Dr Phil

Everything is beginning to fit into the puzzle now & it's almost all making sense.

I know my mum was not there for me because she wasn't even there for herself, but on the same token she only thinks about herself.

Today's show is about young girls and promiscuity & my mum was a very promiscuous young girl. It's no secret she never cared that it hurt her Grandparents who had raised her, when she'd decided she was moving out of their house and into her birth Mothers house & it was because she wanted freedom.

Freedom to be out at night with boys & to do whatever it was that she wanted, whenever she wanted. She's never been one to follow rules of any sort & she doesn't care who gets trampled on if it means she will get what it is she wants.

She grew up and was raised with healthy attitudes, love and respect but shes never been able to give it back. It was how she was getting what she thought she needed. Her real dad was not in the picture at all even though her Grandparents were it still wasn't not enough. She still knew who her real parents were even though her Grandparents were in every sense of the word.

What I'm getting at is that she wasn't there for me when I needed her the most she was the total opposite. She didn't care at all.And she didn't care who knew be it strangers, family or friends.

I've not gotten to this yet and am not sure where to start until I see my psych & after this I'm hoping that almost everything will be dealt with & along with some boundaries put into place, life will be as it should be & I'll be able to move on because none of it matters anymore. But had it all been done properly it'd not still be in my head or still be able to affect me. It's unfinished business.

She's unsupportive when it comes to the truth or to real issues, she's only supportive with superficial stuff. It's nice that she is but it's not meaningful. She only found out 6 weeks ago what actually happened & she was pretty quiet. I'd like to have seen what was going on inside her head was it regret? did she know she let me down as a Mother or did she remember the wrong story she so willingly put out to all & sundry? The only time she says anything about me going to a psychologist is when someone is there so she throws in "I hope it goes ok on Tuesday" but she never asks. So that she looks good to them & that they can see it's me who pushes her away for no reason at all.


I've got higher standards than her & it's never sat right with me after watching how she flitted from man to man so there in itself tells me she probably doesn't think too much about what happened at all. It's not even a big deal to her. It's her normal but it's not for me at all. You need to respect yourself, not get it from the opposite sex. She has no strength or respect for herself.

But again I can see why.

My dad still has no idea about it because it's not been something I've been able to even talk about without it affecting me, nobody (except for my hubby) does & my grandma died not knowing the real truth either which is something I have to bring up next time & work through because that really hurts me. I can't change it I can't tell her the truth. All I know is that she was heartbroken but she still said 'she understood'.

Whether she did or not she still loved ME like a Mother does even without all of the actual facts, not just hearsay. I can see since my first blog that she was who my real Mum was & we shared a closeness & everything else that has happened, and still happens just makes sense. It also explains why I feel the way I do about grandma  & why it still bothers me all this time later & I don't think that anybody really understands. I lost my mum & then I LOST my mum ♥