Monday, August 30, 2010


"Where you going?"...." I'm leaving you ".. "No you aint".... come back all I know is I love you too much ♥

Eminem ft Rihanna - love the way you lie lyrics

All this commotion, emotions run deep as oceans exploding

What do you do?

When your mother isn't there for you but is there for everybody else & you & both her know it?
It's her way of always putting you in your place, of letting you know who is boss & while you live under her roof you go by her rules or you can get out.
But she never listens to you or is never there, what if your standards are actually higher than hers but because she has no boundaries she has no clue that you indeed have any. What do you do when your mother comes home & thinks the sex her daughter just had was consentual  when it's actually not at all. She doesn't look at me long enough to listen because she's too busy ranting & raving about how she wanted you to come to her first but you didn't. What if you didn't go to her first because you didn't even know what was about to happen after she went out for the afternoon you never wanted it to happen let alone plan it??!!

What if it just happened & you had no voice to speak up for yourself? What if you saying 'no' over again was not listened to & it happens anyway?

Her decibel rises, the neighbors close hear everything because she's yelling, and then she starts the phone calls to family to tell my Dad & Grandparents? .." do you know what your darling daughter has just done?". How do you answer that when all you want is for her to STOP & listen? But again she hasn't & won't.

Then how does it feel to be asked by him every week after school "HEY are you pregnant?"
How would I know I don't even have a clue.

I've never talked to my Dad about this because I feel too ashamed & he doesn't know the truth. My Grandma died not knowing the truth & that hurts the most.

I will find out tomorrow how to deal with this one & somehow find a place to let it be. I am unsure how old I actually was, 13 or 14 I have no idea which one I don't need to remember.
I feel angry but I know it will be ok & one less hurdle. It's an old chapter & it can't hurt me anymore unless I let it. Right now I feel really angry.
What would you do if this was your daughter? I know what I'd do.


I'd been thinking about this for a while so yesterday morning I decided to ring my Aunty who took care of us for the majority of the time after Mum & Dad separated.

She is actually my mothers Aunty.

Her sister was my Mums birth mother.
And it was their parents who then raised my Mum.

It's still a bit confusing for me to place them and try to picture them because I either never knew some of these people, or I was very young when they died & don't remember a real lot about them as I did spend most of my earlier time with with my Dad's parents (Grandma & Grandpop).

I wanted my Aunty to know that from going on this journey that I am very thankful to her and what she did for us isn't just 'nothing' I knew she'd say it was when I talked to her about it yesterday.

No, it is a big thing, she helped to raise us 3 and she not only did a fantastic job but she was there for us and helped to give stability to us when we most needed it.

Each holiday break from school was either spent at my Dad's house, my Grandparents or at our Great Aunty & Uncle's house. I remember wanting to know why we had to go away every break and NM said "I need a break".

But if we were already at school all day everyday, then why did she need a break every school holiday from us, as well? We'd go to Dad's every 2 weeks, she did get time to herself. It made me feel like we were in a sense 'disposable', & I felt less valued the older I became . It felt the older we got, the less special we were. Truth is the older we got, the more clued on I know I became & not because I wanted to but more because I had to.

At my Aunties house we'd have the most fun. She also taught us how to be responsible, we helped when it was chore day (which we hated LOL) but there was so much more. It really was our second home. I'm also thankful our Aunty did not ring DOCS as she had said she was going to because it would have separated the 3 of us. Looking back now it's scary stuff. SO so thankful♥.
It was also the same Aunty who found out about 'that man' & then did what she needed to do.

She was and is an special person for what she did, the things she taught us & the way she made us feel like we were included in everything. We were an 'extension' of their family & going there felt like it was 'home' too. We never felt like outsiders not once. Subsequently my cousin & I are close, well not as much now but as kids we were like sisters. Life just gets busy now but we do keep in touch when we can & we always pick up where we left off the last time.

Really, all of our family extended  as well as one of my grandpops  sisters who one I am very close to now & have always had a soft spot for whilst growing up. She's the closest thing I have to a Mum & a Grandma. We talk on the phone every week, we're very alike & we always finish our phonecalls with 'I love you'.

I think I'm a bit blessed ♥.

I do feel lucky despite looking back at why things happened, what happened & what could have happened. We were surrounded by lots of love & family xxxx

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Madonna - Oh 'Mother'

♥ ♪ I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one

How to Forget The Past |

How to Forget The Past |

So Cathartic.

I am just going to copy & paste this extract, it's easier and it gets 'out' what I've been feeling & really I can't be bothered finding my own words to say it.


The first emotion that I experienced was euphoria. It was incredible! Suddenly everything made sense. I wasn't crazy!
Those times there was a conflict between what I remembered and what she swore - there was now every reason to suppose I had been right!
It was a time of things falling into place and making sense. And that was massive.
But then, a few weeks later, the pain started.
The hurt started. The 'why?'s. The bereavement, the knowledge that I had no mother, that in a very real way I had never had a real mother, and above all, that I never would. The knowledge that I was an emotional orphan, and always had been.
Then came anger. How DARE she treat me like that! How dare she dismiss me so easily and neglect me and not care for me. How DARE she lie to me! How dare she dismiss my successes and feed off my tragedies.
How dare she tell me it was all my fault. How dare she make me feel like I was never good.
Then the memories started popping up. Things I had forgotten just popped into my head, and I was now seeing them through the filter of the Narcissism awareness.
Then sadness. A very deep sadness for that little me, that little innocent girl who was not properly loved, who was only fodder for her mother's Narcissism. A sadness for all the love and laughter I hadn't had. A sadness for the huge, huge loss.
Then liberation.

At this time of writing ( or copy & pasting!) I have had little contact with my Mother for just over 12 months - and the freedom and sense of safety just gets better and better.

Thursday, August 26, 2010


Beautiful Eminem

Madonna - Devil Wouldn't Recognize You

As quiet as it is tonight
You'd almost think you were safe
Your eyes are full of surprises
They cannot predict my fate
Waiting underneath the stars
There's something you should know
The angels they surround my heart
Telling me to let you go

I bet he couldn't
I bet he couldn't recognize
But I played right into it
Who am I to criticize
Somehow I get the feelin that you don't even
Realize you've fallen for your own disguise

It's like over and over you're pushing me
Right down to the floor
I should just walk away.
Over and over I keep on coming back for more
I play into your fantasy
Now that it's over
You can lie to me right through your smile
I've seen behind your eyes
Now I'm sober, no more intoxicating my mind

Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, But I do
Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, but I do
Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, but I do
Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, but I do, I do, I do

You almost fooled yourself this time
Let all the saints be praised
You hide your sadness behind your smile
And you keep your lost heartbreaks
The steps that edge along the ledge
Is much higher than it seems
But I've been on that ledge before
You can't hide yourself from me

Madonna Miles Away

12. Madonna - Voices [Hard Candy Album]

Treat me like a curse
Then tell me I'm your saviour
I'm never with the stranger
I used to know so well
Waiting for your answer
Is a kind of torture
Could I grow accustomed to this kind of hell?

Are you walking the dog, 'cause that dog isn't new
Are you out of control, is that dog walking you
Haven't you had enough, now your time is up
Baby show me your hand

Voices start to ring in your head
Tell me what do they say
Distant echoes from another time
Start to creep in your brain
So you play madness like it's convenient
You do it so often that you start to believe it
You have demons so nobody can blame you
But who is the master and who is the slave?

First you say you love me
Then you wanna leave me
Then you say you're sorry
You play the game so well
I bought your illusion
You're the greatest salesman
How could I refuse you
When you sold it to yourself

Your mother is supposed to protect you and mind you..

- and here she is turning on you. There is no protection against it.

There are no limits to what they'll do or say in the throes of their rage. They'll eviserate your personality, your very Self. It's like soul- annihilation. It's so destructive and vicious. It's a self-esteem destroyer.

Narcissistic Mothers have many subtle - and sometimes not so subtle - forms of abuse.

She lies to us and about us. She insults us, sometimes so subtly that we're left wondering if we imagined it. Sometimes the insults are wrapped in a cloak of concern, "Poor you, you're always so confused".

She demeans us and doesn't respect us whatsoever.

She ignores us when it suits her and overwhelms us what that suits her.

She manipulates us, our feelings and our situations for her pleasure.

She controls us, using us as a pawn to get her narcissistic supply.
She ignores our personal boundaries, both physical and emotional. She treats us as an object, only existing for her gratification. She denies our basic existence, our very humanity.
She can't be trusted. She says one thing one day, and another the next.
She misuses your vulnerabilities. She knows them, as your mother.
Parentification is the trait in Narcissistic Mothers of expecting her daughter to look after her instead of the other way around.

This parentification can take the form of the daughter being expected to meet physical needs far beyond her age, such as clothes-washing (her own, or her own and her mother's), cooking, minding younger siblings, fetching and carrying for her mother and so on.

But it can also take the form of the daughter being expected to take care of her mother's emotional needs. In this case her mother will probably speak very inappropriately to her daughter of her relationships (including her relationship with the daughter's father if that's still relevant), of her sex life, of her issues and concerns.

This process of parentification is very abusive as the daughter, correctly judging this as the price of her mother's approval, and not knowing any better, tries to take on the burden of meeting those needs.

This means that she is not paying attention to her own needs and desires and attending to the important business of growing up. And it also means that she's trying to do stuff she's just not equipped for.

Parentification is a huge burden to put on a small girl, but one that Narcissistic Mothers put on without conscience.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Warm ☼

2 words...


Can it get any better than this? I finally have the key I've been looking for & I have to tell you it feels pretty damned good ♥

So from here on in, they are not just words on a screen, written on a piece of paper or read in a book . They represent what I've had 'missing' from my vocabulary for a really long time.. the even better thing is that I've even been able to put this into place, & successfully.

And I have to say it feels pretty good, I think I'm almost home & taking back what is rightfully mine ♥

4 more weeks (ok 2 months to go) and 3 big topics to cover. Seriously, I wish I had have done this sooner, but the timing wasn't right...better late than never though xxxx

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Madonna - Inside Of Me

My Grandparents..

I'm learning throughout all of this process that I never really allowed myself to let go or to grieve properly and move on & now I understand the enormity of why that is & how do I go about it?
Right now I can't & I don't particularly even want to & that's ok. I'm not ready at all. I've not talked about this yet either but I like how it is making sense to me whereas before it wasn't as easy to see why it still affected/s me as much as it does. So the puzzle is fitting.

But when it hits it hits hard, it's painful & it's always random. It shouldn't be this 'raw' but often it is. It's upsetting & emotionally draining but I also feel a huge sense of love and then that overwhelming loss at the same time. Where is this time that people speak of where they say "Time heals but you don't ever forget"?
Time heals NOTHING.

My sister has said to me "I don't know why you care about her so much" and weeks ago "you're a bit immature how you still get upset". Nice. The thing is she doesn't get it nobody does. She still has her 'mum'.

I know I am grieving her as my Mother & it hurts like hell but It's something I have to do at some point in my life. Be able to remember her but not with so much emotion or pain attached to it would be really nice & I think if she could she'd like that for me too. Last week I put her picture in the lounge room on the table beside the lounge & it feels nice to be able to sit there and look over at it and feel happiness & now I understand where she fit in my life. It sounds nuts but I feel peaceful sitting beside her photo but if that's what I have to do then that's what I have to do & I'm happy to do it ♥

Madonna - Gone

How I feel

Some days I feel really good & am happy with my 'progress'. Pretty much every time I drive home from my appointment I feel this inner peace and I think of how lucky I really am that I can now understand and have been able to let go of things that have been bothering/bottling up inside of me for so long. Then there are those few days where lately I feel like shit & that I don't have that 'sister' thing anymore, I don't have it with anybody.
Sure I have my hubby but it's not the same as that 'girly girl thing' I had with my sister. I do miss her and I wish things could go back to the good times that we did have but I also feel what we did have, none of it will ever be the same again.

I could ring her up but then I have to eventually deal with her problems which she's brought upon herself from the decisions she made and that's what stops me from having any contact at all. Maybe it's just that I am not done yet so in time I'll be able to do that with no worry at all.

I see other people doing things with their Mums and it hurts that I could be doing those things with my mum but with her none of it's real. And that's all I want, REAL. It's all a game for her for the outside world to see how great a Mum she is when shes far from it.

Sure I have my girlfriends & that's great but I feel like I don't belong anywhere. No Mums, no sisters. It's either I don't do what they do therefore it makes me 'wrong' so I'm not included, or I'm looked down upon.. it's as if we all have to have the same qualities or else you don't 'qualify' to be in the 'club' so to speak. It makes me mad as hell to be honest, such a narrow minded way of thinking. Even though we all bring our own 'gifts' and we're all individual, I feel not accepted. For what reasons I don't know.

It reminds me of primary school.
So then I think "Do you really want that, is it really important?". I swing between yes & no & the more I think about it now, no thank-you. Unless of course things changed.

I'm not 'inferior' & won't be made to feel that I am just because I can't do something, maybe It's that I simply don't want to, or it's not my thing. There are my own things, my own beliefs my own way of doing things, my own priorities that matter. Certainly does not make me wrong.

Don't we have anything to learn from each-other? Wouldn't it be boring to all be the same?

Lately I wish I did have another sister at least then I could go to her and it'd not be so concentrate. I'd not feel like I am then missing something.

And then it all comes back to the one person who would never/didn't treat me like this & isn't here to pick me up when I need it. I wonder why does it have to happen that way?

Friday, August 6, 2010


Is one word how I describe myself.

Everywhere I look I see either heartache of some description, be it on the news, people I know, friends, family, and sometimes even my own...we all have our own 'struggles' but we need to overcome them & not allow them to take over who we are. Who we are inside, who our spirit is.

I choose to be happy, to see the good things in life.
And it's easy.
I guess I have seen the worst & am thankful for those life lessons.
My glass has always been 'half full' .

And even as I go on this journey of self discovery I am sometimes shocked & saddened (all over again) but I am also proud of ME and who I have become.

Yep, I think I have done pretty well despite the side roads that my life has taken me I've always gotten back onto my own track, the one I could see ahead of me but just sometimes it was through the fog.

Life isn't cured it's managed ♥

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Dr Phil

Everything is beginning to fit into the puzzle now & it's almost all making sense.

I know my mum was not there for me because she wasn't even there for herself, but on the same token she only thinks about herself.

Today's show is about young girls and promiscuity & my mum was a very promiscuous young girl. It's no secret she never cared that it hurt her Grandparents who had raised her, when she'd decided she was moving out of their house and into her birth Mothers house & it was because she wanted freedom.

Freedom to be out at night with boys & to do whatever it was that she wanted, whenever she wanted. She's never been one to follow rules of any sort & she doesn't care who gets trampled on if it means she will get what it is she wants.

She grew up and was raised with healthy attitudes, love and respect but shes never been able to give it back. It was how she was getting what she thought she needed. Her real dad was not in the picture at all even though her Grandparents were it still wasn't not enough. She still knew who her real parents were even though her Grandparents were in every sense of the word.

What I'm getting at is that she wasn't there for me when I needed her the most she was the total opposite. She didn't care at all.And she didn't care who knew be it strangers, family or friends.

I've not gotten to this yet and am not sure where to start until I see my psych & after this I'm hoping that almost everything will be dealt with & along with some boundaries put into place, life will be as it should be & I'll be able to move on because none of it matters anymore. But had it all been done properly it'd not still be in my head or still be able to affect me. It's unfinished business.

She's unsupportive when it comes to the truth or to real issues, she's only supportive with superficial stuff. It's nice that she is but it's not meaningful. She only found out 6 weeks ago what actually happened & she was pretty quiet. I'd like to have seen what was going on inside her head was it regret? did she know she let me down as a Mother or did she remember the wrong story she so willingly put out to all & sundry? The only time she says anything about me going to a psychologist is when someone is there so she throws in "I hope it goes ok on Tuesday" but she never asks. So that she looks good to them & that they can see it's me who pushes her away for no reason at all.

I've got higher standards than her & it's never sat right with me after watching how she flitted from man to man so there in itself tells me she probably doesn't think too much about what happened at all. It's not even a big deal to her. It's her normal but it's not for me at all. You need to respect yourself, not get it from the opposite sex. She has no strength or respect for herself.

But again I can see why.

My dad still has no idea about it because it's not been something I've been able to even talk about without it affecting me, nobody (except for my hubby) does & my grandma died not knowing the real truth either which is something I have to bring up next time & work through because that really hurts me. I can't change it I can't tell her the truth. All I know is that she was heartbroken but she still said 'she understood'.

Whether she did or not she still loved ME like a Mother does even without all of the actual facts, not just hearsay. I can see since my first blog that she was who my real Mum was & we shared a closeness & everything else that has happened, and still happens just makes sense. It also explains why I feel the way I do about grandma  & why it still bothers me all this time later & I don't think that anybody really understands. I lost my mum & then I LOST my mum ♥

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

A book review of Emotional Blackmail - Susan Forward

Book Review Highlights:
• Controllers envelop us in a fog of their own making.
• F-O-G equals fear, obligation, and guilt.
• There are techniques to overcome this fog.

When the People in Your Life Use Fear,
Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You
Some people overpower us and leave us feeling defeated. Why? How? What can we do about it? These are the central questions Susan Forward asks in her book Emotional Blackmail. The author says, "Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten, either directly or indirectly, to punish us if we don't do what they want…

Our blackmailers make it nearly impossible to see how they're manipulating us, because they lay down a thick fog that obscures their actions. We'd fight back if we could, but they ensure that we literally can't see what is happening to us.

Seeing Through Fog
Susan Forward uses the acronym FOG to stand for fear, obligation, and guilt. These are the three tools of the blackmailer's trade, and most of us can't figure out how to escape them.
Are you a people pleaser? Are you afraid of disapproval? Are you afraid of another's anger? Do you feel you owe someone a duty, even when it involves something you don't want to do or is bad for you? Do you feel guilty when you don't give in? Does it make you feel you aren't a good person?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, this book is for you. Susan Forward demonstrates how emotional blackmail takes two parties, and she explains the role the innocent party plays and the price they pay. Blackmail is a sequence of demands, pressure, and capitulation, and the author clearly explains how to stop this sequence.

From Emotional Blackmail:
--"Blackmailers pump an engulfing FOG into their relationships, ensuring that we will feel afraid to cross them, obligated to give them their way and feel terribly guilty if we don't."
--"…even as we work to burn off the FOG, the blackmailer is busy pumping in thick new layers."
--"Perhaps worst of all, every time we capitulate to emotional blackmail, we lose contact with our integrity, the inner compass that helps us determine what our values and behavior should be."
--"If there is one sweeping generalization I can make without fear of contradiction, it is that 'change' is the scariest word in the English language… Nothing will change in our lives until we change our own behavior. Insight won't do it. Understanding why we do the self-defeating things we do won't make us stop doing them. Nagging and pleading with the other person to change won't do it. We have to act. We have to take the first step down a new road."

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Madonna - Nobody Knows Me

It's all ok..

On my last visit just before I left, my psychologist & I briefly discussed what we thought was going to be best for this morning.
We'd decided on a couple of topics & amongst all that I said something to her which she then said to me "That's trauma. That is trauma".

TRAUMA. The word rang loudly in my head & in my heart. I walked to the the car, got in & then lost it. BANG it hit me. I had a full on panic attack which I've not had in that severity since April when all of this came to a head. I always knew deep in my mind what happened was traumatic & I knew exactly what it was but nobody had ever put it that way before as in actually saying those words to me.
"You've had trauma".

It's hard to describe but hearing the words, it was like an acknowledgment & it's like someone is telling me "It's Ok".

It took less than 5 minutes for me to be able to breathe properly & then I cried half the way home. It was releasing in a much different way for the first time in 20 something years. Sure I've talked about it to hubby but I've never dealt with it. I just got on with it. Things in life happen, you grow, time passes so it never gets resolved. But it's there underneath everything that gets added on top of it, be it good or bad & nobody really knows about it.

So today I thought "Just go with it, get it over and done with", & really very surprisingly, it wasn't as bad as I & hubby were expecting it to be, not at all.
For that I am thankful.

One of mums boyfriends 'groomed' us, to sexually abuse us. All of us I don't know, there are things I don't remember. All I see in my mind is 'black'.

There is nothing, it's empty just a void. So what I learned and was able to see today for the first time since I was 11 or 12 years old (I have no idea how old I was because that part is still just 'black') was that my brain has actually protected me by switching off to what happened, just like a victim in a car accident does, they often remember nothing.

Mum met him in a freaking shopping centre (Kawana to be exact) where he worked at Mr Minute. Another interesting thing is that i hate that area and especially those shops and will avoid at all costs if i can & this is something that my sister never understands. Driving past on the main road is ok becuase I've replaced the 'bad' memories with good but that's as far as it goes. At the time she'd broken up with the man she kicked Dad out for & I suspect this person was to make that other one jealous and just have some fun with. (not my idea of fun...).

He used to come around to our place at night, after work & we'd watch movies, he'd bring these massive bags of the yummiest popcorn it was like the stuff you'd get at the movies. To us that was the best thing ever! Yay we were always happy when he'd turn up with this. He also had a teenage son but I don't know what his name was.

I remember he once turned up to pick us up from Dad's, we were outside of a plumbing shop he was with his son. Not sure why. He started to 'babysit' us when mum was at work. He lived on the 3rd floor down from the top of a block of high rise units along the Maroochydore River, 'Banyandah Towers'.

The first time anything ever happened was in the pool/spa area. He was watching us swimming & then told me to 'remove the bottoms of my swimmers'. I knew straight away this was wrong, I never participated. He ended up telling his son to take them off for me which he did and then threw them out onto the pavers so that I had to get out to go get them.

I DO NOT remember even getting out of the pool, it's black. I wished I could remember but what I learnt today was in the very middle of our brain is the limbic system.It registers the fear that we feel in our lives, it's the radar which we know whether we are safe or whether we have to run. It is then outside of my brain which has actually 'protected' me & is why I can visually see 'nothing', that 'blackness' has looked after me and is why I was able to move on and get on with my life. She tells me that I am surprisingly really well balanced, I had to be to be the 'Mother', the adult so I guess I had no time to be anything but strong, to pull my socks up, suck it up and basically get on with it. There was always some sort of work for me to do. Responsibilities to fulfill. Mums little helper. The big sister.

I also think that being the first born I had a massive advantage over my younger siblings.

But dealing with my mind what it's reminding of is what I do struggle with but am getting much better with it.
There was another time that stands out .One night we were staying over there while mum was at work. We'd just watched the movie "Splash", we (him & us 3) were all happy & everything was fine thing all I remember is being locked outside on the verandah in the dark it was freezing cold & he'd removed all of my clothes this time. So I sat there on the floor freezing holding my knees up to my chest with my arms to try & keep warm. I do not remember anything else.

I would have either physically or emotionally fought him off, so I was then punished. What for? I never did anything wrong.

And again, the outer part of my brain has just 'switched off' to it, because it was/is traumatic. I don't need it, it's protecting me. Amazing stuff really.

The last thing I do remember is sitting in the bedroom we slept in late one night crying, reasons are obvious. I didn't want to be there & I climbed up to the window and thought about jumping out but the only thing that stopped me doing it was my younger brother & sister sleeping behind me. This is where I've felt responsible for them and why my sister now doing what shes done has bothered me so much. Too emotionally involved. But I didn't want to die I just didn't want to be there & I didn't have the voice to use it. Too young.

Max heard me crying so called me into his room, for some stupid reason I went in there & he told me to get into his bed. I just did as I was told, even though I didn't want to. I don't remember if he was naked I think he may have been and it was not too long before he started to put his hands down the front of my underwear & was telling me "You're starting to grow ". I knew exactly what it meant & knew it was so wrong & I wanted to get out of there. I don't even remember getting out of there and into my own bed.

Again black, I remember nothing. It was some time later on that I told my cousin who then told her mum, who then told my parents. I do remember a lot of kerfuffle & we never saw him again and it was the only time that our mother actually stepped up to her responsibilities. She removed him from us. She could have ignored it. I do remember my Dad was unstoppable he was so angry & was not allowed to go to the unit because he probably would have killed him & it he'd not long become a black belt in tae kwon do so have no doubts whatsoever that he would have done something . And that whole time while it was happening, Dad had no idea nor did Mum, Nobody did.

He was a pedophile & we were very lucky. He got away with it. I didn't & I know my sister didn't.

SO, none of this can hurt me now, I actually feel ok about it, I don't feel as bothered by it, it's over and done with. Gone, no more. I drive past there and it's ok. It has been for a long time but I don't look up to the balcony which I can see from the road because I don't need to, it's my job to protect myself from that. It's not going to do me any good.

I would get scared and think "If it's black in my mind is that because something worse happened"? but it's not, he never actually physically hurt me i know that much & I'm just glad i 'blabbed' to my cousin when I did, we were very lucky how it turned out.

A short while ago, I told my mum I don't blame her for this happening. That it was her boyfriend who did it but i don't hold her accountable at all, when I very easily could. Sure I'm mad about other stuff but this wasn't her direct doing. To my shock she said to me

"You don't have to worry about him anymore". I asked why?

"I had him taken care of". My mind went inside out.

"HOW DO YOU MEAN MUM?" (all the while not really believing what she was about or had even to this point said)

She said it again, I told her she can't do things like that and just get away with it. She's a bitch, even at a time I am being brutally honest with her, told her everything that up until this point as well as things to come that she still to this day had no idea about, she can't even be real. She had to keep on lying.

What she did was she was trying to be the 'hero' in all of this, so her boyfriend who 'tried to whatever it was he wanted to do to us' hurt us, she made out she fixed it, she caused it then she fixed it.

Not right or fair, she will stoop as low as she has to, I can see that i am never going to have a mother & there is nothing I can do about it.

I've also switched off with my sister, as in I don't care so much what she does anymore. It doesn't mean I don't want a relationship with her but what we did have is over it will never be the same. I look at her as just a sister now and don't feel as emotionally involved anymore. I don't feel responsible for her, or looking as a 'parent figure' & It's a nice feeling to not have all that extra responsibility. It's not mine.

So in all, all of this has been extremely healing & I feel free, less angry inside & I feel really alive.I did before anyway but I guess this is a different part of me. I feel more of myself that was lost a long time ago and I love who she is ♥

So what I want is to live my life, and be treated the way I should be. And with respect. Kindness. Just like other people are, it's not much too much to ask is it?

Monday, August 2, 2010

Jar of Hearts- Christina Perri

Reversing the behaviours of compliance

Almost 12 months ago (after another 'mum' episode) I began reading a really good book called 'Emotional Blackmail' by Susan Forward. It's an excellent book that really goes into depth and is actually helpful/useful with lots of scenarios which you can relate to. Suffice to say I have done my homework and have just removed it from the back of our bathroom door after having had it up for me to read on a daily basis.

'The change' in me has now began and I could not be happier! Still there are other issues to come and work for me to go through on but this for me is a pretty big achievement & one for which I am happy with.

*I tell myself that giving in is no big deal. (Giving in is a big deal)

*I tell myself that giving in is worth it if the other person shuts up. (It's only a band-aid)

*I tell myself it's not worth the battle. (It is if I believe in it)

*I tell myself it's better to give in that to hurt their feelings. (What about my feelings?)

*I don't stand up for myself. You should always stand up for yourself. (Nobody else will)

*I give away my power. (I am confident with my inner self)

*I do things to please others. (I do things to please myself as well)


**Contract with Myself**

I, ♥..recognize myself as an adult with options & choices & I commit myself to the process of actively getting Emotional Blackmail out of my relationships & out of my life in order to reach that goal, & make the following promises:

* I promise myself that I am no longer willing to let fear, obligation & guilt control my decisions

*I promise myself that I will learn the strategies in this book & that I will put them into practice in my life

*I promise myself that if i regress, fail or fall into old patterns, I will not use slips as an excuse or stop trying. I recognize that failure is not failure if you use it as a way to learn

*I promise to take good care of myself during this process

*I promise that i will acknowledge myself for taking positive steps, no matter how small they are.

(signed 'me') xo