Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Jack Johnson - If I Could

..they say that new life makes losing life easier to understand. No it doesn't.

Life right now seems to be a seesaw

The first thing on my mind this morning is my sister. I found out late last night that she has cancer in her liver. I kind of suspected/thought this but for some reason you hope "not yet..I'm not ready to hear this/go down that road yet" or "no she doesn't I already asked her this & she said no it's not". All that is called denial. It's the D word which comes straight after the C word.

My hubby rarely has dreams that relate to anything that's happened within his day, but I do all the time. He told me this morning he had a bad dream I asked "Yeah what was it?" wondering. He said "Your sister pulled me aside alone & told me that she was going to die". What do I say to that? I just listened & not long after he had to go to work anyway.

This is reality, this is the road that we all have to travel on, with her now & nobody wants especially her to be on it. Everybody is holding her , except for her boyfriend who dumped her a week ago because he doesn't like her 'anger' and how she is talking to him. Real supportive & more I can't be bothered going into because he's not the main focus she is.

Our brother had a baby girl on the weekend & our eldest turned 16. He had a party with some mates it was good, she came and stayed the night & we went up together to see the new baby girl & she showed me where she has her chemotherapy which is right next to the maternity ward & birth suite. It never used to be there.

Nobody knew what this new baby was going to be but a couple of weeks before her birth I kept thinking "I think this baby is a girl and do you know what this means"..except I don't really believe in that I don't think. I can't help but keep thinking of a line in a song "One goes out one comes in"........Mums being a bitch as per usual. My sister is trying to help our relationship & she decided to tell her that I think she is a narcissist. To which mum replied

"I am not a narcissist. What is a narcissist?". She is also getting married in 3 weeks.

I don't care. I'm just keeping to myself today the best way I know how. Pretend yeah everything is great of course it is. What else can you say? I am starting to feel every time I talk about all of this it just brings everybody down & I look like a whinge arse. Yay its time to hang out the washing.