I have been wicked in my day, but I never thought a little girl like you would ever be able to melt me & end my wicked deeds.
L. Frank Baum
-The Wizard of Oz
L. Frank Baum
-The Wizard of Oz
The Witches children may feel disconnected from life, internally dead, "trapped in a world of total domination, a world hostile to life & any sign of dignity or resistance". The human spirit does not die as easily as the body. It shrivels slowly, like a plant deprived of water, & eventually succumbs from a "relentless assault on the survivor's sense of purity & worth".. The body becomes a cumbersome shell, the mind a wasteland, the eyes a mirror reflecting the vanishing will. The human being becomes a human doing; the being no longer exists.
Therapists work desperately to rescue children held captive by Witch Mothers. Although the witch may only appear for only a moment before the good mother returns, children glimpse their absolute helplessness & the futility of escape. The therapist becomes a lifeline for children to hold onto while the sand runs out of the hourglass. Time, eventually will set them free. When they grow up they can get away on their own..or if they are adults already like me..they go about learning how to set themselves free..a part of themselves the part that is locked away that nobody but them can see is finally set free.
The body speaks for the soul if the soul does not find a voice. Survivors cannot be silenced. A concentration camp survivor (Des Pres 1976) revealed in his journal, "I dare not hope I shall live through this period, but I must work as though my words will come through"..
Auschwitz survivor Primo Levi (1989) recalled that "Those who experienced imprisonment . . . are divided into two distinct categories. . . those who remain silent & those who speak. . . those remain silent who feel more deeply that sense of malaise which I for simplicity's sake call "shame,". . . The others speak. . . because. . . they perceive . . . the center of their life, the event that for good or evil has marked their entire existence."
Pain that is expressed, heard & believed is not experienced in vain. Pain that is heard can then be tolerated and healed.
The Witch's children grow up. They learn to speak; they remember the truth. Some may remain silent forever, protecting themselves from the unendurable horror of telling the truth that no one believes. Those who speak find that very few people are prepared to hear what they have to say.
Therapists work desperately to rescue children held captive by Witch Mothers. Although the witch may only appear for only a moment before the good mother returns, children glimpse their absolute helplessness & the futility of escape. The therapist becomes a lifeline for children to hold onto while the sand runs out of the hourglass. Time, eventually will set them free. When they grow up they can get away on their own..or if they are adults already like me..they go about learning how to set themselves free..a part of themselves the part that is locked away that nobody but them can see is finally set free.
Surviving The Witch
Although the witch is capable of evoking murderous rage, the key to survival lies in disarming, not attacking her. Attacking her only provokes her to further retaliation. Killing the witch did nothing to help Dorothy get back to Kansas. She won her freedom from the Land Of Oz by using power she already possessed. Like Dorothy, the witches adult children must free themselves by using the power they already possess.
Like a snake she strikes when she is confronted or cornered. The witch within the Queen may emerge when she feels controlled or when others fail to admire her or treat her as special.
A social worker in a pediatric hospital was called to observe the mother of a newborn in intensive care. The baby experienced inexplicable episodes of apnea that occurred only during the mother's presence. After close observation, the social worker suspected that the mother was deliberately smothering the infant with her breasts while nursing. Although the case was reported to child abuse authorities, the child remained in the mother's custody. Five years later the mother was convicted of killing the child by injecting her antipsychotic medication into the child's intravenous line. This 5 year-old-child had lived her entire life with a mother who was trying to kill her. SUCH CHILDREN CANNOT BE SAVED IF OTHERS BELIEVE THAT WITCHES ONLY EXIST IN FAIRY TALES.
Keep a safe distance.Surviving the Witch requires getting away. Only adult children have the power to decide how much contact they want with their mother. Some of them will not be able to tolerate her voice, or a conversation with their mother. Nor the sight of her without feeling intense rage or disgust. The feelings that adult children have toward Witch mothers are intense & sometimes unmanageable. Personal limits must be respected, particularly in terms of safety.
Keeping a safe distance from one's mother may mean not being alone with her. The presence of another person can reduce the possibility of attack by the Witch or by the adult child. Shit that's us & I've said this myself before & I will not be alone with her ever~ at all.
Disengage from conflict. The Witches hostility can trigger volatile arguments between her & her children. Adult children must disengage from conflict as soon as it erupts. Ending a discussion when her words become hauty, or sharp or her heart turns cold is essential. A verbal attack by the Witch evokes an instantaneous visceral response of feeling sick to the stomach, an indication of the power of her venom. Although she may state "You make me sick", the Witches words make others sick. Adult children have one option: not reacting to her attempts at provocation & leaving. The Witch mother often uses threats to control adult children.
Never try to control her.Disaster is certain to follow any attempt to control the Witch. One patient recommended that her mother take medication to reduce her anxiety. The patients mother felt controlled by the mere suggestion that she needed help & told the patient, "You're the one who needs medication!". The Witches children need to respond to her domination with firm resistance. Adults must not submit to the Witch's demands & should exert control only over their own behavior. Domination is the imposistion of one's will on another. Firmness expresses the conviction of one's own will.
Cleanse the body & soul with love & goodness. The antidote for exposure to malignant denigration is to surround oneself with goodness, light & love. Adult children must counteract the effects of the Witch's verbal venom by self-soothing, caressing the spirit, holding the self greatly in the light, bathing the self in the friendship of those who love the real self, with the response of a loving dog or cat, by the warmth of one's own fireplace, a cup of tea or a warm bath.
Do no harm. Power possessed by adult children threatens the Witch's control.
An attractive young patient had plunged into despair following a conversation with her mother, who had called her a slut. During the session, a smile emerged through her tears as she discounted the ludicrous charge yet she could not shake off the feeling of being soiled. "I feel like I am 4 years old again, when my mother said she'd be better off without me," she explained. This talented young woman, a caring mother with 2 young children was an accountant. The more successful she became however the more her mother needed to degrade her. Rather than retaliate, the patient decided to take a short trip to visit a friend. She reminded herself how grateful she is to be grown up and to have the power to get away from denigration.
When it is clear the the Witch's hostility is escalating, it is time to disengage. If she is successful in provoking others to attack, she accomplishes her goal. If her hostility is ignored or tolerated it will continue and possibly escalate. The Witch will throw every emotional stone she can find in the attempt to provoke others. One mother hissed: "You will never hear the end of this" as her daughter calmly walked out the door. The Witch's words were alarming, designed to evoke fear, uncertainty & apprehension. But she is powerless over adults who use their power to disappear.
The convictions to do no harm allows one to maintain a sense of basic goodness. Without this conviction, adult children can be provoked to respond to the Witch's hostile projections. Acts of vindictiveness, retaliation, and revenge fuel the Witch's control.
This next paragraph is what I need to remember the most strongly at this point in time, after 12 months of therapy I still can't 'forgive' her, I'm still too angry & locked up inside.. however I do understand a lot now but it still doesn't fix things ... The single most powerful human is the one who masters the talionic impulse: the need for revenge. "..that deepest and most ancient of human impulses to exact revenge by taking pleasure in inflicting on others the hurt one has experienced.."
The Witch's children must demonstrate their greater power by mastering the need for revenge. Retaliation is unrestrained instinct & requires no strength of character. The Witch is trapped within her self-constructed cage of "self-hatred". Inflicting pain on such a tortured soul is pointless. Her children must transcend their hatred by holding on to the belief in their own goodness. Children who seek to revenge destroy their good selves.
Step 1: Confirm Separateness:Create distance
The Witches adult children need to create distance in 3 separate realms of their being: spiritually, physically & emotionally. Adult children can create spiritual distance with their own goodness. Children of borderline Witch's must think of their own future, of the long term consequences of acting on retaliatory impulses. They must, therefore, stand in the light of their own basic goodness, displaying strength & character by doing no harm.
Creating physical distance sends the clear message "I am separate". Power lies in what the Witch's adult children do, not in what they say. "I am" statements are likely to be ridiculed by the Witch or used to provoke the child. Being different from the Witch, being separate means not internalizing her rage, hatred, vindictiveness and need for retaliation. Separation requires the ability to walk away or to ask the Witch to leave.
Adult children can create emotional distance by not confiding in the Witch. No one should trust a Witch. The Witch uses the words of others in order to beguile & control. Many adult female children create emotional distance by avoiding being like the Witch in any way. They despise those parts of themselves that remind them of her. They may undergo cosmetic surgery to change physical features that remind them of their mother & may avoid becoming a mother at all. The word "mother" may mean "witch" to the Witch's children.
Step 2: Create Structure:Zero Tolerance
Structuring a relationship with the Witch requires one basic requirement: zero tolerance. When the Witch appears, the adult child must leave, hang up, terminate the interaction. No borderline mother is always a Witch & some borderline mothers are never Witches. But when the witch appears adult children must distance themselves immediately & completely. They must have a plan so they are not caught off guard, trapped or cornered with her. By removing one's self, this simple step in the single most affective way of disarming the Witch, but many adult children are afraid to take such a stand.
Adult children who cannot permit themselves to leave when they feel hurt or endangered must acknowledge that their behavior says "You can hurt me". The words "I will leave, I will protect myself, I will take care of myself" must be enacted, not spoken to the Witch.
Open ended situations allow children of Witches to control interactions. When making plans with their mother adult children can protect themselves by saying, "I haven't decided how long I'm going to stay". They must have the ability to get away in case the Witch appears. They need to drive their own car & should never plan to ride with someone else. They must make it clear that they will come & go as they please. They should keep visits brief & avoid discussion of controversial topics. They should avoid being alone with their mother.
Structuring a relationship with the Witch requires being alert to signs of her emergence from the good mother. The Witch's adult children need to trust their intuition, not their mother.
Step 3: Clarifying consequences: With Actions, not Words.
Being an adult means being FREE to do as one chooses, accepting the consequences for one's behavior & responding with consequences when one's personal limits are violated. Consequences teach others to respect personal limits. The first rule for interacting with the Witch concerns safety, hers as well as her child's. Adult children confirm separateness from the Witch by creating distance whenever they feel threatened, provoked or unsafe. The consequence for behavior that threatens the safety of others is to create distance. Secondly, the Witch can be disarmed by not responding to provocations, threats, emotional set-ups, or traps. The adult child can control what type of info is shared, how much time is spent together & how much closeness will be tolerated. That's funny because really there is none. I don't tell her anything personal, I don't visit her really and I also don't give or ask for any closeness. Why? because I don't trust her. An adult patient & his siblings dreaded celebrating holidays at their mother's home where they felt trapped, once again, with their Witch mother. When these middle-aged children suggested celebrating Thanksgiving at the patients home, their mother snapped "You're full of shit!" & ending the conversation starting "Fuck thanksgiving & fuck you!" Although her children were well respected professionals, they struggled with feelings of guilt, and anxiety, expecting to be punished for expressing their feelings.
Nevertheless, they celebrated Thanksgiving without their mother, recognizing it was her choice t not attend.
In order for adult children to survive the Witch, they must fight hatred as well as fear. The Witch's child can only stop hating through the experience of being loved. A therapeutic relationship, a surrogate parent, a relationship with an adult who believes in the child's goodness & worth are the only experiences that can mitigate hatred. The tiniest stream of light, of love, can revive a weary spirit, because the Witch's children, like all captives survive on HOPE♥
Reflecting on their childhood, adult children of borderline Witches feel as though they passed through Dante's gates of hell, over which was written, "Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here" Cruelty endured from one's mother is unlike any other. The child may repress rage, direct it at the self, or direct it as those who represent the mother. Frequently internalized rage takes a toll on the childs body, possibly contributing to autoimmune disorders & other physical ailments.
The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body, & although we can repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated, our perceptions confused & our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present it's bill, for it is incorruptible as a child who still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses & it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth.
Like a snake she strikes when she is confronted or cornered. The witch within the Queen may emerge when she feels controlled or when others fail to admire her or treat her as special.
A social worker in a pediatric hospital was called to observe the mother of a newborn in intensive care. The baby experienced inexplicable episodes of apnea that occurred only during the mother's presence. After close observation, the social worker suspected that the mother was deliberately smothering the infant with her breasts while nursing. Although the case was reported to child abuse authorities, the child remained in the mother's custody. Five years later the mother was convicted of killing the child by injecting her antipsychotic medication into the child's intravenous line. This 5 year-old-child had lived her entire life with a mother who was trying to kill her. SUCH CHILDREN CANNOT BE SAVED IF OTHERS BELIEVE THAT WITCHES ONLY EXIST IN FAIRY TALES.
Keep a safe distance.Surviving the Witch requires getting away. Only adult children have the power to decide how much contact they want with their mother. Some of them will not be able to tolerate her voice, or a conversation with their mother. Nor the sight of her without feeling intense rage or disgust. The feelings that adult children have toward Witch mothers are intense & sometimes unmanageable. Personal limits must be respected, particularly in terms of safety.
Keeping a safe distance from one's mother may mean not being alone with her. The presence of another person can reduce the possibility of attack by the Witch or by the adult child. Shit that's us & I've said this myself before & I will not be alone with her ever~ at all.
Disengage from conflict. The Witches hostility can trigger volatile arguments between her & her children. Adult children must disengage from conflict as soon as it erupts. Ending a discussion when her words become hauty, or sharp or her heart turns cold is essential. A verbal attack by the Witch evokes an instantaneous visceral response of feeling sick to the stomach, an indication of the power of her venom. Although she may state "You make me sick", the Witches words make others sick. Adult children have one option: not reacting to her attempts at provocation & leaving. The Witch mother often uses threats to control adult children.
Never try to control her.Disaster is certain to follow any attempt to control the Witch. One patient recommended that her mother take medication to reduce her anxiety. The patients mother felt controlled by the mere suggestion that she needed help & told the patient, "You're the one who needs medication!". The Witches children need to respond to her domination with firm resistance. Adults must not submit to the Witch's demands & should exert control only over their own behavior. Domination is the imposistion of one's will on another. Firmness expresses the conviction of one's own will.
Cleanse the body & soul with love & goodness. The antidote for exposure to malignant denigration is to surround oneself with goodness, light & love. Adult children must counteract the effects of the Witch's verbal venom by self-soothing, caressing the spirit, holding the self greatly in the light, bathing the self in the friendship of those who love the real self, with the response of a loving dog or cat, by the warmth of one's own fireplace, a cup of tea or a warm bath.
Do no harm. Power possessed by adult children threatens the Witch's control.
An attractive young patient had plunged into despair following a conversation with her mother, who had called her a slut. During the session, a smile emerged through her tears as she discounted the ludicrous charge yet she could not shake off the feeling of being soiled. "I feel like I am 4 years old again, when my mother said she'd be better off without me," she explained. This talented young woman, a caring mother with 2 young children was an accountant. The more successful she became however the more her mother needed to degrade her. Rather than retaliate, the patient decided to take a short trip to visit a friend. She reminded herself how grateful she is to be grown up and to have the power to get away from denigration.
When it is clear the the Witch's hostility is escalating, it is time to disengage. If she is successful in provoking others to attack, she accomplishes her goal. If her hostility is ignored or tolerated it will continue and possibly escalate. The Witch will throw every emotional stone she can find in the attempt to provoke others. One mother hissed: "You will never hear the end of this" as her daughter calmly walked out the door. The Witch's words were alarming, designed to evoke fear, uncertainty & apprehension. But she is powerless over adults who use their power to disappear.
The convictions to do no harm allows one to maintain a sense of basic goodness. Without this conviction, adult children can be provoked to respond to the Witch's hostile projections. Acts of vindictiveness, retaliation, and revenge fuel the Witch's control.
This next paragraph is what I need to remember the most strongly at this point in time, after 12 months of therapy I still can't 'forgive' her, I'm still too angry & locked up inside.. however I do understand a lot now but it still doesn't fix things ... The single most powerful human is the one who masters the talionic impulse: the need for revenge. "..that deepest and most ancient of human impulses to exact revenge by taking pleasure in inflicting on others the hurt one has experienced.."
The Witch's children must demonstrate their greater power by mastering the need for revenge. Retaliation is unrestrained instinct & requires no strength of character. The Witch is trapped within her self-constructed cage of "self-hatred". Inflicting pain on such a tortured soul is pointless. Her children must transcend their hatred by holding on to the belief in their own goodness. Children who seek to revenge destroy their good selves.
Step 1: Confirm Separateness:Create distance
The Witches adult children need to create distance in 3 separate realms of their being: spiritually, physically & emotionally. Adult children can create spiritual distance with their own goodness. Children of borderline Witch's must think of their own future, of the long term consequences of acting on retaliatory impulses. They must, therefore, stand in the light of their own basic goodness, displaying strength & character by doing no harm.
Creating physical distance sends the clear message "I am separate". Power lies in what the Witch's adult children do, not in what they say. "I am" statements are likely to be ridiculed by the Witch or used to provoke the child. Being different from the Witch, being separate means not internalizing her rage, hatred, vindictiveness and need for retaliation. Separation requires the ability to walk away or to ask the Witch to leave.
Adult children can create emotional distance by not confiding in the Witch. No one should trust a Witch. The Witch uses the words of others in order to beguile & control. Many adult female children create emotional distance by avoiding being like the Witch in any way. They despise those parts of themselves that remind them of her. They may undergo cosmetic surgery to change physical features that remind them of their mother & may avoid becoming a mother at all. The word "mother" may mean "witch" to the Witch's children.
Step 2: Create Structure:Zero Tolerance
Structuring a relationship with the Witch requires one basic requirement: zero tolerance. When the Witch appears, the adult child must leave, hang up, terminate the interaction. No borderline mother is always a Witch & some borderline mothers are never Witches. But when the witch appears adult children must distance themselves immediately & completely. They must have a plan so they are not caught off guard, trapped or cornered with her. By removing one's self, this simple step in the single most affective way of disarming the Witch, but many adult children are afraid to take such a stand.
Adult children who cannot permit themselves to leave when they feel hurt or endangered must acknowledge that their behavior says "You can hurt me". The words "I will leave, I will protect myself, I will take care of myself" must be enacted, not spoken to the Witch.
Open ended situations allow children of Witches to control interactions. When making plans with their mother adult children can protect themselves by saying, "I haven't decided how long I'm going to stay". They must have the ability to get away in case the Witch appears. They need to drive their own car & should never plan to ride with someone else. They must make it clear that they will come & go as they please. They should keep visits brief & avoid discussion of controversial topics. They should avoid being alone with their mother.
Structuring a relationship with the Witch requires being alert to signs of her emergence from the good mother. The Witch's adult children need to trust their intuition, not their mother.
Step 3: Clarifying consequences: With Actions, not Words.
Then, being at last free to do as she chose, she ran out to the courtyard to tell the Lion that the Wicked Witch of the West had come to an end, & that they were no longer prisoners in a strange land. -The Wizard Of Oz
Being an adult means being FREE to do as one chooses, accepting the consequences for one's behavior & responding with consequences when one's personal limits are violated. Consequences teach others to respect personal limits. The first rule for interacting with the Witch concerns safety, hers as well as her child's. Adult children confirm separateness from the Witch by creating distance whenever they feel threatened, provoked or unsafe. The consequence for behavior that threatens the safety of others is to create distance. Secondly, the Witch can be disarmed by not responding to provocations, threats, emotional set-ups, or traps. The adult child can control what type of info is shared, how much time is spent together & how much closeness will be tolerated. That's funny because really there is none. I don't tell her anything personal, I don't visit her really and I also don't give or ask for any closeness. Why? because I don't trust her. An adult patient & his siblings dreaded celebrating holidays at their mother's home where they felt trapped, once again, with their Witch mother. When these middle-aged children suggested celebrating Thanksgiving at the patients home, their mother snapped "You're full of shit!" & ending the conversation starting "Fuck thanksgiving & fuck you!" Although her children were well respected professionals, they struggled with feelings of guilt, and anxiety, expecting to be punished for expressing their feelings.
Nevertheless, they celebrated Thanksgiving without their mother, recognizing it was her choice t not attend.
In order for adult children to survive the Witch, they must fight hatred as well as fear. The Witch's child can only stop hating through the experience of being loved. A therapeutic relationship, a surrogate parent, a relationship with an adult who believes in the child's goodness & worth are the only experiences that can mitigate hatred. The tiniest stream of light, of love, can revive a weary spirit, because the Witch's children, like all captives survive on HOPE♥
Reflecting on their childhood, adult children of borderline Witches feel as though they passed through Dante's gates of hell, over which was written, "Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here" Cruelty endured from one's mother is unlike any other. The child may repress rage, direct it at the self, or direct it as those who represent the mother. Frequently internalized rage takes a toll on the childs body, possibly contributing to autoimmune disorders & other physical ailments.
The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body, & although we can repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated, our perceptions confused & our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present it's bill, for it is incorruptible as a child who still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses & it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth.
The body speaks for the soul if the soul does not find a voice. Survivors cannot be silenced. A concentration camp survivor (Des Pres 1976) revealed in his journal, "I dare not hope I shall live through this period, but I must work as though my words will come through"..
Auschwitz survivor Primo Levi (1989) recalled that "Those who experienced imprisonment . . . are divided into two distinct categories. . . those who remain silent & those who speak. . . those remain silent who feel more deeply that sense of malaise which I for simplicity's sake call "shame,". . . The others speak. . . because. . . they perceive . . . the center of their life, the event that for good or evil has marked their entire existence."
Pain that is expressed, heard & believed is not experienced in vain. Pain that is heard can then be tolerated and healed.
The Witch's children grow up. They learn to speak; they remember the truth. Some may remain silent forever, protecting themselves from the unendurable horror of telling the truth that no one believes. Those who speak find that very few people are prepared to hear what they have to say.
5 comments:
Excellent article - thank you! So many things resonate with my experiences with my witch.
You are very perceptive with what you have said about people who are unprepared to hear what you have to say. I began speaking for reasons of survival. I still feel ill about all that happened but I am hoping that by talking I will feel less fear each day.
I really liked what you wrote, thank you.
Thank you Anonymous & Karen~ the one thing that keeps me going with all of this {so to speak} & to find new information is the enormous amount of help it brings not only to myself but to other people such as yourselves. It's increasingly shocking to me just how many people have known this type of life but also it's inspiring to think how experiencing all of this has shaped us all to be a new day ~ & to be caring human beings & to make something horribly wrong into a right for ourselves & for our own families. I notice all the blessings around me much more from my own experiences. We've seen & lived the worst♥
Thank you. The article clarified several points that I am already doing. I appreciate you sharing it.
Ruth
This was such a good read, thank you so much for posting! I'm about to do something that will likely turn my mom into the Witch, and your article is helping me mentally prepare.
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