The Queen's argument was that, if something wasn't done about it in less than no time, she'd have everybody executed, all round.
-Alice's Adventures in Wonderland
"When she doesn't get her way, heads roll. She is competitive, domineering, greedy & jealous".
♠It's never enough. Let her rule her life, not yours. The Queens adult children cannot fill their mother's insatiable need for attention or admiration. They cannot compensate for what she did not receive as a child. They cannot please her, control her or change her. They can however change how they respond to her.
Say "no" with your actions, not just with words". She won't take no for an answer. The Queen learned that being demanding eventually evoked compliance from others. One Queen mother acknowledged her pride in her ability to "manipulate people". Emotional manipulation is the Queen's specialty & provides self-esteem & security. Saying no to the Queen therefore, is essential for adult children who need to protect their own well-being, emotional energy & possibly their financial resources.
Be wary with gifts with strings attached. The Queen can be extraordinarily intrusive imposing her tastes, values & preferences onto her adult children & their spouses. An adult child reported that she came home from work one day to discover that her mother had let herself into her home & rearranged her furniture. The strange combination of the Queen's extravagant gifts & her inability to give what is actually needed reflects her own longing to be indulged. Others feel embarrassed for her.
"I don't believe her". Search for the kernel of truth. Queen Mothers can manipulate their children by ploys for attention through reports of illness or accidents & unless you can verify the facts you may not know how to respond appropriately Adult children need to speak to the physician, ask for copies of medical reports or tests & point out inconsistencies. No matter how offended their mother may be, adult children must have access to accurate information regarding matters of health & safety. Without verification through medical reports, the Queen's adult children are not likely to know the truth about their mother's health.
"I'm tired of being enlisted in her battles". Choose your own battles. The Queen mother instigates chaos & conflict & then enlists her children to fight the ensuing battles. Divorces inevitably pull children in half, tearing their love & loyalty to their parents apart. Adult children must refuse to enlist in the Queens army. Claims of mistreatment & threats of retaliation such as threatening lawsuits are common for borderline Queens. They will organize factions & dominate groups either with her fury or with deliberate embellished stories designed to win allegiance to her cause. She cannot rest until she wins. She will even remain bitter & jealous of her adult children's relationships with their adult father whom she divorced from many years earlier.
"I am tired of being controlled". Just say no. The Queen mother treats her children either like subjects or like objects to be used or admired. Loving the Queen mother requires that adult children embrace their power & use it only to protect themselves. The Queens children can be exploited if they cannot say no. Saying no to the Queen however is extremely difficult, even for those who are not her children. It can take years for adult children to have the courage to tell a Queen mother the truth about how they feel.Like being run over by a semi-trailer truck, they feel flattened so quickly that it is difficult to think what to say.For the first time in her life she exploded...(me) I told my mother last May how i really felt about her & I think it just went in one ear & out the other. Despite this, I feel that I have grown as an adult in our relationship (or lack of) and am no longer that little kid who is dominated by that crippling fear of her. She still tries her best to put me in my place like she always has but I've changed & it's different for me now.. she tries mostly in the form of tantrums and nasty words. I do not regret saying what i said for one second & it was a long time coming..26 years to be exact...
At some point in their lives, her adult children must tell their mother the truth about how they feel. When adult children finally find the courage to tell their mother the truth about their feelings they no longer feel like children.
"It's always about her". What about you? The Queen regards inconvenience as an injustice & can seem oblivious to the needs of others. Her circumstances feels uniquely painful, singularly upsetting & particularly unfair. Her adult children need to protect themselves from inappropriate pleas for sympathy or special treatment.
Step 3: Clarify Consequences: "I won't..."
"I won't lose myself ever again. I've worked too hard to get where I am & I finally feel entitled to my own life. My husband & children are entitled to my emotional energy - not my mother!"
♠It's never enough. Let her rule her life, not yours. The Queens adult children cannot fill their mother's insatiable need for attention or admiration. They cannot compensate for what she did not receive as a child. They cannot please her, control her or change her. They can however change how they respond to her.
Say "no" with your actions, not just with words". She won't take no for an answer. The Queen learned that being demanding eventually evoked compliance from others. One Queen mother acknowledged her pride in her ability to "manipulate people". Emotional manipulation is the Queen's specialty & provides self-esteem & security. Saying no to the Queen therefore, is essential for adult children who need to protect their own well-being, emotional energy & possibly their financial resources.
Be wary with gifts with strings attached. The Queen can be extraordinarily intrusive imposing her tastes, values & preferences onto her adult children & their spouses. An adult child reported that she came home from work one day to discover that her mother had let herself into her home & rearranged her furniture. The strange combination of the Queen's extravagant gifts & her inability to give what is actually needed reflects her own longing to be indulged. Others feel embarrassed for her.
"I don't believe her". Search for the kernel of truth. Queen Mothers can manipulate their children by ploys for attention through reports of illness or accidents & unless you can verify the facts you may not know how to respond appropriately Adult children need to speak to the physician, ask for copies of medical reports or tests & point out inconsistencies. No matter how offended their mother may be, adult children must have access to accurate information regarding matters of health & safety. Without verification through medical reports, the Queen's adult children are not likely to know the truth about their mother's health.
"I'm tired of being enlisted in her battles". Choose your own battles. The Queen mother instigates chaos & conflict & then enlists her children to fight the ensuing battles. Divorces inevitably pull children in half, tearing their love & loyalty to their parents apart. Adult children must refuse to enlist in the Queens army. Claims of mistreatment & threats of retaliation such as threatening lawsuits are common for borderline Queens. They will organize factions & dominate groups either with her fury or with deliberate embellished stories designed to win allegiance to her cause. She cannot rest until she wins. She will even remain bitter & jealous of her adult children's relationships with their adult father whom she divorced from many years earlier.
"I am tired of being controlled". Just say no. The Queen mother treats her children either like subjects or like objects to be used or admired. Loving the Queen mother requires that adult children embrace their power & use it only to protect themselves. The Queens children can be exploited if they cannot say no. Saying no to the Queen however is extremely difficult, even for those who are not her children. It can take years for adult children to have the courage to tell a Queen mother the truth about how they feel.Like being run over by a semi-trailer truck, they feel flattened so quickly that it is difficult to think what to say.For the first time in her life she exploded...(me) I told my mother last May how i really felt about her & I think it just went in one ear & out the other. Despite this, I feel that I have grown as an adult in our relationship (or lack of) and am no longer that little kid who is dominated by that crippling fear of her. She still tries her best to put me in my place like she always has but I've changed & it's different for me now.. she tries mostly in the form of tantrums and nasty words. I do not regret saying what i said for one second & it was a long time coming..26 years to be exact...
At some point in their lives, her adult children must tell their mother the truth about how they feel. When adult children finally find the courage to tell their mother the truth about their feelings they no longer feel like children.
"It's always about her". What about you? The Queen regards inconvenience as an injustice & can seem oblivious to the needs of others. Her circumstances feels uniquely painful, singularly upsetting & particularly unfair. Her adult children need to protect themselves from inappropriate pleas for sympathy or special treatment.
MIRROR THE SELF INSTEAD OF THE QUEEN
The Queen conditions her children to respond to her needs. The behavior of young children universally reflects their feeling that they would do anything to win their mother's love. Only adult children have the opportunity to separate the needs & desires from the Queen's. Submitting to the Queens relentless demands requires relinquishing the self & jeopardizes the child's mental health.
Through therapy, the Queen's adult children can uncover the unexpressed real self hidden beneath the Queen's mirror. Without treatment adult children may continue to feel empty & inadequate , depressed & hopeless. Adult children must learn to mirror their true selves instead of the Queen's.
The Queen conditions her children to respond to her needs. The behavior of young children universally reflects their feeling that they would do anything to win their mother's love. Only adult children have the opportunity to separate the needs & desires from the Queen's. Submitting to the Queens relentless demands requires relinquishing the self & jeopardizes the child's mental health.
Through therapy, the Queen's adult children can uncover the unexpressed real self hidden beneath the Queen's mirror. Without treatment adult children may continue to feel empty & inadequate , depressed & hopeless. Adult children must learn to mirror their true selves instead of the Queen's.
What I need to do now...
Step 1: Confirm Separateness..."I am...."
"My mother was disappointed when I was born because I had my father's features. It's been a battle ever since. I've spent so much of my life trying not to be like her that I have no idea of who I am.."
Step 2: Create Structure: "I will...."
"There are many ways that she can get to me. I never tell her what I'm thinking or feeling because I don't want her to see the real me. It's the only way I can have some control."
**I am the master of myself. I will do what is right & good for me. I won't allow others to control me.**
"My mother was disappointed when I was born because I had my father's features. It's been a battle ever since. I've spent so much of my life trying not to be like her that I have no idea of who I am.."
Step 2: Create Structure: "I will...."
"There are many ways that she can get to me. I never tell her what I'm thinking or feeling because I don't want her to see the real me. It's the only way I can have some control."
**I am the master of myself. I will do what is right & good for me. I won't allow others to control me.**
Step 3: Clarify Consequences: "I won't..."
"I won't lose myself ever again. I've worked too hard to get where I am & I finally feel entitled to my own life. My husband & children are entitled to my emotional energy - not my mother!"
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