My last blog post:( I'd forgotten about posting that. I'm not sure what to say or how to say it even though I've been doing it all week but my sisters cancer is non curable:(. I've had a week tonight to digest this & even saying this, is somehow still surreal. A lot has happened in this past week. Dad rang last Thursday night and I knew something was wrong because of the seriousness of his voice, Dad's not like that he's usually a goof ball. I knew it was the day she was getting the results but I was totally unexpecting to hear the worst, thinking instead, hoping that if worse it had gone to her bones but they could still treat this. I now know that still wasn't a good option but what your mind wants to tell you, well is not easy & sometimes you listen to this because it's all you have.
The cancer has spread to her lungs. In that split second I heard the words "It's in her lungs" time stood still, this was not what I wanted to hear & I backed up into the corner of the kitchen bench and just stood there looking horrified and not knowing what to do next. What to say, how to feel. My little sister is not going to be able to be cured. I'm going to lose my sister.
I went to see her on Sunday and we picked up where we left off..but as if nothing has ever happened. No cancer, no not speaking, no fighting, nothing at all wrong. It was amazing really that we were able to just be sisters, and I think we were and still are both thankful. I've had to keep busy all week mentally as well as emotionally. I need to keep strong for her but also I know I am already beginning to grieve what we won't have. I cannot still believe this is happening, if I slow down long enough it starts to creep back in so up goes the face, keeping it straight and to be completely honest I've acted the goat because it's the opposite to how I am really feeling. My heart is broken.
She seems healthy. To look at her you'd not know there is something horribly wrong & I'm not sure if that is hard or not. I think for now it's a blessing and for her too. I don't know how she's doing this, how she gets up everyday and is able to do what she is doing. Put's a smile on her face.
It's all a bad dream. How do you live without your sister? 31 and 35 years old, what do you do? what do you say when shes having a really bad day which will come if not already, what do you say when there's nothing left to say when there are no words left? How do you say "it will be alright" when in your heart you know that's not true. My little sister has stage 4 cancer. how did we get here? I don't know the answer to that.
Just Pray pray pray....