let it go & live"....

* ~If you love where you are in your life (& I do), it's a waste of time & energy to hate where you've been. If you go on a journey and end up rolling down a mountain, falling off a ravine, being dragged by a swift-moving stream, get dumped off a waterfall & wake up to find yourself in a beautiful valley filled with warm sun, nurturing pools, abundant fruit & adoring friends - why waste time cursing the trip that brought you to Paradise?

This I totally get now.....

You are under no obligation to forgive somebody who has never repented but you are under an obligation to your own self to let certain things 'go' so you can get on with your life. And there is a difference between letting go and forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a 2 party exercise:repentance means that they take responsibility, have remorse, try to repair it and not repeat it. When they do that you are under no obligation to forgive, but you can decide that it is unhealthy for you to keep harboring ill feelings & just get on with your life as a healthy, happy individual dealing with current realities out of the shadows of your past.

~Some of you will be able to handle the limitations, others of you would be better off with no contact. Don't jump into the deep end of the pool when you can't even tread water. If you can never get yourself to tread water, keep away from the pool or you will just keep filling your lungs water and your life will be a continuous experience of small emotional and psychological drownings.

It's as though your heart has a LOT FULL sign hanging over it.

She's talking to me..

Friday, November 12, 2010

Whoever has put this on youtube has put in some of the lyrics wrong ~ lol that makes me laugh when I see it haha

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Heeeeeee ^_^

I was a little cranky late last night...

Today was good though, I got to talk about both topics & we went over the hour, often was pretty relaxing this morning, really nice actually.

I started off with saying how I want to talk about my Grandma first and that I'd done as she'd suggested & made the birthday cupcakes & it didn't take long for me to start crying. She said it's ok to feel things as much as I do, you're either a harder person or you're not & it's obvious that I am not. She's the same. She told me that it's emotional intelligence being able to show emotions & allowing them to come out as well as something else but of course I've forgotten..(I forget a lot of things but that's alright it won't be forever).

I'm happy with what she said to me,what she helped me to see & I saw today that it's not just me who gets like that.. I seem to be the only one though in my family who gets this way though, my Mum and sister are the complete opposite. Which yep make me feel like a wussy or in my own words about myself, a sap. I'm a self confessed sap.
But what it is is that I'm just wired differently but its seen as a weakness & I feel like a bit of a weirdo. When really, when I'm not around them I know I'm not.

It's also becoming increasingly apparent how much I really am like my Grandma, and I love it. I love to hear it, I love to realize it in my own quiet moments during the day & I love to hear stories about her through other family, things that I never knew and the way she'd go about her daily life & would do things. True I learnt a lot from her but it really is like she gave birth to me and not actually my own mum. It's also common my psychologist told me that often the 'children' take after their grandparents more than their own parents. And in this case, I feel really happy & know this is true for me.

I also feel in a sense re-birthed. The old me the cranky, stressed out about things, the way I'd have to have things just right, perfect done is being replaced by a more calm & relaxed me..the one who was always there looking out through all of these things that were put in front of me all those years ago when I was a little kid. I really like her.

I never told anybody this but on the morning of Grandmas birthday last week, I was still in bed. The fan was on slow & just a sheet on..hubs was in the bathroom getting ready for work & I closed my eyes and started to drift off I guess not to sleep, but just lost sense of time & where I was exactly in that moment. I started to hear him making noises in the bathroom, just opening the cupboard doors & putting things on the bench..turning the tap on & I was back to when I was a little girl laying in bed in the mornings at my grandparents house, the air was always cool & she'd be out in the kitchen (which was the next room) tidying up from breakfast that Grandpop had eaten (& by this time he had already gone to work), getting whatever it was ready that she'd do for the next time to eat and waiting for me to hop up & then we'd eat together.

What I am saying is, it was like she was here on Friday morning, with me ♥ I might sound nutty & you know what? I don't even care. This all happened on its own. I had a de-ja-vu. It made me feel full of peace & a bigger love that I can't explain & I know that it's happened before, & it was her at that time too.

It's easy for me to think shes gone shes not here because I can't see her, but she is. She's here in me & I can't think of anything more beautiful & calming..she's probably with me everyday & I just don't know it, or even care to realize..I know there have been times when she seems to be 'around' there is this presence I can't really explain let alone share it with anyone..& now there's tears of happiness welling in my eyes but I can welcome it without feeling silly or a's ok!!.

I adore her & am thankful that I had her. I can say a day hardly goes by without me thinking about her. It's hard to think that she is gone, and what I miss are those everyday things, the things that she missed even the 'nothings' she is missing.

Interestingly enough on her birthday I kept myself extra busy as I was aware that it could be a different day this year after having seen who she really was in my life & her importance to me as a mother, but I also recognized it's not just that day that I feel it is every day..and all of those things I just mentioned...

I know I am going to have to learn how to deal with when something happens to grandpop. I also know it will be an end of an era. The end of something that was so good it's almost unbearable and uncomprehendable to me to think that it won't be here anymore .. And it's all nothing I can do anything about. How do people accept this when this happens to them? Do they just suck it up & move on? I feel like this is a brick wall I can't see over. This is something I am going to have to talk about again, on another day, about Grandpop.

She also told me today that maybe it is Grandma who is my biggest loss in life & maybe it won't be on such a grand scale when it is my Grandpop. I think I get what she is saying... but losing him is going to be something i don't want to think about.
Something I learnt last fortnight..What I need to do is to let go.. if my dad has let go and moved on then I should be able to do it also..afterall, it was him who was cheated on and kicked out of his own family home.
I don't know how he did manage to move on from the things that were being said about him and still are to this day are often more than not, unforgivable. But still he seems to have, or has he? Has he just chosen to 'ignore' it all? I don't know.

And I've also forgotten what else it was that I was going to say. Goodnight x
We made these 'plates' at my brothers Pre-school not long after Dad moved out so I was either in grade 4 or 5 & it's obvious as to what was going on. I remember getting into trouble from one of mums friends and her saying to me in a condescending tone "Why did you have to write that on it"? ...fucking bitch where are you now & did you know the truth? Probably not. Were you qualified to comment? Most definitely not.

So clearly this is the shit kids say and do when they feel in the middle of both of their parents. You love them both, equally. I remember saying they can cut me in half and each side will go live with each parent even though I knew it was not possible but it's how I felt. Equal, keep it choosing one over the other & don't make me feel like I have to make that choice either. But the constant put downs of my Dad in front of people that we knew and also strangers who then thought my Dad was the biggest arse on this side of the earth was really bad in so many ways. They'd look at you like you were to be pitied and also some sort of freak that had this weird life. Or at least that's how i felt. Fuckers.

Then years later, my sister says.."Why does it bother you so much Mum & Dad divorced who cares". thanks. I care but you were too young to know anything really but you certainly cared when it was ** whom she later broke up with. Weirdo. So selfish just like Mum is sometimes. Well a lot not just sometimes.
She says all sorts of shit, no empathy for anybody ever. Wonder where she learnt that from...

Anyway I have an appointment at 9 tomorrow and I'm a bit annoyed in the sense that 'yet again' it will be my Mum & sister that I talk about and not the things that I had planned to talk about. And if I leave it and talk about what I wanted, I will have those 2 in my head for 2 weeks more. Maybe I can decide in the morning what to do. I want the whole hour just for them to be able to go back & feel & let go & know I've given it my all. This is something I am getting stuck on, letting go of myGrandparents.

I need more than an hour 2 hours would be great. I can see my post is pretty angry again but I feel somewhat calm inside now that its out which is what I need to do..I need to purge.

Monday, November 8, 2010

2 things quickly..

My Mother is 'online dating' which I don't actually care about like I thought I would..the reasons are...

1. It was always going to be predictable that there'd be other fellas in the picture & yes to her credit she has had a while on her own. HOWEVER there is no way in hell I'd be looking for let alone looking at anything if something happened to my hubby, if I ever did even again..who'd be thinking this sort of shit? I'm not her though & she's not me..

2. She will leave me alone now. Her social life is becoming too full..

= WIN ;)


Blah, blah, blah continued...




Which of these emotions are good or bad OR positive or negative?

What makes then positive or negative, good or bad?


*Anger, guilt, shame, fear, sadness & embarrassment and anxiety are
negative emotions
*Negative emotions are bad, dangerous, irrational & a sign of weakness
*Negative emotions mean I am psychologically defective
*Negative emotions will damage my health
*People should hide their feelings
*Expressing feelings is a sign of weakness
*Strong emotions mean I am out of control
*Women shouldn't show anger
*Men shouldn't show fear

*I must keep my emotions in tight control
If I don't control my emotions, something bad will happen
Negative emotions mean there is something wrong with my life

Where did those stories come from?

This was particularly interesting to me the topic of 'Emotions'. You might remember reading back I had no idea what this one would entail mostly because I do find it very easy to express myself. Really interesting..

I naturally said the words in the first 2 lines were all negative words and the last line were positive workds..right? No, wrong actually..

Fear is what our body alerts us to when something that's not good is about to it keeps us safe (tick!)

Anger is our internal 'alert' when something is not right also...

Shock is there to protect us .. be honest I can't remember this one I will have to ask again tomorrow..

So basically, negative words are there to help us, not be taken in the context to which they actually are..

Out of those options of which 'stories' about emotion are true for me would have to be...

**Anger, guilt, shame, fear, sadness & embarrasment and anxiety are negative emotions**....

But I now know they are not..

What was your childhood programming?

(Edited to simplify this)

As you were growing up, what messages were given about emotions?

This was one thing that my Mother did do right, she displayed a broad spectrum of emotions.
Which emotions were you told were desirable or undesirable?
Anger (which was directed at her)
What were you told about the best way to handle your emotions?
I wasn't told or hardly 'taught' anything, what I learnt was either from other people or I figured it out myself.
What emotions did your family freely express?
Anger & then happiness when it suited or when others were around.
What emotions did your family suppress or frown upon?
Loyalty to my Dad
How did the adults in your family handle their negative emotions?
Openly and with alcohol
What emotional control strategies did they use?
Yelling & screaming, reversing situations to make you feel like the guilty/wrong one
How did the adults in your family react to your negative emotions?
I was told to be quiet and to respect my Mother. One day that stands out was the day I confronted her about my parents breaking up . I'd found from family members of her own that she cheated on Dad & then I was told that I was wrong and how awful to upset my own mother like that & how could I hurt her
What did you learn by observing all this as you grew up?
To not repeat the way that I was parented. Or not parented really. Not to repeat those mistakes I watched the adults around me making.
As a result of this programming, what ideas are you still carrying around today about your emotions and how to handle them?

I think that if there is an issue with anything it's better to address it and deal with it in an amicable way. There is no point sweeping things under the rug, they're still there they're still unresolved issues.
If I feel happy I express it, if I feel angry I let it out too but I try not to hurt people and if I do I apologize rather than be a stick in the mud . Try to be the bigger person & see my own downfalls & know I do make mistakes & that is ok. So long as you learn from them. I'm not perfect and never will be nor never want to be but its better to admit when you are wrong in a situation instead of just not ever saying 'sorry' which is one thing my Mother will never or has to this point done.

Saturday, November 6, 2010

Happy Birthday..

Happy 85th Birthday Grandma ♥...

Yesterday was her birthday, & to be honest it wasn't this awful upsetting day like I'd anticipated it to be..but having said that I made sure I kept myself extra busy. Sure I cried in the morning but that was it, which is good. This year certainly feels different knowing that shes the one who was my Mum so I naturally assumed that this time would be a little bit harder than most.

I told my Dr this date was coming up & she suggested I make it a celebration of her instead of feeling down, which really, is what birthdays are supposed to be. I can see that I often choose to be upset that shes not here instead of thankful for what 'once was' but it's not easy & some times or occasions are worse than others. So I made her these, & yeah it was pretty nice to remember her this way..

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

-Bad Childhood Good Life.. by Dr Laura Schlessinger

When you come from a bad childhood, I think it makes you less sympathetic for anyone who uses it as a crutch for every poor decision they have made with their lives. I do think of myself as a compassionate person, but I always find myself asking the question, 'What is the difference between me & him (her)?' The difference is that I have a memory when I was about 10 years old & making a somewhat conscious promise to myself that someday I would 'make' a good life for myself. I hung onto that promise. I made it happen- and I don't look back'.

Monday, October 25, 2010

..Isn't it frustrating when you do a huge post & then you somehow accidentally delete it?
( :/ )

I might come back later when I can *think* about what it was that I said in my opening post BEFORE I had copied some of the information from this sheet of paper, which is sitting beside me...**sigh**

*closes laptop & gets up muttering to self*........

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I'm not saying that my NM definitely has BPD but all the information so far does make it seem highly likely, & if my Dr has said she thinks/feels there is more to her 'bad behaviour' than meets the eye, then I am very happy to trust her with that.

Not only has she given me the ability to put my life back , she's made a lot of things now look perfectly clear.

Not to mention the information regarding BPD that she has given me already, I also have researched this as well & to ignore this would be foolish.

One incident recently (that I know of) is that my mother  hands out sleeping pills to anybody who wants them..then has to go back to her own GP to get more prescription. Hopefully there are no other medications that she is giving away she's got a lot. I know she self administers dosages of medicines with her own grand-kids when she sees fit because she did a' pharmacy course' way back before our eldest son was even born.

So according to her she's qualified you see...'and you ignore the dosage amounts on bottles you always take a bit more'. She lives by no boundaries, no rules & no reason to do the right's her way or the highway.

*Looks out towards the highway*

An extract I found which was very similar to myself.. edited to fit my own situations.

Remember this is partly not mine. I am only relating!!!!....Please read along..

When I was a teenager, she was very inappropriate socially– flirting by batting her eye lashes, making her eyes really big, wearing tight jeans & high heels while strutting , and laughing this loud, haughty laugh. She also would engage in inappropriate conversation with my friends regarding sex. She would talk to me about sex (in a friend to friend way, not mother to daughter way).
By the time I was a young adult, I found myself making excuses for her to company- or I would be so embarrassed that I would leave the room. One time we were out with a large group of people She started talking about when my period started and its complications. I could tell how appalled some of the people were– and I wanted SO MUCH to crawl up underneath that table.

BACK again. It is scary how many people out there all seem to do similar things..but why is it my mum??

Throughout my life she has had groups of friends and then dumped them, replacing them with entire new group of friends. At this point in her life, she doesn’t have any long term friends to speak of. The friends that are dumped probably wonder what the hell happened. My NM also seems to weasel her way back into the estranged friend’s life at serious times. She relishes drama and being on a crusade.
When she’s in a social setting, she feels as if she has to fill in the gaps and entertain, so many times she rambles about things that are inappropriate, laughs an obvious fake laugh, and thinks that she’s making people feel comfortable. In reality, she is making people uncomfortable with the constant chatter and the questionable topics. Sometimes she’ll divulge private information about family members — even when they’re right there. Many times I remember feeling my blood pressure rise when hearing her speak about my private life or private issues. If you say anything to her she turns the table on you and says that you are being ridiculous and shouldn’t be so sensitive.
My NM definitely doesn’t have a filter for what she says, but she also doesn’t have a filter for how she reacts. She flies off the handle, changing from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde instantly when she feels threatened, if you don’t agree with her, or if the topic is my Dad. And the fall out from the Mr. Hyde can last for months– with her viewpoint of what happened morphing further and further from reality. During these episodes, she’ll tell stories that become more and more deranged. She’ll try to get as many people on her side as possible, telling all sorts of lies, exaggerations, and misleading statements.

My NM lives and breathes the situation to the point that she believes her own lies. I think the only way she can live with herself after the dust settles is for her to believe her own lies. Her husband is so intimidated by her that he doesn’t help to keep her head in reality. He won’t contradict her as he doesn’t want to feel her wrath, so he goes along with her rants and twisted accounts. His complacency and seeming agreement with her only reinforces her belief that she is right– that her bizarre reality is correct.
She hasn’t connected the dots that she has cut off all family members , and that she is alone by her own doing. She hasn’t connected the dots that she has been married three times, one marriage failing because she cheated on her husband. She hasn’t connected the dots that she is taking massive amounts of anti-depressants for depression but has manic spells characterized by unlimited spending and eating, as well as bouts of not living in reality– and that she has stated that her son is schizophrenic but doesn’t recognize anything untoward in herself. Our brother is not, he is just very emotionally damaged. He was 4 years old when this started.
Basically, she is not in tune with her own emotions due to a low EI.

An extract of BPD

Someone with a personality disorder is usually a person experiencing chronic inner distress (for example fear of abandonment), which causes self-sabotaging behavior (such as seeking others who fear abandonment), which causes significant problems (such as rage at any perceived hint of abandonment) — in their work lives and/or their personal lives. They may function quite well in one setting, but experience chaos and repeated problems in others. They look no different from anyone else, and often present as very attractive and intelligent people. However, it is usually after you spend some time together — or observe them in a crisis — that the underlying distress reaches the surface.
As interpersonal distress, fear of abandonment, and an excessive need for control are predominant symptoms of personality disorders, they place a tremendous burden on a marriage. Therefore, intense conflicts will eventually arise in their marriages and the divorce process will also be a very conflictual process. In contrast to people who are simply distressed from going through a divorce (over 80% are recovering significantly after 2 years), people with personality disorders grew up very distressed. It is the long duration of their dysfunction (since adolescence or early adulthood) which meets the criteria of a personality disorder.
Usually they developed their personality style as a way of coping with childhood abuse, neglect or abandonment, an emotionally lacking household, or simply their biological predisposition. While this personality style may have been an effective adaptation in their “family of origin,” in adulthood it is counter-productive. The person remains stuck repeating a narrow range of interpersonal behaviors to attempt to avoid this distress.
A personality disorder does not usually go away except in a corrective on-going relationship — such as several years in a counseling relationship. Until then, the person may constantly seek a corrective experience through a series of unsatisfying relationships, through their children, or through the court process. In a sense, untreated personality disorders don’t fade away — they just change venue.
Last night after the kids went to bed I went back & read my entire blog from the start up till now..listened to the songs with earphones on.. it's really interesting to see things from this side now.

I can see I had an inkling on some situations, before my appointments & that's a really interesting thing to me. And some situations, clearly none.

I also notice the past few posts where my mind was in a mess are pretty jumbled. A few others are too . I've gone back and fixed up the first post I ever made. The others I have left as they are.
It was also good to go back & really read things to do again with my NM.

It's been a very eye opening year so far.

One eye opener that was brought up to me by my psychologist, (& on her admission shes not diagnosing her shes not seen or even spoken to our Mum) but the things I am telling her about her, the things she has done, said or caused.. the things that have happened during my own life seem to be from someone that has 'BPD' & that maybe we are not dealing with a normal person here.

'Borderline Personality Disorder.'

So I came home & googled it & what do you know, it's as if someone has just explained her to me.

Scary stuff, but a huge thing to think if she does have this thing going on with her, I can breathe a sigh of relief to know that to step away is not a nasty or mean thing on my part but something that is beyond my means & something that I may have to do.

Throw alcoholism into the mix & it's almost unbearable. Actually it's often unbearable.

When I went to this appointment (when the above was mentioned), my psychologist was reading a book which she said was very applicable to me, titled 'Stop Walking On Egg Shells' which is EXACTLY how it feels when I'm having anything ever at all to do with my mum (as well as one certain sister in particular).

So I've bought the book & am waiting for it to arrive & I really look forward to reading this one. I think it's going to be extremely valuable even if she doesn't have BPD it's still going to help me in more ways than one.

She also told me a few things that happen in her family & that even though her job is a psychologist, that her own life & that to do with her own family is not 'neat & tidy' it's the same as almost every other family that is out there. So I'm not alone in thinking this is only my family.

Pretty much almost every family has some form of dysfunction it's just on different levels & when I think about people fairly close to me for example, they also have dysfunction of some sort in their lives be it now or in the past.

Actually I cannot think of one person at all who has had a normal life.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

At or With Me-Jack Johnson

Are they laughing at or with me - {who cares!}
I think this is a better you ♪ ...xoxox

Jack Johnson - Enemy

Just because I can ☼..

There is no room for 'Mr Negative' here in my life.

I want no part of it..all being angry does is change who you are & who you are really meant to be. And emotionally, it wears & weighs me down..

There is too much for me to be happy about, to fix my mind upon.. I' ve postponed my life enough this year to get myself back where I needed to be mentally.
So from today the 20th of October 2010 I am getting back into the game of life, more so than I have been..and not allow the rubbish that I know I don't want or own or have walked away from, to almost consume me again..

SO ... from now on if you see me heading back down that road of negativity I give you my permission to pull me back up! I'm not perfect & might fall again but my intention is to not let that always be a step ahead but feeling free & being allowed to breathe at the same time. I know it's easy to do I've done it plenty of times.

And also if you have something to say then please make sure it is fact & not fiction..think about it yourself before you throw empty words around that can hurt someone else so badly. Make sure it is from a place of truth & not from your own insecurities & agendas.

That is all I want.

And a big thank-you to my ever patient hubby I love you to the moon & back♥

What a difference a new day can make to your heart & mind huh!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


So I went to the beach
again this morning, it's been the first time in a couple of weeks.
I've really missed that time on my own.
Sure we've gone all together but
it's not the same as when it's just me.
That's my own time & it fills be back up.

It was beach covered with surfer guys too..just one out there on his own.

I hate the ones who stand and just look "PISS OFF" is what I want to yell at them

Just look the other way & let me have my space. You have yours give me back my own..

Space is what I need...leave me alone.

.. I turned on my ipod
& this song came on I really feel it
speaks volumes as to where I am with my sister right now. People who don't understand
are pushing me to be there to 'fix' things with her & it's gone beyond that.

And that doesn't mean it is always going to be this way, the way that it is right now.
I know that in my heart.

Nothing is ever forever.And that maybe might include my sisters life I am well aware of this, & don't need to be reminded.  I hope I am wrong. When the time is right for me to 'go back out there' I will know it & I am ok with that.

I'm at the place again where i feel things are bigger than I/we are/am in too deep again & I'm refusing to go back where I was, & go from where I am now. I also know this from the psychological feelings I get & the anxiety is coming back more than it was. I do have my own family to consider who come first & I refuse lose the plot again because of so many others who just want me to do what they want, be the one who helps her be that strong person because according to them, I am all she has.

And the reason is that "****'s  got nobody, not even her kids all she has is you"

"How would you feel if that was you?"

I feel they are saying this because it will stop them from having to step up and to try to help her themselves...but it's not my job ffs!!! She doesn't even want help!!! She doesn't want to do things that are obvious to everyone else the bandaids shes using are not even close sticking it's not hard to see that happening & I'm not the only one saying that!!!


I am not responsible from her and can't save her, she can only save herself. This is why I am where I am and am continuing with my psychologist vists & will be continuing them next year also.

Monday, October 18, 2010

it gets really frustrating when people tell me I should be there for my sister when the truth is I've most often always been there for her & they'd not know that because not everybody knows everything all of the time nor were they there to see it.

Also, I'm not sure why it'd be different if it were me who left my hubby and kids for a guy on the internet is any different than her. Apparently for me it'd be very out of character but for her, she's 'looking' for something.

But the thing is this, the thing she is 'looking for', she had. Didn't she?

I think it's just a big case of the grass is greener.

More like the grass is greener because it is fertilized with bullshit.

Nothing is greener.

Making better choices and thinking before acting might be this 'greener' that they speak of. I think?

I don't know because again, it's not me thinking it.

So just put the fact that she has cancer aside for a moment & yes it kinda feels yet again that she gets away 'scott free' that bad decision making is almost excused for her and I just have to be there for her & support her....and shes still being nasty when she sees fit..

Which is a heck of a lot more than what they've ever done. And a fat lot of good that has done . It's never enough. but now enough is enough, and it's bad timing I know. I never planned it to be this way.

Nobody planned for her to have Cancer either (I do realize that).

She's made her bed & is now lying in it & it's up to her to 'get up' just as others before her have done. She is not the first and will certainly not be the last

I'm here if & when she needs me & to be quite frank I don't think she wants anything to do with me anyhow. Which is ok.

I say to those who like to judge me for my decision is to 'walk a mile' & then honestly tell me how it feels & what they themselves would do.

Becomes a lot harder then doesn't it.

Mmm funny that.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Jack Johnson - Situations

Jack Johnson - Crying Shame

Zach Gill - Family ft. Jack Johnson


how long has it been on your mind? do you think about it when we laugh?
I think that it's a big mistake cos I think that we could make it last even if it's just for a while
Wait here for now just long enough to be sure that you really wanna go through with this
Cos I don't really wanna go through with this ♥
Do you really wanna go through with this?

Monday, October 11, 2010

Another thing I've noticed is that I don't like to read back on blog posts which I've done, especially the ones that have emphasized problematic situations such as the previous one I just did before. I'm not wanting to dwell on the negatives at all it mentally tires me out.

Maybe that's the change within myself..not sure. Maybe I've heard it all before so it feels like I'm chasing circles.


I just went back a page & read & I don't think what I said about my FOO is completely right... I'm NOT ready to cut her out of my life not at all but what I am ready for is for the bullshit to stop. And of course this has done, because I've not seen or spoken to her.

So how I feel is this. When she can get her own life sorted out & gets rid of her hangups she has & can be a responsible person in her actions, words, choices & emotions then I wouldn't mind having a relationship with her. That's if she even wants one. I don't think it will be soon either because people have to come to their own things in their own time.

And all that is there atm is hurt, lies, jealousy & 'he said she said' words.

And she needs to stop listening to people who seem to be playing in this circle of 'dislike'. But they're her only support so, not sure when or if anything will happen. And I do know the one main person in her life is nothing short of a manipulating fucktard. It's almost as if he keeps her away from family because he knows she might 'see out'. Mind games big time, it's so easy to see.

I do know shes bullshitted to Dad, I honestly think she does not even get 'anything' yet. She's not ready to, she's trying to do this on her own & without proper help..which is what she needs.

She gets the help but it's help which is suiting herself..and not always honest help..more like omitting the truth type help. Surrounding herself with people that tell her what she wants to hear...

One good example is that she never cheated ..ah huh. Gotcha.

Nor did she ask her dickheaded  boyfriend to drive her past their house the night on which he took her on a 'date',the week before she actually left her family.. with her own family inside the house who could have been actually outside at the time taking the rubbish out or whatever they might be doing at any given moment... And I only know this because she told me when it happened.

Again she lies, denied it, said I made that up..not sure what I'd get out of this for making it up though... do you?

SO I know she is not dying of cancer & she thinks I don't care about her or am there for her. I am but I'm not going to tell her what she wants to hear nor am I going to allow her to use her self being sick as any sort of leverage.

At any moment that her cancer is or will become 'unstable' I'll be very available to her if and when she wants it. Until then, shes got to sort her own self out because right now together, we're no good and the brick wall is full of holes that I can't fix & I won't. It's insurmountable.


.. What have I been doing lately..hhmm lots of things. Normal stuff that we do as a family, schooling,a bit of catching up.. bbq's in crazy weather & I'm sure there is more which I've forgotten. Just life really:)

I've been reading a number of books for a while now all self help books (which I love) and just read another 2 fairly short books this past week I found at the library - both totally off topic but biographies which I really enjoy.
I squished them in over a few days in between reading my other books, as part of taking some more time out, which when I recognize I need it, I make sure I fit myself in...I've not even finished my second last blog about grandma. I'll get there.

I'm in no hurry:) Other things need to happen first. And besides that, I feel I need more time to talk about her on a coming Tuesday.

Tomorrow I know we are going to talk about Emotions so I am really looking forward to that. It's probably one of the only ones I've not really had a clue about what is going to happen beforehand so I am very interested in this one, as I have been with all.

I find it really easy to express my emotions I always have done even as a teeny thing, it's never been an issue for me. I know I am an emotional person & feel 'emotions' easily so yeah, whatever tomorrow is about bring it on:)

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

interesting but not..

It's been so peaceful & 'no stress' around here lately, gone back to how it was before those 3 weeks of 'contact' with 3 people in particular.

Not surprising really though is it.

It's a pretty good indication don't you think? hubs has noticed I'm back how I was before .. if push comes to shove which I am honestly half expecting it will.

I would avoid it if I could but they don't give you much choice.


Thursday, September 30, 2010

Much excited

I don't have enough time to post but I think I've realized this morning stuff to do with my Grandma. Basically she's still here with me, I feel her & she lives in me. She's not here physically but that doesn't mean that I've lost her for good..maybe you might think "What is she on now?" but for me it's a big step in the direction . This is what I wanted. I have to put groceries *bahhh* away now but I'll come back after I've read the chapter fully on 'Loss' in the 7 challenging days book (dr phil book I was talking about).

It's ok for me to miss her it's ok for me to cry as much as I do but the thing that I CAN do is honour her, with my own life :) ♥

I can do that.. Yep I can xxx

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


What a beautiful family I have♥
That we've made together

I'm exactly where I thought I'd be, where I could see myself as a 5 year old girl, well before her parents separated

Eat that 'yesterday, shame, hurt, pain, tears, frightened, angry & Mr negative'!!!

"Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong"
Winston Churchill ☼


♪ I'm not your bitch don't hang your shit on me

I'm breaking all the rules I didn't make
You took my words and made a trap for silly fools
You held me down & tried to make me break♪

♪ I just wanna be there when you discover...

Cheaters YOU suck!!!
The thing that hurts the most is that deep down I really love mum & it's when shes blatantly in my face & doesn't care, when she hurts with her yelling, her tone of voice & her words & tries to manipulate me I see it as if I've never seen it before & I get upset all over again. I probably won't ever work that part of it out. Strange I know.

I did have her once even if it was for a short while. We've still had happy times over the years but still, this blog would not be here if she was not the way she is. And I own some of this, sure I do but I didn't ask to be born yet alone emotionally abused by the one person who is meant to be anything but.
Yesterday was really stressful & subsequently I internalized it, hence how I was feeling. I was feeling the effects of anxiety in my body, sore muscles in my back & so on.
The day started out pretty good with an early morning walk on the beach, Jack playing loudly on my ipod. Then went home got ready & went off to my fortnightly visit which I really enjoy going to.

Having said that, I usually write Tuesdays 'off ' because I am never sure how things will feel or be after having had my psych visit that's just easier for me (& subsequently everybody else!)to not put on any extra pressure/s, to just rest my mind which is what I need to do.
Some Tuesdays are fine & other Tuesdays I curl up in bed & sleep & then I wake up feeling 'refreshed' again. It's actually really draining mentally & emotionally.

Yay for a new day though!!!

A really interesting thing that cemented home to me this morning while reading the first chapter in one of our Dr Phil books titled 'Real Life: Preparing for the 7 Most Challenging Day of Your Life' is the first chapter 'Stress'.

The past few weeks have been exactly that. A few big stresses. Finding out my sister has cancer was the biggest stress.
4 days later I then had my birthday which was a really nice distraction from all of this that has been going on for me this year . The best present for me though was finding out the night before that my sisters cancer is a grade1. Which is good if you're going to have it.It's not a 2 or a 3..4 being you have to finalize your life & prepare. She will have an 85% chance of survival. I said will.....

My sister at this stage (because she see's it that she's not dying yet and has the time) is refusing modern medicine, preferring to shrink the cancer on her own with diet & other therapies, refusing chemotherapy & radiotherapy as well as surgery to remove her actual organs because even though the cancer is encapsulated it's actually too big for them to remove without having to take organs.

However this is her choice, I have to respect that. Which I do. Doesn't mean I have to like it.
I know I don't like it or agree but if she wants to use some time then it will only be her in the end to blame if her cancer spreads.

She is choosing to ignore Doctors advice, shes trying to tell me the poison they put into her body is worse than the cancer itself...hhmm...okayyyyyy then.

She also tells me one thing & gets me emotionally involved, then tells the truth to other people, with everything. So wants my support but lies at the same time. One minute you are helping her and she loves you the next she hates your guts.

Now I probably appear really cold. I'm not at all with what I'm about to say but make of it what you will.

Some big shits just recently gone brothers girlfriend is involved. 

I don't want anything to do with her or my sister anymore. It's not her choices on her cancer, it's everything else. Our entire lives as sisters. It's not good, rarely has been. We're no good together. Cancer can't even repair us.

There is more but I'm letting it go. None of it was true. It's removed from my mind and it's staying that way. Accusations were thrown around, a 3rd party was involved...I'm out. I don't want to be involved in this sort of thing anymore because it seems to be a game that goes around and around..people playing head games & so on. In ways my sister is already dead to me and it's been like that for the most part of the last 2 & a bit years. Harsh words I know, but it's the cold hard truth, whether people like it or not.

And it's usually those people who have not had this sort of thing happen with them that say "But she's your sister".

And?? Maybe they have normal families so can say that.

The rest of my family, is great. I know what is normal and what is not and none of this is. It's all extremely negative. If they were friends I'd cut ties also.

It's like being in a bad relationship, nothing changes unless you take action. And on the whole I think I do but I don't really. What I really do is ignore it/them & it's not until a problem of some sort presents itself & then I lose the plot totally. Sometimes it can be the smallest of detail but it's enough.

I now have no contact details at all. She is out of my mind, and my stress levels have reduced dramatically as they had done on and off during the past 2 and a half years. Ot And it's not about sticking my head in the sand.

I do have a peace about my decision.

We are never going to have a normal, friendly, loving relationship. It's too flawed, strained. Always been strained & it's not just the normal sibling rivalry it's a lot more . It's always been full of false accusations, jealousy just to mention a few. It feels as if I am not allowed to be my own self, have my own family separate from them. Not separated as in nothing to do with each-other but the time I have for my husband & kids isn't easily 'shared' to be at their every whim. Which always seems is never enough.

Mum & Pam are so alike. History repeated itself. She learnt well. They're both cut from the same mould.

I do know I am tired of trying to help her & to be there, only to be labelled 'evil', 'toxic' & there is more. It feels like there are too many players in our relationship which sabotage and play against us.

Our Mother has helped to create this bad relationship that we have. Always playing one against the other. My sister the favoured one, me not. That was always made very clear & it still is.

My Mother was here Monday morning & looked me straight in the face and lied again. She doesn't care. It doesn't even register.

She is definitely next in line I am ready more than ever to tell her "We will see you once a year at Christmas & no more. Do not contact, do not worm your way back in & if you don't like that it will be down to nothing at all".

She had our 2nd son for a week, with my nieces. It was the first time ever that she's had any of our kids and within 15 minutes of him being dropped off she had gone over 3 boundaries. No shame, no feelings just totally rail-roading over the top of me as his Mum & all to make me look the bad guy. Manipulating now not only myself but adding our kids to the game. We gave her a chance, and she's blown it.

That's where the line is drawn, with our children.

That's right they are my husbands as well as my kids.

They are OUR kids. My mum calls me a child, then I think she sees my kids as her kids or something I'm not sure. But she's degrading. She forgets they do have a Dad also.

She had her kids, she made some less than ideal choices with herself primarily in mind with enormous consequences. This is not her chance to make up for that through her grandkids.

WE make the choices as to what happens with our kids & we together have made our decision.

Simple 'no' is not enough. A good example of her this week is she wants to have Sarah. She says "I want all my babies here"..except they aren't her babies.
I have told her no & the reason other than either of us trust her is that Sarah still holds her breath occasionally & it's still a worry for us. She doesn't have seizures anymore thankfully & it's been almost 4 years since we've had to call for an Ambulance but nonetheless it still happens.

SO she tells me she will watch her..I said to her she doesn't understand..the thing is she ignores them Sarah could be somewhere else & if she holds her breath mum won't know or see.

She's still not bothered & continued on. I told her she will smash her head on the concrete or wherever she is, which is what almost happened at least twice since living where we are. YOu don't have to watch her like a hawke but you must be aware pretty much at all times, call out to her if she does go quiet, it's just something she will grow out of and appears to be which is a very good thing.

In the last month we found her crumpled up on the bathroom floor, she hit her head & had a lump.

Again...Mum is not listening. And this is just another reason she shows us that she is not a responsible person when it comes to kids. She also has no respect for the use of car seats either.

I'll stop here.


Suddenly it feels a lot less all feels right. And I am not going to ignore it this time to keep other people happy. Look where that has gotten me. Nah-uh.

No more.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Elton John - Someone Saved My Life Tonight

I need a hug from my dad. Today's visit was exactly the right timing for 'things' & now I'm feeling it.
My back is sore I'm tired & I want to cry & just go to sleep. My nieces are here until this afternoon playing in the kids rooms & hubby has gone for a ride up the street with our eldest, so for now I'll sit here & pull myself together & maybe this can be the release that I need to let out

xox Dad

"I'm Still Standing"

You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use

And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I'm coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah

Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now

Monday, September 27, 2010

The 11th hour

I can't see that this will be my second last visit tomorrow, what I have to do is wait until all of my 12 appointments have been completed and then I can try for more. Fingers crossed I can continue them this year and if worst comes, next January which is not that long away but longer than I think I can go for but whatever happens happens & either way I am looking forward to continuing on this 'journey'. I've really enjoyed it if that makes sense. It's been uplifting, scary at times & also an enormous relief to have it all 'out'.

Of me.

I feel somewhat different, more at peace with myself, calmer & in general I am a bit quieter & happy to watch the world go by & just observe it, for now.

Speaking of observing, tomorrow would have been my Dad & Mums 36th Wedding Anniversary.

I'm not at all upset about it I haven't been for a really long time, it's just a day now that I don't forget & probably will never forget but instead to think about to myself & wonder "what if".

BUT there is no benefit in staying in that moment for too long, I'd not be where I am today had all of these things good & bad not taken place. I'd change nothing, well almost nothing.

Who am I kidding? I'd have slept those 5 years away If I could.

PS. hey..your sister has cancer..yeah I know But I am trying hard to pretend she really hasn't that was just a bad dream.
I've made blog posts & deleted them. I think because I made them in extreme anger then I realized I never wanted this negativity again. But it's back, but shortlived. I know how to deal with her this time & am keeping my cool, as in not affecting me like it did earlier this year.

Because I'm not conforming to what it is they want, shit hits the fan & in a big way.

All I can say is that a leopard never changes it's spots. Sick or not. And the nastiness coming out and all from something she did & me not bending over and taking it like I often did & never should have. Not to mention her denying the lot & then calling me a toxic, evil person who she wants nothing to do with. Tanty chucking at it's best & I'm not even bothered this time.
I'm also apparently jealous of everybody else and she hopes I have a good life... errr :/



It just goes around & around.. Why is it that within this year of me taking a break from certain family members, that our life became a lot less stressful & basically no drama's at all? Then in the last month it's all come back tenfold..a good lesson I think. I do know my DH is at his tether & is ready to rip off anybodies head that he needs to. He's over it as much as I am and can see they've been 'allowed' by us both as to not be rude to them or to hurt their feelings, to behave in this manner for far too long & it's all about to come to a major halt.

*Breathes out*

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Why now?

I'm sitting here ready to blog & all I want to do is cry. I only have 2 more sessions left and I don't think I'm ready to 'do it on my own' yet.

Am I? Or am I just scared?

And scared of what?

I feel 'safe' going, it's been my time out & I'm not ready to give it all up just yet.
I've almost run out of what Medicare covers you but I know I can ring my GP & he can arrange me some more.

I'm not sure what to do part of me says "tommorrow you won't even care don't worry about it" but another says
"Get a few more what will it hurt?"


Monday, September 13, 2010

Today my sister told me she has cancer

Saturday, September 11, 2010

jack johnson - no good with faces

turn your love - jack johnson


I had the weirdest dream last night. I was at my Grandma's funeral. The room was well lit & I was standing beside her coffin & looked over to my Dad who was sitting a few rows back.. I told him to "come up here don't be down there". Her coffin was a warm amber & it looked normal. The next minute it was thin in depth, about 10cm high & I'm not sure why.

A man from the funeral home brought a small round dish over & on that was some of her hair & I looked at it with a mixture of wonder & horror & not understanding any of it. Wondering why they'd saved it.
When I woke up this morning it was fresh on my mind & it wasn't one of those dreams that make you feel bothered or disturbed, it was actually nice I had a dream about her even though it was about her death.

I just googled this to try to understand it & I think it makes sense..

To dream that you are at somebody else's funeral, signifies that you are burying an old relationship and closing the lid on the past. You may be letting go some of the feelings (resentment, anger, hostility toward someone) that you have been clinging onto.

The thing is though I don't have any resentment, anger or hostility towards her, only the opposite.
This Tuesday the discussion is going to be about my Grandparents & I wonder if in my subconscious I am getting ready to 'say goodbye'. I don't want to though I never want to let go & right now I'm almost crying just thinking that this could happen.

Just like every other 'experience' that has happened & bothered me, has been fairly easy for me to see & to let go of & I've let them go & am still in the process of.

But I am not letting go, if I do that I'm afraid I've lost her forever. Which I know I already have physically but not mentally or inside. That's all there is left. I try to let go but I can't. It's just a part of me, like she was a part of me.

But this feels different in not wanting to let go because she really was my mum.

My Grandma, was my softest place in the world to fall.

She had my back & I had hers.

I miss her like nothing else, it all only feels like yesterday.

We lived with my Grandparents when I was a newborn baby. I know now (she admitted it a couple of months ago) that Mum never felt anything towards me until I was about 6 months old, mainly because she was scared of taking care of me. Bonding with my Grandma makes sense in every sense of the word.

It feels like yesterday that I was my own daughters age. I also remember going over there in the dark early hours of the morning with Mum & Dad the day that my little sister was born. I stayed with them & remember going to the hospital that night to see her.

And spending some (well lots) of weekend/s at their house. All the things we'd do & the smells, I can remember it all. I can't even begin to explain how good it was because you won't understand.Or maybe you will. It was our own 'utopia'.
We were so close & I looked up to her & I was the best thing since my Dad had been born ♥
I can still hear her voice in my mind the way she'd say "Ohh Darling". She had her own way of saying it.

She used to feed me up always. Thought I was hungry probably because I was a skinny little thing & she'd come in at night after I'd gone to bed to ask me "Are you hungry?" I'd always say I was & we'd go back out to the kitchen & she'd make me something yummy.

In the middle of the nights I'd go to her side of the bed to go to the toilet & they had an outside toilet which was freezing cold but she'd not once complain & stand there waiting for me, then put me back to bed.

I'd wake up . She'd still have the table set just for me & her & she'd cook toast in the wood fire. My god it was good & I remember going back home refusing to eat 'toaster toast' lol.

We'd eat cornflakes together & then we'd clean up & I'd help her do chores. It was fun.
Then we'd do stuff, all sorts of things just me & her.Sometimes we'd go shopping.

She taught me how to do things, things that my own NM never. Like how to set the table, how to make a bed & how you put the top sheet seam side up so that when you fold it back at the top over the blanket, it was nice & neat.

We used to collect chocolate wrappers in the tins they came in because 'the colours were so pretty' & we'd get them out & & group them all up & count them. . Little plastic farm & jungle animals, dolls out on the driveway in the morning sun..they also live across the road from the park & we'd go over there to the swings. All this stuff all this good stuff is what makes my heart smile &

I don't think I have grieved her. Actually I don't think I know I haven't. Instead I've closed my mind to it. I know she won't be coming back & I know i never got to say a proper goodbye to her, I never said goodbye at all.

When she was sick I never let on to her that i knew she had Cancer. And she never let on to me either. We were trying to protect each-other, from hurting and upsetting each-other.

The only thing she did say was "Silly Grandma hurting her leg hey"
And I just smiled & agreed when all the while I knew and I wonder if she did deep down too that i knew.

She'd gone shopping with her neighbor . She was stepping down 2 brick steps in the neighbors garage when her bone between her knee and her ankle 'snapped'.

She went to hospital & that was when they found her body was riddled with Cancer. Nobody had had any idea.

She'd previously had lumps removed from her Breasts many times and in the end it was secondary cancer that killed her. Bone cancer.

I remember the day Dad rang me to tell me that Grandma had cancer. It was like the world just stopped & all back ground noise disappeared. Dad said to me that they didn't think she'd live until her next birthday which was that coming November. She ended up surprising us all & lived until the following Easter.
What is there to say? I walked over to  (who was my boyfriend at the time), work to wait for him that night he was just about to finish working at the Servo & just sat there, digested it & waited.

He got to meet her & she said to me "he's a nice young man" & we both just smiled & knew. I think they only met twice before she died. She gave her 'approval' ♥ I'm glad to have had that I could have missed that also. Add it to the long list of things she missed out on.

We actually missed her funeral service, we only arrived just as the people were coming out of the chapel & her body had already been put into the car. We followed them to the Garden where she is buried but even then the whole thing didn't seem real. I still can't comprehend death very well.

The funny thing is this. Hubby told me after I'd met him that he asked God to send him someone to love, he didn't want to be alone in his life, there had been no-one special to him, & looking back, I think that he was sent to me because she was going. Did she somehow send him to me? I think someone 'upstairs' did.

She died a year & a half before we got married.

On our Wedding Day I wore her engagement ring on my right hand, she was there with me . It might sound corny but the diamond solitaire symbolized her eyes to me & it was my Dad who wanted me to have it, and brought it down for me 3 months before we got married.

Some people might be reading this & think "Ohh the little sap only married him because she had nobody else". Not true. Whether we had have been 30, 40 or even 70 when we had met we'd still have gotten married. We both knew the instant that we saw each-other all those years ago.

And I'm just grateful I got to share that with her, if only a small part.

I'm thankful that I had her I could have had no Mother figure at all & turned out to be a bitter person who continued it with her own children. I wish she was still here.