Saturday, December 24, 2011

It's late

I was going to do a proper blogpost but I'm going to bed instead. I just added the cute fish over to the side there. If you click on their water you actually leave feed for them & they'll swarm over and eat. Love it. it's so cute♥

I've got lots to say but no brain space in which to say it so I will do my best to do it tomorrow night.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Jack Johnson - If I Could

..they say that new life makes losing life easier to understand. No it doesn't.

Life right now seems to be a seesaw

The first thing on my mind this morning is my sister. I found out late last night that she has cancer in her liver. I kind of suspected/thought this but for some reason you hope "not yet..I'm not ready to hear this/go down that road yet" or "no she doesn't I already asked her this & she said no it's not". All that is called denial. It's the D word which comes straight after the C word.

My hubby rarely has dreams that relate to anything that's happened within his day, but I do all the time. He told me this morning he had a bad dream I asked "Yeah what was it?" wondering. He said "Your sister pulled me aside alone & told me that she was going to die". What do I say to that? I just listened & not long after he had to go to work anyway.

This is reality, this is the road that we all have to travel on, with her now & nobody wants especially her to be on it. Everybody is holding her , except for her boyfriend who dumped her a week ago because he doesn't like her 'anger' and how she is talking to him. Real supportive & more I can't be bothered going into because he's not the main focus she is.

Our brother had a baby girl on the weekend & our eldest turned 16. He had a party with some mates it was good, she came and stayed the night & we went up together to see the new baby girl & she showed me where she has her chemotherapy which is right next to the maternity ward & birth suite. It never used to be there.

Nobody knew what this new baby was going to be but a couple of weeks before her birth I kept thinking "I think this baby is a girl and do you know what this means"..except I don't really believe in that I don't think. I can't help but keep thinking of a line in a song "One goes out one comes in"........Mums being a bitch as per usual. My sister is trying to help our relationship & she decided to tell her that I think she is a narcissist. To which mum replied

"I am not a narcissist. What is a narcissist?". She is also getting married in 3 weeks.

I don't care. I'm just keeping to myself today the best way I know how. Pretend yeah everything is great of course it is. What else can you say? I am starting to feel every time I talk about all of this it just brings everybody down & I look like a whinge arse. Yay its time to hang out the washing.

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Thanks but no thanks

I've had something on my mind that I was going to let go of on here I wasn't going to bring it up & even though I could have before now, months ago..last year when my blog began..I instead chose not to. Why? To be respectful, to not cause trouble and to basically ignore it BUT i can't ignore it & won't be any longer. Am I being respected? I don't think so. Are things being said and have been said about me that are not true? Most definitely. Have I been told that I just make things out of nothing? Yes. Which also means our kids also make mountains out of molehills. I've only repeated what was said to me, same words word for word. Where do I start. I'm not sure because this goes back to 6 years ago. Something big that was ignored by me, swept under the family rug. But it works 2 ways that's how relationships usually go isn't it?

It seems that my inlaws don't like me too much, I'm not good enough for their son. How does this go unnoticed by me & by my husband for so long? I guess they do it behind doors but 2 times now they've let it slip.

Apparently I am crazy or stupid or whatever the label that they've given me is. I go to a psychologist that just confirms it. I've been blamed (scapegoat!) for anything that has gone wrong.

1. Their son being depressed
2. Our son having Aspergers is my fault as well. I'm a bad mother. My relationship with my own parents depicts no respect. My father in law over heard me once on the phone talking to my dad & what he heard & ran with was our 'love language'. We both act the goat, call eachother names..we're both as silly as eachother.

But I've had enough, and so has your son. He sees this he notices. From where I sit I've never been liked & when it was that I thought everything was fine, probably wasn't. Who knows, and I kind of don't care. I'm tired of trying, being misunderstood. Of being a scapegoat.

So here goes.

Recognize that your daughter-in-law is a person. Sounds obvious, but some mums-in-law don't get it or do it. Your daughter-in-law is a person with her own interests, her own history and traditions. She's had experiences you'll never have and knows some things you'll never know. As an adult, she's entitled to be treated respectfully. She's not a "dumb blonde," a "party girl," a "farm-girl," or a "small town hick"; people don't belong in boxes. You're the mother-in-law, and if you want to be treated with kindness and respect, you first have to show it. * I feel that I am respectful, even so that I never mentioned this in my own blog before now. To not step on toes, to put my story out there, for a bit of understanding & for you to stop judging me & making me feel I am never good enough. Bullshit I am fine, I am myself, I am who I am & I think she's doing ok. I am doing pretty well given the hand I've been dealt & I'm proud of myself too & I've done this on my own.

Accept that you are not her parent; if you feel the urge to parent her, stop. Reread step one, above! Also, your daughter-in-law has a special relationship with her own mother, based on years of devotion and mutual help.*actually no I didn't. But what I did have was an amazing, warm, loving, kind Grandma who taught me what I know what it means to be kind, who taught me how to mother. So when you judge me and treat me like I am a fool or am not doing things the way you would, you are in a sense insulting the most important person (other than my dad) in my life. I will not have it. You can keep your insulting under the radar insults. She's not going to feel the same way about you as she does toward her own mother. *Looking back & understanding things now thanks to therapy I did think pretty highly of you, i trusted you twice as much as my own mother because you did show kindness & you seemed to be 'ok'. When my Grandma died who was left, you were. Do you remember the night I came over & you comforted me when she died? You were the only mother I now had. And I trusted you. Seek to have a mutually respectful, pleasant relationship. Maybe if you sow seeds of love, calling you will occur naturally. Count your lucky stars and treat her with love and care. Remember that you have been given a golden opportunity, and your hurtful words will be long remembered. *they're very well remembered. Instead of being happy that your son is happy I am picked at instead. At any opportunity that becomes available.

Explore your motivations. Do you feel critical toward your daughter-in-law? Do you wish she were different? Is her religion wrong, her clothing too fancy/too messy, her hobbies silly? Think about this. Why do you feel the need to judge? Do you want to be judged this way? Many well-informed, intelligent people would find your religion, clothes, and interests to be quite inappropriate. Live and let live. Judging others, and seeking to criticize them in order to feel superior, are your own problems that you should address on your own. It is also good to remember that if you say something nasty and or inappropriate towards your daughter-in-law, there's a good chance she'll bring it up with your son. Not only will you lose your daughter-in-law's respect, but also your own child's. While you may think your son's opinion of you is unconditional, do you really want to be proved wrong? Everyone knows of a family where the son took his wife's side before his mother's.

Keep secrets secret. Do not, under any circumstances, gossip. You'd be surprised at how often it gets back to the person, especially within families and or mutual friends/acquaintances. If you go to one person and gossip, you are creating a situation in which your son, who is attached to this woman, is likely to feel less close to you and will want to see you less often. If you gossip amongst mutual acquaintances, you are driving your family apart; why do you want to do this? If you gossip between family members, friends, and acquaintances the one to whom you are gossiping will never trust you even if you're saying nothing negative about her, because you're displaying inappropriate behavior. And what about the day when your daughter-in-law gets together with other family members, mutual friends or acquaintances? What happens when she starts hearing what you've been saying. It will happen eventually. If you proceed to gossip and criticize, you are setting up a situation which will inevitably have negative consequences. For you.

Remember that your son now makes his own decisions. Your son chose this woman. Deliberately. Does it seem a bad match to you? Remember that he's a guy, and he probably has not shared his needs with you, but nevertheless, he has them. There are parts of both your son and your daughter-in-laws personality, wants, needs, dreams and fantasies, that you will most likely never know. There are decisions and discussions that happen between these two that may never be shared with you and those boundaries should be respected. Perhaps after being raised in a quiet home, he wanted to marry a social, outgoing person. Maybe he wants someone who makes a good salary, in order to take the pressure from him. Maybe he tells his wife that you criticized him as a child, and he likes the way she showers him with love and affection. Perhaps he hates making decisions because he's busy, and he wants a woman who will pick a car and a vacation spot so he can think of other things. Or maybe he adores you so much he wanted to marry someone just like you! Just remember that she may meet his needs in ways you don't see or understand.

Remember that your son and daughter-in-law are both adults. While you may want to keep your hand on the seat or act like a pair of training wheels on a bike, most likely, your daughter-in-law will see this as your way of indicating that you don't feel that either of them are responsible enough to take care of themselves. Do not ask for the details of every life decision they make and then proceed to discuss the options unless they specifically ask for your advice. Their decisions are just that, their decisions. Do not constantly ask them to specify all their plans..who they're going with, when they're going, why they're going, where they're going or what they're going to do when they get there. It will make your daughter-in-law feel like you are trying to parent her (see #2 above). Do not ask them to call you every time they get in and out of a car. They will most likely call you out of consideration, but requesting that they call you turns it into an obligation and again, is treating them like children. Do not 'warn' them to stay away from bad neighborhoods, get in at a decent hour or not to take candy from strangers. Okay, maybe candy from a stranger is a bit overboard, but the general idea is, under no circumstance should you ever treat your daughter-in-law like a child. Your constant questioning will only cause problems between her and your son, and eventually, you and your son.

Don't insult your daughter-in-law's intelligence. While you may think she's stupid, chances are, she's not; after all, she was smart enough to pick out your son. Also do not speak for your daughter in law when family or friends want participation for functions or events. While you may not consider her part of the family, your son does and nothing will drive them both away faster than that kind of inappropriate behavior.

Remember that your daughter in law is your son's life partner. Do not try to force yourself to be your son's first priority. If he has already made it clear or hinted to you that the new woman in his life is important to him, then respect his wishes; step aside and let him live his life with his new partner. It is their time in their life to adjust to each other and experience things together. The last thing any newly married couple wants is to have an intrusive mother in law. You as a wife, would not like for your mother in law to do the same to you so practice the same courtesy that you request of your mother in law with your daughter in law. More than likely your daughter in law already understands how you feel about coming second to your son however do not put her in a position where she has to defend her position beside your son just because you feel insecure about not being his first priority. The result of that will not only alienate your son from you; but you will only have yourself to blame for being excluded from their newly made family.

  • When in doubt, imagine your daughter-in-law is a good friend. Real friends treat each other with kindness, respect, and accommodation in spite of differences. If you're ever unsure of how to respond to a situation, ask yourself what you would do if a close friend was in your daughter-in-law's place.

To close: Good luck to you mothers-in-law out there! You have a special challenge, and it's hard to see your sons "move on" with other women. But loving, unobtrusive, and well-mannered mothers-in-law are a cherished treasure, a gift not only for daughters-in-law, but for the whole family. Remember to consider all that has been mentioned above for a good relationship with your daughter-in-law.

It has to stop today. No more stupid jealousy, i didn't steal anybody, I am good enough & he is 110% happy. Is that not enough? I'm not going anywhere..what's wrong with some understanding on both parts & make this a happy family instead of making it feel nitpicked, labeled as crazy and spoken about and not in a respectful way behind ones back.

Monday, October 3, 2011

It's been 15 months

Since my sister first found out about this cancer. I was told that this weekend. It was July of last year. When I look at it like that, I can't help but think.. "Oh she's doing pretty well then".. & for a while I feel fairly positive. But when I also look at each time I've seen her, I can't not notice how fast it seems to be progressing from the time before that that I saw her. I also know she is fighting with everything she has.

Everyday is a contradiction, everyday is different.

My sister is stubborn. I used to think this was not a good thing but right now it's exactly what she needs.

Emotions....they are like a rollercoaster & nobody tells you about that. You can imagine but you can never really imagine what it feels like. In fact nobody really tells you anything. It is like being in this club that everybody knows about it but nobody wants to be a member of or to know someone they love is a member of. I think a part of my brain overlooks what is actually going on.

She turned 32 yesterday & she looked happy♥ In pain but happy. For some reason the pain relief isn't working as well this time around. She is having chemotherapy again & more radiotherapy on her lungs. She can't breath properly and her right lung has collapsed in the middle..her airways are being crushed from the lymph nodes which are also cancerous. To me I see a young woman who is fighting & holding her head up & also looking for something, her mind & eyes are able but her body is defeating her, It's letting her down. Then at times maybe it picks up, or maybe the pain killers are working properly & doing their thing. How would I know.

I've seen her now in pain and not in pain & it's not easy. I want to sit down with her and have a proper heart to heart talk. For us both to cry & to just bond on another level. We're getting along as if nothing has ever happened or gone wrong & for that I am forever grateful & I get the feeling she is too..

I go through different emotions of being angry at myself for being ever angry at her & then I say to myself that I wasn't to know. I think what it is is, that knowing how much time we've wasted being angry and how that can never be given back. I also know we're doing something about that right now & I can see that we somehow couldn't do properly before & I think had we not gotten this small chance.... I do wonder how we got here I wonder that all the time & it seems like just a bad dream.

Today is a good day, yesterday morning wasn't, & tomorrow will be one or the other. I think it will be ok. The bad days seem to be less often now they're still at least once a week but not all consuming like they were in June.

I probably have a lot more to say but don't really feel like it, because things are atm, pretty good. I try to find the positive if I can and if I can't, then I can't. And that's ok :).

There is a LOT more I can say on other topics but I really cannot be bothered. Maybe next time.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Monday, August 15, 2011

24 hours ago

This time last night that my sister sends me a message on facebook telling me that she's not feeling too good..she's in a fair amount of pain & it was difficult to breathe. She'd been out with our Dad for dinner & had a sudden coughing fit which left her with a very sharp pain in her right side going from under her breast going through and radiating from her back. She didn't say anything at all about it to Dad she didn't want to worry him..he went home that night & then she basically put up with the pain for another 24 hours...and then that's when she told me.
I'd seen her earlier that day she seemed to be nauseous and not looking too happy the chemotherapy had begun to make her feel sick.

She was wondering if she'd pulled a muscle or maybe even cracked a rib the pain was that bad. She had next to no sleep she's up anyway during the night normally trying to get comfortable, using her hot water bottle, refilling it & so on. Her quality of life seems to be fast going down hill. She's either in pain or not sleeping because of the pain.

So I said to her last night & at the risk of her going mad at me that maybe it was a good idea to go to the hospital to be checked out, I could take her or she could ring for an ambulance. I got the response I knew I would and she was against that saying that emergency isn't for a bit of wheeziness or a pulled muscle...but this isn't just a little scratch I'm thinking. You have cancer.

I told my husband & he said the same as I did that she should really go. I suggested maybe just ring emergency then & see what they think so she did & she was asked to come up straight away. Her breathing was obvious on the phone. I jumped in the shower & left home at around 11pm. It was a full moon last night & there was no traffic at all, it was just me on my own going to my sister. I felt hugely calm, I had a job to do there was no time for emotions to take over plenty of time for that later on my own. We left her place and arrived at the hospital at around midnight or thereafter & she was seen immediately. We waited no longer than 10 minutes.

The nurse was visibly taken back, probably because of her age. She had to ask my sister questions & I could tell she was just at a loss. She was very caring & did her job.. She took her stats they were all stable, a good sign at least. She asked if we were sisters which we looked at each-other & said "Yep" we all smiled, the nurse who was around our ages said something to the effects of "that's so good, that's so cool" & you could tell that there were just no other words. That was a bit hard and I pushed back that lump in my throat & looked across at some curtains & cupboards it wasn't the time. She got her a room around the other side of emergency she was so swift.
We waited there in the other area & during the night she was seen by numerous medical staff. Her breathing was difficult so she was put on oxygen which she stayed on for the entire night. They also gave her panadeine forte for pain relief as well as another chemotherapy pain relief tablet, I have no idea what it is. Before now, she was given by the previous hospital only panadol & nurofen to help with her pain..that is digusting. It wasn't even touching the sides.

She had bloods taken & the night nurse must have been in a hurry because the amount of mess she made with the blood, she was a bit rough. I've never seen anything like it. And my sister hates needles. The porta cath in her chest, this is where they are supposed to do all of the treatments from but this one didn't. So she put a port in her arm for a drip.

They were concerned about 2 things, that it could possibly be Community-acquired pneumonia. or a blood clot because of her pain so they started her on a bag of antibiotics & a saline solution. She went for an x-ray . She later had 2 injections in her stomach for the prevention of more clots. By this time everything had been done and they were waiting for her to have a ct scan at around 9am. I think the time was now around 5am. Later on after I'd left they removed her stitches from having the porta cath put in so that was another good thing from last night.

She was going to be admitted and I was going to go up there again tonight to see her. She messaged me not long after 10 am to say that all her bloods & the ct scan came back clear!!! and they were allowing her to go home but had given her a list of prescriptions which she was waiting for to be filled & had also seen her chemotherapy doctor. She may have too much Plutonium in her body & the chemotherapy may need to be adjusted according to what suits her.

So in a nutshell she's gone home, she is happier & now has proper pain relief. Her coughing which is caused by the lesions in her lungs is what is making it difficult to breathe & her regular ventolin as the previous hospital had prescribed isn't enough. This will be what happens now I can see this, she will have her treatments but will be living with pain now for good & this is what needs to be adjusted & worked out what is best for her. She has some bruising from the coughing & interestingly enough it is more painful on the side which she has her biggest lesion in her lungs.

I'm glad we persisted I'm glad she saw that is is ok to go and be checked out. She seems to think she isn't worthy that had a car accident victim had have come in last night they'd be first priority,. I knew she'd be a priority she's got cancer but how do you say that without saying it, you know?

Tonight I hope she is at least sleeping. In time her medication will kick in she has been given one days ago which take 10 days to work within your system they're a morphine pain relief.

Argghhh if only I could take half of her pain to share it out to make it more manageable for her to live with, if only I could do more for her. You feel really helpless & to sit there for half a night with her well I see the small blessings in that that I get to spend some time with her we'd not normally. I wanted to do an 'all nighter' with her and we did it..even if it was in hospital it was just us 2, it was quiet & it was actually all ok..she was feeling comfortable. She seemed ok and I was happy. Leaving this morning was the hardest thing walking off & closing multiple doors behind me knowing I was leaving my little sister alone in there but I had to get home because I knew the sun was up, if I didn't drive home soon I'd not be capable, my husband had to be at work in 2 hours & the kids were obviously at home.

I drove off just after 6am, cried & went home to bed.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

I almost forget

What this blog was ever intended for in the first place. I also know now that if our mother was a real mother this blog wouldn't even exist. I have to go out for a while but I wanted to freshen this 'place' up a bit and I love the picture above that I found. It kind of says in a picture how I feel about this Mothering thing.

I look at that little unborn baby with it's crown of precious stones sitting gently on it's sleeping head. I look at the mother shape & I think..ok none of us are perfect nobody is. You DON'T get a manual on how to become a mother nor do you get the support you are more than often than not, desperately needing.

And then I look again at this innocent little soul & I can see that it never asked to be here,it just is. The one in the picture never asked to be treated in ways it never should be. We as the 'adult'~ the parent..put our own print onto our unborn babies because it's all we know.. & sometimes people see these precious little beings as an end to their own life, nothing but a nuisance & we get too wrapped up within our own selves.

It's something that I struggle with. Not personally but seeing & hearing.. I see mothers with their babies, their children & something isn't switched on.. it's not always their own fault I'm not into bashing mothers at all..I see healthy happy noisy, normal children & it makes me think

"If you keep doing that your precious son or daughter will end up like me, they will grow and learn to hate you..STOP IT NOW LOOK WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!"
How come we treat our children as burdens? I will NEVER understand this. No i don't feel this way towards my own because I have seen first hand I LIVED what this does to an innocent childs heart & I promised myself I'd never repeat this. I also know as an adult that sure i get annoyed with them from time to time but after having a Mother that was emotionally non-existent and often physically not available , I've learnt to over look the small things that don't matter & concentrate on what does matter.

Babies never asked to be born. We need to start seeing them as the blessings that they are. Sure they make you insanely tired, they change your body in ways you'd rather not..they sick up all over you they poop like nothing else..but they also have their own beating heart & are taking everything around them good & bad, in. We all grew up with hopefully at least one kind person in our lives, we as mothers need to be that kind person in our own babies lives. Not their best friend but loving, nurturing mothers.

I guess you could call this rant over. It's something I am really passionate about. help is available if only we'd go and look for it.Seriously don't let your kids grow up with this crack in their hearts that mine can't seem to heal, we don't realize this but we're changing who they are.

See those little abbreviated things over there>>>>>> I forget to use them, i don't really care to think about the foos & who's me none of that matters now & I can't be bothered. If someone I knew found this well then they find it, who cares!

Round 2

Yesterday my sister started chemotherapy again which she will have now every 3 weeks, then the hospital will do a scan to see how the cancer is responding & then proceed with another round. She did tell me but it's all pretty confusing. So long as I know when she is having her treatment done & if i can do anything when the time comes is all I need to know right now. I did offer to go with her but she knows me pretty well & said if I go in there & cry then she will cry & she doesn't want that.

I am glad this lot of treatment has started because it means it will keep her here with us all for that bit longer. WHo knows she might be ok when this is all done, but not being able to have it and being mucked around by hospitals also allows it to grow bigger & spread. At least now it's all systems go.

Her partner is going to come up here on those days she has her chemo so he will go with her. I offered to pick them up from her place & take them back home at the end of the day~ so I hope she will take me up on the offer at times, even everytime. I said to her that maybe I can make her food to eat then & I said I want to do something so hopefully that is what I will do. Drop them off so they don't have to worry about public transporting and I can leave her food so she won't have to worry about cooking..even if it's for that night & then some things she can take home & put in the freezer. And fresh fruits etc. I'm not just going to sit around & do nothing. She is my sister.

You feel pretty helpless just watching all this go on & seeing people around the place go on about the small things makes me pretty annoyed but I realize that it's just where I am at the moment, & that I to do those small stupid things that maybe others in this same or worse position also find I making sense? Dunno. I know what I mean.

She sent me a text last night saying it all went well yesterday, that she was really tired & was going to go to bed when she got home & can I ring our Dad? Yep no problems at all. I told her that I will & that I am proud of her, that she's a little warrior ♥. We'll catch up soon on the phone & when she's feeling up to it I will go see her & take some fresh fruits & vegetables.

Ummm what else..not much. I am keeping extra busy because for me that is best, I am also laughing a lot and trying to keep a positive outlook on things.

Dad said to me last night he thinks it could be in her whole body, the pain she's having in her lower back. She's in a lot of pain. She can't sleep on her left side or her right because it hurts. She can't sleep on her back because it hurts and her front, also hurts.

I can't imagine this & I feel so bad for her, there is nothing that anybody can do. I hope she can get some sort of pain relief. I did ask her about this on Tuesday night but she doesn't really want it. Pethidine I think she said made her feel high & she never liked the way it made her feel & I don't really remember but she might have said it didn't help the pain anyway??

I woke up at 4am this morning & couldn't get back to sleep but i did eventually. I think it's just that constant worry that is in the back of your mind & the thought of "was she sleeping? was she comfortable?" It's not nice to be in your own bed and be ok while she's off in hers fighting, struggling.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Blogging hiatus

A lot has happened in the past month & I've not felt like blogging, which is why I haven't. I will for now keep it short & sweet...

I've spent some time with my sister, she stayed over & we had a great time watching the sunrise, shopping..and watching her ride her bike we all pitched in for and bought for her as a surprise....

I've cried more times than I can remember and I've also smiled. I gotta just remember that..☼

I've asked God to help me because I can't do this on my own. We've been to church 2times.

I have talked to my Dad lots, friends have been an amazing support when i need them, hence me not really blogging i tend to make private hidden posts and then delete them, it's the instant posting of facebook that I have needed to vent, to ask questions to let the pent up emotions out.

I booked a pap smear finally after 10 years of waiting, why did I wait? I can't answer that. I went in a week & a half ago. I get my results tomorrow.

Lots more has happened but there's been a lot in a short time and I simply can't remember anything else. I haven't been to my psychologist appointments for maybe 5 weeks? She went on holidays, that's alright because I learnt to deal with some pretty strong emotions and I did it on my own.. i go back this tuesday..and that's another thing..medicare say I only have 3 appointments left for the year that i can claim..I will pay for what I need then & claim nothing back.

I'm going to see my sister again I hope in the next couple of weeks, she is starting her chemotherapy up here which I know I am happy about because it means It will make it a heck of a lot easier for me to take her to and from appointments if she wants me to and to drop her off some dinners.. she's basically around the corner now. She is about to start some heavy duty chemo but this time I will be able to support her which is also going to make it real, when you've not been seeing it it's easy to not realize the enormity of a situation.

My heart is hurting and I allow it to open and the pain pours out, then you start all over again until the next time that it becomes too much again. I don't know what is going to happen, I'm in 2 minds & I go from one to the other and it's often a few times in one day.

That is about all for now♥ stay safe & take care xoxox

Thursday, July 7, 2011


My last blog post:( I'd forgotten about posting that. I'm not sure what to say or how to say it even though I've been doing it all week but my sisters cancer is non curable:(. I've had a week tonight to digest this & even saying this, is somehow still surreal. A lot has happened in this past week. Dad rang last Thursday night and I knew something was wrong because of the seriousness of his voice, Dad's not like that he's usually a goof ball. I knew it was the day she was getting the results but I was totally unexpecting to hear the worst, thinking instead, hoping that if worse it had gone to her bones but they could still treat this. I now know that still wasn't a good option but what your mind wants to tell you, well is not easy & sometimes you listen to this because it's all you have.

The cancer has spread to her lungs. In that split second I heard the words "It's in her lungs" time stood still, this was not what I wanted to hear & I backed up into the corner of the kitchen bench and just stood there looking horrified and not knowing what to do next. What to say, how to feel. My little sister is not going to be able to be cured. I'm going to lose my sister.

I went to see her on Sunday and we picked up where we left off..but as if nothing has ever happened. No cancer, no not speaking, no fighting, nothing at all wrong. It was amazing really that we were able to just be sisters, and I think we were and still are both thankful. I've had to keep busy all week mentally as well as emotionally. I need to keep strong for her but also I know I am already beginning to grieve what we won't have. I cannot still believe this is happening, if I slow down long enough it starts to creep back in so up goes the face, keeping it straight and to be completely honest I've acted the goat because it's the opposite to how I am really feeling. My heart is broken.

She seems healthy. To look at her you'd not know there is something horribly wrong & I'm not sure if that is hard or not. I think for now it's a blessing and for her too. I don't know how she's doing this, how she gets up everyday and is able to do what she is doing. Put's a smile on her face.

It's all a bad dream. How do you live without your sister? 31 and 35 years old, what do you do? what do you say when shes having a really bad day which will come if not already, what do you say when there's nothing left to say when there are no words left? How do you say "it will be alright" when in your heart you know that's not true. My little sister has stage 4 cancer. how did we get here? I don't know the answer to that.

Just Pray pray pray....

Saturday, June 25, 2011


My sister & I have been talking on and off over the past few weeks..she's moved back up here and living in Mums empty house.. so far we appear to be getting along, her cancer is still being treated and everybody is hoping that it's not spread to her bones but it's something else that is showing up in scans that can be explained.
I go from moments of being in denial to "it's ok things will be ok". But if it were someone else we were talking about I'd say "This isn't a good situation at all". But when it is your own family your own sister your mind tends to not want to accept these types of conversations that go on within your mind.
To be honest I don't know what to think, what does a 50/50 survival rate over the next 5 years actually mean? I have talked to my psychologist on the phone, to get guidance I suppose, for someone to tell me it's going to be ok but she can't do that she can't tell me what is going to happen. I think I know this deep down too but need reassurance. She's become my safety net but this time she can't do a thing.

Last night my sister friend requested me on facebook & I accepted, I did think about it myself earlier but left it at that.. The tumour itself is gone but the dark lesions/shadows spots whatever they are are there & one has grown in size. Please keep her in your prayers/thoughts that whatever it is can be treated & that this is just a stepping stone that she will be able to one day look back on & know she has the rest of her life to look forward to.

There's nothin like..

being a bit slack & putting a blog post off..No really, my family and I have been sick with the dreaded cold but now seem to be on the mend & feeling MUCH better now. So I never came back to this post although at times I did think about it but didn't want to go into that mental mind space while my body felt so crappy and out of sorts. And why add to my own suffering with added emotional angst? No thanks. I am posting now though & don't even feel bothered I am switched off to it, maybe it's because I am not in an emotional place right now or maybe it's the fact that throughout the week I reached another milestone within myself & am feeling more & more as time goes on, ready to cut my mother out of my life completely. The only thing that stops me now are nieces and my will be at birthdays and so on that she will be there & I don't want that uncomfortable feeling nor do I want her to use those opportunities as attacking platforms. If anybody has successfully done this, please fill me in!!

So it's 1976 & it's my first birthday. My mum makes me the cutest hedgehog cake for my first birthday. I've seen pictures of it, old slides & the picture (if you didn't know her now) looks like the happy family photo that I wish that I had. Dad, Mum & me~ just a happy family & their baby turning 1.

So when our first baby was turning 1 in 1996, it was my Mother who said "Why don't you make him a hedgehog cake like I made for you?" ~ she then offered to make it & I was rather excited that my baby boy was going to have the same cute birthday cake that I had for my first birthday & even nicer was that my mum was going to make this for him. I went & bought all the stuff, the almonds to make the quills it was all there ready for her to make it. And then she didn't do it.

She was "too busy", too preoccupied with her own life & self and her new boyfriends (who was to be husband #3)'s mum. She clearly came before me in many occasions but this time it really hurt. She told me last minute it may have even been that day & disappointment was an understatement. He ended up having this little white cake with blue icing piped around top, it was simple but sweet for a first birthday cake. Mum picked that up on her way to the party from Coles. Why did she do this? I know why and when I saw the same cake last week it felt like someone had ripped my heart out all over again. So simple but so heavy. I've never asked for her help ever again.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

There is nothing like a 3d hedgehog cake in Coles to almost bawl your eyes out while doing the groceries is there.. more later when I get home

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Black Swan

We watched this last night & it is definitely a psychological thriller as stated on the dvd box.

It's basically about a young woman who lives with her narcisstic mother but in the end loses herself..we kinda looked at each-other at the end it was all a bit "What the??"

There’s definite mental abuse that Nina (Natalie Portman) has to go through everyday with a Mother that is very intrusive. The mother is quite crazy and unstable at times, like the time when she’s about to throw the cake in trash. (We both looked at each-other & said "that's your/Mum!").. And then Nina pretends to be someone she doesn’t wanna be just to calm her down~ BEEN THERE DONE THAT.

Another time when the mum loses it is just before Mila Kunis visits Nina’s apartment. The mum’s all like "Hows your back? Take off your shirt" etc. Nina dislikes herself so she self harms (never been there thankfully!!). The Mum is also very intrusive and gives no privacy to Nina. Because of the stress at home and at work, Nina starts to lose it in the real world. She becomes recluse and distant with other people even when they’re perfectly nice to her, she starts to go crazy within her head.

1) it is tragic that she was abused and oppressed. 2) the film is a tragedy because she passed away at the moment that she seemed to break free. Maybe she was finally ready to begin healing after, “reaching perfection”. Or maybe madness had then completely confounded her.

When the costume lady is doing the final fitting. She doesn’t see the scratches on her back. I don't know why this upset me afterwards. Probably cause its how it is. Nobody wants to see it- nobody acknowledges what’s happening. Its as if she is invisible. She really isn’t important.

Good movie do see it! But be prepared for it to not make any sense in some parts until afterwards you've finished watching it & you can go over it again in your own mind. Some of the above I have copied & pasted because I simply can't convey the movie myself to make sense. That & it's easier (haha)!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

The final part of this book: Living backwards.

Adult children of borderline mothers must return to the past for the sake of their future. The last half of their lives can become the best half if they disinter the real self & rediscover their lost exuberance, their own free will & their uninhibited creative self. Many adult children who enter into therapy report disturbing dreams of returning to high school, feeling ashamed to be middle-aged & having to catch up on something they missed learning. In these dreams they report feeling angry, resentful & embarrassed that no one had given them proper instructions or clearly explained the assignment. They unconsciously know that they were not adequately prepared for separation & individuation. Their anxiety focuses on not knowing what to do, feeling lost & left behind.

Therapy is the only course to take, No greater gift exists than a life of unrestrained love & joy. The relationship between therapist & patient provides the diploma needed to graduate to a brighter world...

Saturday, June 11, 2011

When I post in my blog I re-live it, in my mind and in my body . It takes me back there & right now I feel that familiar inner turmoil the cloud of anxiety in my chest & my heart is racing. I know that in less than 3 minutes I will close the laptop & go & prepare dinner & that 'little girl' will go away. This is something that i need to do for not only her but for myself & even if it makes me uncomfortable I still embrace it. I want her to live in the light like I do now, to try to put the negative parts behind her & allow the warmth (and there was plenty of it) only surround her. Just me & her walking forward holding hands & trying to get her to see she's safe now because I'm here to take care of her..I am nurturing & mothering myself & she & I both deserve it ~ I can also honestly say that she's not there yet but shes on the right path & the path that we are on is not only strong but it looks bright ☼...

The final chapter: Living Backwards (Understanding the Borderline Mother)

But you know she loves you...

When the good mother within the borderline holds & comforts her young child, the child's well-being is temporarily restored. Darkness within the mother, the self & the universe becomes light. The chaos is organized. When the storm has passed it makes no difference to the young child who is simply grateful to return to the mother's arms. From there, the small child sees for the moment, that the world is good. Unfortunately the good mother is a fleeting ego-state, & the storm inevitably returns. By the time her children grow up, they may fear the good mother because chaos always returns.

Young children have no choice but to tolerate mistreatment by adults. Some else must notice. Someone else must help.

However, children are told they are lucky to have a mother..and that they are also lucky that they have a mother that loves them & that "that's just the way she is"..."She didn't mean it"...or "She can't help it" if children should just ignore their own intuition that tells them that they have been hurt. These messages not only encourage repression of legitimate anger & pain, but also lead children to believe that their mother's behavior is acceptable. Tolerating inappropriate behavior or abusive behavior requires the betrayal of the self, Young children have no choice, but grown children do have a choice.

When grown children tolerate abuse, they reenact the sacrifice of the self. Hopefully they will never expect their own children to tolerate cruelty, deception or mistreatment.Something is wrong if we fear the person who loves us. Anyone who encourages us to trust a person we fear does not have our best interests at heart.

Loving parents... should want to find out what they are unconsciously doing to their children. If they simply avoid the subject & instead point to their parental love, then they are not really concerned about their children's well-being but rather are painstakingly trying to keep a clear conscience.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Living with the witch without becoming her victim

I have been wicked in my day, but I never thought a little girl like you would ever be able to melt me & end my wicked deeds.

L. Frank Baum
-The Wizard of Oz

The Witches children may feel disconnected from life, internally dead, "trapped in a world of total domination, a world hostile to life & any sign of dignity or resistance". The human spirit does not die as easily as the body. It shrivels slowly, like a plant deprived of water, & eventually succumbs from a "relentless assault on the survivor's sense of purity & worth".. The body becomes a cumbersome shell, the mind a wasteland, the eyes a mirror reflecting the vanishing will. The human being becomes a human doing; the being no longer exists.

Therapists work desperately to rescue children held captive by Witch Mothers. Although the witch may only appear for only a moment before the good mother returns, children glimpse their absolute helplessness & the futility of escape. The therapist becomes a lifeline for children to hold onto while the sand runs out of the hourglass. Time, eventually will set them free. When they grow up they can get away on their own..or if they are adults already like me..they go about learning how to set themselves free..a part of themselves the part that is locked away that nobody but them can see is finally set free.

Surviving The Witch

Although the witch is capable of evoking murderous rage, the key to survival lies in disarming, not attacking her. Attacking her only provokes her to further retaliation. Killing the witch did nothing to help Dorothy get back to Kansas. She won her freedom from the Land Of Oz by using power she already possessed. Like Dorothy, the witches adult children must free themselves by using the power they already possess.

Like a snake she strikes when she is confronted or cornered. The witch within the Queen may emerge when she feels controlled or when others fail to admire her or treat her as special.

A social worker in a pediatric hospital was called to observe the mother of a newborn in intensive care. The baby experienced inexplicable episodes of apnea that occurred only during the mother's presence. After close observation, the social worker suspected that the mother was deliberately smothering the infant with her breasts while nursing. Although the case was reported to child abuse authorities, the child remained in the mother's custody. Five years later the mother was convicted of killing the child by injecting her antipsychotic medication into the child's intravenous line. This 5 year-old-child had lived her entire life with a mother who was trying to kill her. SUCH CHILDREN CANNOT BE SAVED IF OTHERS BELIEVE THAT WITCHES ONLY EXIST IN FAIRY TALES.

Keep a safe distance.Surviving the Witch requires getting away. Only adult children have the power to decide how much contact they want with their mother. Some of them will not be able to tolerate her voice, or a conversation with their mother. Nor the sight of her without feeling intense rage or disgust. The feelings that adult children have toward Witch mothers are intense & sometimes unmanageable. Personal limits must be respected, particularly in terms of safety.

Keeping a safe distance from one's mother may mean not being alone with her. The presence of another person can reduce the possibility of attack by the Witch or by the adult child. Shit that's us & I've said this myself before & I will not be alone with her ever~ at all.

Disengage from conflict. The Witches hostility can trigger volatile arguments between her & her children. Adult children must disengage from conflict as soon as it erupts. Ending a discussion when her words become hauty, or sharp or her heart turns cold is essential. A verbal attack by the Witch evokes an instantaneous visceral response of feeling sick to the stomach, an indication of the power of her venom. Although she may state "You make me sick", the Witches words make others sick. Adult children have one option: not reacting to her attempts at provocation & leaving. The Witch mother often uses threats to control adult children.

Never try to control her.Disaster is certain to follow any attempt to control the Witch. One patient recommended that her mother take medication to reduce her anxiety. The patients mother felt controlled by the mere suggestion that she needed help & told the patient, "You're the one who needs medication!". The Witches children need to respond to her domination with firm resistance. Adults must not submit to the Witch's demands & should exert control only over their own behavior. Domination is the imposistion of one's will on another. Firmness expresses the conviction of one's own will.

Cleanse the body & soul with love & goodness. The antidote for exposure to malignant denigration is to surround oneself with goodness, light & love. Adult children must counteract the effects of the Witch's verbal venom by self-soothing, caressing the spirit, holding the self greatly in the light, bathing the self in the friendship of those who love the real self, with the response of a loving dog or cat, by the warmth of one's own fireplace, a cup of tea or a warm bath.

Do no harm. Power possessed by adult children threatens the Witch's control.

An attractive young patient had plunged into despair following a conversation with her mother, who had called her a slut. During the session, a smile emerged through her tears as she discounted the ludicrous charge yet she could not shake off the feeling of being soiled. "I feel like I am 4 years old again, when my mother said she'd be better off without me," she explained. This talented young woman, a caring mother with 2 young children was an accountant. The more successful she became however the more her mother needed to degrade her. Rather than retaliate, the patient decided to take a short trip to visit a friend. She reminded herself how grateful she is to be grown up and to have the power to get away from denigration.

When it is clear the the Witch's hostility is escalating, it is time to disengage. If she is successful in provoking others to attack, she accomplishes her goal. If her hostility is ignored or tolerated it will continue and possibly escalate. The Witch will throw every emotional stone she can find in the attempt to provoke others. One mother hissed: "You will never hear the end of this" as her daughter calmly walked out the door. The Witch's words were alarming, designed to evoke fear, uncertainty & apprehension. But she is powerless over adults who use their power to disappear.
The convictions to do no harm allows one to maintain a sense of basic goodness. Without this conviction, adult children can be provoked to respond to the Witch's hostile projections. Acts of vindictiveness, retaliation, and revenge fuel the Witch's control.

This next paragraph is what I need to remember the most strongly at this point in time, after 12 months of therapy I still can't 'forgive' her, I'm still too angry & locked up inside.. however I do understand a lot now but it still doesn't fix things ... The single most powerful human is the one who masters the talionic impulse: the need for revenge. "..that deepest and most ancient of human impulses to exact revenge by taking pleasure in inflicting on others the hurt one has experienced.."

The Witch's children must demonstrate their greater power by mastering the need for revenge. Retaliation is unrestrained instinct & requires no strength of character. The Witch is trapped within her self-constructed cage of "self-hatred". Inflicting pain on such a tortured soul is pointless. Her children must transcend their hatred by holding on to the belief in their own goodness. Children who seek to revenge destroy their good selves.

Step 1: Confirm Separateness:Create distance

The Witches adult children need to create distance in 3 separate realms of their being: spiritually, physically & emotionally. Adult children can create spiritual distance with their own goodness. Children of borderline Witch's must think of their own future, of the long term consequences of acting on retaliatory impulses. They must, therefore, stand in the light of their own basic goodness, displaying strength & character by doing no harm.

Creating physical distance sends the clear message "I am separate". Power lies in what the Witch's adult children do, not in what they say. "I am" statements are likely to be ridiculed by the Witch or used to provoke the child. Being different from the Witch, being separate means not internalizing her rage, hatred, vindictiveness and need for retaliation. Separation requires the ability to walk away or to ask the Witch to leave.

Adult children can create emotional distance by not confiding in the Witch. No one should trust a Witch. The Witch uses the words of others in order to beguile & control. Many adult female children create emotional distance by avoiding being like the Witch in any way. They despise those parts of themselves that remind them of her. They may undergo cosmetic surgery to change physical features that remind them of their mother & may avoid becoming a mother at all. The word "mother" may mean "witch" to the Witch's children.

Step 2: Create Structure:Zero Tolerance

Structuring a relationship with the Witch requires one basic requirement: zero tolerance. When the Witch appears, the adult child must leave, hang up, terminate the interaction. No borderline mother is always a Witch & some borderline mothers are never Witches. But when the witch appears adult children must distance themselves immediately & completely. They must have a plan so they are not caught off guard, trapped or cornered with her. By removing one's self, this simple step in the single most affective way of disarming the Witch, but many adult children are afraid to take such a stand.

Adult children who cannot permit themselves to leave when they feel hurt or endangered must acknowledge that their behavior says "You can hurt me". The words "I will leave, I will protect myself, I will take care of myself" must be enacted, not spoken to the Witch.

Open ended situations allow children of Witches to control interactions. When making plans with their mother adult children can protect themselves by saying, "I haven't decided how long I'm going to stay". They must have the ability to get away in case the Witch appears. They need to drive their own car & should never plan to ride with someone else. They must make it clear that they will come & go as they please. They should keep visits brief & avoid discussion of controversial topics. They should avoid being alone with their mother.

Structuring a relationship with the Witch requires being alert to signs of her emergence from the good mother. The Witch's adult children need to trust their intuition, not their mother.

Step 3: Clarifying consequences: With Actions, not Words.

Then, being at last free to do as she chose, she ran out to the courtyard to tell the Lion that the Wicked Witch of the West had come to an end, & that they were no longer prisoners in a strange land. -The Wizard Of Oz

Being an adult means being FREE to do as one chooses, accepting the consequences for one's behavior & responding with consequences when one's personal limits are violated. Consequences teach others to respect personal limits. The first rule for interacting with the Witch concerns safety, hers as well as her child's. Adult children confirm separateness from the Witch by creating distance whenever they feel threatened, provoked or unsafe. The consequence for behavior that threatens the safety of others is to create distance. Secondly, the Witch can be disarmed by not responding to provocations, threats, emotional set-ups, or traps. The adult child can control what type of info is shared, how much time is spent together & how much closeness will be tolerated. That's funny because really there is none. I don't tell her anything personal, I don't visit her really and I also don't give or ask for any closeness. Why? because I don't trust her. An adult patient & his siblings dreaded celebrating holidays at their mother's home where they felt trapped, once again, with their Witch mother. When these middle-aged children suggested celebrating Thanksgiving at the patients home, their mother snapped "You're full of shit!" & ending the conversation starting "Fuck thanksgiving & fuck you!" Although her children were well respected professionals, they struggled with feelings of guilt, and anxiety, expecting to be punished for expressing their feelings.
Nevertheless, they celebrated Thanksgiving without their mother, recognizing it was her choice t not attend.

In order for adult children to survive the Witch, they must fight hatred as well as fear. The Witch's child can only stop hating through the experience of being loved. A therapeutic relationship, a surrogate parent, a relationship with an adult who believes in the child's goodness & worth are the only experiences that can mitigate hatred. The tiniest stream of light, of love, can revive a weary spirit, because the Witch's children, like all captives survive on HOPE♥

Reflecting on their childhood, adult children of borderline Witches feel as though they passed through Dante's gates of hell, over which was written, "Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here" Cruelty endured from one's mother is unlike any other. The child may repress rage, direct it at the self, or direct it as those who represent the mother. Frequently internalized rage takes a toll on the childs body, possibly contributing to autoimmune disorders & other physical ailments.

The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body, & although we can repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated, our perceptions confused & our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present it's bill, for it is incorruptible as a child who still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses & it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth.

The body speaks for the soul if the soul does not find a voice. Survivors cannot be silenced. A concentration camp survivor (Des Pres 1976) revealed in his journal, "I dare not hope I shall live through this period, but I must work as though my words will come through"..

Auschwitz survivor Primo Levi (1989) recalled that "Those who experienced imprisonment . . . are divided into two distinct categories. . . those who remain silent & those who speak. . . those remain silent who feel more deeply that sense of malaise which I for simplicity's sake call "shame,". . . The others speak. . . because. . . they perceive . . . the center of their life, the event that for good or evil has marked their entire existence."

Pain that is expressed, heard & believed is not experienced in vain. Pain that is heard can then be tolerated and healed.

The Witch's children grow up. They learn to speak; they remember the truth. Some may remain silent forever, protecting themselves from the unendurable horror of telling the truth that no one believes. Those who speak find that very few people are prepared to hear what they have to say.

Finally I can see you crystal clear

Loving the Queen without becoming her subject

The Queen's argument was that, if something wasn't done about it in less than no time, she'd have everybody executed, all round.
-Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

"When she doesn't get her way, heads roll. She is competitive, domineering, greedy & jealous".

♠It's never enough. Let her rule her life, not yours. The Queens adult children cannot fill their mother's insatiable need for attention or admiration. They cannot compensate for what she did not receive as a child. They cannot please her, control her or change her. They can however change how they respond to her.

Say "no" with your actions, not just with words". She won't take no for an answer. The Queen learned that being demanding eventually evoked compliance from others. One Queen mother acknowledged her pride in her ability to "manipulate people". Emotional manipulation is the Queen's specialty & provides self-esteem & security. Saying no to the Queen therefore, is essential for adult children who need to protect their own well-being, emotional energy & possibly their financial resources.

Be wary with gifts with strings attached. The Queen can be extraordinarily intrusive imposing her tastes, values & preferences onto her adult children & their spouses. An adult child reported that she came home from work one day to discover that her mother had let herself into her home & rearranged her furniture. The strange combination of the Queen's extravagant gifts & her inability to give what is actually needed reflects her own longing to be indulged. Others feel embarrassed for her.

"I don't believe her". Search for the kernel of truth. Queen Mothers can manipulate their children by ploys for attention through reports of illness or accidents & unless you can verify the facts you may not know how to respond appropriately Adult children need to speak to the physician, ask for copies of medical reports or tests & point out inconsistencies. No matter how offended their mother may be, adult children must have access to accurate information regarding matters of health & safety. Without verification through medical reports, the Queen's adult children are not likely to know the truth about their mother's health.

"I'm tired of being enlisted in her battles". Choose your own battles. The Queen mother instigates chaos & conflict & then enlists her children to fight the ensuing battles. Divorces inevitably pull children in half, tearing their love & loyalty to their parents apart. Adult children must refuse to enlist in the Queens army. Claims of mistreatment & threats of retaliation such as threatening lawsuits are common for borderline Queens. They will organize factions & dominate groups either with her fury or with deliberate embellished stories designed to win allegiance to her cause. She cannot rest until she wins. She will even remain bitter & jealous of her adult children's relationships with their adult father whom she divorced from many years earlier.

"I am tired of being controlled". Just say no. The Queen mother treats her children either like subjects or like objects to be used or admired. Loving the Queen mother requires that adult children embrace their power & use it only to protect themselves. The Queens children can be exploited if they cannot say no. Saying no to the Queen however is extremely difficult, even for those who are not her children. It can take years for adult children to have the courage to tell a Queen mother the truth about how they feel.Like being run over by a semi-trailer truck, they feel flattened so quickly that it is difficult to think what to say.For the first time in her life she exploded...(me) I told my mother last May how i really felt about her & I think it just went in one ear & out the other. Despite this, I feel that I have grown as an adult in our relationship (or lack of) and am no longer that little kid who is dominated by that crippling fear of her. She still tries her best to put me in my place like she always has but I've changed & it's different for me now.. she tries mostly in the form of tantrums and nasty words. I do not regret saying what i said for one second & it was a long time coming..26 years to be exact...

At some point in their lives, her adult children must tell their mother the truth about how they feel. When adult children finally find the courage to tell their mother the truth about their feelings they no longer feel like children.

"It's always about her". What about you? The Queen regards inconvenience as an injustice & can seem oblivious to the needs of others. Her circumstances feels uniquely painful, singularly upsetting & particularly unfair. Her adult children need to protect themselves from inappropriate pleas for sympathy or special treatment.


The Queen conditions her children to respond to her needs. The behavior of young children universally reflects their feeling that they would do anything to win their mother's love. Only adult children have the opportunity to separate the needs & desires from the Queen's. Submitting to the Queens relentless demands requires relinquishing the self & jeopardizes the child's mental health.

Through therapy, the Queen's adult children can uncover the unexpressed real self hidden beneath the Queen's mirror. Without treatment adult children may continue to feel empty & inadequate , depressed & hopeless. Adult children must learn to mirror their true selves instead of the Queen's.

What I need to do now...

Step 1: Confirm Separateness..."I am...."

"My mother was disappointed when I was born because I had my father's features. It's been a battle ever since. I've spent so much of my life trying not to be like her that I have no idea of who I am.."

Step 2: Create Structure: "I will...."

"There are many ways that she can get to me. I never tell her what I'm thinking or feeling because I don't want her to see the real me. It's the only way I can have some control."

**I am the master of myself. I will do what is right & good for me. I won't allow others to control me.**

Step 3: Clarify Consequences: "I won't..."

"I won't lose myself ever again. I've worked too hard to get where I am & I finally feel entitled to my own life. My husband & children are entitled to my emotional energy - not my mother!"

Mother I am too tired at night to talk on the phone, & I do not

want to talk to you when you've been drinking.

IF you call me after 10:00 pm I will not answer

the phone.

If you call me when you're drunk, I will simply

hang up.

There's no point in having conversations

You don't remember.

Variations in Maternal Fuctioning

The ideal Mother The borderline Mother

1.Comforts her child 1.Confuses her child

2. Apologizes for inappropriate 2.Does not apologize or remember
behavior inappropriate behavior

3.Takes care of herself 3.Expects to be taken care of

4.Encourages independence in 4.Punishes or discourages independence
her children

5. Is proud of her children's 5.Envies, ignores or demeans her children
accomplishments & their accomplishments

6.Builds her children's 6. Destroys, denigrates or undermines self
self-esteem esteem

7. Responds to her children's 7.Expects children to respond to her needs
changing needs

8.Calms & comforts her children 8.Frightens & upsets her children

9.Disciplines with logical & 9.Disciplines inconsistently or punitively
natural consequences

10.Expects that her children will 10.Feels left out, jealous or resentful if the
be loved by others child is loved by someone else

11.Never threatens abandonment 11.Uses threats of abandonment (or actual
abandonment) to punish the child

12.Believes in her children's 12.Does not believe in her children's basic
basic goodness goodness

13.Trusts her children 13.Does not trust her children

Monday, May 23, 2011

*Different Relationships with Different Children~

Adult children of Borderlines may experience conflict with siblings who have different perceptions of the same mother. One patient lamented that her brother accused her of neglecting their elderly mother. The patient had been abused by her mother & minimized contact to reduce the possibility of conflict. Her brother however was the designated all-good child & shared his mothers negative perceptions of his sister. Thus, conflicts are common amongst siblings who have different relationships with the same borderline mother.

This would be how I would explain the relationship with both of my younger siblings. I'm the eldest & the scapegoat, my sister the second born is the no-good child whom in our NM's eyes can never do anything right & our brother, the 3rd born is the golden child. It's also interesting that he is a boy..

When feelings regarding traumatic experiences are not worked through, emotional growth is stunted. Therefore parents must allow the child to express intense emotion in order to prevent repression of the feelings. Very often the traumatic experience is never discussed, let alone worked through.

I cannot disregard this & strongly wonder if this is what happened when my NM was taken from her own Mother & given to her FOO to be raised by them. In her own home & then gone the next & very possibly told to just simply get on with living her life. Thus BDP developed??

Messages from the Queen Mother

*"You deserve the best, but i deserve better" this is often blatantly obvious
*"What's mine is mine, & what's yours is mine" & so is this...
*It's never enough" every request she makes must be fulfilled & they become never-ending
*"I love you when I need you" my Nm never rings me for no reason, never to just say hello it's only when she wants something or to get me to do things for her: read often sucking up for me to do things for others so that in a roundabout way she looks good.
*"I resent you needing me" she's not there for me in my time of need. I could count on 1 hand.
*"I am a special exception" of course she is. She thinks everybody needs/wants/ adores her
*"The rules don't apply to me" true
*"I deserve more" she admitted to my foo she is remarrying for material possession & that she won't be in a relationship with him and come out with nothing :/
*"It's never good enough" of course not

The Witches messages to her children

*"I could kill you" she's said so many times "I brought you into this world i will take you out". And shes deadly serious & I can see now the 'witch' is truly out when shes in this mood
*"You'll be sorry" LOL
*"You won't get away with this" she is always right & if you defer from her you will pay
*"You deserve to suffer" see above
*"I'd be better off without you" she told me last year after I told her some home truths that her friends tell her to just dump me that I'm not worth it but then she tells them that I have problems
*"You'll never escape my control" no but the electric gate where i live & my refusal to answer every phone call certainly helps
*"It's my right as your parent to control you" I'm still at 35 years old "a child"
*"I'm going to make you pay". Of course NM.

Run,run,run & don't look back....and then amidst all of this she can be loving & appears to care about me. She's who I want her to be she's warm she's laughing & so am I...

'Childhood lived with a borderline mother results in an unspeakable tragedy. Few of the child's developmental needs are met because the mother cannot be a parent.'


'Masked by a smile, behind the pinafore of maternal attachment lurks a borderline mother. Dr Lawson offers a compelling portrait of mothers who project massive states of confusion & terror in her children. She presents a variety of mothers, including the make-believe mother, the fairy tale mother, the queen & witch mother along with specific clinical suggestions for dealing with each type.

The Queen Mother:

The darkness within the borderline Queen is emptiness. Her inner experience is a
deprivation & her behavior evokes compliance. She is demanding & flamboyant & may intimidate others. The Queen feels entitled to exploit others & can be vindictive & greedy. The Queen's emotional message to her children is:

Life is "all about me".

The Witch Mother:

The darkness within the borderline Witch is annihilating rage. Her inner experience is the conviction of being evil, & her behavior evokes submission. The witch can hide in any of the other three profiles as a temporary ego-state. She is filled with self-hatred & may single out one child as the target of her rage. The Witch's emotional message to her children is:

Life is war.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Understanding the Borderline Mother

I just tidied up my last blog post~ It made less sense than I had wanted it to & I can see when I am not really 'there in the moment' but on an emotional ride my posts make little sense & I cringe when I read them.

Anyway... I got an email from the library the other week saying I had this book to collect, which I surprised about because I forgotten that I had put in for an inter library loan a little while ago.

It's a really good book and from memory around $50 so I didn't want to pay for this myself as I know once read it will only sit in the cupboard. I am bookmarking pages that relate so that I can reference them in here but notice I am book marking almost all of 2 chapters~ The Queen Mother & The Witch Mother.

Like the previous books I've read on BPD, I feel the words in them are also my own. I also have moments where i read these things & it's as if parts of my childhood are in these books & it will hit me again & for that split second I am deeply saddened.

In this book it goes on to talking about the way someone cares for someone & I related this to my DG, it spoke of:

'her giving of herself and caring'..and then I realized all over again that DG is not here & I really miss her.. we had a closely knit bond that is still there whenever I talk or think about her.

Contrast to that this also mirrored what my own birth NM didn't do & I just stared realizing again that the one who was my Mum was gone. How do you live with this~ I don't know you just get on with it. It's times like these that it hits you in the face & I feel like curling up into a ball. These moments of hurt & realization will always be with me & I am learning to just quietly watch them float by & then out again the same way they seem to just drift in.

I am understanding my NM more & more & can see her in 2 lights now which make it easier to deal with but still causes me anxiety when the phone rings & it's her because you never know what you're going to get if it's going to be "nice" NM or "the pissed off" NM. A part of me feels sorry for her & can see that what she hands out is not to be taken personally but I also know that I am NM's scapegoat so I almost have to expect 'something'. And then on the other hand I strongly dislike her she freaks the hell out of me & I am never comfortable with her tone.. It's confusing

But you know,I am really looking forward to reading the rest of this book & allowing myself to 'see' more & work through it & have a better grasp on things so that when the situation arises I am ready emotionally...mmm tall feat but hopefully it can be done.

Me= scapegoat..can it?
Her=internal & external chaos.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Hiatus =over ☼

I've been on a break, a mind break. It's something that I find I need to do.
Interestingly enough Mothers Day was also in there which I do have to blog about (later in the day when I get the chance) ~ it was no doubt a part of my zoning out... Mothers Day was certainly different within me this year but it was mostly good, anything with my own little family is good & also I'm really happy with where I am at but at the same time not naive to know this work is all done, because it never will be unfortunately. Good or not it's how it is, it's a continous journey of learning & 'working' ~

The reason I am blogging this morning is that I finally got to talk to my FOO last night & I went to bed feeling defeated with a mind full of no answers & blank spaces amongst the 'what-evers' that were floating around in my head. FOO knows what was said by me now & that things were not said in the same context that were intended, hearsay. I told FOO I cannot say I am sorry for something I never said but am sorry if FOO was hurting from this. We had the chance to talk via email to each-other & just hearing a little bit of what the other one had to say.

The defeated feeling was not from the usual feelings of anxiety that I get when I do communicate with my family it was about FOO and opening up & telling me what it's been like having cancer, what the treatments are doing to her body while at the same time fighting to save her life. She is one brave person and I am so glad she knows I do love her and am here for her because it's all she needs right now at the moment, at this time in her life. I feel helpless and it's a nightmare knowing what she is living with & she still has more to come.

The reason I messaged her was I really feel in my heart to tell her what I know~ that I really believe that our NM has a serious mental illness (through no fault of her own) & subsequently the effects & the choices that shes made our whole lives are a major part of the fracture within our family.She wasn't all that surprised that NM could have borderline personality disorder & has been reading the same book I bought~ which kinda shocked me..did I tell her about it?? Did someone in the family tell her?? I have no idea..maybe she does read this blog.. I don't know.

I got up this morning feeling a lot more positive for her which is a good feeling & It's all i can do for her at this point. It was then I also realized that I've been unfairly judged by a lot of family members over the wrong words that were what i had supposedly said to her, my name has been dragged though the mud (yet again) & then I also noticed how I could have done what I have done in situations before & fallen back into the way of thinking of "See it's all ok.. our relationship must be ok...things are good now"..when they're still not. Either I am a sucker or just plain stupid. Too long not sticking up for myself & what I believe in I think.

I am there for her but I also must take care of myself not only for myself but for my own family as well as my own mental health.

I can't fix my FOOS problems & will support her where I can but still have my own boundaries for myself. I am by passing my NM now & can clearly see where the problems mostly lie. NM won't like it, she may not even notice it other than I am pushing her away 'again'~ in her famous last words.

Anyway the important thing is that my FOO knows I do love her & want the best for her & I guess we can see where things go from there. I'm leaving this in the man upstairs hands that everything that has been going on with her is all alright & a side effect from the treatments & that it's not cancer that has spread to her bones. He's the only one who can save her life now it's too much for my mind to wrap itself around & I feel I have to give it up in order to be strong for her because she needs it.

FOO is being strong for everybody else but the truth is she admitted she's anything but and is feeling a breakdown coming on. I need to get my thoughts in order...remove the fear & replace it with positive thoughts & feelings as hard as that is you have not much choice.

That said keep your chin up it's not easy to stay positive when things don't go the way we hoped or planned but it's better than the alternative. Have a good day blogger family ♥