Thursday, January 27, 2011

Chapter 4 Guilt, Responsibility & Forgiveness

Guilt. It's often a word often heard amongst adult children of parents with BPD, but what does it really refer to? Guilt is often confused with shame, but in fact they're 2 different things. Guilt is an emotion; it's the feeling that you've done something wrong, According to author John Bradshaw,

"healthy guilt is the emotional core of our conscience. It is emotions which results from behaving in a certain manner contrary to our beliefs & values. Guilt presupposes internalized rules & develops later (in life) than shame....Guilt does not reflect directly upon one's identity or diminish one's sense of personal worth".

Thought of in those terms, feeling guilty would be a healthy response if you believe shoplifting is wrong, but for some reason you do it anyway. You've behaved contrary to your beliefs & values;you've violated your internal rules.

Why do you feel guilty?

While guilt can be a healthy response, toxic guilt is another story. Guilt that you don't process, guilty thoughts that you let churn over & over in your mind, leads to internalized guilt & the sense that you're responsible for things you couldn't possibly be responsible for. This kind of guilt is common for adult children of a parent with BPD. So where does it come from?

*The need to feel you are in control.
A sense of immense responsibility may be a means to feel powerful & in control of a situation where you feel powerless & out of control. For example, a girl feels responsible for her fathers repeated suicide attempts . She may be too young to realize that what her father does is his own choice. She also lives in constant fear because she never knows what she will come home to. Guilt & a sense of responsibility actually may allow her to feel like she has some control over her unstable home life.

*The roles you play, or used to play, within your family.
When you begin to remove your assigned mask, refuse to maintain the charade, or perhaps even speak out to others about your experience, you may feel guilty for violating the pact, albeit silently & implicitly agreed upon, & exposing others.

*Weak boundaries & projective identification.
A parent may unconsciously project her guilty feelings onto her child; in order to avoid feeling guilty, which is common in BPD, it's particularly easy for a child to identify with the projection and feel guilty for the parent. This is called projective identification & here's an example of how it works.
A woman is feeling especially short-tempered & impatient with her young child one day. When the child says "I'm hungry, can I have lunch now?" the woman loses her control & screams "I can't believe how incredibly selfish you are. Can't you see that it's not lunchtime yet?".
The woman is projecting; what she is really conveying is,

"I'm fried. I don't feel like I can handle one more thing, like making lunch, right now. But I must be selfish to feel that way, & I can't accept my own emotions, so I'm going to say they're coming from you, that it's your fault."

The child, who believes what Mum tells her/him & who is trying to understand why she got yelled at for something so logical as requesting food when she was hungry, assumes that

a) she's responsible for her mothers reaction; & b) shes selfish to boot. She incorporates that knowledge & toxic guilt accumulates.


.How I find that guilt works, is that it may not be obvious from just a few incidents, but its more that numerous yet seemingly benign experiences are what actually reinforce your feelings over the course of time.

For example, adult children of BPD parents may come to feel guilty or responsible for having a different perception of reality, copping criticism & accusations (Which I know personally this gets to me when I'm accused of something I know I haven't done or the feeling of not have having done a good enough job, be it from mothering, to how I might even hang my washing, also how I might or might not do things if they're different to the other person.. anything at all that I do basically. I also feel highly criticized from my Mother-in-law, I cannot do anything right no matter what I do).

So it's relentless disapproval by a parent & misplaced blame that can lead to feelings of guilt. If you're constantly hearing you've ruined something, acted inappropriately, that you shouldn't have done something (or should have done something & didn't), that "you always...," you're likely to begin to believe that you're responsible & that you let others down. You may even start to question some of the things you're accused of but somehow you forgot, so convincing is your parents belief is your guilt!

A big YES. 4 years ago I felt for the first time in my life as a parent, that I was no good, a bad Mum..I really doubted myself as a person & before that happened I always had a strong sense of myself .I knew I was doing a pretty good job at the hardest & most important job in the world, maybe not always perfect, but I never strived to be perfect because life is not. It's only now, after having gone to therapy & spending a great deal of time on, that I know this wasn't mine to own. I'm a good mum, I'm just a normal regular everyday mum who loves what she does. Women have enough to juggle without being judged on something that they are not, that is just unnecessary guilt we as women don't need. It's not helpful or useful, It's downright damaging & I know this first hand. Why don't we try to lift each-other up? After-all, We're all in the same boat.

* Finding yourself in no-win situations.
No matter what you do, you're wrong. For example, if you so defend yourself against an accusation, your parent may ask why you're "so defensive," or tell you to lighten up, or to stop being so sensitive. If you don't defend yourself , he may interpret your silence as an admission of guilt & validation of his perception. Either way, you lose.

*Denial & projection.
The borderline parent denies the effect of his behavior & blames you instead. For instance, a parent may make a cruel joke at your expense & when you don't laugh, say, "You don't appreciate my sense of humour. Why are you so serious about everything?" Or a parent, when confronted about her frustrating behavior might project & say something like, "So you think I'm difficult? If you weren't so self-absorbed, you'd see that you're the one who's difficult."

*Having a parent play the martyr card.
You may have heard, or hear, statements such as, "After all I've done for you...," "You don't know all the sacrifices I've made...," "If I had known how you'd end up treating me...," "No matter how horrible you are to me, I'll always love you."

*Withholding affection.
A parent may hold you responsible for a problem & deny affection, offer up the silent treatment or rage uncontrollably until you've confessed or apologized.



Forgiveness does not entail forgetting or denying your experiences, it doesn't mean minimizing or denying the hurt you feel, it means acknowledging the wrongdoing, accepting the associated feelings, & letting go of holding the transgressions against the person responsible. It includes giving up the expectations you held & the beliefs that things should have been different. But no, you don't forget when you forgive. You simply reduce the hold the hurt has over you.

Forgiveness is not excusing or condoning. By forgiving someone, you're not sending a message that the persons behavior was acceptable or that you approve of it. For less significant infractions, you may be able to excuse or condone some things. Forgiveness is the big gun, called into play when you have been deeply harmed in some way. It may seem ironic but it's those who have hurt you the most who may be the best candidates for your forgiveness.

Beliefs about forgiveness are usually messages we gleaned from Grandparents, a teacher, spiritual advisors, friends. But they may not be accurate...

*Forgive & forget
*Revenge is sweet
*Just let it go
*Forgiveness is for wimps, pushovers & codependants; I stick to my guns
*When you forgive you're letting the other person off the hook
*Forgiveness means I'll have to reconcile with the person, & there's no way I'm ready to do that
*Now's your chance. If you don't forgive, you'll regret it when they're gone.

And there are many others..

Reasons to forgive including freeing yourself from being defined by the transgression or your painful, hurt feelings. This in part is what makes forgiveness so difficult. It may seem if you forgive, you'll lose a part of yourself. In a way, you do. But it's a part that you may in fact be better off without since it harbours resentment, grudges, & ill will (sort of like an infected appendix that can burst & harm the rest of the body). Sure those feelings protect you from future hurt, but they also keep you tense & on guard, closed to others & new experiences.

It can also help you to find a sense of peace. With forgiveness you acknowledge that you too are fallible, imperfect, & do the wrong thing sometimes. Forgiveness releases you from the spell of your own negative feelings.
It helps you to get on with your life.

Your energy is no longer sapped by continued reactions to events to the past.


Are you ready to forgive?

It all sounds well & good but how do you know if you are ready? To determine whether or not you're ready to forgive a parent, assuming you decide it's something you want to try, consider the questions that follow. And remember there is no easy formula, these questions are just intended to prompt your exploration of the subject. Keep in mind that you don't have to forgive all at once - you can decide you'll forgive someone for certain things & not others, or that you'll forgive only one or two of the people who were involved in hurting or betraying you.

*Have you ever forgiven anyone in the past? What were the positive & negative consequences of your decision?

*Have you given yourself ample opportunity to acknowledge, feel, & express your hurt, anger, pain whether to yourself, a friend, or therapist?

*Have you forgiven yourself first?

*Is your parent or persons you want to forgive ready to accept any responsibility? (In reality, this may be one of the things you set out to forgive-the person's unwillingness or inability to take ownership

*How will forgiveness help you? How will you feel as a result?

*What's your gut level reaction to forgiveness?

*If you're not ready to forgive now, do you think you might be at some point?

There is no right way to forgive. Prayer, meditation, physical activity, sheer will, or writing (or any other creative form of expression) can help you get started. In addition, write a list of who you want to forgive & especially why, And remember that you can include yourself as well as groups, siblings anybody at all. As you begin to develop an attitude of forgiveness , consider if you want to do it silently or let others know. If you have trouble developing a forgiving attitude that's fine too. Hurt is a big part of who we all are & it may be difficult or impossible for you to forgive. It's better to acknowledge that you're not ready, even that you may never be than to fake it. You will only deny your own feelings that way, which is the last thing you want to do!!!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Chapter 3 Grieving a lost Childhood

Growing up, you may have suspected that something was wrong, that your family seemed different or unhealthy, but you may not have known what specifically was the cause. You had no way of knowing what the problem was or that it had nothing to with you..

Discoveries & Reactions

Adult children of parents with BPD may learn about BPD in a variety of ways. Some have learned about it in the course of their own therapy, often for issues related to relationships, where a counselor recognizes the symptoms. Others say, they notice it though college psychology classes. Upon learning you may feel an incredible sense of relief at finally understanding that you weren't the cause of the inconsistent perhaps abusive behavior. It's also good to know you aren't alone.

Other reactions include denial -"Oh, it wasn't that bad". You may find yourself thinking "But my Mother had such a traumatic childhood, she doesn't know any better". And that may be true. About three-fourths of those with BPD experienced some type of early trauma. Still, that doesn't condone the actions of a parent toward a child. Many people have difficult childhoods; many people don't get the unconditional love & support that children deserve. But many still go on to be healthy, loving parents. More importantly, the possible reasons behind your parent's emotional difficulties don't negate or minimize the truth of your own experience.

Hope for change

Upon learning about BPD you may be overwhelmed with a multitude of emotions. Happiness, relief, sadness, anger, grief & confusion. Those emotions are healthy & understandable & they will help you to move forward.
It's like putting on a new pair of rollerskates, each day you wobble less and after a while, you hardly fall at all..soon your skating backwards & doing figure 8's. You've learned a new way.

The need to Grieve

There are numerous losses associated with learning that someone as important to you as a parent struggles with mental and emotional challenges. Grief is a normal & natural response to loss, such as the death of a loved one. It is also possible to grieve in response to a figurative death, such as the loss of a relationship or the loss of hopes & expectations you had for a relationship.
You grieve for what you never had or what may have only been periodically.

Dealing with Grief

When it comes to dealing with grief, there's no magic formula. Everybody grieves differently, for varying periods of time. You may go for months or years thinking you've dealt with your feelings, only to be reminded by a memory, a photograph, something someone says to you, that you're not quite done yet. I know that I'll never have a real mother & the one I did have, shes gone too. As you continue to read & work through grief, it's important to have someone to work with - a therapist or a trusted, insightful friend - or the very least a journal you contribute to often.

Acceptance: Coming to terms with BPD

It may sound overly simplistic or obvious, but in order to move beyond suffering in any area of your life, you must accept the situation as it is, whether you like it or not, think it's fair or not, whether you have the power to change the circumstances or not. Acceptance doesn't mean you approve; it doesn't mean you're happy about something, it doesn't mean you won't work to change the situation or your response to it, but it does mean that you acknowledge reality as it is - with all it's sadness, humor, irony & gifts - at a particular point in time.

Facing the stigma

Coming to terms with the realization that a parent may have had BDP means facing the stigma of mental illness - not a pretty topic by society's standards. In fact it's one that's often the butt of jokes, the subject of gossip, or simply ignored because it makes people uncomfortable.

What about me?

Many adult children wonder whether they might have the disorder as well. Chances are good that if you're even asking the question, you don't, since those with the disorder often find it very difficult to take ownership of their thoughts, feelings & actions.

Telling your truth to family & friends

Part of accepting the reality of your parent's shortcomings & your own circumstances is communicating your history & feelings to those close to you. As you find out about this illness & it's impact on you, it's only natural to want to confide in others. At the same time, you should be aware that others may resist hearing what you have to say & may make invalidating comments. In an ideal world, we would all get enthusiastic validation from others when we disclose personal information, but unfortunately it's not an ideal world. And because you grew up not having your feelings & perceptions acknowledged & mirrored, you may be especially sensitive to invalidation from others around you.


Have you ever confided in a friend about a touchy family situation or your suspicion that your parent had BPD, only to hear "Oh I am sure it wasn't that bad" or, "But your father/mother is so nice, he/she probably didn't mean it the way you think"?
It can be maddening, saddening, frustrating & terribly disappointing to have your feelings & perceptions dismissed by someone you thought understood you, who you trusted enough to confide in. But the other persons reaction doesn't negate your perceptions. Because someone doesn't agree with you or understand what you're conveying doesn't mean you're wrong.
Consider some of the reasons why a person might make invalidating comments. They include society's beliefs & myths about family & kinship.

*Blood is thicker than water
*Honor thy parents
*Love conquers all
*Keep the peace
*Don't air dirty laundry
*What will the neighbors think?

Because many consider discussions of "what goes on behind closed doors" to be off-limits in social settings, some people just may be uncomfortable talking about family dysfunction & highly emotional issues. They therefore may not have much experience and may not really know how to be a good listener or how to validate what someone else says. They may truly be intending to help, provide feedback, or offer solutions, even though you may not perceive it that way.

Everybody has issues to come to terms with. You never really know as you tell someone else your story what thoughts, emotions, and painful memories it's raising for them. Even if others don't tell you - and they many not realize themselves - your words may hit a little too close to home.
Their reactions may in fact have very little to do with your disclosures and more with their own insecurities, fears & projections.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Madonna - Mer Girl

Introduction -My own personal answers to this book are marked in red.

Chapter 1

I Never Knew It Had A Name

In her book, Understanding the Borderline Mother, author Christine Ann Lawson (2000) uses fairytale personalities - the waif, the queen, the hermit. the witch - to describe borderline traits. Sometimes people with BDP can over lap each category. Also, another thing to keep in mind is that different people within your family may have been exposed to different traits .


I've read these & definitely can identify her to fit 2 of the said personalities. The Queen & the Witch.

**The Queen feels empty yet entitled. She yearns for material wealth, beauty, attention & loyalty. Queen parents may compete with a child for attention, feel jealous of their childs achievements or attributes and act in selfish & domineering ways. When others comment on or challenge the queens beliefs or behaviour, she may paint them as the enemy.
Characteristics of a Queen parent include expecting his or her children to see things the same way & to be loyal;dramatic or histronic behavior; & a tendancy toward exaggeration. The Queen has a hard time respecting others boundaries & preferences. Despite her needs, she may come across as strong & independant.

Messages children of Queen parents may receive include: You must love me; I resent you when you need something from me.

**The Witch feels white-hot rage. Few borderline parent consistently exhibit witch-like behavior. Rather, the witch seems to emerge from the waif, the queen, or hermit when triggered by perceived rejection or her own self-hatred. Witches may use shame & embarrassment of their children as parenting tools.
Witch parents can be domineering & vindictive;they may seem to repeatedly be at the center of conflict when it arises. They may have a hard time respecting others boundaries & may ruin a childs cherished possesion, give away or euthanize a childs pet/s, or withhold affection or care. They may be physically abusive as well.

Witch parents send the following messages: Boy, you will regret that; you asked for it.

She has done all of these things, from giving away cherished posessions & sometimes it will be right in front of you & you're NOT even expecting it let alone been asked "Do you want that? Can so & so get some use of it?" & sometimes the other person will even ring your house looking for whatever it is that she has given them.

She withholds affection & care & she also had my sisters pet put to sleep which she'd bought her for her birthday.Years later when my sister had her own place, she wanted to take the pet, Mum thought she knew best & had her euthanaised instead. She also did the same thing with her husbands family dog.

They were about to go travelling after selling the house but instead of getting the pets re-homed (my sister offered to take both & on more than one occasion too), Instead, Mum made that her own choice on her own to kill other peoples pets. Straight out "No you're not having them".

Adult children share a host of common experiences which will be examined in chapter 2. One of the most difficult things can be the lack of validation of your childhood pain. People with BPD don't always appear "crazy". Many are quite high-functioning, appearing perfectly healthy to the outside world. This can make children doubt their own judgement, and it can undermine the sense of self-worth. Children see their parent acting in normal ways with some people & then cruelly at home, & they come to believe they're the cause of their parent's negative and or inconsistent behavior.

Chapter 2 - All Grown Up.

I love this book..In this chapter it covers some of the conditions children with a parent with BPD may live with & the common effects that that has had on adult children.
It also talks about positive childhood experiences you may have had, the effect of adult role models & the development of inner resilience & resources

1. Chaos-In the interviews conducted, Adult children tell of growing up in a confusing & unpredictable world. They rarely knew what to expect, whether they'd be praised or berated, hugged or brushed off, smothered or neglected.

2. Abuse & Neglect- I'd describe my parent to be unavailable. The lights were on but there was no one home. We were always well dressed, fed & the house was tidy and probably clean, at least seemed to be. Emotionally neglected and later on, physically neglected.

3. Boundary Violations- My Mother used to treat me more like a friend than a daughter, sharing details of her sex life & an extra-marital affair was in our face. Later on when he moved in, I'd feel I'd have to keep things secret from my dad, who had moved out. I'd have to lie to my Dad.

4. Invalidation- Your feelings always get downplayed or ignored or you're told that your perception is wrong.

5. Role Reversals- I was the caretaker for my Mum, younger siblings & myself. Enough said.

6. Looks are everything- She never had any money but her own little brother used to bail her out with money and or cars he'd do up for her. I think he also feels responsible for her. Or she'd inherit money and then spend it on the most dumbest of things. She's got enough jewellery for 3 or 4 women & still buys more.

7. Keen Perception- She thinks everybody is setting up Booby traps for her

8.Transference- She often transfers feelings onto others to avoid accepting them as her own & then those people end up owing that for themselves. ie: ME. i do that, i own other peoples shit when I don't need to. This I have worked on and has improved dramatically.

9. Insecure Attachment- Insecure parental attachment patterns lead to children second-guessing themselves.

10. Blind Acceptance - Basically just accepting what happened when you grew up to be that of a normal thing..when really it's not..just all you know.

Another interesting thing is because of their cognitive distortions, parents with BPD see themselves differently than they actually are. They may see themselves as caring & nurturing when they have been indifferent or cruel. They may see themselves as the perfect parent, homemaker or provider. They may not have an inkling as to how their actual behavior is affecting those around them - or how confusing & chaotic those distortions are for their children. This is very much her.

The Effects: Escape from Reality.

As a result of the unpredictability, children of parents with BPD often find a physical or psychic place to retreat - their bedrooms, a closet, or rich imaginary worlds they create. Adult children report missing chunks of memory; they look back & wonder what they did with their time. They may (& may continue) to dissociate, or zone out, for periods of time ranging from a few seconds to even hours. This I know is true, and another interesting thing is the parts of my childhood that I spent at home are mostly blank. I remember being at other places with other people. At home hardly registers.

'Today she is more mindful of where she is and what shes doing, not living in as much in her head as she used to'. That's me.


Six seeds to grow a healthy child ♥

children need to know a parent or a caretaker is behind them, cheering them on emotionally & believing in their ability to succeed . Children should not be expected to provide similar support to parents or be treated as equal, as an adult,or their parents closest ally or friend.

Respect & Acceptance
Children need to know that they have worth & that they have the right to physical, mental & emotional space in the universe & that they can expect that space to be safe, acknowledged & not tread upon.

Children need a sense of agency, of autonomy that instills confidence that they'll be heard & therefore that they have some level of control over their environment.Parents who foster agency, voice, in children value their opinions and needs and are able to demonstrate empathy with children's feelings. They validate;they enter the child's world, rather than expecting the child to enter theirs.

Unconditional Love & Affection
Children need to know they're loved & will be cared for regardless of who they are, what they do, how they behave, dress, what their physical appearance and mental abilities are, or how much other like or love them. They also need affection, including being hugged & held & told they're loved

One of the most important seeds for a child is consistency. Children who are parented with consistency learn confidence & security; they feel safe in knowing there is some order in their world, that commitments are kept & rules followed.

Children need to feel safe & secure that they will be provided for in terms of food, clothing, shelter, emotional support, & love. Children develop their sense of security as a result of consistency.

Mentors & Role Models can play a large role in helping children to develop coping skills & resiliency by modelling healthy behavior , providing insights into a parent's emotional challenges or simply removing a child periodically from a dysfunctional home.

which now = to.. I am proud of myself for my resilience. I possess talent, intuition & knowledge & that got me to where I am today, the 24th of January 2011. I know it's also easy for me to criticize myself for my perceived deficiencies & my weaknesses but It's important that i recognize my strengths & my ability to overcome challenging circumstances.

A really interesting book I've just started reading which was from the recommended books list, listed in the back of the 'Borderline Personality Disorder' book that I just ordered & read. I also think I will be buying this one. I'm going to put a lot of it in here because I think this is a big answer to the problem. Again, I feel like I have helped to write this book, at least what I have read so far, the same as the first book that I've finished reading. Scary stuff but also a huge relief and a weight off my shoulders.

Introduction -My own personal answers to this book are marked in red.

As a child, did you feel like you fell short, because you weren't good enough, didn't do enough, or just weren't able to please, no matter how hard you tried? yes

Did you feel responsible for your parent's happiness & guilty if you felt happy yourself? yes

Were you accused of things you hadn't done? yes

Did you feel damned if you do & damned if you didn't, that whatever you did or said was the wrong thing (& boy would you pay for it)?yes
Did you feel manipulated at times? yes

Feel appreciated one minute & attacked the next? yes

Thought you must be crazy because a parents actions or reactions didn't make any sense? Questioned your own intuition, judgement or memory believing you must have missed or misinterpreted something? yes

Did you feel on guard all the time, that life with your parent was never predictable? YES!

*You weren't crazy, not then, not now although it may still feel that way.
What felt crazy-making to you may well have been being parented by someone who had traits of borderline personality disorder.
Though relatively common, BPD is often overlooked or misdiagnosed by therapists & clinicians & denied by those who suffer from it. It's a confusing, complex disorder that's extremely difficult for all involved: for the person with BPD, for the clinicians trying to understand & help their client, & perhaps most of all, for the children who have to endure it's unpredictable effects.

No one chooses their parents, & as young children, once you're brought into this world, you're not in a position to opt out of your relationship with them. In fact, you desperately need them - to provide food & shelter, to prompt you to learn, to model ways to interact with society, to nurture you to show affection, & to provide unconditional love.

A parent with BPD, however may not have been able to consistently provide all of these things to you, through no fault or deficit of yours. They may not have received that kind of care themselves. It may seem ironic, but your parent may actually have consciously or unconsciously reinforced YOU as the caretaker to meet his or her needs, to be the nurturer & provider of emotional support, even though you were a young child. YES!. So hang on, in hindsight, has she done me a huge favour? Maybe so....

Personal Style Inventory

My last session a few days before Christmas we talked about what sort of personality I may be and I brought home with me a copy of the Personal Style Inventory. I took it back this week & found I am a...

ISFJ! Not sure what that abbreviation itself means just yet, but shes given me a copy to read up on & I have to admit I was pretty blown away by what it says, this is for me, spot on. She said that I am a 'Judge' which, yep stands to reason. Sometimes it's a good thing, other times it's not. My next appointment will be following up on this. I'm really looking forward to this & will be another piece of the puzzle.


I am a particularly dependable personality who is sympathetic, tactful, kind & genuinely concerned & supportive to people - particularly people in need. I am often attracted to fields where attention to detail is combined with a care for people.

My most preferred function is introverted sensation, which makes me very good with facts & details & leads to the enjoyment of the present. My second best developed function - the way I deal with the outside world - is extraverted feeling which leads me to being a generally friendly, tactful & agreeable person. In order to have developed my sensate & feeling functions, I have had to neglect my intuition & thinking functions. This leads me to a distrust of those with a highly developed intuitive thinking preference.

I tend to be a steady person, valuing belonging, thriving on socail stability & paying attention to detail. I carry a sense of history & tend to be somewhat old fashioned at times. I am the least pleasure-loving of all types & believe work is good & play must be earned. I use the old established ways of doing things & value doing them well.

I prefer to do things by the book.

In fulfilling my desire to serve, I may become overworked. I tend to repress my own needs in order to look after another. This tendancy can lead to migraine headaches & other stress related illness .

I tend to be devoted & loyal to a boss. I identify with people rather than with institutions. I often feel personally responsible for seeing to it that people in an institution or business carry out established rules & routines. I am overaware of status given by titles, offices & the values of society. I am aware of the value of material resources & do not like to see waste or misuse. To save or put something aside against an unpredictable future is very important to me.

I am devoted to my partner & family & am usually excellent as a homemaker. My home is most often kept well - both inside & out. As a parent, I expect children to conform to the rules of society. I have a feeling of personal responsibility to see to it that these rules are honoured. While I seem to be super dependable, I may also be fascinated by & attracted to the irresponsible, the drunk & the glutton. Many of my types marry people in need, initially this seems acceptable, only I find that I then proceed to conduct a rescue/rejection game without end. In consequence, I suffer greatly & unnecessarily. This & the worry over anticipated problems are dangers I should look out for. I also tend to be impatient with complications & have trouble responding to change.

I am frequently misunderstood & undervalued, as my contributions are often taken for granted. Despite, this however, the dependable, patient & invariable stability I offer, makes me highly valued in the workplace & the home.

I, along with the extravert of my type, are the feeling backbone of our society.

Wow hey?! Very Interesting stuff..
So I've had a bit of a break from blogging but need to pick it back up before I lose it, which is pretty easy to do.

Lots happened in the last 4 weeks. Meeting mums new boyfriend was one of them, and I have to say, hubs & I were both pleasantly surprised.

Things seem to be on a whole new level with him around, very blown away but he's pretty much on the same page as we both are, and of course it's early days but shes not going to be able to get away with a real lot as long as he is in the picture. And things are appearing pretty serious..

My psychologist was very happy with the way the turnaround in recent events have left me in a much more positive light. This is the first time in my adult life too that mum is actually holding her mouth, and it's very apparent now that I am parent & she's the child. I almost feel sorry for her. She's truly got no idea on life at all. So we're thinking this boyfriend of hers, is going to be a good influence. For now, things are looking up.

I also know compared to this time last year, it has been a huge turnaround for me, mentally & emotionally & just within myself in general. I felt like there was a part of me that was actually going a little bit crazy & then I also knew that there was 'me' underneath all this stuff (the real me), but somehow (as you do) was still able to keep it things running fairly normal.
You still have to run a house and do all of the regular things, life just doesn't stop for you because there is a 'problem'.

I also know it was just a build up of stress & everything I've dealt with this year, underneath the surface just ready to boil over. And it often did. I also found myself doing or saying nasty things, and I never liked what I was 'seeing' often later on when I was on my own and had time to process things & think. And I knew that I wanted me back, time to get rid of all the junk.

Another thing that has been on my mind lately is, what am I going to do with this blog when I'm finished? I know you can get them printed up into a book but I'm not sure I'd really want to read it, but then again I probably would at some point. I've also wondered and it's because our eldest 2 are growing up, will they ever know the truth about me, their mum? Do they need to know details? Am I one day going to be just another 'book' on the shelf in 100 years time where my Grandchildren & Great-Grandchildren knew nothing much about me just hearsay from whoever is around or asked. And just how much do you want them to know?

I'm still not sure but guess in time that is something I will have to figure out. I've thought what is the benefit of them knowing but I also know this is my truth and the truth is an important thing to me, I'd almost feel like I am lying to them.

But that's another day, another chapter I'm not near yet.

Monday, January 10, 2011

It's been really nice to come across books & toys I've got here in the house from when I was a little girl & funnily enough all that I have kept are mostly things given to me from my grandparents. I do have a couple of things my Mum & Dad gave me (when they were just my Mum & Dad & everybody was happy), but these things, they're not actually 'mine' but from ebay as I no longer had my own & wanted them for my own daughter because they were some of my favorite things when I was her age.

The things I do have, I remember going with Grandma to markets & to fetes at local schools and her & me standing there looking at all the dolls & her saying to pick whatever it was that i wanted. They're probably ugly to some people but to me they're some of the nicest things I have ♥

It's funny how the puzzle is all fitting now, not only in the last few months but in my normal everyday life, and when I'm not thinking about things & when I come across these 'treasures' that I loved. Seeing them again has felt like seeing them again for the first time, well i am seeing them again for the first time through my own eyes that are now very different than what they were before.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Madonna - Words - On Screen Lyrics

Happy New Year !! 2011

I'm happy it's the New Year, a new start.

It's a satisfying feeling when you notice that things are different and you've not really done or tried anything different lately, they're just happening on their own & then as a result, you're able to see much clearer. Without a doubt it's also been the result of the past 9 months. Time & money well spent & I recommend it to anybody.

People who say therapy is 'hogwash' have obviously never gotten anything from it 0r maybe even been to anybody.. to see that it's something really valuable that they can actually do for themselves. It seems to have this stigma attached that this sort of thing is a 'weakness' and not to be talked about, almost an embarrassing thing,which is really quite sad.

For example, depression .. even any sort of 'invisible' illness that so many of us suffer from, we just sweep it under the rug but meanwhile, our families are having to deal with 'us' at the same time. So we don't really notice anything, but they do. And it's not pretty.

And sometimes it's just 'stuff' that seems to be handed down through generation to generation & they're things that have been put into the too hard basket when the truth is, it's harder to live that in the end than it is to try to solve them. It's just knowing how to and where to go & committing yourself and giving it and you, time.

What is worse, to say out loud that you need some help or to keep living a life of inner turmoil? I know what I'd rather, & I also know that it's nothing to be ashamed of & I think that if my journey & experiences can help just one other person out there then all the pain has been worth it.
And it's nice to be able to do that in a healthy manner and not be destructive to my inner self, who actually does matter. I'm glad I've afforded myself this time & to be who & where I am now I had to go through this process, & will probably still be on it in some way or another, for the rest of my life.

One thing is that I know I've not really been kind to myself (near enough) I'm pretty hard on myself & it's now that I've changed that way of thinking. I'd never 'talk' to anybody else the way I tell myself things, so what's the difference? Nothing.

Another thing I've been doing is still 'purging'

Firstly just simply observing each situation, & sometimes not liking what I'm seeing/remembering but instead being able to stop what I am doing, physically go write them down, read it & then they've been acknowledged (by me) & then I have been just 'burning' it.
So forgive me while I purge some more. Some of it I may have already in blog posts gone, there's that much I can't remember anymore without trawling back.. all I know is that it surfaces and I'm releasing & some of it I will be able to forget & other things I'll never forget but I can move on from.

There's heaps more but I think this is enough, the rest is going in the bin where it belongs.

*Edited 5th Jan: binned*