Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Thanks but no thanks

I've had something on my mind that I was going to let go of on here I wasn't going to bring it up & even though I could have before now, months ago..last year when my blog began..I instead chose not to. Why? To be respectful, to not cause trouble and to basically ignore it BUT i can't ignore it & won't be any longer. Am I being respected? I don't think so. Are things being said and have been said about me that are not true? Most definitely. Have I been told that I just make things out of nothing? Yes. Which also means our kids also make mountains out of molehills. I've only repeated what was said to me, same words word for word. Where do I start. I'm not sure because this goes back to 6 years ago. Something big that was ignored by me, swept under the family rug. But it works 2 ways that's how relationships usually go isn't it?

It seems that my inlaws don't like me too much, I'm not good enough for their son. How does this go unnoticed by me & by my husband for so long? I guess they do it behind doors but 2 times now they've let it slip.

Apparently I am crazy or stupid or whatever the label that they've given me is. I go to a psychologist that just confirms it. I've been blamed (scapegoat!) for anything that has gone wrong.

1. Their son being depressed
2. Our son having Aspergers is my fault as well. I'm a bad mother. My relationship with my own parents depicts no respect. My father in law over heard me once on the phone talking to my dad & what he heard & ran with was our 'love language'. We both act the goat, call eachother names..we're both as silly as eachother.

But I've had enough, and so has your son. He sees this he notices. From where I sit I've never been liked & when it was that I thought everything was fine, probably wasn't. Who knows, and I kind of don't care. I'm tired of trying, being misunderstood. Of being a scapegoat.

So here goes.

Recognize that your daughter-in-law is a person. Sounds obvious, but some mums-in-law don't get it or do it. Your daughter-in-law is a person with her own interests, her own history and traditions. She's had experiences you'll never have and knows some things you'll never know. As an adult, she's entitled to be treated respectfully. She's not a "dumb blonde," a "party girl," a "farm-girl," or a "small town hick"; people don't belong in boxes. You're the mother-in-law, and if you want to be treated with kindness and respect, you first have to show it. * I feel that I am respectful, even so that I never mentioned this in my own blog before now. To not step on toes, to put my story out there, for a bit of understanding & for you to stop judging me & making me feel I am never good enough. Bullshit I am fine, I am myself, I am who I am & I think she's doing ok. I am doing pretty well given the hand I've been dealt & I'm proud of myself too & I've done this on my own.

Accept that you are not her parent; if you feel the urge to parent her, stop. Reread step one, above! Also, your daughter-in-law has a special relationship with her own mother, based on years of devotion and mutual help.*actually no I didn't. But what I did have was an amazing, warm, loving, kind Grandma who taught me what I know what it means to be kind, who taught me how to mother. So when you judge me and treat me like I am a fool or am not doing things the way you would, you are in a sense insulting the most important person (other than my dad) in my life. I will not have it. You can keep your insulting under the radar insults. She's not going to feel the same way about you as she does toward her own mother. *Looking back & understanding things now thanks to therapy I did think pretty highly of you, i trusted you twice as much as my own mother because you did show kindness & you seemed to be 'ok'. When my Grandma died who was left, you were. Do you remember the night I came over & you comforted me when she died? You were the only mother I now had. And I trusted you. Seek to have a mutually respectful, pleasant relationship. Maybe if you sow seeds of love, calling you will occur naturally. Count your lucky stars and treat her with love and care. Remember that you have been given a golden opportunity, and your hurtful words will be long remembered. *they're very well remembered. Instead of being happy that your son is happy I am picked at instead. At any opportunity that becomes available.

Explore your motivations. Do you feel critical toward your daughter-in-law? Do you wish she were different? Is her religion wrong, her clothing too fancy/too messy, her hobbies silly? Think about this. Why do you feel the need to judge? Do you want to be judged this way? Many well-informed, intelligent people would find your religion, clothes, and interests to be quite inappropriate. Live and let live. Judging others, and seeking to criticize them in order to feel superior, are your own problems that you should address on your own. It is also good to remember that if you say something nasty and or inappropriate towards your daughter-in-law, there's a good chance she'll bring it up with your son. Not only will you lose your daughter-in-law's respect, but also your own child's. While you may think your son's opinion of you is unconditional, do you really want to be proved wrong? Everyone knows of a family where the son took his wife's side before his mother's.

Keep secrets secret. Do not, under any circumstances, gossip. You'd be surprised at how often it gets back to the person, especially within families and or mutual friends/acquaintances. If you go to one person and gossip, you are creating a situation in which your son, who is attached to this woman, is likely to feel less close to you and will want to see you less often. If you gossip amongst mutual acquaintances, you are driving your family apart; why do you want to do this? If you gossip between family members, friends, and acquaintances the one to whom you are gossiping will never trust you even if you're saying nothing negative about her, because you're displaying inappropriate behavior. And what about the day when your daughter-in-law gets together with other family members, mutual friends or acquaintances? What happens when she starts hearing what you've been saying. It will happen eventually. If you proceed to gossip and criticize, you are setting up a situation which will inevitably have negative consequences. For you.

Remember that your son now makes his own decisions. Your son chose this woman. Deliberately. Does it seem a bad match to you? Remember that he's a guy, and he probably has not shared his needs with you, but nevertheless, he has them. There are parts of both your son and your daughter-in-laws personality, wants, needs, dreams and fantasies, that you will most likely never know. There are decisions and discussions that happen between these two that may never be shared with you and those boundaries should be respected. Perhaps after being raised in a quiet home, he wanted to marry a social, outgoing person. Maybe he wants someone who makes a good salary, in order to take the pressure from him. Maybe he tells his wife that you criticized him as a child, and he likes the way she showers him with love and affection. Perhaps he hates making decisions because he's busy, and he wants a woman who will pick a car and a vacation spot so he can think of other things. Or maybe he adores you so much he wanted to marry someone just like you! Just remember that she may meet his needs in ways you don't see or understand.

Remember that your son and daughter-in-law are both adults. While you may want to keep your hand on the seat or act like a pair of training wheels on a bike, most likely, your daughter-in-law will see this as your way of indicating that you don't feel that either of them are responsible enough to take care of themselves. Do not ask for the details of every life decision they make and then proceed to discuss the options unless they specifically ask for your advice. Their decisions are just that, their decisions. Do not constantly ask them to specify all their plans..who they're going with, when they're going, why they're going, where they're going or what they're going to do when they get there. It will make your daughter-in-law feel like you are trying to parent her (see #2 above). Do not ask them to call you every time they get in and out of a car. They will most likely call you out of consideration, but requesting that they call you turns it into an obligation and again, is treating them like children. Do not 'warn' them to stay away from bad neighborhoods, get in at a decent hour or not to take candy from strangers. Okay, maybe candy from a stranger is a bit overboard, but the general idea is, under no circumstance should you ever treat your daughter-in-law like a child. Your constant questioning will only cause problems between her and your son, and eventually, you and your son.

Don't insult your daughter-in-law's intelligence. While you may think she's stupid, chances are, she's not; after all, she was smart enough to pick out your son. Also do not speak for your daughter in law when family or friends want participation for functions or events. While you may not consider her part of the family, your son does and nothing will drive them both away faster than that kind of inappropriate behavior.

Remember that your daughter in law is your son's life partner. Do not try to force yourself to be your son's first priority. If he has already made it clear or hinted to you that the new woman in his life is important to him, then respect his wishes; step aside and let him live his life with his new partner. It is their time in their life to adjust to each other and experience things together. The last thing any newly married couple wants is to have an intrusive mother in law. You as a wife, would not like for your mother in law to do the same to you so practice the same courtesy that you request of your mother in law with your daughter in law. More than likely your daughter in law already understands how you feel about coming second to your son however do not put her in a position where she has to defend her position beside your son just because you feel insecure about not being his first priority. The result of that will not only alienate your son from you; but you will only have yourself to blame for being excluded from their newly made family.

  • When in doubt, imagine your daughter-in-law is a good friend. Real friends treat each other with kindness, respect, and accommodation in spite of differences. If you're ever unsure of how to respond to a situation, ask yourself what you would do if a close friend was in your daughter-in-law's place.

To close: Good luck to you mothers-in-law out there! You have a special challenge, and it's hard to see your sons "move on" with other women. But loving, unobtrusive, and well-mannered mothers-in-law are a cherished treasure, a gift not only for daughters-in-law, but for the whole family. Remember to consider all that has been mentioned above for a good relationship with your daughter-in-law.

It has to stop today. No more stupid jealousy, i didn't steal anybody, I am good enough & he is 110% happy. Is that not enough? I'm not going anywhere..what's wrong with some understanding on both parts & make this a happy family instead of making it feel nitpicked, labeled as crazy and spoken about and not in a respectful way behind ones back.

Monday, October 3, 2011

It's been 15 months

Since my sister first found out about this cancer. I was told that this weekend. It was July of last year. When I look at it like that, I can't help but think.. "Oh she's doing pretty well then".. & for a while I feel fairly positive. But when I also look at each time I've seen her, I can't not notice how fast it seems to be progressing from the time before that that I saw her. I also know she is fighting with everything she has.

Everyday is a contradiction, everyday is different.

My sister is stubborn. I used to think this was not a good thing but right now it's exactly what she needs.

Emotions....they are like a rollercoaster & nobody tells you about that. You can imagine but you can never really imagine what it feels like. In fact nobody really tells you anything. It is like being in this club that everybody knows about it but nobody wants to be a member of or to know someone they love is a member of. I think a part of my brain overlooks what is actually going on.

She turned 32 yesterday & she looked happy♥ In pain but happy. For some reason the pain relief isn't working as well this time around. She is having chemotherapy again & more radiotherapy on her lungs. She can't breath properly and her right lung has collapsed in the middle..her airways are being crushed from the lymph nodes which are also cancerous. To me I see a young woman who is fighting & holding her head up & also looking for something, her mind & eyes are able but her body is defeating her, It's letting her down. Then at times maybe it picks up, or maybe the pain killers are working properly & doing their thing. How would I know.

I've seen her now in pain and not in pain & it's not easy. I want to sit down with her and have a proper heart to heart talk. For us both to cry & to just bond on another level. We're getting along as if nothing has ever happened or gone wrong & for that I am forever grateful & I get the feeling she is too..

I go through different emotions of being angry at myself for being ever angry at her & then I say to myself that I wasn't to know. I think what it is is, that knowing how much time we've wasted being angry and how that can never be given back. I also know we're doing something about that right now & I can see that we somehow couldn't do properly before & I think had we not gotten this small chance.... I do wonder how we got here I wonder that all the time & it seems like just a bad dream.

Today is a good day, yesterday morning wasn't, & tomorrow will be one or the other. I think it will be ok. The bad days seem to be less often now they're still at least once a week but not all consuming like they were in June.

I probably have a lot more to say but don't really feel like it, because things are atm, pretty good. I try to find the positive if I can and if I can't, then I can't. And that's ok :).

There is a LOT more I can say on other topics but I really cannot be bothered. Maybe next time.