Chapter 1
I Never Knew It Had A Name
In her book, Understanding the Borderline Mother, author Christine Ann Lawson (2000) uses fairytale personalities - the waif, the queen, the hermit. the witch - to describe borderline traits. Sometimes people with BDP can over lap each category. Also, another thing to keep in mind is that different people within your family may have been exposed to different traits .
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I've read these & definitely can identify her to fit 2 of the said personalities. The Queen & the Witch.
**The Queen feels empty yet entitled. She yearns for material wealth, beauty, attention & loyalty. Queen parents may compete with a child for attention, feel jealous of their childs achievements or attributes and act in selfish & domineering ways. When others comment on or challenge the queens beliefs or behaviour, she may paint them as the enemy.
Characteristics of a Queen parent include expecting his or her children to see things the same way & to be loyal;dramatic or histronic behavior; & a tendancy toward exaggeration. The Queen has a hard time respecting others boundaries & preferences. Despite her needs, she may come across as strong & independant.
Messages children of Queen parents may receive include: You must love me; I resent you when you need something from me.
**The Witch feels white-hot rage. Few borderline parent consistently exhibit witch-like behavior. Rather, the witch seems to emerge from the waif, the queen, or hermit when triggered by perceived rejection or her own self-hatred. Witches may use shame & embarrassment of their children as parenting tools.
Witch parents can be domineering & vindictive;they may seem to repeatedly be at the center of conflict when it arises. They may have a hard time respecting others boundaries & may ruin a childs cherished possesion, give away or euthanize a childs pet/s, or withhold affection or care. They may be physically abusive as well.
Witch parents send the following messages: Boy, you will regret that; you asked for it.
She has done all of these things, from giving away cherished posessions & sometimes it will be right in front of you & you're NOT even expecting it let alone been asked "Do you want that? Can so & so get some use of it?" & sometimes the other person will even ring your house looking for whatever it is that she has given them.
She withholds affection & care & she also had my sisters pet put to sleep which she'd bought her for her birthday.Years later when my sister had her own place, she wanted to take the pet, Mum thought she knew best & had her euthanaised instead. She also did the same thing with her husbands family dog.
They were about to go travelling after selling the house but instead of getting the pets re-homed (my sister offered to take both & on more than one occasion too), Instead, Mum made that her own choice on her own to kill other peoples pets. Straight out "No you're not having them".
Adult children share a host of common experiences which will be examined in chapter 2. One of the most difficult things can be the lack of validation of your childhood pain. People with BPD don't always appear "crazy". Many are quite high-functioning, appearing perfectly healthy to the outside world. This can make children doubt their own judgement, and it can undermine the sense of self-worth. Children see their parent acting in normal ways with some people & then cruelly at home, & they come to believe they're the cause of their parent's negative and or inconsistent behavior.
Chapter 2 - All Grown Up.
I love this book..In this chapter it covers some of the conditions children with a parent with BPD may live with & the common effects that that has had on adult children.
It also talks about positive childhood experiences you may have had, the effect of adult role models & the development of inner resilience & resources
1. Chaos-In the interviews conducted, Adult children tell of growing up in a confusing & unpredictable world. They rarely knew what to expect, whether they'd be praised or berated, hugged or brushed off, smothered or neglected.
2. Abuse & Neglect- I'd describe my parent to be unavailable. The lights were on but there was no one home. We were always well dressed, fed & the house was tidy and probably clean, at least seemed to be. Emotionally neglected and later on, physically neglected.
3. Boundary Violations- My Mother used to treat me more like a friend than a daughter, sharing details of her sex life & an extra-marital affair was in our face. Later on when he moved in, I'd feel I'd have to keep things secret from my dad, who had moved out. I'd have to lie to my Dad.
4. Invalidation- Your feelings always get downplayed or ignored or you're told that your perception is wrong.
5. Role Reversals- I was the caretaker for my Mum, younger siblings & myself. Enough said.
6. Looks are everything- She never had any money but her own little brother used to bail her out with money and or cars he'd do up for her. I think he also feels responsible for her. Or she'd inherit money and then spend it on the most dumbest of things. She's got enough jewellery for 3 or 4 women & still buys more.
7. Keen Perception- She thinks everybody is setting up Booby traps for her
8.Transference- She often transfers feelings onto others to avoid accepting them as her own & then those people end up owing that for themselves. ie: ME. i do that, i own other peoples shit when I don't need to. This I have worked on and has improved dramatically.
9. Insecure Attachment- Insecure parental attachment patterns lead to children second-guessing themselves.
10. Blind Acceptance - Basically just accepting what happened when you grew up to be that of a normal thing..when really it's not..just all you know.
Another interesting thing is because of their cognitive distortions, parents with BPD see themselves differently than they actually are. They may see themselves as caring & nurturing when they have been indifferent or cruel. They may see themselves as the perfect parent, homemaker or provider. They may not have an inkling as to how their actual behavior is affecting those around them - or how confusing & chaotic those distortions are for their children. This is very much her.
The Effects: Escape from Reality.
As a result of the unpredictability, children of parents with BPD often find a physical or psychic place to retreat - their bedrooms, a closet, or rich imaginary worlds they create. Adult children report missing chunks of memory; they look back & wonder what they did with their time. They may (& may continue) to dissociate, or zone out, for periods of time ranging from a few seconds to even hours. This I know is true, and another interesting thing is the parts of my childhood that I spent at home are mostly blank. I remember being at other places with other people. At home hardly registers.
'Today she is more mindful of where she is and what shes doing, not living in as much in her head as she used to'. That's me.
It also talks about positive childhood experiences you may have had, the effect of adult role models & the development of inner resilience & resources
1. Chaos-In the interviews conducted, Adult children tell of growing up in a confusing & unpredictable world. They rarely knew what to expect, whether they'd be praised or berated, hugged or brushed off, smothered or neglected.
2. Abuse & Neglect- I'd describe my parent to be unavailable. The lights were on but there was no one home. We were always well dressed, fed & the house was tidy and probably clean, at least seemed to be. Emotionally neglected and later on, physically neglected.
3. Boundary Violations- My Mother used to treat me more like a friend than a daughter, sharing details of her sex life & an extra-marital affair was in our face. Later on when he moved in, I'd feel I'd have to keep things secret from my dad, who had moved out. I'd have to lie to my Dad.
4. Invalidation- Your feelings always get downplayed or ignored or you're told that your perception is wrong.
5. Role Reversals- I was the caretaker for my Mum, younger siblings & myself. Enough said.
6. Looks are everything- She never had any money but her own little brother used to bail her out with money and or cars he'd do up for her. I think he also feels responsible for her. Or she'd inherit money and then spend it on the most dumbest of things. She's got enough jewellery for 3 or 4 women & still buys more.
7. Keen Perception- She thinks everybody is setting up Booby traps for her
8.Transference- She often transfers feelings onto others to avoid accepting them as her own & then those people end up owing that for themselves. ie: ME. i do that, i own other peoples shit when I don't need to. This I have worked on and has improved dramatically.
9. Insecure Attachment- Insecure parental attachment patterns lead to children second-guessing themselves.
10. Blind Acceptance - Basically just accepting what happened when you grew up to be that of a normal thing..when really it's not..just all you know.
Another interesting thing is because of their cognitive distortions, parents with BPD see themselves differently than they actually are. They may see themselves as caring & nurturing when they have been indifferent or cruel. They may see themselves as the perfect parent, homemaker or provider. They may not have an inkling as to how their actual behavior is affecting those around them - or how confusing & chaotic those distortions are for their children. This is very much her.
The Effects: Escape from Reality.
As a result of the unpredictability, children of parents with BPD often find a physical or psychic place to retreat - their bedrooms, a closet, or rich imaginary worlds they create. Adult children report missing chunks of memory; they look back & wonder what they did with their time. They may (& may continue) to dissociate, or zone out, for periods of time ranging from a few seconds to even hours. This I know is true, and another interesting thing is the parts of my childhood that I spent at home are mostly blank. I remember being at other places with other people. At home hardly registers.
'Today she is more mindful of where she is and what shes doing, not living in as much in her head as she used to'. That's me.
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Six seeds to grow a healthy child ♥
Support
children need to know a parent or a caretaker is behind them, cheering them on emotionally & believing in their ability to succeed . Children should not be expected to provide similar support to parents or be treated as equal, as an adult,or their parents closest ally or friend.
Respect & Acceptance
Children need to know that they have worth & that they have the right to physical, mental & emotional space in the universe & that they can expect that space to be safe, acknowledged & not tread upon.
Voice
Children need a sense of agency, of autonomy that instills confidence that they'll be heard & therefore that they have some level of control over their environment.Parents who foster agency, voice, in children value their opinions and needs and are able to demonstrate empathy with children's feelings. They validate;they enter the child's world, rather than expecting the child to enter theirs.
Unconditional Love & Affection
Children need to know they're loved & will be cared for regardless of who they are, what they do, how they behave, dress, what their physical appearance and mental abilities are, or how much other like or love them. They also need affection, including being hugged & held & told they're loved
Consistency
One of the most important seeds for a child is consistency. Children who are parented with consistency learn confidence & security; they feel safe in knowing there is some order in their world, that commitments are kept & rules followed.
Security
Children need to feel safe & secure that they will be provided for in terms of food, clothing, shelter, emotional support, & love. Children develop their sense of security as a result of consistency.
Support
children need to know a parent or a caretaker is behind them, cheering them on emotionally & believing in their ability to succeed . Children should not be expected to provide similar support to parents or be treated as equal, as an adult,or their parents closest ally or friend.
Respect & Acceptance
Children need to know that they have worth & that they have the right to physical, mental & emotional space in the universe & that they can expect that space to be safe, acknowledged & not tread upon.
Voice
Children need a sense of agency, of autonomy that instills confidence that they'll be heard & therefore that they have some level of control over their environment.Parents who foster agency, voice, in children value their opinions and needs and are able to demonstrate empathy with children's feelings. They validate;they enter the child's world, rather than expecting the child to enter theirs.
Unconditional Love & Affection
Children need to know they're loved & will be cared for regardless of who they are, what they do, how they behave, dress, what their physical appearance and mental abilities are, or how much other like or love them. They also need affection, including being hugged & held & told they're loved
Consistency
One of the most important seeds for a child is consistency. Children who are parented with consistency learn confidence & security; they feel safe in knowing there is some order in their world, that commitments are kept & rules followed.
Security
Children need to feel safe & secure that they will be provided for in terms of food, clothing, shelter, emotional support, & love. Children develop their sense of security as a result of consistency.
Mentors & Role Models can play a large role in helping children to develop coping skills & resiliency by modelling healthy behavior , providing insights into a parent's emotional challenges or simply removing a child periodically from a dysfunctional home.
which now = to.. I am proud of myself for my resilience. I possess talent, intuition & knowledge & that got me to where I am today, the 24th of January 2011. I know it's also easy for me to criticize myself for my perceived deficiencies & my weaknesses but It's important that i recognize my strengths & my ability to overcome challenging circumstances.
♥
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