Wednesday, March 20, 2013

A Collaboration

For some time now, I've been involved in a really supportive online group for adult children of people with BPD, & just recently, someone in the group came up with this brilliant idea of a book & collating all of our stories & experiences to help other people out there who also have lived with this crazy sort of existence.  Basically, whoever in this safe private group is interested, can partake & then  hoping of  having it published.  I am looking forward to reading the other members stories in whole. Or part thereof..whatever is submitted. I think a book like this would be a good read for what seems to be a bigger problem than any of us ever thought & something that also isn't common with anybody else that we all know, in our own lives.

 So I am going to use my blog. I think it's valuable and it's already for the most part, written down already. Whether to go public in the book with my real name or not is another question. I mean, this blog, yes it is out there it is public..if it got into the 'right' hands anybody could read it..but it's also mostly a secret... if you know what I mean... & I'm in 2 minds. But a book that can be found on a shelf & read anywhere..I don't know.
The thing is.. One it's the truth so i will tell it, & 2..there is something about being anonymous which can also be a good thing.

I'm excited & happy to be a part of this, a really useful tool to help other people which is what my aim is at the end of the day.

Thursday, March 14, 2013

I want to talk more I want to say is that life does go on whether you want it to or not, and in saying that, I've chosen to go with it. You need to move forward & live while you have your own time on this earth. And I think that when you lose loves ones, that's what they'd want if you could ask them too.

But don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's easy because it's not & it's a daily decision..and I'd say most days if not everyday at some point, I find myself stopping & my heart breaks all over again.
But to not live your own life & not allow yourself to go forward isn't honoring the memory of the person or persons that you lost, it's only making the loss of their life a legacy of loss, to your own life.. which doesn't seem right to me at all. There is a healthy balance & you need to find that, on your own and in your own time. 

So in saying all of that, while I can miss her everyday that I live I also want to live everyday that I have. One day when Its my time, hopefully when I'm an old old lady with Great-Grandkids around us,  she will be up there waiting &  wondering what took me so long to get there. What a sweet day that is going to be. But one that I am very happy to wait a long time for. And it brings me to my knees just imagining it.  Bittersweet but blessed at the same time. it's hard to describe it ♥

I think about blogging more in here, but sometimes there's nothing to say, but really there's always going to be something to say. It's endless. But do i stop or do i keep it going? I just had to retrieve my password and the email add to even get in, so here I am I might as well post.

It's been a year already since she passed away,  14 months tomorrow to be exact. Tomorrow is the 15th. Its starting to feel like time is easing the blow & then in an instant it's as fresh as it  was the day that it happened. Sometimes at night I'm about to go to sleep & I see her face and the realization of what has happened floods over me again as if I never realized any of this before & it's shocking, just a massive shock.

And then there are other days which go on as normal & I know she is not here & I'm ok with that.

I don't even know what else to say really. I think I need to find some youtube and some pictures because I have plenty I want to say, so bear with me.