It seems that my inlaws don't like me too much, I'm not good enough for their son. How does this go unnoticed by me & by my husband for so long? I guess they do it behind doors but 2 times now they've let it slip.
Apparently I am crazy or stupid or whatever the label that they've given me is. I go to a psychologist that just confirms it. I've been blamed (scapegoat!) for anything that has gone wrong.
1. Their son being depressed
2. Our son having Aspergers is my fault as well. I'm a bad mother. My relationship with my own parents depicts no respect. My father in law over heard me once on the phone talking to my dad & what he heard & ran with was our 'love language'. We both act the goat, call eachother names..we're both as silly as eachother.
But I've had enough, and so has your son. He sees this he notices. From where I sit I've never been liked & when it was that I thought everything was fine, probably wasn't. Who knows, and I kind of don't care. I'm tired of trying, being misunderstood. Of being a scapegoat.
So here goes.
Recognize that your daughter-in-law is a person. Sounds obvious, but some mums-in-law don't get it or do it. Your daughter-in-law is a person with her own interests, her own history and traditions. She's had experiences you'll never have and knows some things you'll never know. As an adult, she's entitled to be treated respectfully. She's not a "dumb blonde," a "party girl," a "farm-girl," or a "small town hick"; people don't belong in boxes. You're the mother-in-law, and if you want to be treated with kindness and respect, you first have to show it. * I feel that I am respectful, even so that I never mentioned this in my own blog before now. To not step on toes, to put my story out there, for a bit of understanding & for you to stop judging me & making me feel I am never good enough. Bullshit I am fine, I am myself, I am who I am & I think she's doing ok. I am doing pretty well given the hand I've been dealt & I'm proud of myself too & I've done this on my own.
Accept that you are not her parent; if you feel the urge to parent her, stop. Reread step one, above! Also, your daughter-in-law has a special relationship with her own mother, based on years of devotion and mutual help.*actually no I didn't. But what I did have was an amazing, warm, loving, kind Grandma who taught me what I know what it means to be kind, who taught me how to mother. So when you judge me and treat me like I am a fool or am not doing things the way you would, you are in a sense insulting the most important person (other than my dad) in my life. I will not have it. You can keep your insulting under the radar insults. She's not going to feel the same way about you as she does toward her own mother. *Looking back & understanding things now thanks to therapy I did think pretty highly of you, i trusted you twice as much as my own mother because you did show kindness & you seemed to be 'ok'. When my Grandma died who was left, you were. Do you remember the night I came over & you comforted me when she died? You were the only mother I now had. And I trusted you. Seek to have a mutually respectful, pleasant relationship. Maybe if you sow seeds of love, calling you will occur naturally. Count your lucky stars and treat her with love and care. Remember that you have been given a golden opportunity, and your hurtful words will be long remembered. *they're very well remembered. Instead of being happy that your son is happy I am picked at instead. At any opportunity that becomes available.
Explore your motivations. Do you feel critical toward your daughter-in-law? Do you wish she were different? Is her religion wrong, her clothing too fancy/too messy, her hobbies silly? Think about this. Why do you feel the need to judge? Do you want to be judged this way? Many well-informed, intelligent people would find your religion, clothes, and interests to be quite inappropriate. Live and let live. Judging others, and seeking to criticize them in order to feel superior, are your own problems that you should address on your own. It is also good to remember that if you say something nasty and or inappropriate towards your daughter-in-law, there's a good chance she'll bring it up with your son. Not only will you lose your daughter-in-law's respect, but also your own child's. While you may think your son's opinion of you is unconditional, do you really want to be proved wrong? Everyone knows of a family where the son took his wife's side before his mother's.
Keep secrets secret. Do not, under any circumstances, gossip. You'd be surprised at how often it gets back to the person, especially within families and or mutual friends/acquaintances. If you go to one person and gossip, you are creating a situation in which your son, who is attached to this woman, is likely to feel less close to you and will want to see you less often. If you gossip amongst mutual acquaintances, you are driving your family apart; why do you want to do this? If you gossip between family members, friends, and acquaintances the one to whom you are gossiping will never trust you even if you're saying nothing negative about her, because you're displaying inappropriate behavior. And what about the day when your daughter-in-law gets together with other family members, mutual friends or acquaintances? What happens when she starts hearing what you've been saying. It will happen eventually. If you proceed to gossip and criticize, you are setting up a situation which will inevitably have negative consequences. For you.
Remember that your son now makes his own decisions. Your son chose this woman. Deliberately. Does it seem a bad match to you? Remember that he's a guy, and he probably has not shared his needs with you, but nevertheless, he has them. There are parts of both your son and your daughter-in-laws personality, wants, needs, dreams and fantasies, that you will most likely never know. There are decisions and discussions that happen between these two that may never be shared with you and those boundaries should be respected. Perhaps after being raised in a quiet home, he wanted to marry a social, outgoing person. Maybe he wants someone who makes a good salary, in order to take the pressure from him. Maybe he tells his wife that you criticized him as a child, and he likes the way she showers him with love and affection. Perhaps he hates making decisions because he's busy, and he wants a woman who will pick a car and a vacation spot so he can think of other things. Or maybe he adores you so much he wanted to marry someone just like you! Just remember that she may meet his needs in ways you don't see or understand.
Remember that your son and daughter-in-law are both adults. While you may want to keep your hand on the seat or act like a pair of training wheels on a bike, most likely, your daughter-in-law will see this as your way of indicating that you don't feel that either of them are responsible enough to take care of themselves. Do not ask for the details of every life decision they make and then proceed to discuss the options unless they specifically ask for your advice. Their decisions are just that, their decisions. Do not constantly ask them to specify all their plans..who they're going with, when they're going, why they're going, where they're going or what they're going to do when they get there. It will make your daughter-in-law feel like you are trying to parent her (see #2 above). Do not ask them to call you every time they get in and out of a car. They will most likely call you out of consideration, but requesting that they call you turns it into an obligation and again, is treating them like children. Do not 'warn' them to stay away from bad neighborhoods, get in at a decent hour or not to take candy from strangers. Okay, maybe candy from a stranger is a bit overboard, but the general idea is, under no circumstance should you ever treat your daughter-in-law like a child. Your constant questioning will only cause problems between her and your son, and eventually, you and your son.
Don't insult your daughter-in-law's intelligence. While you may think she's stupid, chances are, she's not; after all, she was smart enough to pick out your son. Also do not speak for your daughter in law when family or friends want participation for functions or events. While you may not consider her part of the family, your son does and nothing will drive them both away faster than that kind of inappropriate behavior.
Remember that your daughter in law is your son's life partner. Do not try to force yourself to be your son's first priority. If he has already made it clear or hinted to you that the new woman in his life is important to him, then respect his wishes; step aside and let him live his life with his new partner. It is their time in their life to adjust to each other and experience things together. The last thing any newly married couple wants is to have an intrusive mother in law. You as a wife, would not like for your mother in law to do the same to you so practice the same courtesy that you request of your mother in law with your daughter in law. More than likely your daughter in law already understands how you feel about coming second to your son however do not put her in a position where she has to defend her position beside your son just because you feel insecure about not being his first priority. The result of that will not only alienate your son from you; but you will only have yourself to blame for being excluded from their newly made family.
- When in doubt, imagine your daughter-in-law is a good friend. Real friends treat each other with kindness, respect, and accommodation in spite of differences. If you're ever unsure of how to respond to a situation, ask yourself what you would do if a close friend was in your daughter-in-law's place.
To close: Good luck to you mothers-in-law out there! You have a special challenge, and it's hard to see your sons "move on" with other women. But loving, unobtrusive, and well-mannered mothers-in-law are a cherished treasure, a gift not only for daughters-in-law, but for the whole family. Remember to consider all that has been mentioned above for a good relationship with your daughter-in-law.
It has to stop today. No more stupid jealousy, i didn't steal anybody, I am good enough & he is 110% happy. Is that not enough? I'm not going anywhere..what's wrong with some understanding on both parts & make this a happy family instead of making it feel nitpicked, labeled as crazy and spoken about and not in a respectful way behind ones back.