It's been 15 months

Since my sister first found out about this cancer. I was told that this weekend. It was July of last year. When I look at it like that, I can't help but think.. "Oh she's doing pretty well then".. & for a while I feel fairly positive. But when I also look at each time I've seen her, I can't not notice how fast it seems to be progressing from the time before that that I saw her. I also know she is fighting with everything she has.

Everyday is a contradiction, everyday is different.

My sister is stubborn. I used to think this was not a good thing but right now it's exactly what she needs.

Emotions....they are like a rollercoaster & nobody tells you about that. You can imagine but you can never really imagine what it feels like. In fact nobody really tells you anything. It is like being in this club that everybody knows about it but nobody wants to be a member of or to know someone they love is a member of. I think a part of my brain overlooks what is actually going on.


She turned 32 yesterday & she looked happy♥ In pain but happy. For some reason the pain relief isn't working as well this time around. She is having chemotherapy again & more radiotherapy on her lungs. She can't breath properly and her right lung has collapsed in the middle..her airways are being crushed from the lymph nodes which are also cancerous. To me I see a young woman who is fighting & holding her head up & also looking for something, her mind & eyes are able but her body is defeating her, It's letting her down. Then at times maybe it picks up, or maybe the pain killers are working properly & doing their thing. How would I know.

I've seen her now in pain and not in pain & it's not easy. I want to sit down with her and have a proper heart to heart talk. For us both to cry & to just bond on another level. We're getting along as if nothing has ever happened or gone wrong & for that I am forever grateful & I get the feeling she is too..


I go through different emotions of being angry at myself for being ever angry at her & then I say to myself that I wasn't to know. I think what it is is, that knowing how much time we've wasted being angry and how that can never be given back. I also know we're doing something about that right now & I can see that we somehow couldn't do properly before & I think had we not gotten this small chance.... I do wonder how we got here I wonder that all the time & it seems like just a bad dream.

Today is a good day, yesterday morning wasn't, & tomorrow will be one or the other. I think it will be ok. The bad days seem to be less often now they're still at least once a week but not all consuming like they were in June.


I probably have a lot more to say but don't really feel like it, because things are atm, pretty good. I try to find the positive if I can and if I can't, then I can't. And that's ok :).


There is a LOT more I can say on other topics but I really cannot be bothered. Maybe next time.