Wednesday, March 30, 2011

a quick thanks to Upsi~♥ this is brilliant & somehow someone somewhere, has conveyed my own words..

...Some children have sufficient psychological and emotional stamina and will to separate and distance themselves from the narcissistic mother. They find other adults who are protective of them and respect and honor their authenticity. (I have a Mother figure ~ my Great Aunt & Father figure in my Uncle ~ sorry Dad you know I love ya but they're here for me too they're in this circle of safety that I have had to have to be able to survive emotionally & keep intact) These are often adult family members who protect the child from the corrosive effects of narcissism. Many children grow up and finally recognize that they were never allowed to be their true selves, that they were manipulated and treated cruelly as a result of their psychologically disturbed parent and that this is not their doing or their fault. Some seek quality psychotherapy and heal the narcissistic mother wound. They now stand on the strength and grounding of their authenticity. They have come full circle---free from the obstructive oppression of the narcissistic mother and now true to themselves. This is a great victory that deserves our respect and understanding.

They'll look you straight in the eye & lie to your face

I saw NBM this afternoon & her new man ~ Again I like him he is good for her & I'm glad he is here. We seem to get along really well & I think things will be ok. When she left the room we had a small chat albeit briefly it was enough for me to say what I wanted & he responded. I really am beginning to think that he is just what she needs..but he's in for a ride & he knows it. He seems to care about her too...anyway...

We were talking about Mothers Day & how my FOO doesn't want to meet up for breakfast which is ok. She wants to see NBM on her own. I am not bothered at all & the conversation led to me saying "She's not talking to me anyway so yeah I'm fine with that I'm not going to ask her again I've asked her once it's up to her to do whatever she wants" & it really is~ She then says that my FOO doesn't want anything to do with me because I will start things to which I said

"We ALL start things, me, her & you do it we all do it."

She said "I do not!" & I said "Yes we all do it" & then her demeanor changed within that split second & she put on her 'witch' tone & tried to shut me down. I was honestly thinking "Oh holy shit here we go" but as quick as she started she backed down & passed the blame onto another FOO. HA-ha too hot was it?

I'll openly admit to starting arguments but they won't, it's everybody elses fault. She then said ..

"*** is the one who is causing all the trouble & is going back between you both"

She bloody well may be too but NBM I'm onto you & I'm also of the thought that you may have new scapegoat now ?~ you can deny your part in any of this as much as you want..I'm onto you & no fooling me anymore ... Throw in a few logs into the fire & then say you weren't even there. Haha whatever...

:) It's 'game over'~ I've hopped off your 'Merry-go-round of madness'. I'll own what I own but I won't be taking on anymore than I ought to like I used to. I sleep soundly at night.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Like It Or Not

i just got that rush of adrenaline & i can feel it's heart is racing, my throat feels tightened & I actually feel happy & excited :D....

I finally get to speak my truth without fear whether it's seen or not.

It's a good place to be in


I'm not going backwards

I've been thinking about this 'going private' & have decided to NOT go private after all for a number of reasons...

1.My decision to do so was purely based on fear. Fear of this blog being found & thrown in my face. But you know what? this is my story, it's not called "through my eyes" by accident. Everybody has their own truth & this is mine. I have already lost so much & am not going to lose more & allow fear to do it for me. I've lost relationships with family members & most of it is not even factual. It's a lot of chinese whispers & quite frankly I am over it. Most of it relates back to my NBM, stuff she has said to suit herself, to twist what was really said. What she happily & thoughtlessly puts out there with words that are so far from the truth it's not even funny. And then it gets passed along & goes on and on. You get the picture. One good example of late is that she tells me that my FOO doesn't want to talk to me & then she 'gloats' in the knowledge that she is the messenger..but how many messages are even real? Throw in a bit of hate & or anger & BOOM relationships just simply explode.

2. I don't talk to my FOO anyway. She wants nothing to do with me because I am toxic & evil. So at the risk of her finding this & then denying or throwing it in my face, it's actually ok. It won't be a first. This has been another thing for me, the feeling of not being able to speak my own mind & keeping quiet for others. They don't they don't at all, so why should I? I am also entitled to my opinion just like everybody else is but I find that when I do it gets denied & it's probably because they truly don't see things about themselves the way that everybody else can & what makes it worse for me is that all of these others say nothing to keep the peace, but because I speak up & then get shut down I'm a trouble maker. Basically I don't conform.

3. This stuff could be helping other people out there & I've always said if I could help someone else then none of this is wasted. I guess I am paying it forward.

4. Anonymous~ you have been on my mind & I know if I had something that was helping me in just a small way & then suddenly it was gone I know how I'd feel & as said before, fear won't be taking anything else from me.

*Ahem* 'Fear'~ you can kiss my fat ass.

So guess what BLOG it seems you're stayin♥

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

You Don't Have to Dance for Them: Lucky

You Don't Have to Dance for Them: Lucky: "Narcs drive many people underground - afraid to have any kind of online presence for fear of how the Ns in their lives will use it against t..."
I just went private, my FOO is blogging & I don't want her finding me. I was signed in & found her blog & of course 'looked'. Then I realized when she goes to her stats she will find this new email add... Breathe....

I'm not 100% sure if I've done this right I hope so. I hope anonymous messages me.

there's only so much you can learn in one place the more that I wait the more time that i waste

I'm going down my own road & I can make it alone

Don't ever look back oh baby ~☼

Your paradise is not for me

Monday, March 21, 2011

At the present moment I'm watching on my laptop my NBM's 2nd wedding & they've just pronounced them to be 'husband & wife'. The thing is though, he looks amazingly happy & is radiating...he thinks he just got a prize except I know he really gots the booby prize lollllll..
I can't help but think "Do you remember saying those promises to my dad?? how you promised to love & honor?"....I guess not.

It's really interesting to watch especially knowing what I know of her now & also watching my body language towards her.. she is very loud, bossy & has just looked at herself in front of a mirror for about 20 minutes. No kind words for anybody just throwing orders around.. my FOO & I were her bridesmaids in our poofy pink dresses & not once has she put her arms around us and told us she loved us or how nice we looked...she's too concerned with herself & mucking around & saying stupid things with her friends at the time. Those friends are of course long gone. None of them are lifelong friends.

After the ceremony she kisses us all (her wedding party) & when she kisses me I must have gotten her on the cheek because she removes the smile from her face & wipes her cheek OOPS I unperfected her again haha (first time I gave her stretch marks)
Yes this is all tongue in cheek but also with serious undertones. Just an observation...

So we're outside now & there is a group photo. She's shrilling telling my other FOO who is only 9 years old to "get around the front" ~ no lady like decorum here.... so he does..he goes where he is told & remember he's only a little kid, unsure and so on.. he has his shirt not tucked in properly at the front & the band is slipping up so NBM saying in her shrill voice

"Come here FOO"

*groans* (her)

*further groans* "Will you stop fighting me?"

he's standing there doing nothing poor kid. She's such a dipstick.

My FOO, she is told by our new step dad that she looks lovely with her pink earrings.. NBM quickly turns around & says "OH my shoes are sinking" .

There's more all through the video above the music edited in..

"Stop moaning FOO"

"FOO you're about to get".. & then it gets edited out can't hear the rest..

I just heard my younger cousin say about NBM that "She's an indian giver" :O hah!!

We're at the Reception now & the speeches & so on are flowing freely...My step dad then does his speech & begins to welcome his new son (my sib) & he looks across the room but he's not there..a guest says "the kids are outside playing on the swings" & NBM then says ** insert shrill** ~ "Playing out on the highway?"

:/ .............. & the thing is, it is on the friggen highway!!!!

More shrill*** what's she wearing a microphone or something?

Her new husband just told her to shush the best man is trying to speak...

Her turn to make a speech now & she's standing up on her chair...*hides*

There is reason I'd forgotten a lot of this...

She's just thanked a heap of people who she never kept in contact with, her hair dresser..superficial stuff...

He just bent her backwards & kissed for the camera & my little brother looks on in the background I can't describe the look on his face but it's gold LOL...

Just fast forwarded the song they danced to maken me ill......

it's bloody almost midnight I have to be up early to go to my psychologist in the morning LOL

~ insert more shrillness***

she just kissed some man full on the lips :/

there are only 2 good things about watching this. Seeing my 2 younger FOO'S again at 9 & 11 years of age & seeing myself at 15 & the boy I liked when he was 19.

We both kept out of the video as much as possible & sat outside talking on our own striking up a friendship that has turned into something beautiful ♥

But still..this is going in the cupboard...what a laugh..good grief lol


Seriously, this is just a joke... to the outsider she's a breath of fresh air...breath of fresh horseshit more like..

**Lets raise a glass to the happy couple & for a long marriage *****which only equalled 4 short years.

My NBM has been married 3 times & is about to attempt #4.

Please elope. I do not wish to be present. I do not need to be present.

Oi you

Hey you!..the 'little me'~ I'm trying real hard & I think I'm getting around it all now & it feels great. Sometimes though you break my heart with the stuff you remind us of & other days I could not care less & flow through life freely. Just so you know. See ya round
Big loves x0x ♥

Sunday, March 20, 2011

To anonymous

Anonymous said...

This is an amazing blog...pls do not stop blogging. I am new to NPD and have suffered from a NP Mom my whole life I am 40. I am just learning what this is - all these years I thought she was just mean and didnt love me or I didnt deserve to be loved since a young child. Thanks for your words.

Post a Comment......

Dear Anonymous~ you've really stopped me in my tracks with this comment & you have me questioning my decision on 'going private'. Thankyou, you have no idea (or maybe you might) how humbled this made me feel when I read this & maybe this really is my way of 'giving back' of all my lessons learnt. To some people they might mean nothing but to others it might be a big thing & just that mutual understanding & that you're not alone. This is my story & I've said it before, if I can help one person then nothing has been wasted. I wanted to go private from a decision based on fear but something done in fear is not how i want to life my life that's just giving them more power. You've really struck a chord & I can't easily ignore that..I hope in time you will know that you are lovable & worthy of love & what your NM did wasn't anything to do with you but all to do with her.I hear you & I understand♥ So yeah, pretty much thank-you~ :)

Madonna - Ray Of Light

~♥ she's got herself a universe....& I feel like I just got home...

faster than the speeding light shes flying
trying to remember where it all began♪

She's got herself a little piece of heaven ~ click a little ray of light

**5 steps forward 0 steps back :) x0x0x

Thursday, March 17, 2011

I heart Oprah...

She's talking about losing weight & also being able to speaking your mind & the feeling of not saying what you feel because of what others might think... Oprah is talking about a book called "Women, food & God".

I need to lose some kilos but I go & lose some, & then I go put it straight back on... then I have to start all over again..I actually feel a bit lazy with it, almost like I think that I'm not worth the effort~ even though I know I am.

The show today is also talking about how not being able to get out how you feel, that when you were a kid, you got into trouble or were mentally, physically or emotionally abused & were told to keep it quiet. To shut-up. I wasn't allowed to express the truth when it was bent or any anger when I felt wronged which was a lot.

I feel mega judged because I'm not a stick..even when I was way too thin I still wasn't good enough. I was judged then also. I feel compared to that & from people that shouldn't do it~I think it says more about those people than it does to "You" if you were one of those or still are...thanks for nothing..thanks for doing some more damage to an already damaged person. A damaged person?? I know, how were you to know?

I just never told you. And more than likely, you were damaged yourself.

I can't wait for my next appointment because we are going to talk about me. Not NBM or FOO. It's time to talk about me & what I need to do cos I think I might be a bit stuck...

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

I feel a bit 'lopsided' again as in all the awful things that are happening around the world so far this year. It's really scary stuff.. It's been one thing after another & I'm kind of wondering what is going to happen next? What is happening in Japan right now, It makes all this stuff that happens with NBM pale in comparison & I'm wondering if this is a lesson for me to be able to see this? She's still the same person she's always been & probably will be but there are bigger things out there that can hurt me.. like REALLY hurt me..she can hurt me but not like a natural disaster has the potential to. Am I making any sense here? Probably not but that's ok...better out than in I guess....

Me personally, I think it's the big man upstairs telling us stuff. I don't mind if you call me a cuckoo or whatever you want to call me but I don't think it's Mother Earth punishing us at all. Somewhere in the back of the 'good book' it talks about things like this happening & I'm reading it in a lot of places as well as hearing it, more & more everyday & I can't ignore that because I know that God exists....& I must say it's scaring the pants off me...& makes me think that NBM can't hurt me, not really..I can hurt me by listening to her words & I still am doing this. She's not as big as a flood or a cyclone or an earthquake or a tsunami although when she's on her path of destruction it certainly feels overwhelming & all compassing. So how come she keeps on bothering me? How is this? I have no idea..what I do know is that I am way too sensitive & just want life to be normal, carefree & you know, kinda happy? I want to not worry...

I do somehow amongst all this stay strong for my kids. I'm one half of their 'pillar' & it's not only my job but also my responsibility to be strong for them. They make my job easy to do because all I have to do is look at them. I have no idea how I do this but I'm pretty thankful ♥

Ahh that feels so much better~♥

A movie I'll want to watch

Black Swan is a 2010 psychological thriller about a ballet dancer, played by Natalie Portman, who discovers a dark side to herself as she struggles to please her overbearing narcissists mother, played by Barbara Hershey.

I think I will watch this with DH, I'm not much of a movie fan but this sounds really interesting..& the funny haha part is that DH has a bit of a crush on Miss P. =)

~ A great read this week for me as well has been this book.
A few chapters I can relate to personally. I can also recognize a lot here that has been written. Just a bunch of stuff I've seen, lived & heard .

Monday, March 14, 2011

I've also decided that I am going 'private' very soon. If you want to still read my blog please message me on my current email address which I will also be changing soon...


After the 24th of March this blog will be set to private.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

How come the night time bring out your 'emotional' side/stuff? Probably because during the day you've got eleventy hundred things to do & your mind feels more occupied.

Yep that's it:) ~ ☼

Monday, March 7, 2011

in my 35 years i've learned..

~ that when you're in love, it shows

~ that just one person saying to me, "You've made my day" makes my day

~ that having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world

~ that being kind is more important than being right

~ that no matter how serious your life requires us to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with

~ that sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand

~ that it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular

~ that under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved

~ that to ignore the facts does not change the facts

~ that when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you

~that love, not time, heals all wounds

~ that opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss

~ that when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere

~ that I wish I could have told my DG that I loved her one more time before she passed away

~that you should keep your words both soft and tender, because tomorrow you may have to eat them

~ that a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks

~ that I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it

~ that everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it

~ that it is best to give advice in only two circumstances; when it is requested and when it is a life threatening situation

~ ☼ ☼ ☼ ☼ ~

it's the little things

Our 'baby' lost her first tooth tonight.. & while watching her playing afterwards in the bath, I felt like the proudest mum that was.. & really lucky that we have healthy & happy kids ♥
~ sure sometimes they *crap* you off, but I'd never swap or wish I was somewhere else. I also thought that I don't share these types of milestones with someone in particular & how sad that in itself is but I also think that is alright & it's something we've gotten used to. Not ideal but it's alright.
Had I rung her up she'd not give much of a woop anyway~ so she misses out. Her loss . She never makes or allows the time to be with these precious little people before they quickly grow up, & growing up they are.

These are the little things that I adore, basic stuff just normal everyday things you can't put a price on~ I'm so blessed to be her mama x0x ♥ ☼

We usually look outside ourselves for heroes and teachers. It has not occurred to most people that they may already be the role model they seek. The wholeness they are looking for may be trapped within themselves by beliefs, attitudes, and self-doubt. But our wholeness exists in us now. Trapped though it may be, it can be called upon for guidance, direction, and most fundamentally, comfort. It can be remembered. Eventually we may come to live by it

Accepting the labels other people try to tag us with is one of the most
destructive things we can do to ourselves. Because once we accept
those labels, we allow them to define us--what we can do, what
we should want, what we can and can't have. We start considering
what others think is right for us instead of using our own instincts
and self-knowledge to make our own best choices.
Over the years I have learned that we can't live genuinely until
we learn to disregard the labels and judgments of others. As some
wise person once said, "You aren't what people call you, you are what
you answer to." The better we become at ignoring whatever people
call us, the closer we get to fulfilling our dreams, the easier it
becomes to create the life we really want,
not the life someone else thinks we should have.


Sunday, March 6, 2011

~defusing thoughts & watching them 'float away' works & is easy enough to do ♥ but it is a constant process..but that's all they are, merely 'thoughts'.

jack johnson- from the clouds

good one thanks Jack ;) ~ *☼♪♫☺‼

Saturday, March 5, 2011

Jack Johnson - To the sea

It's obvious for me that this past year has been a big change, but there is also a cd that's played a bit of a part in that during this time too..of course I'm talking about Jack Johnson {again}:)

.. good work jack♥

I'd go to the beach every morning in winter, on my own listening to his cds on my ipod, just chilling out (literally!) but loving it...just me, jack & the sunrise.... it's mega healing & also very thought provoking.. things just 'came' to me & they made sense, the puzzle of my life was beginning to fit together & I was opening up to it.

Sometimes I'd cry other times I'd just be loving the moment & relating, listening & kinda understanding & beginning 'myself' & my life & where it all fits all over again. And the knowledge I'd learnt at my therapy appointments made are also what made everything begin to look so clear. Funnily enough, this cd is about finding your inner self, it's a personal for Jack who wrote the songs at the same time his Dad was dying from cancer. The whole cd resonates with me

Jack Johnson - Traffic in the Sky

☼~ it's enough to make me cry but that don't seem like it will make it feel better
maybe it's a dream & if I scream it will burst at the seams
the whole place would fall into pieces & then they'd say could we have known?
I'll tell them it's not
so hard to tell keep adding stones soon the water will be lost in the well ♥♪

words of wisdom all around but no-one seems to listen hhmm

A new day

What a difference a good sleep can make. I think I had good sleep last night. Just a few things I've been thinking lately....

1. I've noticed when I go to the shops & am waiting for DH I spot 'Mums' & wonder what it'd be like if that person was my mum instead, and then I get carried away with it & before I know it 10 minutes has gone by & I'm thinking "What are you doing?". Has anybody else ever done this? I also think had any of these 'strangers' been my mum then maybe I wouldn't be where I am, like right now. I'd probably not also have my relationship with my DH that I do because I'd be always off with my own mum..then I think "Nahh no thanks I'll pass I'm happy with what I've got".

2. I think I might be concentrating too much time on 'all of this'. And I am putting my own life (mine personally) on hold? There are things DH & I have been wanting to do that we've put off...I do still have a collection of books here (last count is 6) & they're all either to do with self help, BPD & Narcissistic books. This is ok because I want to understand but I think after I've read these I won't be looking for anymore from the library or buying any...And I'll just take her crap as it comes.

3, Number 3 I've forgotten number 3 but I know it was important. Haha I'll come back to this soon ♥

Today has been a good day, what I need to do is to get my mind back on track...start taking care of myself a bit more...I want to lose some kilos I want to start walking again...I need to get my NBM out of my head because it's mine & I think I might be allowing her to live rent free. I'm being distracted. We also need to go and visit particular FOOS & I know in the past year I had to not do anything extra because I couldn't deal with it with my already normal life so we had to cut back & I also switched off. But I gotta switch back on now. for me. for us.

She's a waste of brain space.

I still need to take care of my inner '♥' but I also need to keep living. kwim?

I'll still read all of these amazing blogs I've been following because I want to give my support when I can & I find when someone posts something I can relate to I feel 'healed' that little bit more. I need to keep myself strong so I don't go back to where I was 12 months ago & to be honest I don't think that will happen but I do know that I have an awesome life here with my best friend & need to concentrate more on that.

We're lucky that none of this 'crap' has ruined our relationship, if anything it's made it stronger because we appreciate what we have after looking at so much 'mess' around us...

I think if I could talk to Uncle FOO about all of this he'd say ..

"Forget about your bloody Mother look at what you've got..bloody go on"..

It's time to get my cute on. to be me. for the first time in my life to really blossom into who I was born to be despite the set backs I've been dealt with. We all have something & this has been mine. But it doesn't define me. Time to switch them not out~ but into 'sleep' mode & allow myself to be in control of myself. I've already take my power back off her & FOO & now I'm scooping up what's left. I've also lately been taking much better care of my inner '♥' & have found myself thinking..
"Would you let her do that?/Would you say those things to that little girl?".."NO".. & then I change how I do things to take better care of us both. (& she knows..)

Are we pretty lucky? Yep I think so. She knows so too. I'm kinda proud of her for hanging on & & am going to keep on going where we're meant to be & to hop off this bench that we've found 'ourselves' sitting on. Everytime I think "It's too hard" & want to cry & give up I'll think of her. She deserves this & so do I. My DH deserves to have his wife back too., & fully ♥

Friday, March 4, 2011

Uncle Foo♥

I just want to look at his picture I have here & not forget.

Every time I look it's like he's still 2 hours away at his house, just doing his thing. Being my uncle, who's always just been there. As an adult I've not seen him a real lot but as a kid..he helped to raise us. It's hard to explain but it's healing & incredibly sad at the same time. I don't want to put these pictures away yet I want to keep them where I can sometimes see them.

This getting older thing sucks not because I'm 35 (I couldn't give a flying fark I only feel 20) but because now we watch those around us that we love that we grew up with going. What happens when they're all gone? They're meant to stay around forever, I know that's not how it works but I wish it was. TO be a little kid again, say 7 years old when none of this was even a concern, things were what they were things were just the way you liked it. All fun stuff none of this grown up heartache we have to learn to live with.

we lose direction no stone unturned..some things look better baby just passing though ♪ ♥

Uncle FOO~ now I don't really like Slim Dusty ooops sorry "That's Mr Dusty to you"...but they played
this song for you at the end of your funeral so tonight, I decided to youtube it..I still don't like it much *runs & hides* ^_^ ... but this will be in my memory now & everytime I hear it
I'll think of you & feel that 'fuzzy' inside ♥ thanks for that.. big loves xxx

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Knew it

She's already done it. She's a real disgrace & I knew she would be. Yesterday NBM was true to form & I had to bite my tongue a number of times. I was hoping she'd behave herself at least this once but nope she didn't at all.

When we got there she was waiting for us & FOO in the carparrk. I think she was waiting because she knows she doesn't have anybody much else & her new man was with her & here she was 'alone' but surrounded with the people that know her best. And we're her family. Not to me she is she is an embarresment & I don't want to be seen walking with her anywhere really. I'll walk over to her but I don't want to be seen walking along side her. Once we got to the chapel I walked off to see my cousins & Aunty hug & kiss them, NBM did nothing of the sort.

She never cried at all yesterday, didn't even well up..absolutely no emotion at all. You'd think she was just anywhere random watching a sports game or at a movie. This to me was odd because Uncle & Aunty FOO have been in her life her entire life & she's really spent a lot of time with them. She dumped us with them our whole lives,. these are like second parents to her. She is emotionally barren, has no empathy. She's a shell when you think about it.

Afterwards everybody was out in the garden having cups of tea & so on & I could hear her 'voice' that high pitched sound I hate & just ignored her & caught up myself with family & introduced my own little family & husband to some family I've not seen since I was under 12. She eventually makes her way over to the tree a few of us were standing under (for shade) & she says out loud to total strangers to her even "Have you met my kids this is my eldest"....

It was really nice to see everybody & it made you realize how time changes people, it was nice but under sad circumstances. But we all picked up where we left off. Some people it hasn't been that long maybe 4 years or so, some less. NBM started to talk to her cousin who was also right there. He's got less than a year to live & you could tell she was only trying to make light of things & starts talking about stuff they did when they were kids'. Like spin the bottle.


Next thing she starts saying how they'd all go up the street & they'd push her down the road on this go cart & all the while her pitch, her annoying voice starts going higher & it was then that I felt like saying "Did you fall off & hit your head NBM?" I wanted to say this so bad but I kept my mouth shut & practiced being mindful, & I tell you it took great effort.

She then started to say how when they'd play spin the bottle & that there were all these boys there & she was the only girl, at this stage my DH heard this & he was standing beside me & everybody just went quiet. Then she finally shut up. Poor FOO is just looking at the ground saying nothing, his wife also sitting beside him. Fuck NBM. they're well aware that this is going to be them next they're staring down the barrel he's on borrowed time just shut the fucking fuck up!!!!

We get a phone call last night it's her, shes looking for my FOO. Well if he's not answering he's maybe not home or may even be ignoring you. She puts me on speakerphone so that her other half can hear the conversation (not that I care) & then her friend from up the road comes over & mum starts saying to me "Now I've not talked to ****** yet so he is hearing this for the first time (which I said to her "Whatever it is you need to talk to him before me")..."You know how we are getting married on the ** of **** because it's a year to the day that we met face to face"? (yer).."Well what do you think if we just eloped & then invited all you FOO (that's his & her FOO) over for a bbq & then say we got married would you be offended?" ....~I say no not at all.

Her: "Well the reason I am asking is (& she's got her put on sucking up voice on) that your father never invited you lot to his wedding & you're already going to therapy".

Fuck you NBM!!! dad never told us he was getting married because everybody was worried that YOU were going to turn up & ruin it for him, I understand!!! Yes I was a bit unhappy at the time & then I understood because you're a fucking monster so NO I AM NOT IN THERAPY BECAUSE OF THIS!!!!

I then told her in no other words that I was a kid then & am an adult now & am a big girl I can handle if they are to elope it's none of my concern & whatever happens, I am fine with. And I mean this. I also told her I am actually in therapy because of her & not Dad not inviting us to his wedding.

You know I really do hate her I thought I didn't, shes so hurtful to anybody & everybody & this is the second time now she's thrown in my face that I am going to a psychologist. When she first found out she went quiet for 5 seconds then told me "Good because you need it".

There's special, good decent people dying & she's here still running around out of control, hurting people, hurting hearts, hurting herself & she doesn't even know it. God take her next don't take anybody else, I know when she is dead I'm going to be broken but I'm already broken I'm broken now. I'm already grieving what I don't have what is a little bit more? At least then she can't hurt anybody anymore than she is now. Things will be safe.

I feel tired today & I feel hurt. Would you like to stick the knife in further & twist it because that's what you are doing. I hate you I hate you so much.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Today we said goodbye to you Uncle FOOIt was actually a beautiful service after the initial shock of seeing your name on the board as we drove in the grounds. This really hammered home the finality that this is for real. Life is so fragile..months ago you were here, happy & smiling & just being 'you'. And seeing your coffin in the hearse was heartbreaking, it feels not right. I think it's easy to not comprehend what is happening until you see this for yourself.

I always knew you were a much loved man and one of the kindest people anybody could ever meet, you never had a bad word to say about anyone & you were always welcoming & very down to earth, & your heart was big. I'm really proud of your granddaughter, the way she eloquently spoke & then her FOO joined her up there for support it was actually heartbreaking to see.. Your FOO adored you & thanks to you they have something special to keep in their hearts & to make them into better're a part of them that they'll always're already so missed & it won't be the same to go to your house & you're not there anymore. Did you know you were such a huge presence in that house? Well you were♥ Your little side man ***** is going to miss you so much, but you're already in him & he's gonna make you proud. You also had a 'stubbie' today, in your leather were there♥ Your famous spaghetti was even mentioned.

Much loved Uncle FOO you won't ever be forgotten you live in so many hearts, thankyou for being you & I know I won't ever forget the gentleman that you really were. Love ya lots & thank-you for everything you did for us xxx ♥

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Man she pisses me off. I properly listened to the message that NBM left on our answering machine about Uncle FOO so that I could then delete them & whatever else was on there. Fuckin narcissistic bitch that she is... She's an expert on when the funeral will be & she got that wrong, how there won't be an autopsy and then

"Umm I think you know, you might want to make the effort & get down there for them??!!"

I would/am anyway it's not even a question you ignorant ingrate they're one of the ones that picked up your parenting slack it would not even be any other thought other than we're there, you know it's a respect thing NBM?

And I clearly have none for you.

I keep giving her the benefit of the doubt & she just pisses it up the wall every time. I HATE how she talks down to me as if I am dumb & can't think for myself. I won't let on any of this of course but just be gracious towards her, give her nothing. My focus is giving support for our family not her. What I'm also feeling pissy about is that tomorrow she's going to turn up to her Uncles funeral & I can only imagine how Aunty FOO is feeling that shes just lost her best mate but also NBM going to walk in there with her new 'fiancee' & it was HER husband that only died in June of last year, they ALL came to his wake & supported her, Uncle FOO included!! yeah grieving widow not!

I also feel for Aunty FOO'S sister who will also be there. Her husband died 3 years ago & NBM often comments on "Poor FOO" & how upset she still is. Yeah well most people are!!! Aunty FOOS son (mums cousin) will also be there with his wife & their family & he has 6 months to live he's got cancer also.

NBM is a fake & all these people know her better than I do. Her birth mum was Aunty FOOS sister & it was her parents who raised NBM.

I just hope she behaves herself, when DG died she went up to DG after the funeral and told him he could always marry someone else.

She said a couple of other odd things on the phone the other day to do with Uncle FOOS funeral & I can't be bothered giving the brain space to to go into it but I did tell told her to not worry about it don't say anything & she goes "Yeah I know".. umm no you clearly don't...

I'll be keeping a close eye on her tomorrow & I have no problems with quietly telling her to pull her head in if need be, to say "that's not appropriate". See, the parent thing again?me telling the naughty child to behave itself.
I just hope she can show Aunty & FOO enough respect & keep her wide gob shut. No comments, just support you know, use her fuckin brain, that's if she's got any. And not to use tomorrow as an opportunity to introduce the new man in her life. Although she will but to what extent I don't know.