So here I am, 34 years old & seeing a psychologist for the first time.

I'm keeping this as a journal for myself and will update it whenever I feel like it or just even when I see the psychologist which will be every couple of weeks.

I'm sure this will get a LOT harder than it was today.
I also feel I am getting this ugly thing called Anxiety under control, by not allowing negative thoughts into my mind, surrounding myself with positive words, people, music & by concentrating on our own family.

I think I'm all out of cry atm but I'm well aware it will come & when it does I have to just go with it all. I only want to have to do this once. No more mucking around.

I can't believe I've let this go for so long but better late than never. Today couldn't have come soon enough. I'd been to see someone just the one time (1 session) about 10 years ago & what was said was such a simple thing. I left there and felt stronger for it, her few simple words were all I needed at that time & it got me over that hill.
Or at least that's what I thought. I remember ringing lifeline to get advice but the problem with that was they can't really give you any, you can only 'offload'.

I've also read a lot of really good books & they've helped (I am still reading them) but sometimes things are much bigger than we are and you need someone else to step in and work out things in a different way, give you the tools that you don't have.

And recent events has shown that this is too big for me I'm in way over my head & I can't switch off.


An hour is not really long enough to get your life story out but at least shes got a good idea and we have something to base all of this stuff on.

Basically I can't deal with my sister upping & leaving her 2 young kids. And then wanting my support. Which i can't give it's like asking me to cut off my left arm.Not gonna happen. And what shes done has gone back to what our Mother did a long time ago & it's left me too involved and subsequently with anxiety & stress that I don't know how to deal with, it's never been dealt with at all.It's too big it's too close to home. I don't feel close at all to my mum I actually feel nothing but I do love her, it doesn't make a lot of sense really but I do feel controlled by her & am not doing things out of guilt anymore but those feelings are still obviously there.


Another reason is that a lot of times, been mum to my younger siblings. So more emotionally involved than I should have ever been especially for someone who was between the ages of 10 to 14 years old myself . Having said that, I consider myself to be the lucky one out of us all and saw things & made choices at a really young age of making sure I'd one day not repeat the same mistakes I saw other people make.

Funnily enough at the time I liked 'being there' for them both, and actually liked that Mum wasn't there. There was a sense of peace & calm. We were all pretty happy.

But it's a lot of responsibility. There is also a lot more I need to deal with and let go.


So today we went back to the beginning, to my childhood, to my parents (and I don't have an issue with my Dad it's only my mum).. I went to my mums childhood & I already knew of something that made certain things make sense but there was one thing I didn't realize.
My mum never had that secure base with her own mother,it's called 'The Circle of Security' which is the parent attending to the childs needs which is a secure base and a secure haven. which in turn switched 'off' her capability to give that 18 years later to me.



Because you can't give what you don't have. (Dr Phil!♥)

We are not close we never have been. She never had that safety net with her own mum because her own Mother had 3 small children all under the age of 3. So mum went to live with her Grandparents who from what I've been told adored her, loved etc, provided her with anything at all she needed but in in the back of her mind she was abandoned by her own parents. It was to give her a life that her own mum couldn't. She could'nt cope.
I don't call her Mum my Grandparent though & I've never thought of her as a Grandparent because I never knew her so there is no attachment there of any sort. Shes just 'mums mum' and always has & will be & that is how I've always described her.

My mum didn't really have a good Dad, he was off doing his own thing, and her whole life even up until when he died 3 years ago, she had nothing to do with him. She did meet him once not long before he died but she on the whole ignored him. I could have met him as well but I chose not to, I didn't want to be disloyal to my own Grandpop who is all I've ever known.


She has told me countless times had I been born a boy she was not bringing me home from hospital & she was serious every time she said it. I remember trying to make light of the conversation once .. "Oh well Dad would have brought me home".

Horrible things to say to someone you're supposed to love but she says/believes it. I shouldn't even laugh there's nothing laughable in that but that's what you do.


I spent a lot of time at my Grandparents house & I know without a doubt that she is the one who I bonded with & who I learnt things from and gave me my strength that I have today and who's always been there for me in my life, even when she died from cancer when I was 16 I'd hope & sometimes sensed that she was still around. She loved me like nothing else even existed, the same love she gave to my dad she had years later for me. I feel blessed to have had her and thank God for that but I do feel ripped off that shes gone but my mum's still here. What an awful thing to say but I've thought it.

It's not fair that i missed out on time from her because of my mum being 'unsavoury' and sleeping around on my Dad and then us moving 3 hours away to 'start afresh'. That was just another thing mum did wrong. Just another 'thing' to add to the already long list.

She ended up doing it again anyway. And again and again. In fact all of her major relationships were from her having affairs and breaking up marriages, it's nothing to be proud of.But she doesn't/didn't seem to care.

Uuggh.

So basically, I never bonded with my own Mother but instead with my Grandma. My sister  learnt a lot from mum & she was the one who spent her time with her & she seems to be the one who has copied her. Cheated on her family and put guys before her own children. But either of them see it that way when the rest of the world can. Respect is what I've lost for both of them, I love them but there is nothing to respect, how can I?


So here I'm watching my 2 nieces through my own eyes but as a 10 year old girl & I can't separate from that, nor can I accept or deal with it. And all I hear is that the girls are alright, on the surface of course they are but emotionally they're cracking. I'm not talking to my mum or my sister either because I can't deal with it.All of this shits their fault. & my life is better, calm and peaceful when they're not in it. But I love them both & want this sorted out. She did say I seemed angry at my Mum today & shes probably right.I am mad but mad gets me nowhere.


So that's all we got to talk about today and I am looking forward to the next time, it can't come soon enough I could have talked for another 3 hours. I wish that all mothers could get that help much sooner if they do feel like this towards their babies, to give them that 'Circle of Security' that I didn't get, that she didn't get. Don't repeat it, don't let it go through generations of kids in your/our families it only creates a lifetime of hurt and anger.

My mum and I are dis-attached. I knew that already.

I can see that my mum had no idea, even now I don't think she does it seems to be the sort of person she is or has become. Still it does make me sad for her and for me (way back then) but It's good to know because I think for me to ever forgive her and to move on I need to go right back to the start and see things from a different angle. I might not like it & it's wrong I even have to be doing this when she/they caused it. I had no part of it but I'm the one bothered by it all.

When I put all of this aside, at the end of the day I have 3 happy & healthy beautiful children as well as my self respect, & I sleep soundly at night. Not to mention an amazing husband who gives as much as I do to all of our lives & also to our marriage. We're in this together, for the long haul. It's always been that way. I've been blessed in lots of ways & I'm thankful for all of it everyday.
He is always saying he is lucky, I think we both are & we've come full circle.

My life is extraordinarily good.
Because we make it that way.

And it drives me insane that they say that "You have it all blah blah blah"
Yeah well that's kinda what happens when you have your head on right and make good decisions and learn from ones that were not so good. You do have your own mind !!


So if I wanted to, I could easily walk away from these other things that cause me nothing but worry and grief but I choose not to. That's not how I want to deal with things & it's not the real me. BUT I also want all of this crap to end, the emotional blackmail, the bullshit & the uncalled for nastiness and sometimes jealousy. No more, I have allowed it to happen it's true that we teach people how to treat us. Well sorry but the game's just taken a different turn. I'm sick of giving people respect & it's not returned. I can't EVER imagine treating my own grown kids this way one day so again I've learnt what to and what not to do. It is all about respect. She has none for any of us.



If you have a negative you should turn it into a positive instead of letting it get the better of you and ruining your life. So for that I'm thankful for my experiences (and ones I've not shared yet) to show me how to embrace what is good & worth fighting for.




People do have choices, everybody has rubbish of some sort in their lives nobody has it perfect life's not like that but what happens determines on how you make YOUR choices from there on in, not running on what happened years ago & allowing that to become your future.



If you know better you do better.

See you in 2 weeks time..


P.S.
So what I got out of today was that I learnt about the 'Circle Of Security' & how it's played in my mum & my relationship. And I get that. Everything else relating with my sister will only be a result of that. It's all a puzzle which will fit together once done.
In a nutshell I feel responsible for my sister when I'm not at all. So I'm going to learn how to turn that off & not let it be a worry to me when I'm not the one who caused it or living it.