Thursday, September 30, 2010

Much excited

I don't have enough time to post but I think I've realized this morning stuff to do with my Grandma. Basically she's still here with me, I feel her & she lives in me. She's not here physically but that doesn't mean that I've lost her for good..maybe you might think "What is she on now?" but for me it's a big step in the direction . This is what I wanted. I have to put groceries *bahhh* away now but I'll come back after I've read the chapter fully on 'Loss' in the 7 challenging days book (dr phil book I was talking about).

It's ok for me to miss her it's ok for me to cry as much as I do but the thing that I CAN do is honour her, with my own life :) ♥

I can do that.. Yep I can xxx

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


What a beautiful family I have♥
That we've made together

I'm exactly where I thought I'd be, where I could see myself as a 5 year old girl, well before her parents separated

Eat that 'yesterday, shame, hurt, pain, tears, frightened, angry & Mr negative'!!!

"Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong"
Winston Churchill ☼


♪ I'm not your bitch don't hang your shit on me

I'm breaking all the rules I didn't make
You took my words and made a trap for silly fools
You held me down & tried to make me break♪

♪ I just wanna be there when you discover...

Cheaters YOU suck!!!
The thing that hurts the most is that deep down I really love mum & it's when shes blatantly in my face & doesn't care, when she hurts with her yelling, her tone of voice & her words & tries to manipulate me I see it as if I've never seen it before & I get upset all over again. I probably won't ever work that part of it out. Strange I know.

I did have her once even if it was for a short while. We've still had happy times over the years but still, this blog would not be here if she was not the way she is. And I own some of this, sure I do but I didn't ask to be born yet alone emotionally abused by the one person who is meant to be anything but.
Yesterday was really stressful & subsequently I internalized it, hence how I was feeling. I was feeling the effects of anxiety in my body, sore muscles in my back & so on.
The day started out pretty good with an early morning walk on the beach, Jack playing loudly on my ipod. Then went home got ready & went off to my fortnightly visit which I really enjoy going to.

Having said that, I usually write Tuesdays 'off ' because I am never sure how things will feel or be after having had my psych visit that's just easier for me (& subsequently everybody else!)to not put on any extra pressure/s, to just rest my mind which is what I need to do.
Some Tuesdays are fine & other Tuesdays I curl up in bed & sleep & then I wake up feeling 'refreshed' again. It's actually really draining mentally & emotionally.

Yay for a new day though!!!

A really interesting thing that cemented home to me this morning while reading the first chapter in one of our Dr Phil books titled 'Real Life: Preparing for the 7 Most Challenging Day of Your Life' is the first chapter 'Stress'.

The past few weeks have been exactly that. A few big stresses. Finding out my sister has cancer was the biggest stress.
4 days later I then had my birthday which was a really nice distraction from all of this that has been going on for me this year . The best present for me though was finding out the night before that my sisters cancer is a grade1. Which is good if you're going to have it.It's not a 2 or a 3..4 being you have to finalize your life & prepare. She will have an 85% chance of survival. I said will.....

My sister at this stage (because she see's it that she's not dying yet and has the time) is refusing modern medicine, preferring to shrink the cancer on her own with diet & other therapies, refusing chemotherapy & radiotherapy as well as surgery to remove her actual organs because even though the cancer is encapsulated it's actually too big for them to remove without having to take organs.

However this is her choice, I have to respect that. Which I do. Doesn't mean I have to like it.
I know I don't like it or agree but if she wants to use some time then it will only be her in the end to blame if her cancer spreads.

She is choosing to ignore Doctors advice, shes trying to tell me the poison they put into her body is worse than the cancer itself...hhmm...okayyyyyy then.

She also tells me one thing & gets me emotionally involved, then tells the truth to other people, with everything. So wants my support but lies at the same time. One minute you are helping her and she loves you the next she hates your guts.

Now I probably appear really cold. I'm not at all with what I'm about to say but make of it what you will.

Some big shits just recently gone brothers girlfriend is involved. 

I don't want anything to do with her or my sister anymore. It's not her choices on her cancer, it's everything else. Our entire lives as sisters. It's not good, rarely has been. We're no good together. Cancer can't even repair us.

There is more but I'm letting it go. None of it was true. It's removed from my mind and it's staying that way. Accusations were thrown around, a 3rd party was involved...I'm out. I don't want to be involved in this sort of thing anymore because it seems to be a game that goes around and around..people playing head games & so on. In ways my sister is already dead to me and it's been like that for the most part of the last 2 & a bit years. Harsh words I know, but it's the cold hard truth, whether people like it or not.

And it's usually those people who have not had this sort of thing happen with them that say "But she's your sister".

And?? Maybe they have normal families so can say that.

The rest of my family, is great. I know what is normal and what is not and none of this is. It's all extremely negative. If they were friends I'd cut ties also.

It's like being in a bad relationship, nothing changes unless you take action. And on the whole I think I do but I don't really. What I really do is ignore it/them & it's not until a problem of some sort presents itself & then I lose the plot totally. Sometimes it can be the smallest of detail but it's enough.

I now have no contact details at all. She is out of my mind, and my stress levels have reduced dramatically as they had done on and off during the past 2 and a half years. Ot And it's not about sticking my head in the sand.

I do have a peace about my decision.

We are never going to have a normal, friendly, loving relationship. It's too flawed, strained. Always been strained & it's not just the normal sibling rivalry it's a lot more . It's always been full of false accusations, jealousy just to mention a few. It feels as if I am not allowed to be my own self, have my own family separate from them. Not separated as in nothing to do with each-other but the time I have for my husband & kids isn't easily 'shared' to be at their every whim. Which always seems is never enough.

Mum & Pam are so alike. History repeated itself. She learnt well. They're both cut from the same mould.

I do know I am tired of trying to help her & to be there, only to be labelled 'evil', 'toxic' & there is more. It feels like there are too many players in our relationship which sabotage and play against us.

Our Mother has helped to create this bad relationship that we have. Always playing one against the other. My sister the favoured one, me not. That was always made very clear & it still is.

My Mother was here Monday morning & looked me straight in the face and lied again. She doesn't care. It doesn't even register.

She is definitely next in line I am ready more than ever to tell her "We will see you once a year at Christmas & no more. Do not contact, do not worm your way back in & if you don't like that it will be down to nothing at all".

She had our 2nd son for a week, with my nieces. It was the first time ever that she's had any of our kids and within 15 minutes of him being dropped off she had gone over 3 boundaries. No shame, no feelings just totally rail-roading over the top of me as his Mum & all to make me look the bad guy. Manipulating now not only myself but adding our kids to the game. We gave her a chance, and she's blown it.

That's where the line is drawn, with our children.

That's right they are my husbands as well as my kids.

They are OUR kids. My mum calls me a child, then I think she sees my kids as her kids or something I'm not sure. But she's degrading. She forgets they do have a Dad also.

She had her kids, she made some less than ideal choices with herself primarily in mind with enormous consequences. This is not her chance to make up for that through her grandkids.

WE make the choices as to what happens with our kids & we together have made our decision.

Simple 'no' is not enough. A good example of her this week is she wants to have Sarah. She says "I want all my babies here"..except they aren't her babies.
I have told her no & the reason other than either of us trust her is that Sarah still holds her breath occasionally & it's still a worry for us. She doesn't have seizures anymore thankfully & it's been almost 4 years since we've had to call for an Ambulance but nonetheless it still happens.

SO she tells me she will watch her..I said to her she doesn't understand..the thing is she ignores them Sarah could be somewhere else & if she holds her breath mum won't know or see.

She's still not bothered & continued on. I told her she will smash her head on the concrete or wherever she is, which is what almost happened at least twice since living where we are. YOu don't have to watch her like a hawke but you must be aware pretty much at all times, call out to her if she does go quiet, it's just something she will grow out of and appears to be which is a very good thing.

In the last month we found her crumpled up on the bathroom floor, she hit her head & had a lump.

Again...Mum is not listening. And this is just another reason she shows us that she is not a responsible person when it comes to kids. She also has no respect for the use of car seats either.

I'll stop here.


Suddenly it feels a lot less all feels right. And I am not going to ignore it this time to keep other people happy. Look where that has gotten me. Nah-uh.

No more.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Elton John - Someone Saved My Life Tonight

I need a hug from my dad. Today's visit was exactly the right timing for 'things' & now I'm feeling it.
My back is sore I'm tired & I want to cry & just go to sleep. My nieces are here until this afternoon playing in the kids rooms & hubby has gone for a ride up the street with our eldest, so for now I'll sit here & pull myself together & maybe this can be the release that I need to let out

xox Dad

"I'm Still Standing"

You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use

And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I'm coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah

Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now

Monday, September 27, 2010

The 11th hour

I can't see that this will be my second last visit tomorrow, what I have to do is wait until all of my 12 appointments have been completed and then I can try for more. Fingers crossed I can continue them this year and if worst comes, next January which is not that long away but longer than I think I can go for but whatever happens happens & either way I am looking forward to continuing on this 'journey'. I've really enjoyed it if that makes sense. It's been uplifting, scary at times & also an enormous relief to have it all 'out'.

Of me.

I feel somewhat different, more at peace with myself, calmer & in general I am a bit quieter & happy to watch the world go by & just observe it, for now.

Speaking of observing, tomorrow would have been my Dad & Mums 36th Wedding Anniversary.

I'm not at all upset about it I haven't been for a really long time, it's just a day now that I don't forget & probably will never forget but instead to think about to myself & wonder "what if".

BUT there is no benefit in staying in that moment for too long, I'd not be where I am today had all of these things good & bad not taken place. I'd change nothing, well almost nothing.

Who am I kidding? I'd have slept those 5 years away If I could.

PS. hey..your sister has cancer..yeah I know But I am trying hard to pretend she really hasn't that was just a bad dream.
I've made blog posts & deleted them. I think because I made them in extreme anger then I realized I never wanted this negativity again. But it's back, but shortlived. I know how to deal with her this time & am keeping my cool, as in not affecting me like it did earlier this year.

Because I'm not conforming to what it is they want, shit hits the fan & in a big way.

All I can say is that a leopard never changes it's spots. Sick or not. And the nastiness coming out and all from something she did & me not bending over and taking it like I often did & never should have. Not to mention her denying the lot & then calling me a toxic, evil person who she wants nothing to do with. Tanty chucking at it's best & I'm not even bothered this time.
I'm also apparently jealous of everybody else and she hopes I have a good life... errr :/



It just goes around & around.. Why is it that within this year of me taking a break from certain family members, that our life became a lot less stressful & basically no drama's at all? Then in the last month it's all come back tenfold..a good lesson I think. I do know my DH is at his tether & is ready to rip off anybodies head that he needs to. He's over it as much as I am and can see they've been 'allowed' by us both as to not be rude to them or to hurt their feelings, to behave in this manner for far too long & it's all about to come to a major halt.

*Breathes out*

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Why now?

I'm sitting here ready to blog & all I want to do is cry. I only have 2 more sessions left and I don't think I'm ready to 'do it on my own' yet.

Am I? Or am I just scared?

And scared of what?

I feel 'safe' going, it's been my time out & I'm not ready to give it all up just yet.
I've almost run out of what Medicare covers you but I know I can ring my GP & he can arrange me some more.

I'm not sure what to do part of me says "tommorrow you won't even care don't worry about it" but another says
"Get a few more what will it hurt?"


Monday, September 13, 2010

Today my sister told me she has cancer

Saturday, September 11, 2010

jack johnson - no good with faces

turn your love - jack johnson


I had the weirdest dream last night. I was at my Grandma's funeral. The room was well lit & I was standing beside her coffin & looked over to my Dad who was sitting a few rows back.. I told him to "come up here don't be down there". Her coffin was a warm amber & it looked normal. The next minute it was thin in depth, about 10cm high & I'm not sure why.

A man from the funeral home brought a small round dish over & on that was some of her hair & I looked at it with a mixture of wonder & horror & not understanding any of it. Wondering why they'd saved it.
When I woke up this morning it was fresh on my mind & it wasn't one of those dreams that make you feel bothered or disturbed, it was actually nice I had a dream about her even though it was about her death.

I just googled this to try to understand it & I think it makes sense..

To dream that you are at somebody else's funeral, signifies that you are burying an old relationship and closing the lid on the past. You may be letting go some of the feelings (resentment, anger, hostility toward someone) that you have been clinging onto.

The thing is though I don't have any resentment, anger or hostility towards her, only the opposite.
This Tuesday the discussion is going to be about my Grandparents & I wonder if in my subconscious I am getting ready to 'say goodbye'. I don't want to though I never want to let go & right now I'm almost crying just thinking that this could happen.

Just like every other 'experience' that has happened & bothered me, has been fairly easy for me to see & to let go of & I've let them go & am still in the process of.

But I am not letting go, if I do that I'm afraid I've lost her forever. Which I know I already have physically but not mentally or inside. That's all there is left. I try to let go but I can't. It's just a part of me, like she was a part of me.

But this feels different in not wanting to let go because she really was my mum.

My Grandma, was my softest place in the world to fall.

She had my back & I had hers.

I miss her like nothing else, it all only feels like yesterday.

We lived with my Grandparents when I was a newborn baby. I know now (she admitted it a couple of months ago) that Mum never felt anything towards me until I was about 6 months old, mainly because she was scared of taking care of me. Bonding with my Grandma makes sense in every sense of the word.

It feels like yesterday that I was my own daughters age. I also remember going over there in the dark early hours of the morning with Mum & Dad the day that my little sister was born. I stayed with them & remember going to the hospital that night to see her.

And spending some (well lots) of weekend/s at their house. All the things we'd do & the smells, I can remember it all. I can't even begin to explain how good it was because you won't understand.Or maybe you will. It was our own 'utopia'.
We were so close & I looked up to her & I was the best thing since my Dad had been born ♥
I can still hear her voice in my mind the way she'd say "Ohh Darling". She had her own way of saying it.

She used to feed me up always. Thought I was hungry probably because I was a skinny little thing & she'd come in at night after I'd gone to bed to ask me "Are you hungry?" I'd always say I was & we'd go back out to the kitchen & she'd make me something yummy.

In the middle of the nights I'd go to her side of the bed to go to the toilet & they had an outside toilet which was freezing cold but she'd not once complain & stand there waiting for me, then put me back to bed.

I'd wake up . She'd still have the table set just for me & her & she'd cook toast in the wood fire. My god it was good & I remember going back home refusing to eat 'toaster toast' lol.

We'd eat cornflakes together & then we'd clean up & I'd help her do chores. It was fun.
Then we'd do stuff, all sorts of things just me & her.Sometimes we'd go shopping.

She taught me how to do things, things that my own NM never. Like how to set the table, how to make a bed & how you put the top sheet seam side up so that when you fold it back at the top over the blanket, it was nice & neat.

We used to collect chocolate wrappers in the tins they came in because 'the colours were so pretty' & we'd get them out & & group them all up & count them. . Little plastic farm & jungle animals, dolls out on the driveway in the morning sun..they also live across the road from the park & we'd go over there to the swings. All this stuff all this good stuff is what makes my heart smile &

I don't think I have grieved her. Actually I don't think I know I haven't. Instead I've closed my mind to it. I know she won't be coming back & I know i never got to say a proper goodbye to her, I never said goodbye at all.

When she was sick I never let on to her that i knew she had Cancer. And she never let on to me either. We were trying to protect each-other, from hurting and upsetting each-other.

The only thing she did say was "Silly Grandma hurting her leg hey"
And I just smiled & agreed when all the while I knew and I wonder if she did deep down too that i knew.

She'd gone shopping with her neighbor . She was stepping down 2 brick steps in the neighbors garage when her bone between her knee and her ankle 'snapped'.

She went to hospital & that was when they found her body was riddled with Cancer. Nobody had had any idea.

She'd previously had lumps removed from her Breasts many times and in the end it was secondary cancer that killed her. Bone cancer.

I remember the day Dad rang me to tell me that Grandma had cancer. It was like the world just stopped & all back ground noise disappeared. Dad said to me that they didn't think she'd live until her next birthday which was that coming November. She ended up surprising us all & lived until the following Easter.
What is there to say? I walked over to  (who was my boyfriend at the time), work to wait for him that night he was just about to finish working at the Servo & just sat there, digested it & waited.

He got to meet her & she said to me "he's a nice young man" & we both just smiled & knew. I think they only met twice before she died. She gave her 'approval' ♥ I'm glad to have had that I could have missed that also. Add it to the long list of things she missed out on.

We actually missed her funeral service, we only arrived just as the people were coming out of the chapel & her body had already been put into the car. We followed them to the Garden where she is buried but even then the whole thing didn't seem real. I still can't comprehend death very well.

The funny thing is this. Hubby told me after I'd met him that he asked God to send him someone to love, he didn't want to be alone in his life, there had been no-one special to him, & looking back, I think that he was sent to me because she was going. Did she somehow send him to me? I think someone 'upstairs' did.

She died a year & a half before we got married.

On our Wedding Day I wore her engagement ring on my right hand, she was there with me . It might sound corny but the diamond solitaire symbolized her eyes to me & it was my Dad who wanted me to have it, and brought it down for me 3 months before we got married.

Some people might be reading this & think "Ohh the little sap only married him because she had nobody else". Not true. Whether we had have been 30, 40 or even 70 when we had met we'd still have gotten married. We both knew the instant that we saw each-other all those years ago.

And I'm just grateful I got to share that with her, if only a small part.

I'm thankful that I had her I could have had no Mother figure at all & turned out to be a bitter person who continued it with her own children. I wish she was still here.

Friday, September 10, 2010

Thursday, September 9, 2010

A quick post..

Much to my surprise overcoming 'this one' was much easier than I could have ever imagined it to be. And it's funny a word I used in my last post


That is exactly how I feel about what happened. Because I never planned it or wanted it to happen, let alone the way that it did. I feel shame from the way my mother handled it, the way she blatantly spoke of it to anybody & everybody & often as if I was not even there. I felt like my entire being, all my own morals were now gone and everybody thought badly of me & thought they were hearing the truth. Or that's how I saw it.

One thing I did learn was that I never blamed myself for this, I blame 'him' for doing it for pre-planning it (& it would have been for weeks before that when he'd ask me if i wanted to lose my virginity whilst walking past his group at school). I also blame my NM the way she was not there yet again for me . She had no problem, really with sex that young so no matter whatever I said to her, it was totally ok what happened It was just that I never 'consulted' her first. How can you consult some one of something that you have no idea it's going to happen?

It was date rape, to me rape is still too strong a word. I think because it wasn't violent, but it was still forced & the no's & trying to remove myself were not listened to at all.

Do I hate him? No I don't think so. He could be a number of things now.

He could be grown with children of his own, daughters. Whom he might look at and know how he disrepected women & nobody will ever do that to his own little girls.

Or there is a very good chance he could even be dead.
Or still be doing what he was doing then, but now and living in a meaningless life.

Whatever it is, I don't care. I'm happy, I'm safe, it doesn't matter anymore. That was another 'life' not mine now. I have an amazing husband who never made me do anything until I was ready. He's my safe place to fall & I am his.

My psychologist told me I've actually come through this (as well as the 'other' thing) fairly unscathed. 2 reasons, I never blamed myself for them happening & then could have lost my own compass & then go on to be promiscuous & I also never went down a path of self destruction. I also disassociated myself when it happened & can switch off to it. It was if I wasn't even there but above myself looking down into the room. She's heard of this before.

So wherever you are, whatever you are doing, I hope you are a happy person who was able to grow up & to learn how not to treat people. Your actions put a dark shadow in my life & you had no right to do that. You took what wasn't yours to take & you took that away from me. But you know what? I & my husband don't even count that we both disregard it, it's as if it never happened & we're both ok with that. A part of me feels sorry for you that something that special is meaningless to you, maybe its just different morals or ideas whatever I don't know but at the end of the day we're all just people looking for something.

I found mine & I hope you've found yours.