She's already done it. She's a real disgrace & I knew she would be. Yesterday NBM was true to form & I had to bite my tongue a number of times. I was hoping she'd behave herself at least this once but nope she didn't at all.
When we got there she was waiting for us & FOO in the carparrk. I think she was waiting because she knows she doesn't have anybody much else & her new man was with her & here she was 'alone' but surrounded with the people that know her best. And we're her family. Not to me she is she is an embarresment & I don't want to be seen walking with her anywhere really. I'll walk over to her but I don't want to be seen walking along side her. Once we got to the chapel I walked off to see my cousins & Aunty hug & kiss them, NBM did nothing of the sort.
She never cried at all yesterday, didn't even well up..absolutely no emotion at all. You'd think she was just anywhere random watching a sports game or at a movie. This to me was odd because Uncle & Aunty FOO have been in her life her entire life & she's really spent a lot of time with them. She dumped us with them our whole lives,. these are like second parents to her. She is emotionally barren, has no empathy. She's a shell when you think about it.
Afterwards everybody was out in the garden having cups of tea & so on & I could hear her 'voice' that high pitched sound I hate & just ignored her & caught up myself with family & introduced my own little family & husband to some family I've not seen since I was under 12. She eventually makes her way over to the tree a few of us were standing under (for shade) & she says out loud to total strangers to her even "Have you met my kids this is my eldest"....
It was really nice to see everybody & it made you realize how time changes people, it was nice but under sad circumstances. But we all picked up where we left off. Some people it hasn't been that long maybe 4 years or so, some less. NBM started to talk to her cousin who was also right there. He's got less than a year to live & you could tell she was only trying to make light of things & starts talking about stuff they did when they were kids'. Like spin the bottle.
:/
Next thing she starts saying how they'd all go up the street & they'd push her down the road on this go cart & all the while her pitch, her annoying voice starts going higher & it was then that I felt like saying "Did you fall off & hit your head NBM?" I wanted to say this so bad but I kept my mouth shut & practiced being mindful, & I tell you it took great effort.
She then started to say how when they'd play spin the bottle & that there were all these boys there & she was the only girl, at this stage my DH heard this & he was standing beside me & everybody just went quiet. Then she finally shut up. Poor FOO is just looking at the ground saying nothing, his wife also sitting beside him. Fuck NBM. they're well aware that this is going to be them next they're staring down the barrel he's on borrowed time just shut the fucking fuck up!!!!
We get a phone call last night it's her, shes looking for my FOO. Well if he's not answering he's maybe not home or may even be ignoring you. She puts me on speakerphone so that her other half can hear the conversation (not that I care) & then her friend from up the road comes over & mum starts saying to me "Now I've not talked to ****** yet so he is hearing this for the first time (which I said to her "Whatever it is you need to talk to him before me")..."You know how we are getting married on the ** of **** because it's a year to the day that we met face to face"? (yer).."Well what do you think if we just eloped & then invited all you FOO (that's his & her FOO) over for a bbq & then say we got married would you be offended?" ....~I say no not at all.
Her: "Well the reason I am asking is (& she's got her put on sucking up voice on) that your father never invited you lot to his wedding & you're already going to therapy".
Fuck you NBM!!! dad never told us he was getting married because everybody was worried that YOU were going to turn up & ruin it for him, I understand!!! Yes I was a bit unhappy at the time & then I understood because you're a fucking monster so NO I AM NOT IN THERAPY BECAUSE OF THIS!!!!
I then told her in no other words that I was a kid then & am an adult now & am a big girl I can handle if they are to elope it's none of my concern & whatever happens, I am fine with. And I mean this. I also told her I am actually in therapy because of her & not Dad not inviting us to his wedding.
You know I really do hate her I thought I didn't, shes so hurtful to anybody & everybody & this is the second time now she's thrown in my face that I am going to a psychologist. When she first found out she went quiet for 5 seconds then told me "Good because you need it".
There's special, good decent people dying & she's here still running around out of control, hurting people, hurting hearts, hurting herself & she doesn't even know it. God take her next don't take anybody else, I know when she is dead I'm going to be broken but I'm already broken I'm broken now. I'm already grieving what I don't have what is a little bit more? At least then she can't hurt anybody anymore than she is now. Things will be safe.
I feel tired today & I feel hurt. Would you like to stick the knife in further & twist it because that's what you are doing. I hate you I hate you so much.
4 comments:
I am so sorry you are going through this experience. I so understand the feeling tired and hurt by a sick mother's behavior. My sister was criticized for being in therapy. Then I went too and our parents had to rethink that maybe there was a problem. Nope, they didn't figure it out.
"she's thrown in my face that I am going to a psychologist. When she first found out she went quiet for 5 seconds then told me "Good because you need it"
AGHHHH! What a HORRIBLE thing to say! I can hear my own NM say this!!! WHEN I do get into therapy (and believe me.. it's a long time coming), I will never let her find out for this exact reason.
You painted such a vivid picture after the service of your NM's voice that set your teeth on edge (I can relate), the inapropriate conversation it shrieked out and the resulting uncomfortable silence it caused.
I see these same things happen all the time in our family when my NM decides to lift her ass off her computer chair and "interact" with the rest of the family during a party or whatever.
We're all thinking, "Just go back to your HOLE!"
I can see why your father kept his wedding a secret. I believe my own father kept his second marriage somewhat under his hat until the last minute so we (my sister and I) could attend. Not that my NM would show up and ruin it, but she'd find other ways to ruin it more covertly. That's the nature of her game.
Great post, and I'm sorry for the death in the family. It's at these times when the N's are at their "best" and have ample opportunity for feeding off the supply of grief and gathering.
Ruth.. it's mentally draining & like my husband says, any opportunity to worm her way back into our lives, she will & she does this every time. I'm sorry your parents did the same to you & your sister also..why can't they see it? We're constantly wrong & they're right but they're also highly abusive. If the tables were turned people would take more notice but because it's 'us' they don't seem to care
LWAN~ It's really horrible that this person who is 'supposed' to love you unconditionally will drag you as low as they can & with no qualms either, it's as if she enjoys it & unfortunately I somehow allowed her to hurt my heart instead of just dealing with her with my mind & ignoring her words. I think just seeing how low she is prepared to go is what hurts the most. Real barrel scraper she is & she seems to honestly believe that none of this is any of her doing.
When you do go to therapy you'll wish you'd done it sooner♥~ I too was the same as you, I had no plan whatsoever to tell her I had started going to a psychologist it was only after another one of her abusive phone calls to me one night that I told her why I was actually ignoring her. she was yelling & carrying on "What is your problem & why are you ignoring me?"..so I let her have it I was ready to tell my truth & then/now unfortunately she just used/s it against me.The thing is though I have no problem with admitting i need some help, but she seems to think it's a weakness. That's ok. She's the one with a crappy life not me but she can't see that either. My life is only crap when she's in it!
I'm glad you understand what I am saying too I think it's pretty cathartic for us all to see it isn't just in our minds this 'craziness', it's real & also happens to others out there & that in itself makes it worth sharing. If I can help one other person I see my experiences not wasted & it's a journey we never asked for but got nonetheless, but learning to how deal with it is so much better than what I had 12 months ago which was nothing, I had nothing to compare to, nobody who really understood & was trying to deal with all of this on my own & one of the best things now is not feeling responsible for anybody in my family other than myself. First time in a long time!!
And you are spot on, shes not bothered about losing a loved family member in fact I think she likes the 'excitement' of it all. Just sick.
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