Monday, October 25, 2010

..Isn't it frustrating when you do a huge post & then you somehow accidentally delete it?
( :/ )

I might come back later when I can *think* about what it was that I said in my opening post BEFORE I had copied some of the information from this sheet of paper, which is sitting beside me...**sigh**

*closes laptop & gets up muttering to self*........

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I'm not saying that my NM definitely has BPD but all the information so far does make it seem highly likely, & if my Dr has said she thinks/feels there is more to her 'bad behaviour' than meets the eye, then I am very happy to trust her with that.

Not only has she given me the ability to put my life back , she's made a lot of things now look perfectly clear.

Not to mention the information regarding BPD that she has given me already, I also have researched this as well & to ignore this would be foolish.

One incident recently (that I know of) is that my mother  hands out sleeping pills to anybody who wants them..then has to go back to her own GP to get more prescription. Hopefully there are no other medications that she is giving away she's got a lot. I know she self administers dosages of medicines with her own grand-kids when she sees fit because she did a' pharmacy course' way back before our eldest son was even born.

So according to her she's qualified you see...'and you ignore the dosage amounts on bottles you always take a bit more'. She lives by no boundaries, no rules & no reason to do the right's her way or the highway.

*Looks out towards the highway*

An extract I found which was very similar to myself.. edited to fit my own situations.

Remember this is partly not mine. I am only relating!!!!....Please read along..

When I was a teenager, she was very inappropriate socially– flirting by batting her eye lashes, making her eyes really big, wearing tight jeans & high heels while strutting , and laughing this loud, haughty laugh. She also would engage in inappropriate conversation with my friends regarding sex. She would talk to me about sex (in a friend to friend way, not mother to daughter way).
By the time I was a young adult, I found myself making excuses for her to company- or I would be so embarrassed that I would leave the room. One time we were out with a large group of people She started talking about when my period started and its complications. I could tell how appalled some of the people were– and I wanted SO MUCH to crawl up underneath that table.

BACK again. It is scary how many people out there all seem to do similar things..but why is it my mum??

Throughout my life she has had groups of friends and then dumped them, replacing them with entire new group of friends. At this point in her life, she doesn’t have any long term friends to speak of. The friends that are dumped probably wonder what the hell happened. My NM also seems to weasel her way back into the estranged friend’s life at serious times. She relishes drama and being on a crusade.
When she’s in a social setting, she feels as if she has to fill in the gaps and entertain, so many times she rambles about things that are inappropriate, laughs an obvious fake laugh, and thinks that she’s making people feel comfortable. In reality, she is making people uncomfortable with the constant chatter and the questionable topics. Sometimes she’ll divulge private information about family members — even when they’re right there. Many times I remember feeling my blood pressure rise when hearing her speak about my private life or private issues. If you say anything to her she turns the table on you and says that you are being ridiculous and shouldn’t be so sensitive.
My NM definitely doesn’t have a filter for what she says, but she also doesn’t have a filter for how she reacts. She flies off the handle, changing from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde instantly when she feels threatened, if you don’t agree with her, or if the topic is my Dad. And the fall out from the Mr. Hyde can last for months– with her viewpoint of what happened morphing further and further from reality. During these episodes, she’ll tell stories that become more and more deranged. She’ll try to get as many people on her side as possible, telling all sorts of lies, exaggerations, and misleading statements.

My NM lives and breathes the situation to the point that she believes her own lies. I think the only way she can live with herself after the dust settles is for her to believe her own lies. Her husband is so intimidated by her that he doesn’t help to keep her head in reality. He won’t contradict her as he doesn’t want to feel her wrath, so he goes along with her rants and twisted accounts. His complacency and seeming agreement with her only reinforces her belief that she is right– that her bizarre reality is correct.
She hasn’t connected the dots that she has cut off all family members , and that she is alone by her own doing. She hasn’t connected the dots that she has been married three times, one marriage failing because she cheated on her husband. She hasn’t connected the dots that she is taking massive amounts of anti-depressants for depression but has manic spells characterized by unlimited spending and eating, as well as bouts of not living in reality– and that she has stated that her son is schizophrenic but doesn’t recognize anything untoward in herself. Our brother is not, he is just very emotionally damaged. He was 4 years old when this started.
Basically, she is not in tune with her own emotions due to a low EI.

An extract of BPD

Someone with a personality disorder is usually a person experiencing chronic inner distress (for example fear of abandonment), which causes self-sabotaging behavior (such as seeking others who fear abandonment), which causes significant problems (such as rage at any perceived hint of abandonment) — in their work lives and/or their personal lives. They may function quite well in one setting, but experience chaos and repeated problems in others. They look no different from anyone else, and often present as very attractive and intelligent people. However, it is usually after you spend some time together — or observe them in a crisis — that the underlying distress reaches the surface.
As interpersonal distress, fear of abandonment, and an excessive need for control are predominant symptoms of personality disorders, they place a tremendous burden on a marriage. Therefore, intense conflicts will eventually arise in their marriages and the divorce process will also be a very conflictual process. In contrast to people who are simply distressed from going through a divorce (over 80% are recovering significantly after 2 years), people with personality disorders grew up very distressed. It is the long duration of their dysfunction (since adolescence or early adulthood) which meets the criteria of a personality disorder.
Usually they developed their personality style as a way of coping with childhood abuse, neglect or abandonment, an emotionally lacking household, or simply their biological predisposition. While this personality style may have been an effective adaptation in their “family of origin,” in adulthood it is counter-productive. The person remains stuck repeating a narrow range of interpersonal behaviors to attempt to avoid this distress.
A personality disorder does not usually go away except in a corrective on-going relationship — such as several years in a counseling relationship. Until then, the person may constantly seek a corrective experience through a series of unsatisfying relationships, through their children, or through the court process. In a sense, untreated personality disorders don’t fade away — they just change venue.
Last night after the kids went to bed I went back & read my entire blog from the start up till now..listened to the songs with earphones on.. it's really interesting to see things from this side now.

I can see I had an inkling on some situations, before my appointments & that's a really interesting thing to me. And some situations, clearly none.

I also notice the past few posts where my mind was in a mess are pretty jumbled. A few others are too . I've gone back and fixed up the first post I ever made. The others I have left as they are.
It was also good to go back & really read things to do again with my NM.

It's been a very eye opening year so far.

One eye opener that was brought up to me by my psychologist, (& on her admission shes not diagnosing her shes not seen or even spoken to our Mum) but the things I am telling her about her, the things she has done, said or caused.. the things that have happened during my own life seem to be from someone that has 'BPD' & that maybe we are not dealing with a normal person here.

'Borderline Personality Disorder.'

So I came home & googled it & what do you know, it's as if someone has just explained her to me.

Scary stuff, but a huge thing to think if she does have this thing going on with her, I can breathe a sigh of relief to know that to step away is not a nasty or mean thing on my part but something that is beyond my means & something that I may have to do.

Throw alcoholism into the mix & it's almost unbearable. Actually it's often unbearable.

When I went to this appointment (when the above was mentioned), my psychologist was reading a book which she said was very applicable to me, titled 'Stop Walking On Egg Shells' which is EXACTLY how it feels when I'm having anything ever at all to do with my mum (as well as one certain sister in particular).

So I've bought the book & am waiting for it to arrive & I really look forward to reading this one. I think it's going to be extremely valuable even if she doesn't have BPD it's still going to help me in more ways than one.

She also told me a few things that happen in her family & that even though her job is a psychologist, that her own life & that to do with her own family is not 'neat & tidy' it's the same as almost every other family that is out there. So I'm not alone in thinking this is only my family.

Pretty much almost every family has some form of dysfunction it's just on different levels & when I think about people fairly close to me for example, they also have dysfunction of some sort in their lives be it now or in the past.

Actually I cannot think of one person at all who has had a normal life.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

At or With Me-Jack Johnson

Are they laughing at or with me - {who cares!}
I think this is a better you ♪ ...xoxox

Jack Johnson - Enemy

Just because I can ☼..

There is no room for 'Mr Negative' here in my life.

I want no part of it..all being angry does is change who you are & who you are really meant to be. And emotionally, it wears & weighs me down..

There is too much for me to be happy about, to fix my mind upon.. I' ve postponed my life enough this year to get myself back where I needed to be mentally.
So from today the 20th of October 2010 I am getting back into the game of life, more so than I have been..and not allow the rubbish that I know I don't want or own or have walked away from, to almost consume me again..

SO ... from now on if you see me heading back down that road of negativity I give you my permission to pull me back up! I'm not perfect & might fall again but my intention is to not let that always be a step ahead but feeling free & being allowed to breathe at the same time. I know it's easy to do I've done it plenty of times.

And also if you have something to say then please make sure it is fact & not fiction..think about it yourself before you throw empty words around that can hurt someone else so badly. Make sure it is from a place of truth & not from your own insecurities & agendas.

That is all I want.

And a big thank-you to my ever patient hubby I love you to the moon & back♥

What a difference a new day can make to your heart & mind huh!

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


So I went to the beach
again this morning, it's been the first time in a couple of weeks.
I've really missed that time on my own.
Sure we've gone all together but
it's not the same as when it's just me.
That's my own time & it fills be back up.

It was beach covered with surfer guys too..just one out there on his own.

I hate the ones who stand and just look "PISS OFF" is what I want to yell at them

Just look the other way & let me have my space. You have yours give me back my own..

Space is what I need...leave me alone.

.. I turned on my ipod
& this song came on I really feel it
speaks volumes as to where I am with my sister right now. People who don't understand
are pushing me to be there to 'fix' things with her & it's gone beyond that.

And that doesn't mean it is always going to be this way, the way that it is right now.
I know that in my heart.

Nothing is ever forever.And that maybe might include my sisters life I am well aware of this, & don't need to be reminded.  I hope I am wrong. When the time is right for me to 'go back out there' I will know it & I am ok with that.

I'm at the place again where i feel things are bigger than I/we are/am in too deep again & I'm refusing to go back where I was, & go from where I am now. I also know this from the psychological feelings I get & the anxiety is coming back more than it was. I do have my own family to consider who come first & I refuse lose the plot again because of so many others who just want me to do what they want, be the one who helps her be that strong person because according to them, I am all she has.

And the reason is that "****'s  got nobody, not even her kids all she has is you"

"How would you feel if that was you?"

I feel they are saying this because it will stop them from having to step up and to try to help her themselves...but it's not my job ffs!!! She doesn't even want help!!! She doesn't want to do things that are obvious to everyone else the bandaids shes using are not even close sticking it's not hard to see that happening & I'm not the only one saying that!!!


I am not responsible from her and can't save her, she can only save herself. This is why I am where I am and am continuing with my psychologist vists & will be continuing them next year also.

Monday, October 18, 2010

it gets really frustrating when people tell me I should be there for my sister when the truth is I've most often always been there for her & they'd not know that because not everybody knows everything all of the time nor were they there to see it.

Also, I'm not sure why it'd be different if it were me who left my hubby and kids for a guy on the internet is any different than her. Apparently for me it'd be very out of character but for her, she's 'looking' for something.

But the thing is this, the thing she is 'looking for', she had. Didn't she?

I think it's just a big case of the grass is greener.

More like the grass is greener because it is fertilized with bullshit.

Nothing is greener.

Making better choices and thinking before acting might be this 'greener' that they speak of. I think?

I don't know because again, it's not me thinking it.

So just put the fact that she has cancer aside for a moment & yes it kinda feels yet again that she gets away 'scott free' that bad decision making is almost excused for her and I just have to be there for her & support her....and shes still being nasty when she sees fit..

Which is a heck of a lot more than what they've ever done. And a fat lot of good that has done . It's never enough. but now enough is enough, and it's bad timing I know. I never planned it to be this way.

Nobody planned for her to have Cancer either (I do realize that).

She's made her bed & is now lying in it & it's up to her to 'get up' just as others before her have done. She is not the first and will certainly not be the last

I'm here if & when she needs me & to be quite frank I don't think she wants anything to do with me anyhow. Which is ok.

I say to those who like to judge me for my decision is to 'walk a mile' & then honestly tell me how it feels & what they themselves would do.

Becomes a lot harder then doesn't it.

Mmm funny that.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Jack Johnson - Situations

Jack Johnson - Crying Shame

Zach Gill - Family ft. Jack Johnson


how long has it been on your mind? do you think about it when we laugh?
I think that it's a big mistake cos I think that we could make it last even if it's just for a while
Wait here for now just long enough to be sure that you really wanna go through with this
Cos I don't really wanna go through with this ♥
Do you really wanna go through with this?

Monday, October 11, 2010

Another thing I've noticed is that I don't like to read back on blog posts which I've done, especially the ones that have emphasized problematic situations such as the previous one I just did before. I'm not wanting to dwell on the negatives at all it mentally tires me out.

Maybe that's the change within myself..not sure. Maybe I've heard it all before so it feels like I'm chasing circles.


I just went back a page & read & I don't think what I said about my FOO is completely right... I'm NOT ready to cut her out of my life not at all but what I am ready for is for the bullshit to stop. And of course this has done, because I've not seen or spoken to her.

So how I feel is this. When she can get her own life sorted out & gets rid of her hangups she has & can be a responsible person in her actions, words, choices & emotions then I wouldn't mind having a relationship with her. That's if she even wants one. I don't think it will be soon either because people have to come to their own things in their own time.

And all that is there atm is hurt, lies, jealousy & 'he said she said' words.

And she needs to stop listening to people who seem to be playing in this circle of 'dislike'. But they're her only support so, not sure when or if anything will happen. And I do know the one main person in her life is nothing short of a manipulating fucktard. It's almost as if he keeps her away from family because he knows she might 'see out'. Mind games big time, it's so easy to see.

I do know shes bullshitted to Dad, I honestly think she does not even get 'anything' yet. She's not ready to, she's trying to do this on her own & without proper help..which is what she needs.

She gets the help but it's help which is suiting herself..and not always honest help..more like omitting the truth type help. Surrounding herself with people that tell her what she wants to hear...

One good example is that she never cheated ..ah huh. Gotcha.

Nor did she ask her dickheaded  boyfriend to drive her past their house the night on which he took her on a 'date',the week before she actually left her family.. with her own family inside the house who could have been actually outside at the time taking the rubbish out or whatever they might be doing at any given moment... And I only know this because she told me when it happened.

Again she lies, denied it, said I made that up..not sure what I'd get out of this for making it up though... do you?

SO I know she is not dying of cancer & she thinks I don't care about her or am there for her. I am but I'm not going to tell her what she wants to hear nor am I going to allow her to use her self being sick as any sort of leverage.

At any moment that her cancer is or will become 'unstable' I'll be very available to her if and when she wants it. Until then, shes got to sort her own self out because right now together, we're no good and the brick wall is full of holes that I can't fix & I won't. It's insurmountable.


.. What have I been doing lately..hhmm lots of things. Normal stuff that we do as a family, schooling,a bit of catching up.. bbq's in crazy weather & I'm sure there is more which I've forgotten. Just life really:)

I've been reading a number of books for a while now all self help books (which I love) and just read another 2 fairly short books this past week I found at the library - both totally off topic but biographies which I really enjoy.
I squished them in over a few days in between reading my other books, as part of taking some more time out, which when I recognize I need it, I make sure I fit myself in...I've not even finished my second last blog about grandma. I'll get there.

I'm in no hurry:) Other things need to happen first. And besides that, I feel I need more time to talk about her on a coming Tuesday.

Tomorrow I know we are going to talk about Emotions so I am really looking forward to that. It's probably one of the only ones I've not really had a clue about what is going to happen beforehand so I am very interested in this one, as I have been with all.

I find it really easy to express my emotions I always have done even as a teeny thing, it's never been an issue for me. I know I am an emotional person & feel 'emotions' easily so yeah, whatever tomorrow is about bring it on:)

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

interesting but not..

It's been so peaceful & 'no stress' around here lately, gone back to how it was before those 3 weeks of 'contact' with 3 people in particular.

Not surprising really though is it.

It's a pretty good indication don't you think? hubs has noticed I'm back how I was before .. if push comes to shove which I am honestly half expecting it will.

I would avoid it if I could but they don't give you much choice.