Saturday, August 27, 2011

Monday, August 15, 2011

24 hours ago

This time last night that my sister sends me a message on facebook telling me that she's not feeling too good..she's in a fair amount of pain & it was difficult to breathe. She'd been out with our Dad for dinner & had a sudden coughing fit which left her with a very sharp pain in her right side going from under her breast going through and radiating from her back. She didn't say anything at all about it to Dad she didn't want to worry him..he went home that night & then she basically put up with the pain for another 24 hours...and then that's when she told me.
I'd seen her earlier that day she seemed to be nauseous and not looking too happy the chemotherapy had begun to make her feel sick.

She was wondering if she'd pulled a muscle or maybe even cracked a rib the pain was that bad. She had next to no sleep she's up anyway during the night normally trying to get comfortable, using her hot water bottle, refilling it & so on. Her quality of life seems to be fast going down hill. She's either in pain or not sleeping because of the pain.

So I said to her last night & at the risk of her going mad at me that maybe it was a good idea to go to the hospital to be checked out, I could take her or she could ring for an ambulance. I got the response I knew I would and she was against that saying that emergency isn't for a bit of wheeziness or a pulled muscle...but this isn't just a little scratch I'm thinking. You have cancer.

I told my husband & he said the same as I did that she should really go. I suggested maybe just ring emergency then & see what they think so she did & she was asked to come up straight away. Her breathing was obvious on the phone. I jumped in the shower & left home at around 11pm. It was a full moon last night & there was no traffic at all, it was just me on my own going to my sister. I felt hugely calm, I had a job to do there was no time for emotions to take over plenty of time for that later on my own. We left her place and arrived at the hospital at around midnight or thereafter & she was seen immediately. We waited no longer than 10 minutes.

The nurse was visibly taken back, probably because of her age. She had to ask my sister questions & I could tell she was just at a loss. She was very caring & did her job.. She took her stats they were all stable, a good sign at least. She asked if we were sisters which we looked at each-other & said "Yep" we all smiled, the nurse who was around our ages said something to the effects of "that's so good, that's so cool" & you could tell that there were just no other words. That was a bit hard and I pushed back that lump in my throat & looked across at some curtains & cupboards it wasn't the time. She got her a room around the other side of emergency she was so swift.
We waited there in the other area & during the night she was seen by numerous medical staff. Her breathing was difficult so she was put on oxygen which she stayed on for the entire night. They also gave her panadeine forte for pain relief as well as another chemotherapy pain relief tablet, I have no idea what it is. Before now, she was given by the previous hospital only panadol & nurofen to help with her pain..that is digusting. It wasn't even touching the sides.

She had bloods taken & the night nurse must have been in a hurry because the amount of mess she made with the blood, she was a bit rough. I've never seen anything like it. And my sister hates needles. The porta cath in her chest, this is where they are supposed to do all of the treatments from but this one didn't. So she put a port in her arm for a drip.

They were concerned about 2 things, that it could possibly be Community-acquired pneumonia. or a blood clot because of her pain so they started her on a bag of antibiotics & a saline solution. She went for an x-ray . She later had 2 injections in her stomach for the prevention of more clots. By this time everything had been done and they were waiting for her to have a ct scan at around 9am. I think the time was now around 5am. Later on after I'd left they removed her stitches from having the porta cath put in so that was another good thing from last night.

She was going to be admitted and I was going to go up there again tonight to see her. She messaged me not long after 10 am to say that all her bloods & the ct scan came back clear!!! and they were allowing her to go home but had given her a list of prescriptions which she was waiting for to be filled & had also seen her chemotherapy doctor. She may have too much Plutonium in her body & the chemotherapy may need to be adjusted according to what suits her.

So in a nutshell she's gone home, she is happier & now has proper pain relief. Her coughing which is caused by the lesions in her lungs is what is making it difficult to breathe & her regular ventolin as the previous hospital had prescribed isn't enough. This will be what happens now I can see this, she will have her treatments but will be living with pain now for good & this is what needs to be adjusted & worked out what is best for her. She has some bruising from the coughing & interestingly enough it is more painful on the side which she has her biggest lesion in her lungs.

I'm glad we persisted I'm glad she saw that is is ok to go and be checked out. She seems to think she isn't worthy that had a car accident victim had have come in last night they'd be first priority,. I knew she'd be a priority she's got cancer but how do you say that without saying it, you know?

Tonight I hope she is at least sleeping. In time her medication will kick in she has been given one days ago which take 10 days to work within your system they're a morphine pain relief.

Argghhh if only I could take half of her pain to share it out to make it more manageable for her to live with, if only I could do more for her. You feel really helpless & to sit there for half a night with her well I see the small blessings in that that I get to spend some time with her we'd not normally. I wanted to do an 'all nighter' with her and we did it..even if it was in hospital it was just us 2, it was quiet & it was actually all ok..she was feeling comfortable. She seemed ok and I was happy. Leaving this morning was the hardest thing walking off & closing multiple doors behind me knowing I was leaving my little sister alone in there but I had to get home because I knew the sun was up, if I didn't drive home soon I'd not be capable, my husband had to be at work in 2 hours & the kids were obviously at home.

I drove off just after 6am, cried & went home to bed.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

I almost forget

What this blog was ever intended for in the first place. I also know now that if our mother was a real mother this blog wouldn't even exist. I have to go out for a while but I wanted to freshen this 'place' up a bit and I love the picture above that I found. It kind of says in a picture how I feel about this Mothering thing.

I look at that little unborn baby with it's crown of precious stones sitting gently on it's sleeping head. I look at the mother shape & I think..ok none of us are perfect nobody is. You DON'T get a manual on how to become a mother nor do you get the support you are more than often than not, desperately needing.

And then I look again at this innocent little soul & I can see that it never asked to be here,it just is. The one in the picture never asked to be treated in ways it never should be. We as the 'adult'~ the parent..put our own print onto our unborn babies because it's all we know.. & sometimes people see these precious little beings as an end to their own life, nothing but a nuisance & we get too wrapped up within our own selves.

It's something that I struggle with. Not personally but seeing & hearing.. I see mothers with their babies, their children & something isn't switched on.. it's not always their own fault I'm not into bashing mothers at all..I see healthy happy noisy, normal children & it makes me think

"If you keep doing that your precious son or daughter will end up like me, they will grow and learn to hate you..STOP IT NOW LOOK WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!"
How come we treat our children as burdens? I will NEVER understand this. No i don't feel this way towards my own because I have seen first hand I LIVED what this does to an innocent childs heart & I promised myself I'd never repeat this. I also know as an adult that sure i get annoyed with them from time to time but after having a Mother that was emotionally non-existent and often physically not available , I've learnt to over look the small things that don't matter & concentrate on what does matter.

Babies never asked to be born. We need to start seeing them as the blessings that they are. Sure they make you insanely tired, they change your body in ways you'd rather not..they sick up all over you they poop like nothing else..but they also have their own beating heart & are taking everything around them good & bad, in. We all grew up with hopefully at least one kind person in our lives, we as mothers need to be that kind person in our own babies lives. Not their best friend but loving, nurturing mothers.

I guess you could call this rant over. It's something I am really passionate about. help is available if only we'd go and look for it.Seriously don't let your kids grow up with this crack in their hearts that mine can't seem to heal, we don't realize this but we're changing who they are.

See those little abbreviated things over there>>>>>> I forget to use them, i don't really care to think about the foos & who's me none of that matters now & I can't be bothered. If someone I knew found this well then they find it, who cares!

Round 2

Yesterday my sister started chemotherapy again which she will have now every 3 weeks, then the hospital will do a scan to see how the cancer is responding & then proceed with another round. She did tell me but it's all pretty confusing. So long as I know when she is having her treatment done & if i can do anything when the time comes is all I need to know right now. I did offer to go with her but she knows me pretty well & said if I go in there & cry then she will cry & she doesn't want that.

I am glad this lot of treatment has started because it means it will keep her here with us all for that bit longer. WHo knows she might be ok when this is all done, but not being able to have it and being mucked around by hospitals also allows it to grow bigger & spread. At least now it's all systems go.

Her partner is going to come up here on those days she has her chemo so he will go with her. I offered to pick them up from her place & take them back home at the end of the day~ so I hope she will take me up on the offer at times, even everytime. I said to her that maybe I can make her food to eat then & I said I want to do something so hopefully that is what I will do. Drop them off so they don't have to worry about public transporting and I can leave her food so she won't have to worry about cooking..even if it's for that night & then some things she can take home & put in the freezer. And fresh fruits etc. I'm not just going to sit around & do nothing. She is my sister.

You feel pretty helpless just watching all this go on & seeing people around the place go on about the small things makes me pretty annoyed but I realize that it's just where I am at the moment, & that I to do those small stupid things that maybe others in this same or worse position also find I making sense? Dunno. I know what I mean.

She sent me a text last night saying it all went well yesterday, that she was really tired & was going to go to bed when she got home & can I ring our Dad? Yep no problems at all. I told her that I will & that I am proud of her, that she's a little warrior ♥. We'll catch up soon on the phone & when she's feeling up to it I will go see her & take some fresh fruits & vegetables.

Ummm what else..not much. I am keeping extra busy because for me that is best, I am also laughing a lot and trying to keep a positive outlook on things.

Dad said to me last night he thinks it could be in her whole body, the pain she's having in her lower back. She's in a lot of pain. She can't sleep on her left side or her right because it hurts. She can't sleep on her back because it hurts and her front, also hurts.

I can't imagine this & I feel so bad for her, there is nothing that anybody can do. I hope she can get some sort of pain relief. I did ask her about this on Tuesday night but she doesn't really want it. Pethidine I think she said made her feel high & she never liked the way it made her feel & I don't really remember but she might have said it didn't help the pain anyway??

I woke up at 4am this morning & couldn't get back to sleep but i did eventually. I think it's just that constant worry that is in the back of your mind & the thought of "was she sleeping? was she comfortable?" It's not nice to be in your own bed and be ok while she's off in hers fighting, struggling.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

Blogging hiatus

A lot has happened in the past month & I've not felt like blogging, which is why I haven't. I will for now keep it short & sweet...

I've spent some time with my sister, she stayed over & we had a great time watching the sunrise, shopping..and watching her ride her bike we all pitched in for and bought for her as a surprise....

I've cried more times than I can remember and I've also smiled. I gotta just remember that..☼

I've asked God to help me because I can't do this on my own. We've been to church 2times.

I have talked to my Dad lots, friends have been an amazing support when i need them, hence me not really blogging i tend to make private hidden posts and then delete them, it's the instant posting of facebook that I have needed to vent, to ask questions to let the pent up emotions out.

I booked a pap smear finally after 10 years of waiting, why did I wait? I can't answer that. I went in a week & a half ago. I get my results tomorrow.

Lots more has happened but there's been a lot in a short time and I simply can't remember anything else. I haven't been to my psychologist appointments for maybe 5 weeks? She went on holidays, that's alright because I learnt to deal with some pretty strong emotions and I did it on my own.. i go back this tuesday..and that's another thing..medicare say I only have 3 appointments left for the year that i can claim..I will pay for what I need then & claim nothing back.

I'm going to see my sister again I hope in the next couple of weeks, she is starting her chemotherapy up here which I know I am happy about because it means It will make it a heck of a lot easier for me to take her to and from appointments if she wants me to and to drop her off some dinners.. she's basically around the corner now. She is about to start some heavy duty chemo but this time I will be able to support her which is also going to make it real, when you've not been seeing it it's easy to not realize the enormity of a situation.

My heart is hurting and I allow it to open and the pain pours out, then you start all over again until the next time that it becomes too much again. I don't know what is going to happen, I'm in 2 minds & I go from one to the other and it's often a few times in one day.

That is about all for now♥ stay safe & take care xoxox