Monday, May 31, 2010

Saved draft from a while ago..

May 2010

I wish I had more time on my fortnightly Tuesday morning sessions, you just begin to talk about something then something diverts from that, then so on & so on. I'm very keen for a solution but that's going to take some time.
(I was ready yesterday).

But things don't happen overnight. At least not this sort of thing that's been going on for a long time.

I feel like I didn't really get a lot from last week but it was the first after having had the initial 'history' so in my mind it feels much longer. It's been a month but feels like 2 months.

I am really looking forward to next week. She will go about giving me the tools that I need so that I can then deal with things effectively, so instead of me taking things on board I can let them go.
Most of the time these things are not mine but I end up owning them anyway, & I tend to not stick up for myself. It's bizarre really because I am a strong independant woman & I know exactly what I want & where I am going..

I almost feel squashed. I go from being ten feet tall to a cm tall.


Just like that. That is what I need to switch off, because I am for some reason allowing it to happen. I guess I think about not hurting their feelings, but what about mine?

My Mum treats me like a child, she actually says "You're my child". I say "No I am your daughter".

The reason I hate this so much is the derogatory tone in which she says it, she likes to think she can rule it over me and I will conform to whatever it is she wants. But again, I've allowed that to happen.

Shes got no respect for me at all, she yells and she lies are just a few things. The lies are endless.

I found out last week she feels threatened by me because unlike her, I do have it all together. Shes 50 something years old & still has no idea, and that pisses her off.

Everything was going along pretty well (my progress within myself. We had another falling out last August & I began to read a great book I could recommend to anybody that's having these sorts of problems in their life ..'Emotional Blackmail'..great book.. I did my 'homework' & got a lot out of it at the time & have now of course begun to see a psychologist.. and was going along pretty well until last night when NM rang.

And it showed me I'm obviously not done yet, nowhere near it. Not even close.

I answered & it was not long until she starts on her usual high pitched & demanding tone of why I'm ignoring her phone calls etc etc.. So I gave it to her straight. In a normal tone, no anger was there it was just straight to the point.

You asked me so here goes.

I told her I am mad at her.
"For what?" she asks with a groan thrown in for sarcasm which is pretty much how she speaks to me most times if I've had enough of her crap & make it known without saying too much. She reads me well.

"I'm mad you cheated on my Dad & all the lies you've gone on with ever since then I'm mad for ALMOST EVERYTHING".

I'll make the list now of what else I am as mad as hell about. And as time goes on as I remember, I will add to it. THIS was meant to be my 'homework' for these next 2 weeks anyway writing things down as they came to me & not thinking for one second I'd have to be actually dealing with her just yet.

*Cheated on Dad

*All the lies ever since then, and they still continue.

*Blaming me for not being close to her

(At this point I explained to her that she wasn't connected to her own mother so could not effectively give that to me & I've never felt close to her ever)

*Blames me for not letting my kids go to her.

(I told her why would WE both allow our most precious things (not that they are things) go be with her when i know how much damage shes done to my own siblings & myself what are you nuts? Oops I forgot yes you actually are. And in case you didn't notice, they are my husbands kids too just as much as they are my own. We tend to make joint decisions Mum).

*Blames me for pushing her away & not allowing her to come into the Birth Suite when our children were born (WTF!! that is an honour & this was our time, sorry but you had yours. Maybe had we been close it may have happened)

There are a million more things but I can't think atm.

I explained the circle of safety and how she couldn't give what she didn't have. She then opened up & told me she never felt like she 'belonged' and I do think she meant it, it's one of those rare times I can see through her soul that shes telling the truth and I see someone hurt. But on top of that are the lies, the rubbish shes gone on for so long for and now believes, the blame & the nastiness. All the stuff shes chosen. And for most part gotten away with, until now.

She changes her stories and must think that I must have been sleeping the entire time I was growing up. I was there mum I took it all in, I grew up at 10 years old overnight remember when you said Dad was going to be not coming home? Kids don't forget stuff, when you live it & the parent who is not there is constantly ostracized & brought down you don't forget that. Especially if you are a Dad's girl.

Last night she went over the line again. She said she cheated on Dad after he did it to her, so basically all these years (24 of them) I've been the stupid one, and wrongly mad at her. She said shes even had friends tell her to 'get rid of me' that I am a horrid nasty daughter.

Dad never did that.

She spun me a heap of crap last night & told me to ask Dad about it, and knowing her she'd be thinking I'd be too gutless to do that. So tonight I did, after having had a headache all day from stressing again from having to bloody talk to her & not when I was even ready!!! I rang him and he only confirmed what I already knew & that she was lying again & to not let her worry me, she can't hurt me shes only hurting herself, especially in the long run.

The thing that I can't get my head around is that I said to her last night that I want to start again, am willing to not go into the nitty gritty because I know for a fact shes not going to tell the truth. So here I am letting go and shes here bullshitting to me YET AGAIN! the entire time.

She did apologize that I felt and was responsible for my siblings from 10 years old, she seemed to know it was wrong & that because she was not there for them I had to be. I had to be their Mum.

I told her she raised me to be independent & that she certainly has done that because I do not like being told what to do at all, if someone makes me feel like an idiot or inadequate like she has my whole life i switch off. I take great offence.

I'm not an idiot & I know a lot more than I let on. Maybe it's a self preservation thing I don't know.

I told her she raised us in a clean house, always well dressed, fed but there was no emotional stuff there at all.

She saved that for herself & the constant stream of men she has had in her life. We come last. Even though she won't admit to that. Kids feel how they feel & she can't go back.

I told her every relationship shes ever had is a result of an affair, every single one of them. I told her that I think this is pretty off.

I also told her I don't feel close to her at all that I never have, but instead it is/was Grandma who was 'my mum' & that it sucked/s that shes not even here. She's my real mum who had my best interests at heart, who showed me love & made me feel safe, special & important. I've lost time with her because of what she did & I made sure she knew about that as well. The truth hurts & I never held back, she wants to know what my problem is so I told her, that it was her.

Her end of the phone was pretty quite which is a nice change.

If you're going to treat your kids in a certain manner their whole lives it's going to one day come back and bite you, and biting now it is.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Positive thinking.....

The anxiety certainly seems to be nowhere near as bad as it was, which I think is a combination of things I've been doing within myself but I'm aware they won't all work forever. The really hard stuff will come in the work I need to do which is going to take some time I think. 6 months even more.

Ways I've been doing this are thinking positive thoughts & choosing NOT to let negative ones in my head at all & if they come in I boot them out quick smart.And doing certain things for myself everyday and not feeling guilty about it.

I found out my Mum has been having a bit of a hard time lately & my first instinct is to ring her but then I realized I am not doing all of this for nothing & not to act on my heart, not yet anyway.That is (partly) what got me into this mess.

I've heard that both my sister & mum have had a couple of things happen & my first thought was " hhhh told you so.." but these are those exact thought patterns I'd like NOT to have & realized you have to be better than that.. don't lower your standards & at the end of the day does that make me happy thinking that way?

Not really it doesn't do anything good for me at all :)

Sunday, May 16, 2010


Tuesday, May 11, 2010

So here I am, 34 years old & seeing a psychologist for the first time.

I'm keeping this as a journal for myself and will update it whenever I feel like it or just even when I see the psychologist which will be every couple of weeks.

I'm sure this will get a LOT harder than it was today.
I also feel I am getting this ugly thing called Anxiety under control, by not allowing negative thoughts into my mind, surrounding myself with positive words, people, music & by concentrating on our own family.

I think I'm all out of cry atm but I'm well aware it will come & when it does I have to just go with it all. I only want to have to do this once. No more mucking around.

I can't believe I've let this go for so long but better late than never. Today couldn't have come soon enough. I'd been to see someone just the one time (1 session) about 10 years ago & what was said was such a simple thing. I left there and felt stronger for it, her few simple words were all I needed at that time & it got me over that hill.
Or at least that's what I thought. I remember ringing lifeline to get advice but the problem with that was they can't really give you any, you can only 'offload'.

I've also read a lot of really good books & they've helped (I am still reading them) but sometimes things are much bigger than we are and you need someone else to step in and work out things in a different way, give you the tools that you don't have.

And recent events has shown that this is too big for me I'm in way over my head & I can't switch off.

An hour is not really long enough to get your life story out but at least shes got a good idea and we have something to base all of this stuff on.

Basically I can't deal with my sister upping & leaving her 2 young kids. And then wanting my support. Which i can't give it's like asking me to cut off my left arm.Not gonna happen. And what shes done has gone back to what our Mother did a long time ago & it's left me too involved and subsequently with anxiety & stress that I don't know how to deal with, it's never been dealt with at all.It's too big it's too close to home. I don't feel close at all to my mum I actually feel nothing but I do love her, it doesn't make a lot of sense really but I do feel controlled by her & am not doing things out of guilt anymore but those feelings are still obviously there.

Another reason is that a lot of times, been mum to my younger siblings. So more emotionally involved than I should have ever been especially for someone who was between the ages of 10 to 14 years old myself . Having said that, I consider myself to be the lucky one out of us all and saw things & made choices at a really young age of making sure I'd one day not repeat the same mistakes I saw other people make.

Funnily enough at the time I liked 'being there' for them both, and actually liked that Mum wasn't there. There was a sense of peace & calm. We were all pretty happy.

But it's a lot of responsibility. There is also a lot more I need to deal with and let go.

So today we went back to the beginning, to my childhood, to my parents (and I don't have an issue with my Dad it's only my mum).. I went to my mums childhood & I already knew of something that made certain things make sense but there was one thing I didn't realize.
My mum never had that secure base with her own mother,it's called 'The Circle of Security' which is the parent attending to the childs needs which is a secure base and a secure haven. which in turn switched 'off' her capability to give that 18 years later to me.

Because you can't give what you don't have. (Dr Phil!♥)

We are not close we never have been. She never had that safety net with her own mum because her own Mother had 3 small children all under the age of 3. So mum went to live with her Grandparents who from what I've been told adored her, loved etc, provided her with anything at all she needed but in in the back of her mind she was abandoned by her own parents. It was to give her a life that her own mum couldn't. She could'nt cope.
I don't call her Mum my Grandparent though & I've never thought of her as a Grandparent because I never knew her so there is no attachment there of any sort. Shes just 'mums mum' and always has & will be & that is how I've always described her.

My mum didn't really have a good Dad, he was off doing his own thing, and her whole life even up until when he died 3 years ago, she had nothing to do with him. She did meet him once not long before he died but she on the whole ignored him. I could have met him as well but I chose not to, I didn't want to be disloyal to my own Grandpop who is all I've ever known.

She has told me countless times had I been born a boy she was not bringing me home from hospital & she was serious every time she said it. I remember trying to make light of the conversation once .. "Oh well Dad would have brought me home".

Horrible things to say to someone you're supposed to love but she says/believes it. I shouldn't even laugh there's nothing laughable in that but that's what you do.

I spent a lot of time at my Grandparents house & I know without a doubt that she is the one who I bonded with & who I learnt things from and gave me my strength that I have today and who's always been there for me in my life, even when she died from cancer when I was 16 I'd hope & sometimes sensed that she was still around. She loved me like nothing else even existed, the same love she gave to my dad she had years later for me. I feel blessed to have had her and thank God for that but I do feel ripped off that shes gone but my mum's still here. What an awful thing to say but I've thought it.

It's not fair that i missed out on time from her because of my mum being 'unsavoury' and sleeping around on my Dad and then us moving 3 hours away to 'start afresh'. That was just another thing mum did wrong. Just another 'thing' to add to the already long list.

She ended up doing it again anyway. And again and again. In fact all of her major relationships were from her having affairs and breaking up marriages, it's nothing to be proud of.But she doesn't/didn't seem to care.


So basically, I never bonded with my own Mother but instead with my Grandma. My sister  learnt a lot from mum & she was the one who spent her time with her & she seems to be the one who has copied her. Cheated on her family and put guys before her own children. But either of them see it that way when the rest of the world can. Respect is what I've lost for both of them, I love them but there is nothing to respect, how can I?

So here I'm watching my 2 nieces through my own eyes but as a 10 year old girl & I can't separate from that, nor can I accept or deal with it. And all I hear is that the girls are alright, on the surface of course they are but emotionally they're cracking. I'm not talking to my mum or my sister either because I can't deal with it.All of this shits their fault. & my life is better, calm and peaceful when they're not in it. But I love them both & want this sorted out. She did say I seemed angry at my Mum today & shes probably right.I am mad but mad gets me nowhere.

So that's all we got to talk about today and I am looking forward to the next time, it can't come soon enough I could have talked for another 3 hours. I wish that all mothers could get that help much sooner if they do feel like this towards their babies, to give them that 'Circle of Security' that I didn't get, that she didn't get. Don't repeat it, don't let it go through generations of kids in your/our families it only creates a lifetime of hurt and anger.

My mum and I are dis-attached. I knew that already.

I can see that my mum had no idea, even now I don't think she does it seems to be the sort of person she is or has become. Still it does make me sad for her and for me (way back then) but It's good to know because I think for me to ever forgive her and to move on I need to go right back to the start and see things from a different angle. I might not like it & it's wrong I even have to be doing this when she/they caused it. I had no part of it but I'm the one bothered by it all.

When I put all of this aside, at the end of the day I have 3 happy & healthy beautiful children as well as my self respect, & I sleep soundly at night. Not to mention an amazing husband who gives as much as I do to all of our lives & also to our marriage. We're in this together, for the long haul. It's always been that way. I've been blessed in lots of ways & I'm thankful for all of it everyday.
He is always saying he is lucky, I think we both are & we've come full circle.

My life is extraordinarily good.
Because we make it that way.

And it drives me insane that they say that "You have it all blah blah blah"
Yeah well that's kinda what happens when you have your head on right and make good decisions and learn from ones that were not so good. You do have your own mind !!

So if I wanted to, I could easily walk away from these other things that cause me nothing but worry and grief but I choose not to. That's not how I want to deal with things & it's not the real me. BUT I also want all of this crap to end, the emotional blackmail, the bullshit & the uncalled for nastiness and sometimes jealousy. No more, I have allowed it to happen it's true that we teach people how to treat us. Well sorry but the game's just taken a different turn. I'm sick of giving people respect & it's not returned. I can't EVER imagine treating my own grown kids this way one day so again I've learnt what to and what not to do. It is all about respect. She has none for any of us.

If you have a negative you should turn it into a positive instead of letting it get the better of you and ruining your life. So for that I'm thankful for my experiences (and ones I've not shared yet) to show me how to embrace what is good & worth fighting for.

People do have choices, everybody has rubbish of some sort in their lives nobody has it perfect life's not like that but what happens determines on how you make YOUR choices from there on in, not running on what happened years ago & allowing that to become your future.

If you know better you do better.

See you in 2 weeks time..

So what I got out of today was that I learnt about the 'Circle Of Security' & how it's played in my mum & my relationship. And I get that. Everything else relating with my sister will only be a result of that. It's all a puzzle which will fit together once done.
In a nutshell I feel responsible for my sister when I'm not at all. So I'm going to learn how to turn that off & not let it be a worry to me when I'm not the one who caused it or living it.