Hiatus =over ☼

I've been on a break, a mind break. It's something that I find I need to do.
Interestingly enough Mothers Day was also in there which I do have to blog about (later in the day when I get the chance) ~ it was no doubt a part of my zoning out... Mothers Day was certainly different within me this year but it was mostly good, anything with my own little family is good & also I'm really happy with where I am at but at the same time not naive to know this work is all done, because it never will be unfortunately. Good or not it's how it is, it's a continous journey of learning & 'working' ~


The reason I am blogging this morning is that I finally got to talk to my FOO last night & I went to bed feeling defeated with a mind full of no answers & blank spaces amongst the 'what-evers' that were floating around in my head. FOO knows what was said by me now & that things were not said in the same context that were intended, hearsay. I told FOO I cannot say I am sorry for something I never said but am sorry if FOO was hurting from this. We had the chance to talk via email to each-other & just hearing a little bit of what the other one had to say.

The defeated feeling was not from the usual feelings of anxiety that I get when I do communicate with my family it was about FOO and opening up & telling me what it's been like having cancer, what the treatments are doing to her body while at the same time fighting to save her life. She is one brave person and I am so glad she knows I do love her and am here for her because it's all she needs right now at the moment, at this time in her life. I feel helpless and it's a nightmare knowing what she is living with & she still has more to come.

The reason I messaged her was I really feel in my heart to tell her what I know~ that I really believe that our NM has a serious mental illness (through no fault of her own) & subsequently the effects & the choices that shes made our whole lives are a major part of the fracture within our family.She wasn't all that surprised that NM could have borderline personality disorder & has been reading the same book I bought~ which kinda shocked me..did I tell her about it?? Did someone in the family tell her?? I have no idea..maybe she does read this blog.. I don't know.


I got up this morning feeling a lot more positive for her which is a good feeling & It's all i can do for her at this point. It was then I also realized that I've been unfairly judged by a lot of family members over the wrong words that were what i had supposedly said to her, my name has been dragged though the mud (yet again) & then I also noticed how I could have done what I have done in situations before & fallen back into the way of thinking of "See it's all ok.. our relationship must be ok...things are good now"..when they're still not. Either I am a sucker or just plain stupid. Too long not sticking up for myself & what I believe in I think.


I am there for her but I also must take care of myself not only for myself but for my own family as well as my own mental health.

I can't fix my FOOS problems & will support her where I can but still have my own boundaries for myself. I am by passing my NM now & can clearly see where the problems mostly lie. NM won't like it, she may not even notice it other than I am pushing her away 'again'~ in her famous last words.


Anyway the important thing is that my FOO knows I do love her & want the best for her & I guess we can see where things go from there. I'm leaving this in the man upstairs hands that everything that has been going on with her is all alright & a side effect from the treatments & that it's not cancer that has spread to her bones. He's the only one who can save her life now it's too much for my mind to wrap itself around & I feel I have to give it up in order to be strong for her because she needs it.

FOO is being strong for everybody else but the truth is she admitted she's anything but and is feeling a breakdown coming on. I need to get my thoughts in order...remove the fear & replace it with positive thoughts & feelings as hard as that is you have not much choice.

That said keep your chin up it's not easy to stay positive when things don't go the way we hoped or planned but it's better than the alternative. Have a good day blogger family ♥