Monday, May 31, 2010

Saved draft from a while ago..

May 2010

I wish I had more time on my fortnightly Tuesday morning sessions, you just begin to talk about something then something diverts from that, then so on & so on. I'm very keen for a solution but that's going to take some time.
(I was ready yesterday).

But things don't happen overnight. At least not this sort of thing that's been going on for a long time.


I feel like I didn't really get a lot from last week but it was the first after having had the initial 'history' so in my mind it feels much longer. It's been a month but feels like 2 months.


I am really looking forward to next week. She will go about giving me the tools that I need so that I can then deal with things effectively, so instead of me taking things on board I can let them go.
Most of the time these things are not mine but I end up owning them anyway, & I tend to not stick up for myself. It's bizarre really because I am a strong independant woman & I know exactly what I want & where I am going..

I almost feel squashed. I go from being ten feet tall to a cm tall.

BANG!!

Just like that. That is what I need to switch off, because I am for some reason allowing it to happen. I guess I think about not hurting their feelings, but what about mine?

My Mum treats me like a child, she actually says "You're my child". I say "No I am your daughter".

The reason I hate this so much is the derogatory tone in which she says it, she likes to think she can rule it over me and I will conform to whatever it is she wants. But again, I've allowed that to happen.

Shes got no respect for me at all, she yells and she lies are just a few things. The lies are endless.

I found out last week she feels threatened by me because unlike her, I do have it all together. Shes 50 something years old & still has no idea, and that pisses her off.



Everything was going along pretty well (my progress within myself. We had another falling out last August & I began to read a great book I could recommend to anybody that's having these sorts of problems in their life ..'Emotional Blackmail'..great book.. I did my 'homework' & got a lot out of it at the time & have now of course begun to see a psychologist.. and was going along pretty well until last night when NM rang.

And it showed me I'm obviously not done yet, nowhere near it. Not even close.

I answered & it was not long until she starts on her usual high pitched & demanding tone of why I'm ignoring her phone calls etc etc.. So I gave it to her straight. In a normal tone, no anger was there it was just straight to the point.

You asked me so here goes.


I told her I am mad at her.
"For what?" she asks with a groan thrown in for sarcasm which is pretty much how she speaks to me most times if I've had enough of her crap & make it known without saying too much. She reads me well.

"I'm mad you cheated on my Dad & all the lies you've gone on with ever since then I'm mad for ALMOST EVERYTHING".

I'll make the list now of what else I am as mad as hell about. And as time goes on as I remember, I will add to it. THIS was meant to be my 'homework' for these next 2 weeks anyway writing things down as they came to me & not thinking for one second I'd have to be actually dealing with her just yet.


*Cheated on Dad

*All the lies ever since then, and they still continue.

*Blaming me for not being close to her

(At this point I explained to her that she wasn't connected to her own mother so could not effectively give that to me & I've never felt close to her ever)

*Blames me for not letting my kids go to her.

(I told her why would WE both allow our most precious things (not that they are things)..to go be with her when i know how much damage shes done to my own siblings & myself what are you nuts? Oops I forgot yes you actually are. And in case you didn't notice, they are my husbands kids too just as much as they are my own. We tend to make joint decisions Mum).

*Blames me for pushing her away & not allowing her to come into the Birth Suite when our children were born (WTF!! that is an honour & this was our time, sorry but you had yours. Maybe had we been close it may have happened)


There are a million more things but I can't think atm.



I explained the circle of safety and how she couldn't give what she didn't have. She then opened up & told me she never felt like she 'belonged' and I do think she meant it, it's one of those rare times I can see through her soul that shes telling the truth and I see someone hurt. But on top of that are the lies, the rubbish shes gone on for so long for and now believes, the blame & the nastiness. All the stuff shes chosen. And for most part gotten away with, until now.


She changes her stories and must think that I must have been sleeping the entire time I was growing up. I was there mum I took it all in, I grew up at 10 years old overnight remember when you said Dad was going to be not coming home? Kids don't forget stuff, when you live it & the parent who is not there is constantly ostracized & brought down you don't forget that. Especially if you are a Dad's girl.

Last night she went over the line again. She said she cheated on Dad after he did it to her, so basically all these years (24 of them) I've been the stupid one, and wrongly mad at her. She said shes even had friends tell her to 'get rid of me' that I am a horrid nasty daughter.


Dad never did that.


She spun me a heap of crap last night & told me to ask Dad about it, and knowing her she'd be thinking I'd be too gutless to do that. So tonight I did, after having had a headache all day from stressing again from having to bloody talk to her & not when I was even ready!!! I rang him and he only confirmed what I already knew & that she was lying again & to not let her worry me, she can't hurt me shes only hurting herself, especially in the long run.

The thing that I can't get my head around is that I said to her last night that I want to start again, am willing to not go into the nitty gritty because I know for a fact shes not going to tell the truth. So here I am letting go and shes here bullshitting to me YET AGAIN! the entire time.

She did apologize that I felt and was responsible for my siblings from 10 years old, she seemed to know it was wrong & that because she was not there for them I had to be. I had to be their Mum.

I told her she raised me to be independent & that she certainly has done that because I do not like being told what to do at all, if someone makes me feel like an idiot or inadequate like she has my whole life i switch off. I take great offence.

I'm not an idiot & I know a lot more than I let on. Maybe it's a self preservation thing I don't know.

I told her she raised us in a clean house, always well dressed, fed but there was no emotional stuff there at all.

She saved that for herself & the constant stream of men she has had in her life. We come last. Even though she won't admit to that. Kids feel how they feel & she can't go back.

I told her every relationship shes ever had is a result of an affair, every single one of them. I told her that I think this is pretty off.

I also told her I don't feel close to her at all that I never have, but instead it is/was Grandma who was 'my mum' & that it sucked/s that shes not even here. She's my real mum who had my best interests at heart, who showed me love & made me feel safe, special & important. I've lost time with her because of what she did & I made sure she knew about that as well. The truth hurts & I never held back, she wants to know what my problem is so I told her, that it was her.

Her end of the phone was pretty quite which is a nice change.

If you're going to treat your kids in a certain manner their whole lives it's going to one day come back and bite you, and biting now it is.

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