Monday, May 23, 2011

*Different Relationships with Different Children~

Adult children of Borderlines may experience conflict with siblings who have different perceptions of the same mother. One patient lamented that her brother accused her of neglecting their elderly mother. The patient had been abused by her mother & minimized contact to reduce the possibility of conflict. Her brother however was the designated all-good child & shared his mothers negative perceptions of his sister. Thus, conflicts are common amongst siblings who have different relationships with the same borderline mother.

This would be how I would explain the relationship with both of my younger siblings. I'm the eldest & the scapegoat, my sister the second born is the no-good child whom in our NM's eyes can never do anything right & our brother, the 3rd born is the golden child. It's also interesting that he is a boy..

When feelings regarding traumatic experiences are not worked through, emotional growth is stunted. Therefore parents must allow the child to express intense emotion in order to prevent repression of the feelings. Very often the traumatic experience is never discussed, let alone worked through.

I cannot disregard this & strongly wonder if this is what happened when my NM was taken from her own Mother & given to her FOO to be raised by them. In her own home & then gone the next & very possibly told to just simply get on with living her life. Thus BDP developed??

Messages from the Queen Mother

*"You deserve the best, but i deserve better" this is often blatantly obvious
*"What's mine is mine, & what's yours is mine" & so is this...
*It's never enough" every request she makes must be fulfilled & they become never-ending
*"I love you when I need you" my Nm never rings me for no reason, never to just say hello it's only when she wants something or to get me to do things for her: read often sucking up for me to do things for others so that in a roundabout way she looks good.
*"I resent you needing me" she's not there for me in my time of need. I could count on 1 hand.
*"I am a special exception" of course she is. She thinks everybody needs/wants/ adores her
*"The rules don't apply to me" true
*"I deserve more" she admitted to my foo she is remarrying for material possession & that she won't be in a relationship with him and come out with nothing :/
*"It's never good enough" of course not

The Witches messages to her children

*"I could kill you" she's said so many times "I brought you into this world i will take you out". And shes deadly serious & I can see now the 'witch' is truly out when shes in this mood
*"You'll be sorry" LOL
*"You won't get away with this" she is always right & if you defer from her you will pay
*"You deserve to suffer" see above
*"I'd be better off without you" she told me last year after I told her some home truths that her friends tell her to just dump me that I'm not worth it but then she tells them that I have problems
*"You'll never escape my control" no but the electric gate where i live & my refusal to answer every phone call certainly helps
*"It's my right as your parent to control you" I'm still at 35 years old "a child"
*"I'm going to make you pay". Of course NM.

Run,run,run & don't look back....and then amidst all of this she can be loving & appears to care about me. She's who I want her to be she's warm she's laughing & so am I...

'Childhood lived with a borderline mother results in an unspeakable tragedy. Few of the child's developmental needs are met because the mother cannot be a parent.'


'Masked by a smile, behind the pinafore of maternal attachment lurks a borderline mother. Dr Lawson offers a compelling portrait of mothers who project massive states of confusion & terror in her children. She presents a variety of mothers, including the make-believe mother, the fairy tale mother, the queen & witch mother along with specific clinical suggestions for dealing with each type.

The Queen Mother:

The darkness within the borderline Queen is emptiness. Her inner experience is a
deprivation & her behavior evokes compliance. She is demanding & flamboyant & may intimidate others. The Queen feels entitled to exploit others & can be vindictive & greedy. The Queen's emotional message to her children is:

Life is "all about me".

The Witch Mother:

The darkness within the borderline Witch is annihilating rage. Her inner experience is the conviction of being evil, & her behavior evokes submission. The witch can hide in any of the other three profiles as a temporary ego-state. She is filled with self-hatred & may single out one child as the target of her rage. The Witch's emotional message to her children is:

Life is war.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Understanding the Borderline Mother

I just tidied up my last blog post~ It made less sense than I had wanted it to & I can see when I am not really 'there in the moment' but on an emotional ride my posts make little sense & I cringe when I read them.

Anyway... I got an email from the library the other week saying I had this book to collect, which I surprised about because I forgotten that I had put in for an inter library loan a little while ago.

It's a really good book and from memory around $50 so I didn't want to pay for this myself as I know once read it will only sit in the cupboard. I am bookmarking pages that relate so that I can reference them in here but notice I am book marking almost all of 2 chapters~ The Queen Mother & The Witch Mother.

Like the previous books I've read on BPD, I feel the words in them are also my own. I also have moments where i read these things & it's as if parts of my childhood are in these books & it will hit me again & for that split second I am deeply saddened.

In this book it goes on to talking about the way someone cares for someone & I related this to my DG, it spoke of:

'her giving of herself and caring'..and then I realized all over again that DG is not here & I really miss her.. we had a closely knit bond that is still there whenever I talk or think about her.

Contrast to that this also mirrored what my own birth NM didn't do & I just stared realizing again that the one who was my Mum was gone. How do you live with this~ I don't know you just get on with it. It's times like these that it hits you in the face & I feel like curling up into a ball. These moments of hurt & realization will always be with me & I am learning to just quietly watch them float by & then out again the same way they seem to just drift in.

I am understanding my NM more & more & can see her in 2 lights now which make it easier to deal with but still causes me anxiety when the phone rings & it's her because you never know what you're going to get if it's going to be "nice" NM or "the pissed off" NM. A part of me feels sorry for her & can see that what she hands out is not to be taken personally but I also know that I am NM's scapegoat so I almost have to expect 'something'. And then on the other hand I strongly dislike her she freaks the hell out of me & I am never comfortable with her tone.. It's confusing

But you know,I am really looking forward to reading the rest of this book & allowing myself to 'see' more & work through it & have a better grasp on things so that when the situation arises I am ready emotionally...mmm tall feat but hopefully it can be done.

Me= scapegoat..can it?
Her=internal & external chaos.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Hiatus =over ☼

I've been on a break, a mind break. It's something that I find I need to do.
Interestingly enough Mothers Day was also in there which I do have to blog about (later in the day when I get the chance) ~ it was no doubt a part of my zoning out... Mothers Day was certainly different within me this year but it was mostly good, anything with my own little family is good & also I'm really happy with where I am at but at the same time not naive to know this work is all done, because it never will be unfortunately. Good or not it's how it is, it's a continous journey of learning & 'working' ~

The reason I am blogging this morning is that I finally got to talk to my FOO last night & I went to bed feeling defeated with a mind full of no answers & blank spaces amongst the 'what-evers' that were floating around in my head. FOO knows what was said by me now & that things were not said in the same context that were intended, hearsay. I told FOO I cannot say I am sorry for something I never said but am sorry if FOO was hurting from this. We had the chance to talk via email to each-other & just hearing a little bit of what the other one had to say.

The defeated feeling was not from the usual feelings of anxiety that I get when I do communicate with my family it was about FOO and opening up & telling me what it's been like having cancer, what the treatments are doing to her body while at the same time fighting to save her life. She is one brave person and I am so glad she knows I do love her and am here for her because it's all she needs right now at the moment, at this time in her life. I feel helpless and it's a nightmare knowing what she is living with & she still has more to come.

The reason I messaged her was I really feel in my heart to tell her what I know~ that I really believe that our NM has a serious mental illness (through no fault of her own) & subsequently the effects & the choices that shes made our whole lives are a major part of the fracture within our family.She wasn't all that surprised that NM could have borderline personality disorder & has been reading the same book I bought~ which kinda shocked me..did I tell her about it?? Did someone in the family tell her?? I have no idea..maybe she does read this blog.. I don't know.

I got up this morning feeling a lot more positive for her which is a good feeling & It's all i can do for her at this point. It was then I also realized that I've been unfairly judged by a lot of family members over the wrong words that were what i had supposedly said to her, my name has been dragged though the mud (yet again) & then I also noticed how I could have done what I have done in situations before & fallen back into the way of thinking of "See it's all ok.. our relationship must be ok...things are good now"..when they're still not. Either I am a sucker or just plain stupid. Too long not sticking up for myself & what I believe in I think.

I am there for her but I also must take care of myself not only for myself but for my own family as well as my own mental health.

I can't fix my FOOS problems & will support her where I can but still have my own boundaries for myself. I am by passing my NM now & can clearly see where the problems mostly lie. NM won't like it, she may not even notice it other than I am pushing her away 'again'~ in her famous last words.

Anyway the important thing is that my FOO knows I do love her & want the best for her & I guess we can see where things go from there. I'm leaving this in the man upstairs hands that everything that has been going on with her is all alright & a side effect from the treatments & that it's not cancer that has spread to her bones. He's the only one who can save her life now it's too much for my mind to wrap itself around & I feel I have to give it up in order to be strong for her because she needs it.

FOO is being strong for everybody else but the truth is she admitted she's anything but and is feeling a breakdown coming on. I need to get my thoughts in order...remove the fear & replace it with positive thoughts & feelings as hard as that is you have not much choice.

That said keep your chin up it's not easy to stay positive when things don't go the way we hoped or planned but it's better than the alternative. Have a good day blogger family ♥