Saturday, June 25, 2011


My sister & I have been talking on and off over the past few weeks..she's moved back up here and living in Mums empty house.. so far we appear to be getting along, her cancer is still being treated and everybody is hoping that it's not spread to her bones but it's something else that is showing up in scans that can be explained.
I go from moments of being in denial to "it's ok things will be ok". But if it were someone else we were talking about I'd say "This isn't a good situation at all". But when it is your own family your own sister your mind tends to not want to accept these types of conversations that go on within your mind.
To be honest I don't know what to think, what does a 50/50 survival rate over the next 5 years actually mean? I have talked to my psychologist on the phone, to get guidance I suppose, for someone to tell me it's going to be ok but she can't do that she can't tell me what is going to happen. I think I know this deep down too but need reassurance. She's become my safety net but this time she can't do a thing.

Last night my sister friend requested me on facebook & I accepted, I did think about it myself earlier but left it at that.. The tumour itself is gone but the dark lesions/shadows spots whatever they are are there & one has grown in size. Please keep her in your prayers/thoughts that whatever it is can be treated & that this is just a stepping stone that she will be able to one day look back on & know she has the rest of her life to look forward to.

There's nothin like..

being a bit slack & putting a blog post off..No really, my family and I have been sick with the dreaded cold but now seem to be on the mend & feeling MUCH better now. So I never came back to this post although at times I did think about it but didn't want to go into that mental mind space while my body felt so crappy and out of sorts. And why add to my own suffering with added emotional angst? No thanks. I am posting now though & don't even feel bothered I am switched off to it, maybe it's because I am not in an emotional place right now or maybe it's the fact that throughout the week I reached another milestone within myself & am feeling more & more as time goes on, ready to cut my mother out of my life completely. The only thing that stops me now are nieces and my will be at birthdays and so on that she will be there & I don't want that uncomfortable feeling nor do I want her to use those opportunities as attacking platforms. If anybody has successfully done this, please fill me in!!

So it's 1976 & it's my first birthday. My mum makes me the cutest hedgehog cake for my first birthday. I've seen pictures of it, old slides & the picture (if you didn't know her now) looks like the happy family photo that I wish that I had. Dad, Mum & me~ just a happy family & their baby turning 1.

So when our first baby was turning 1 in 1996, it was my Mother who said "Why don't you make him a hedgehog cake like I made for you?" ~ she then offered to make it & I was rather excited that my baby boy was going to have the same cute birthday cake that I had for my first birthday & even nicer was that my mum was going to make this for him. I went & bought all the stuff, the almonds to make the quills it was all there ready for her to make it. And then she didn't do it.

She was "too busy", too preoccupied with her own life & self and her new boyfriends (who was to be husband #3)'s mum. She clearly came before me in many occasions but this time it really hurt. She told me last minute it may have even been that day & disappointment was an understatement. He ended up having this little white cake with blue icing piped around top, it was simple but sweet for a first birthday cake. Mum picked that up on her way to the party from Coles. Why did she do this? I know why and when I saw the same cake last week it felt like someone had ripped my heart out all over again. So simple but so heavy. I've never asked for her help ever again.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

There is nothing like a 3d hedgehog cake in Coles to almost bawl your eyes out while doing the groceries is there.. more later when I get home

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Black Swan

We watched this last night & it is definitely a psychological thriller as stated on the dvd box.

It's basically about a young woman who lives with her narcisstic mother but in the end loses herself..we kinda looked at each-other at the end it was all a bit "What the??"

There’s definite mental abuse that Nina (Natalie Portman) has to go through everyday with a Mother that is very intrusive. The mother is quite crazy and unstable at times, like the time when she’s about to throw the cake in trash. (We both looked at each-other & said "that's your/Mum!").. And then Nina pretends to be someone she doesn’t wanna be just to calm her down~ BEEN THERE DONE THAT.

Another time when the mum loses it is just before Mila Kunis visits Nina’s apartment. The mum’s all like "Hows your back? Take off your shirt" etc. Nina dislikes herself so she self harms (never been there thankfully!!). The Mum is also very intrusive and gives no privacy to Nina. Because of the stress at home and at work, Nina starts to lose it in the real world. She becomes recluse and distant with other people even when they’re perfectly nice to her, she starts to go crazy within her head.

1) it is tragic that she was abused and oppressed. 2) the film is a tragedy because she passed away at the moment that she seemed to break free. Maybe she was finally ready to begin healing after, “reaching perfection”. Or maybe madness had then completely confounded her.

When the costume lady is doing the final fitting. She doesn’t see the scratches on her back. I don't know why this upset me afterwards. Probably cause its how it is. Nobody wants to see it- nobody acknowledges what’s happening. Its as if she is invisible. She really isn’t important.

Good movie do see it! But be prepared for it to not make any sense in some parts until afterwards you've finished watching it & you can go over it again in your own mind. Some of the above I have copied & pasted because I simply can't convey the movie myself to make sense. That & it's easier (haha)!

Sunday, June 12, 2011

The final part of this book: Living backwards.

Adult children of borderline mothers must return to the past for the sake of their future. The last half of their lives can become the best half if they disinter the real self & rediscover their lost exuberance, their own free will & their uninhibited creative self. Many adult children who enter into therapy report disturbing dreams of returning to high school, feeling ashamed to be middle-aged & having to catch up on something they missed learning. In these dreams they report feeling angry, resentful & embarrassed that no one had given them proper instructions or clearly explained the assignment. They unconsciously know that they were not adequately prepared for separation & individuation. Their anxiety focuses on not knowing what to do, feeling lost & left behind.

Therapy is the only course to take, No greater gift exists than a life of unrestrained love & joy. The relationship between therapist & patient provides the diploma needed to graduate to a brighter world...

Saturday, June 11, 2011

When I post in my blog I re-live it, in my mind and in my body . It takes me back there & right now I feel that familiar inner turmoil the cloud of anxiety in my chest & my heart is racing. I know that in less than 3 minutes I will close the laptop & go & prepare dinner & that 'little girl' will go away. This is something that i need to do for not only her but for myself & even if it makes me uncomfortable I still embrace it. I want her to live in the light like I do now, to try to put the negative parts behind her & allow the warmth (and there was plenty of it) only surround her. Just me & her walking forward holding hands & trying to get her to see she's safe now because I'm here to take care of her..I am nurturing & mothering myself & she & I both deserve it ~ I can also honestly say that she's not there yet but shes on the right path & the path that we are on is not only strong but it looks bright ☼...

The final chapter: Living Backwards (Understanding the Borderline Mother)

But you know she loves you...

When the good mother within the borderline holds & comforts her young child, the child's well-being is temporarily restored. Darkness within the mother, the self & the universe becomes light. The chaos is organized. When the storm has passed it makes no difference to the young child who is simply grateful to return to the mother's arms. From there, the small child sees for the moment, that the world is good. Unfortunately the good mother is a fleeting ego-state, & the storm inevitably returns. By the time her children grow up, they may fear the good mother because chaos always returns.

Young children have no choice but to tolerate mistreatment by adults. Some else must notice. Someone else must help.

However, children are told they are lucky to have a mother..and that they are also lucky that they have a mother that loves them & that "that's just the way she is"..."She didn't mean it"...or "She can't help it" if children should just ignore their own intuition that tells them that they have been hurt. These messages not only encourage repression of legitimate anger & pain, but also lead children to believe that their mother's behavior is acceptable. Tolerating inappropriate behavior or abusive behavior requires the betrayal of the self, Young children have no choice, but grown children do have a choice.

When grown children tolerate abuse, they reenact the sacrifice of the self. Hopefully they will never expect their own children to tolerate cruelty, deception or mistreatment.Something is wrong if we fear the person who loves us. Anyone who encourages us to trust a person we fear does not have our best interests at heart.

Loving parents... should want to find out what they are unconsciously doing to their children. If they simply avoid the subject & instead point to their parental love, then they are not really concerned about their children's well-being but rather are painstakingly trying to keep a clear conscience.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Living with the witch without becoming her victim

I have been wicked in my day, but I never thought a little girl like you would ever be able to melt me & end my wicked deeds.

L. Frank Baum
-The Wizard of Oz

The Witches children may feel disconnected from life, internally dead, "trapped in a world of total domination, a world hostile to life & any sign of dignity or resistance". The human spirit does not die as easily as the body. It shrivels slowly, like a plant deprived of water, & eventually succumbs from a "relentless assault on the survivor's sense of purity & worth".. The body becomes a cumbersome shell, the mind a wasteland, the eyes a mirror reflecting the vanishing will. The human being becomes a human doing; the being no longer exists.

Therapists work desperately to rescue children held captive by Witch Mothers. Although the witch may only appear for only a moment before the good mother returns, children glimpse their absolute helplessness & the futility of escape. The therapist becomes a lifeline for children to hold onto while the sand runs out of the hourglass. Time, eventually will set them free. When they grow up they can get away on their own..or if they are adults already like me..they go about learning how to set themselves free..a part of themselves the part that is locked away that nobody but them can see is finally set free.

Surviving The Witch

Although the witch is capable of evoking murderous rage, the key to survival lies in disarming, not attacking her. Attacking her only provokes her to further retaliation. Killing the witch did nothing to help Dorothy get back to Kansas. She won her freedom from the Land Of Oz by using power she already possessed. Like Dorothy, the witches adult children must free themselves by using the power they already possess.

Like a snake she strikes when she is confronted or cornered. The witch within the Queen may emerge when she feels controlled or when others fail to admire her or treat her as special.

A social worker in a pediatric hospital was called to observe the mother of a newborn in intensive care. The baby experienced inexplicable episodes of apnea that occurred only during the mother's presence. After close observation, the social worker suspected that the mother was deliberately smothering the infant with her breasts while nursing. Although the case was reported to child abuse authorities, the child remained in the mother's custody. Five years later the mother was convicted of killing the child by injecting her antipsychotic medication into the child's intravenous line. This 5 year-old-child had lived her entire life with a mother who was trying to kill her. SUCH CHILDREN CANNOT BE SAVED IF OTHERS BELIEVE THAT WITCHES ONLY EXIST IN FAIRY TALES.

Keep a safe distance.Surviving the Witch requires getting away. Only adult children have the power to decide how much contact they want with their mother. Some of them will not be able to tolerate her voice, or a conversation with their mother. Nor the sight of her without feeling intense rage or disgust. The feelings that adult children have toward Witch mothers are intense & sometimes unmanageable. Personal limits must be respected, particularly in terms of safety.

Keeping a safe distance from one's mother may mean not being alone with her. The presence of another person can reduce the possibility of attack by the Witch or by the adult child. Shit that's us & I've said this myself before & I will not be alone with her ever~ at all.

Disengage from conflict. The Witches hostility can trigger volatile arguments between her & her children. Adult children must disengage from conflict as soon as it erupts. Ending a discussion when her words become hauty, or sharp or her heart turns cold is essential. A verbal attack by the Witch evokes an instantaneous visceral response of feeling sick to the stomach, an indication of the power of her venom. Although she may state "You make me sick", the Witches words make others sick. Adult children have one option: not reacting to her attempts at provocation & leaving. The Witch mother often uses threats to control adult children.

Never try to control her.Disaster is certain to follow any attempt to control the Witch. One patient recommended that her mother take medication to reduce her anxiety. The patients mother felt controlled by the mere suggestion that she needed help & told the patient, "You're the one who needs medication!". The Witches children need to respond to her domination with firm resistance. Adults must not submit to the Witch's demands & should exert control only over their own behavior. Domination is the imposistion of one's will on another. Firmness expresses the conviction of one's own will.

Cleanse the body & soul with love & goodness. The antidote for exposure to malignant denigration is to surround oneself with goodness, light & love. Adult children must counteract the effects of the Witch's verbal venom by self-soothing, caressing the spirit, holding the self greatly in the light, bathing the self in the friendship of those who love the real self, with the response of a loving dog or cat, by the warmth of one's own fireplace, a cup of tea or a warm bath.

Do no harm. Power possessed by adult children threatens the Witch's control.

An attractive young patient had plunged into despair following a conversation with her mother, who had called her a slut. During the session, a smile emerged through her tears as she discounted the ludicrous charge yet she could not shake off the feeling of being soiled. "I feel like I am 4 years old again, when my mother said she'd be better off without me," she explained. This talented young woman, a caring mother with 2 young children was an accountant. The more successful she became however the more her mother needed to degrade her. Rather than retaliate, the patient decided to take a short trip to visit a friend. She reminded herself how grateful she is to be grown up and to have the power to get away from denigration.

When it is clear the the Witch's hostility is escalating, it is time to disengage. If she is successful in provoking others to attack, she accomplishes her goal. If her hostility is ignored or tolerated it will continue and possibly escalate. The Witch will throw every emotional stone she can find in the attempt to provoke others. One mother hissed: "You will never hear the end of this" as her daughter calmly walked out the door. The Witch's words were alarming, designed to evoke fear, uncertainty & apprehension. But she is powerless over adults who use their power to disappear.
The convictions to do no harm allows one to maintain a sense of basic goodness. Without this conviction, adult children can be provoked to respond to the Witch's hostile projections. Acts of vindictiveness, retaliation, and revenge fuel the Witch's control.

This next paragraph is what I need to remember the most strongly at this point in time, after 12 months of therapy I still can't 'forgive' her, I'm still too angry & locked up inside.. however I do understand a lot now but it still doesn't fix things ... The single most powerful human is the one who masters the talionic impulse: the need for revenge. "..that deepest and most ancient of human impulses to exact revenge by taking pleasure in inflicting on others the hurt one has experienced.."

The Witch's children must demonstrate their greater power by mastering the need for revenge. Retaliation is unrestrained instinct & requires no strength of character. The Witch is trapped within her self-constructed cage of "self-hatred". Inflicting pain on such a tortured soul is pointless. Her children must transcend their hatred by holding on to the belief in their own goodness. Children who seek to revenge destroy their good selves.

Step 1: Confirm Separateness:Create distance

The Witches adult children need to create distance in 3 separate realms of their being: spiritually, physically & emotionally. Adult children can create spiritual distance with their own goodness. Children of borderline Witch's must think of their own future, of the long term consequences of acting on retaliatory impulses. They must, therefore, stand in the light of their own basic goodness, displaying strength & character by doing no harm.

Creating physical distance sends the clear message "I am separate". Power lies in what the Witch's adult children do, not in what they say. "I am" statements are likely to be ridiculed by the Witch or used to provoke the child. Being different from the Witch, being separate means not internalizing her rage, hatred, vindictiveness and need for retaliation. Separation requires the ability to walk away or to ask the Witch to leave.

Adult children can create emotional distance by not confiding in the Witch. No one should trust a Witch. The Witch uses the words of others in order to beguile & control. Many adult female children create emotional distance by avoiding being like the Witch in any way. They despise those parts of themselves that remind them of her. They may undergo cosmetic surgery to change physical features that remind them of their mother & may avoid becoming a mother at all. The word "mother" may mean "witch" to the Witch's children.

Step 2: Create Structure:Zero Tolerance

Structuring a relationship with the Witch requires one basic requirement: zero tolerance. When the Witch appears, the adult child must leave, hang up, terminate the interaction. No borderline mother is always a Witch & some borderline mothers are never Witches. But when the witch appears adult children must distance themselves immediately & completely. They must have a plan so they are not caught off guard, trapped or cornered with her. By removing one's self, this simple step in the single most affective way of disarming the Witch, but many adult children are afraid to take such a stand.

Adult children who cannot permit themselves to leave when they feel hurt or endangered must acknowledge that their behavior says "You can hurt me". The words "I will leave, I will protect myself, I will take care of myself" must be enacted, not spoken to the Witch.

Open ended situations allow children of Witches to control interactions. When making plans with their mother adult children can protect themselves by saying, "I haven't decided how long I'm going to stay". They must have the ability to get away in case the Witch appears. They need to drive their own car & should never plan to ride with someone else. They must make it clear that they will come & go as they please. They should keep visits brief & avoid discussion of controversial topics. They should avoid being alone with their mother.

Structuring a relationship with the Witch requires being alert to signs of her emergence from the good mother. The Witch's adult children need to trust their intuition, not their mother.

Step 3: Clarifying consequences: With Actions, not Words.

Then, being at last free to do as she chose, she ran out to the courtyard to tell the Lion that the Wicked Witch of the West had come to an end, & that they were no longer prisoners in a strange land. -The Wizard Of Oz

Being an adult means being FREE to do as one chooses, accepting the consequences for one's behavior & responding with consequences when one's personal limits are violated. Consequences teach others to respect personal limits. The first rule for interacting with the Witch concerns safety, hers as well as her child's. Adult children confirm separateness from the Witch by creating distance whenever they feel threatened, provoked or unsafe. The consequence for behavior that threatens the safety of others is to create distance. Secondly, the Witch can be disarmed by not responding to provocations, threats, emotional set-ups, or traps. The adult child can control what type of info is shared, how much time is spent together & how much closeness will be tolerated. That's funny because really there is none. I don't tell her anything personal, I don't visit her really and I also don't give or ask for any closeness. Why? because I don't trust her. An adult patient & his siblings dreaded celebrating holidays at their mother's home where they felt trapped, once again, with their Witch mother. When these middle-aged children suggested celebrating Thanksgiving at the patients home, their mother snapped "You're full of shit!" & ending the conversation starting "Fuck thanksgiving & fuck you!" Although her children were well respected professionals, they struggled with feelings of guilt, and anxiety, expecting to be punished for expressing their feelings.
Nevertheless, they celebrated Thanksgiving without their mother, recognizing it was her choice t not attend.

In order for adult children to survive the Witch, they must fight hatred as well as fear. The Witch's child can only stop hating through the experience of being loved. A therapeutic relationship, a surrogate parent, a relationship with an adult who believes in the child's goodness & worth are the only experiences that can mitigate hatred. The tiniest stream of light, of love, can revive a weary spirit, because the Witch's children, like all captives survive on HOPE♥

Reflecting on their childhood, adult children of borderline Witches feel as though they passed through Dante's gates of hell, over which was written, "Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter Here" Cruelty endured from one's mother is unlike any other. The child may repress rage, direct it at the self, or direct it as those who represent the mother. Frequently internalized rage takes a toll on the childs body, possibly contributing to autoimmune disorders & other physical ailments.

The truth about our childhood is stored up in our body, & although we can repress it, we can never alter it. Our intellect can be deceived, our feelings manipulated, our perceptions confused & our body tricked with medication. But someday the body will present it's bill, for it is incorruptible as a child who still whole in spirit, will accept no compromises or excuses & it will not stop tormenting us until we stop evading the truth.

The body speaks for the soul if the soul does not find a voice. Survivors cannot be silenced. A concentration camp survivor (Des Pres 1976) revealed in his journal, "I dare not hope I shall live through this period, but I must work as though my words will come through"..

Auschwitz survivor Primo Levi (1989) recalled that "Those who experienced imprisonment . . . are divided into two distinct categories. . . those who remain silent & those who speak. . . those remain silent who feel more deeply that sense of malaise which I for simplicity's sake call "shame,". . . The others speak. . . because. . . they perceive . . . the center of their life, the event that for good or evil has marked their entire existence."

Pain that is expressed, heard & believed is not experienced in vain. Pain that is heard can then be tolerated and healed.

The Witch's children grow up. They learn to speak; they remember the truth. Some may remain silent forever, protecting themselves from the unendurable horror of telling the truth that no one believes. Those who speak find that very few people are prepared to hear what they have to say.

Finally I can see you crystal clear

Loving the Queen without becoming her subject

The Queen's argument was that, if something wasn't done about it in less than no time, she'd have everybody executed, all round.
-Alice's Adventures in Wonderland

"When she doesn't get her way, heads roll. She is competitive, domineering, greedy & jealous".

♠It's never enough. Let her rule her life, not yours. The Queens adult children cannot fill their mother's insatiable need for attention or admiration. They cannot compensate for what she did not receive as a child. They cannot please her, control her or change her. They can however change how they respond to her.

Say "no" with your actions, not just with words". She won't take no for an answer. The Queen learned that being demanding eventually evoked compliance from others. One Queen mother acknowledged her pride in her ability to "manipulate people". Emotional manipulation is the Queen's specialty & provides self-esteem & security. Saying no to the Queen therefore, is essential for adult children who need to protect their own well-being, emotional energy & possibly their financial resources.

Be wary with gifts with strings attached. The Queen can be extraordinarily intrusive imposing her tastes, values & preferences onto her adult children & their spouses. An adult child reported that she came home from work one day to discover that her mother had let herself into her home & rearranged her furniture. The strange combination of the Queen's extravagant gifts & her inability to give what is actually needed reflects her own longing to be indulged. Others feel embarrassed for her.

"I don't believe her". Search for the kernel of truth. Queen Mothers can manipulate their children by ploys for attention through reports of illness or accidents & unless you can verify the facts you may not know how to respond appropriately Adult children need to speak to the physician, ask for copies of medical reports or tests & point out inconsistencies. No matter how offended their mother may be, adult children must have access to accurate information regarding matters of health & safety. Without verification through medical reports, the Queen's adult children are not likely to know the truth about their mother's health.

"I'm tired of being enlisted in her battles". Choose your own battles. The Queen mother instigates chaos & conflict & then enlists her children to fight the ensuing battles. Divorces inevitably pull children in half, tearing their love & loyalty to their parents apart. Adult children must refuse to enlist in the Queens army. Claims of mistreatment & threats of retaliation such as threatening lawsuits are common for borderline Queens. They will organize factions & dominate groups either with her fury or with deliberate embellished stories designed to win allegiance to her cause. She cannot rest until she wins. She will even remain bitter & jealous of her adult children's relationships with their adult father whom she divorced from many years earlier.

"I am tired of being controlled". Just say no. The Queen mother treats her children either like subjects or like objects to be used or admired. Loving the Queen mother requires that adult children embrace their power & use it only to protect themselves. The Queens children can be exploited if they cannot say no. Saying no to the Queen however is extremely difficult, even for those who are not her children. It can take years for adult children to have the courage to tell a Queen mother the truth about how they feel.Like being run over by a semi-trailer truck, they feel flattened so quickly that it is difficult to think what to say.For the first time in her life she exploded...(me) I told my mother last May how i really felt about her & I think it just went in one ear & out the other. Despite this, I feel that I have grown as an adult in our relationship (or lack of) and am no longer that little kid who is dominated by that crippling fear of her. She still tries her best to put me in my place like she always has but I've changed & it's different for me now.. she tries mostly in the form of tantrums and nasty words. I do not regret saying what i said for one second & it was a long time coming..26 years to be exact...

At some point in their lives, her adult children must tell their mother the truth about how they feel. When adult children finally find the courage to tell their mother the truth about their feelings they no longer feel like children.

"It's always about her". What about you? The Queen regards inconvenience as an injustice & can seem oblivious to the needs of others. Her circumstances feels uniquely painful, singularly upsetting & particularly unfair. Her adult children need to protect themselves from inappropriate pleas for sympathy or special treatment.


The Queen conditions her children to respond to her needs. The behavior of young children universally reflects their feeling that they would do anything to win their mother's love. Only adult children have the opportunity to separate the needs & desires from the Queen's. Submitting to the Queens relentless demands requires relinquishing the self & jeopardizes the child's mental health.

Through therapy, the Queen's adult children can uncover the unexpressed real self hidden beneath the Queen's mirror. Without treatment adult children may continue to feel empty & inadequate , depressed & hopeless. Adult children must learn to mirror their true selves instead of the Queen's.

What I need to do now...

Step 1: Confirm Separateness..."I am...."

"My mother was disappointed when I was born because I had my father's features. It's been a battle ever since. I've spent so much of my life trying not to be like her that I have no idea of who I am.."

Step 2: Create Structure: "I will...."

"There are many ways that she can get to me. I never tell her what I'm thinking or feeling because I don't want her to see the real me. It's the only way I can have some control."

**I am the master of myself. I will do what is right & good for me. I won't allow others to control me.**

Step 3: Clarify Consequences: "I won't..."

"I won't lose myself ever again. I've worked too hard to get where I am & I finally feel entitled to my own life. My husband & children are entitled to my emotional energy - not my mother!"

Mother I am too tired at night to talk on the phone, & I do not

want to talk to you when you've been drinking.

IF you call me after 10:00 pm I will not answer

the phone.

If you call me when you're drunk, I will simply

hang up.

There's no point in having conversations

You don't remember.

Variations in Maternal Fuctioning

The ideal Mother The borderline Mother

1.Comforts her child 1.Confuses her child

2. Apologizes for inappropriate 2.Does not apologize or remember
behavior inappropriate behavior

3.Takes care of herself 3.Expects to be taken care of

4.Encourages independence in 4.Punishes or discourages independence
her children

5. Is proud of her children's 5.Envies, ignores or demeans her children
accomplishments & their accomplishments

6.Builds her children's 6. Destroys, denigrates or undermines self
self-esteem esteem

7. Responds to her children's 7.Expects children to respond to her needs
changing needs

8.Calms & comforts her children 8.Frightens & upsets her children

9.Disciplines with logical & 9.Disciplines inconsistently or punitively
natural consequences

10.Expects that her children will 10.Feels left out, jealous or resentful if the
be loved by others child is loved by someone else

11.Never threatens abandonment 11.Uses threats of abandonment (or actual
abandonment) to punish the child

12.Believes in her children's 12.Does not believe in her children's basic
basic goodness goodness

13.Trusts her children 13.Does not trust her children