I just tidied up my last blog post~ It made less sense than I had wanted it to & I can see when I am not really 'there in the moment' but on an emotional ride my posts make little sense & I cringe when I read them.Anyway... I got an email from the library the other week saying I had this book to collect, which I surprised about because I forgotten that I had put in for an inter library loan a little while ago.
It's a really good book and from memory around $50 so I didn't want to pay for this myself as I know once read it will only sit in the cupboard. I am bookmarking pages that relate so that I can reference them in here but notice I am book marking almost all of 2 chapters~ The Queen Mother & The Witch Mother.
Like the previous books I've read on BPD, I feel the words in them are also my own. I also have moments where i read these things & it's as if parts of my childhood are in these books & it will hit me again & for that split second I am deeply saddened.
In this book it goes on to talking about the way someone cares for someone & I related this to my DG, it spoke of:
'her giving of herself and caring'..and then I realized all over again that DG is not here & I really miss her.. we had a closely knit bond that is still there whenever I talk or think about her.
Contrast to that this also mirrored what my own birth NM didn't do & I just stared realizing again that the one who was my Mum was gone. How do you live with this~ I don't know you just get on with it. It's times like these that it hits you in the face & I feel like curling up into a ball. These moments of hurt & realization will always be with me & I am learning to just quietly watch them float by & then out again the same way they seem to just drift in.
I am understanding my NM more & more & can see her in 2 lights now which make it easier to deal with but still causes me anxiety when the phone rings & it's her because you never know what you're going to get if it's going to be "nice" NM or "the pissed off" NM. A part of me feels sorry for her & can see that what she hands out is not to be taken personally but I also know that I am NM's scapegoat so I almost have to expect 'something'. And then on the other hand I strongly dislike her she freaks the hell out of me & I am never comfortable with her tone.. It's confusing
But you know,I am really looking forward to reading the rest of this book & allowing myself to 'see' more & work through it & have a better grasp on things so that when the situation arises I am ready emotionally...mmm tall feat but hopefully it can be done.
Me= scapegoat..can it?
Her=internal & external chaos.
2 comments:
I'll be interested in reading more about your reaction to this book. I stopped trying to understand my mother since I am in the phase of learning how to protect myself. I have learned that how she behaves usually has little or nothing to do with me. So far LC is working for me. You are right it is hard to predict which one will be there "nice" or "pissed off" and there is nothing about her that gives the usual cues. She can look perfectly happy but still be in "pissed off" mode. Thank you for sharing your journey to understanding your FOO. What you share helps me in so many ways. If a post sounds a little confused, I recognize that my own confusion is not unusual. Thanks for making a difference.
Ruth
Thanks for saying my confusion helps to make your own not unusual~ you have me looking at this in a different way now!!♥
I'm happy that you are doing this now learning to protect yourself I think I am almost there but still wanting to understand more..I can imagine you're in a much better place now & I only know this feeling because I'm also at that same place but with other people. It's certainly a ride huh??? thank-you for sharing your experiences too it does help x
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