Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Air - All I Need

There is something going on between my husband & myself we have this new freshness going on..I think we're falling in love again. He told me a few weeks ago that he felt like he was & it's something we've both been noticing {♥}

he was trying to find a song, I accidentally found an email that he'd sent to a radio station to get them to play a song.

message: been going insane trying to find an older song (late 90s-early 00s) but have no idea of artist or title. played on jjj recently,female vocals,mellow/love song,music video featured skateboarding young couple so in love & their daily life; makes me cry just thinking about it!! please help me find this song again so my wife and i can listen to it together,i love her so much! thanks for any help you can give.

The first time we watched it he cried & it's kinda become our song now..& when I think about it {All I need } ~ it's all right here under this roof cos what matters most is now not yesterday, that's already happened & you can't ever go back & realizing what I have now, why would you even want to? ♥ xxxx

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Keeping positive & an open mind

On the whole I am feeling pretty positive it's how I normally roll & it's kinda just who I am.

A friend once asked me "How do you do it? " but the answer to me is fairly simple ~ it's an 'everyday' choice that you make, to wake up and to take the time to smell the roses.. to see the sun shining and even if there is nothing but grey skies & lots of rain to notice how pretty the sky still looks, how the yard looks greener, how the rain splashes against the windows... & to happily begin the day~ even though there is {each morning} a fresh cat poo, waiting just for me, on the floor beside the litter box in the laundry... & then occasionally in the middle of cleaning that up, the phone might ring & it's sometimes my Mum & then that wash of 'panic' of answering it & never knowing whether I am going to get the 'nice' mum or another version of...& then it's back to normal stuff that goes on in our own home which quickly ( & thankfully) brings me back to earth.

When things go wrong they can be all consuming but I've worked out a long time ago if the thing happening isn't something that can kill me then in the grand scheme of things it probably doesn't matter ..& it helps me to let it go. But not always it does depend!!!
Certain people, they can move me from my axis just like that & it's then that I have to decide what i am going to do next.

I've got about 4 Mum incidents that I could relay but I really don't feel like it. I think I've dealt with and processed these things within my mind now & to go back not only takes more time away that I could be doing spent on things i enjoy and also because it's just mentally tiring. I'm also learning to 'step away' even when shes on the phone I'm listening but I'm not really there. The other night she rang up and I was on facebook & instead of engaging myself with her drunkard (which I the next day realized!!) drivel I instead focused on the hum of the rangehood whirring away & thought about how far I've come and am able to more often than not now switch off.

Which is really kinda cool.

She's just a broken record playing the same song over & over just sometimes a remix of the versions she has given me before..I've come to fully realize shes broken me so many times over & just keeps on spinning but shes skipping & listening to that shit now just gives me the pips.

My life even with what 'has been', is embedded within my mind, the love I've seen & then lost..& then with it's daily cat poop on the laundry floor~ it's pretty freaking good you know ~ I've been overhearing other people's problems & their worries & I've thought to myself .. "I'm glad I have my own things I don't think I'd want to swap with yours"..probably being so used to my own they seem easier, when I know for a fact they are not.

I've also come to realize that my everyday now life is as it should be & these things worrying me are from yesterday & the stuff I've been overhearing are from these peoples 'now' for thought...

My life *before life* I'd never swap it for the world, not even for all the chocolate in the world because what I've seen & lived & learned has made me who I am & now I am where I am supposed to be ☼♥

ps. I may be back at any time to have a whinge about Mum & her latests that is a given but I've also realized that is ok..that is life:)..just don't dwell for too long, air my grievances & move the heck on. I am now the proud owner of an "off/on" switch that gets used a lot more these days =)

Monday, April 25, 2011


even when there's no peace outside my window there's peace inside
& that's why I no longer run

How about ...♪

Being thankful for ALL lessons negative & positive & learning always = LIVING authentically ♥

I never thought

I'd be the sort of person who could end things. But I did I felt it & saw it. I was driving to one of my appointments & out from nowhere came this thought of " Why don't you just let the car wander over there & hit into those trees go on do will all end no more fear or pain, you won't have to worry about people dying you won't have to worry about a single thing. There is nothing to stop you you know".

EFF OFF. I kept driving & ignored 'it'. And then I confessed it to my psychologist. I have no idea looking back now if I did tell her that day or if it was thereafter but she asked me something & then said to just observe that thought next time I feel it, if I was to feel it again.

The thing is I am not that sort of person at all, never have been never will be. I owe myself to my family & could & would never but what I do understand now is that I just wanted the pain & all the hurt to stop I didn't want to die.

Please if anybody out there ever has these feelings or thoughts tell someone don't let yourself slide until it is too late. This is so important & is not an answer it's NEVER an option.

LIFE is beautiful it is good, there is nothing you can't overcome with the right help & support. Big loves♥

12 months

Already since I started on this journey. It was April of 2010 & the stress of what had been going on with my sister was beginning to boil over. Boil over much more than it ever had before. Over the past 2 years we'd stopped talking, then started again & it went on a number of times. I've actually lost count now couldn't even tell you. But this time it was different & I had a rage I couldn't contain any longer. BOOM It had broken the banks. I was done, more. It seemed to come on rather quickly after our 'last spack" but I now know cracks were appearing long before this & I was just good at covering things up.

Underneath it all was much more ..I had no idea what was about to make it's way out. Well I did, I knew what was in 'that box' I'd left up high on a shelf long ago but understanding most of it was about to hit me tenfold. And it did & it still does. I didn't ever really think I had to do anything with all that information that I knew that was within me, it had happened in 'my other life', doesn't really matter anymore. Does it?

One thing that I know now is to never google symptoms of yourself. It only took the one time to plant a seed in my mind & I thought there was something terribly wrong with me. I was going to die, it was plain & simple. I'd never really worried about my health like this before but every little ache or pain made me go straight to the darkest corners of my mind & I couldn't escape them. Before this, for some time actually, I'd cry for no reason and it was becoming more frequent & so was my anger.

I remember laying down on the lounge one afternoon my heart was racing & there was no reason for this. I wanted this feeling of sheer panic & terror to go away. I was trying to calm myself down and just 'be'. Next thing a plane roared past taking off & I literally jumped from the lounge *heart still beating like crazy* & went straight to the kitchen picked up the address book & rang our local medical centre. They got me in with a GP & for me to come down in 20 minutes time. I quickly got myself & my young daughter ready & gave our boys firm instructions & that I would be home soon. I knew they'd be ok because I had just started letting them stay home on occasion on their own.

We drove out, I cried before I got to the end of the street.

"Not now not now" & then I thought "No just get it out now & you will be fine"

I had no idea. Got inside & I had to say my name & that I had an appointment but I couldn't get the words out. I just stood there looking at the receptionist trying & could feel my eyes were filling. I continued to just stand there & look & try & it was as if someone had then already told her what I was there for they quickly did then what they had to do. She took me into a room and tried to calm me & that everything was going to be alright. She pulled the curtain for privacy & there I sat with my little girl on the bed & I soon calmed down.

By the time I got in to see the Dr the panic started again & he simply asked me "So what is going on at home?" & it all just spewed out all on it's own. I had no idea what i was going to say let alone think about it first. .."Nothing - my sister left her kids for some man on the internet".. He sat there & listened, not that much older than myself but the look on his face was of concern for all involved. He was very thorough & he seemed to know what was going on just like the lady in reception had done. He asked some more & then told me that I had "stress & anxiety" & that a psychologist could become available for me if I so wanted to. Yes I did. Yes just book me in.

I had a few weeks until I could get in & the rest is history. In 12 short months I have learnt so much, I've been able to put the missing pieces of this puzzle which was my life back together & I've also been able to see things from different places I never could before. Funnily my sister has taken the backseat and Mum has been the primary talking point. I firmly believe she has Borderline Personality Disorder.. it's a full blown mental illness. I am somewhat relieved but it's also at times shocking, extremely sad & a way I can sigh with a heart full of relief. It's also confronting & very scary to think about. Did we survive a parent with an undiagnosed mental illness? I believe we did.. An abusive parent not physically but in every other way that there is possible.

I also learnt who my real mum is & that would have to be one of the greatest gifts I've ever received (alongside my amazing husband & our beautiful children).

This is one of the things that hurt the most that I really never had a Mum, None of us did. It's the saddest thing in all of this because not only has it had enormous ramifications our Mum doesn't even have herself & watching her 'self destruct slowly' is not a pleasant thing no matter how much she's hurt me, not to mention us all.

I have 6 months left to go & to be honest I'm not ready to stop. I'm scared to stop I don't want to do this on my own. My psychologist has been a great source of support & learning & to not have that 'safety net' seems too much for me now to not have. But I'm going to work on it, and see that I can make it alone

12 months is all it's taken to change my life 'now' is great but it's this 'inner' life that needed to heal & I think it is an ongoing thing too it's not a "quick fix bye bye see you later".

I don't cry near as much anymore but when I do I understand it. I am almost back in my happy place but in real life I am much quieter than I was before. I am happy to just observe, to sit back & watch the world go by & from where I am sitting it's a much nicer place. I have peace in my heart real peace & I have more compassion & can see where other people may be coming from whereas before I could not see or understand really at all. Only that they were doing the wrong thing.

I stand up for myself now too, which is an awesome feeling, if I don't then who will?
I'm not a doormat or a pushover so much anymore...big changes within.

If you need to change something that is eating you from the inside out even if you "think" you are fine, then don't put it off...treat yourself with love & kindness & put yourself at project status. You not only owe it to your family but you owe it to yourself ♥ Don't go owning other peoples problems don't go putting your own health last, you'd give your best friends the time of day so how about giving some of that "♥" to the one person it probably matters most


Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Narcissistic Wife Yelling at Her Husband for No Reason

These are my parents (were)..haha!!! thank-you video maker!!!!

"...You are a stupid asshole...I am done talking to you.."......

What just happened???!!!! *YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!*******

Argument With A Narcissist (It's Pointless)

I found these late last night a few things happened. These things also relate to the post I am yet to make when i get a chance to, hopefully tonight.

1. I can 110% relate...with NBM & FOO..the things that they are saying good grief.... Been there, used those exact words and heard those phrases..I'm 'that man'!!!

2. I almost peed myself laughing.. this was really good 'therapy' for me & they hit the nail on the head but hey if you don't laugh you cry & then you don't stop. I really thank who ever made these.

3. I had a nightmare last night .SUPRISE SUPRISE. I found myself walking around the house at 2am petrified. I've talked to my therapist about this a couple of times back & it's anxiety. I also researched it a bit online.
I've now noticed they only occur at high stress times & also when something is going on with those mentioned involved. It's mostly NBM. In my dreams I scream at her and there's never a reply back, I'm really angry and venting away. These u-tube videos are virtually re-inactments of the relationships that I have with both my NBM & FOO & they hit very closely to home the word content and I am guessing they just simply stirred up some inner emotions.

It's funny~ you start to move on but it's all recorded there in the black box of your mind. Your mind doesn't forget.
And at no time at all last night was I aware that these could even bother me.
I still don't feel bothered by watching them in fact I am very interested in finding some more. I totally enjoyed watching because it makes light of the situation & just confirmed to me again that I really am not the crazy one even though they both project that you are...

Better go make dinner:)♥ bbl with that post..

Saturday, April 16, 2011

{be yourself}

..there is something
that you can do
better than any other~
listen to the inward voice
& bravely obey

I have a good post due it's been an 'emotionally' busy past few weeks but the thing I'm extremely happy about is I think I've finally come to that corner that I've been so badly needing to, I'm on the curve and I know I'm in the process of turning that corner..more later..I'm listening to music but just wanted to get this out ♥

NBM has been an absolute 'cow' & has no idea she upset me 3 times in a short period of time, one whole day was 'wasted' complete with headaches and so on. It's stress..I need to get my mind into the right frame to write & atm I'm enjoying myself.

I think it's a right direction on this new path called 'Acceptance', I'm just taking baby steps though & congratulating myself becuase I think I deserve this & I'm not afraid to say it.

GO me!!!!^_^~ x0

Friday, April 15, 2011

AVG seems to be popping up on my page with warnings..

Thursday, April 14, 2011

less than 2 hours

DG it was this time of the night that you had literally less than 2 hours left on this earth.Did you know? Were you alone? I've never thought about this but I hope your last moments weren't in pain but in peace, that you weren't scared ~ that you had peace in your heart & that you felt love.
I'm with you all the time xxxx


that's how many years It's been today DG I miss you, you know ♥

Thursday, April 7, 2011

♪♫ express yourself don't repress yourself

i {♥} this version & sometimes when I'm driving to my fortnightly (now monthly) sessions i sing my heart out...."did I have a point of view"... YEP I do :)

love the music, her 'tude in it & just the whole don't treat me like crap cos I'm not having it! ~ :)
EEkk it's past midnight again how did that happen


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

i { heart} vintage madonna♥

I know you think I'm the foolish one but I'm not gonna cry for you
Cos that's what you want me to do
No I'm not gonna c-r-y f-o-r y-o-u A-N-Y-M-O-R-E !!!~

Madonna - Over And Over

I'm not afraid to say I hear it differently
It's not the game it's how you play♪..

I have no firm plans on how I'm going to work on this
acceptance thing other than just distracting myself with something 'in the now' when my mind starts doing it's repeat process as it seems to do, it will take some time but it's going to be worth it.

"hurry up hurry up"♪......

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers-Learning to Mother Yourself

Daughters of narcissistic mothers have a great challenge in their lives. Many of them don't realize that their mothers are narcissistic until they are adults themselves. Many daughters knew right away that mother was cold and distant, not huggable, didn't pay real attention to them, was preoccupied with her own life and that was all that mattered, was too psychologically fused with her husband to make room for her and the other children. These daughters go through a tremendous ordeal recognizing and then struggling to redefine themselves as individuals who are authentic and separate. I have communicated with many daughters who have prevailed and have re-found their true selves. This is a great victory.

Adult daughters of narcissistic mothers can go through a process of healing, a time of individuating from the narcissistic mother. There is a psychological blooming that takes place. One of the first steps is acknowledging that you deserve to be treated with respect and empathy. Another is self care. Which for me is now acceptance. Part of my self care is to be able to move on
I hear from sons and daughters of narcissistic mothers. Their psychological pain is particularly poignant. As children they feel inadequate and confused, returning many times to mother for the love and contact she is incapable of giving. They don't understand that a narcissistic mother lives for herself alone. Even as very small children mother is emotionally distanced. I have communicated with many children of narcissistic mothers who remember that mother was always unavailable---night and day. She was a very "busy" woman. Some of these children were raised by nannies or put in day care when they were tiny infants. Mother couldn't wait to take them off of her hands. With friends mother bragged about her wonderful children. In family pictures and during holidays there were public displays of the "happy family", the "loving mother" and her beautiful children. This is the image that mother insisted on presenting to her friends and the world. Image replaces reality for the narcissist.

Within the walls of their home, mother treated these children with coldness, dismissiveness, constant criticisms. Often she would fly into volcanic rage over the smallest issue. If mother got stirred up she projected her venom on to her children. Narcissistic mothers often pit one child against the other. These enmities between siblings can last a lifetime. If the narcissistic mother chooses a favorite child who is a psychological twin, the rest of the children are treated as inferior and worthless.

Healing begins with the recognition that your mother was/is a narcissist. This is not your fault; you are a victim of narcissistic abuse. You cannot change this mother. Her personality structure is fixed and rigid. You can change you understanding and perception of her and yourself. Be kind to yourself. Recognize that you were strong enough to survive maternal narcissistic abuse. That is an incredible achievement. Be patient with yourself. You will heal. Give yourself the space and time to do this. You will find others who have suffered this mother wound. Some find comfort and understanding in support groups or find close friends who share similar backgrounds. In some cases psychotherapy is helpful in dealing with these issues. . There is a powerful force inside of you that has been waiting all of this time to reclaim your individuality and the inner peace that you deserve.


Focus on your own self entitlement--your right to think in freedom, the express your feelings, to appreciate your authenticity, to maintain your physical and psychological health and to continue to grow as a valued individual.


Acceptance is a person's agreement to experience a situation, to follow a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it, protest, or exit.

.. when a situation is both disliked and unchangeable, or when change may be possible only at great cost or risk. Acceptance may imply only a lack of outward, behavioral attempts at possible change, but the word is also used more specifically for a felt or hypothesized cognitive or emotional state.

Homework usually sucks

But not this time. It's not going to be exactly easy either but I need to work on being able to find 'Acceptance' within the relationships (or lack of) with my NBM & FOO. I need to be able to truly move on & not try to make things how I wish they were. I also need to protect myself from their words & the way that they think they can treat me but want to be treated back with respect. See, I remember the good times, NBM was not 100% horrible growing up there were plenty of times she was actually ok or did show some good towards me but she's never going to be what I want in a Mother & it's kinda time I embraced this & really worked on it..because I am just wasting my own life. I see that I have wasted so much time on her, on them both & it's not a control thing like my FOO says but it's I just want a regular, loving and not manipulative relationship with them both. I don't want to be made fun of by them both or shut down, or called stupid... or emotionally abused any longer by NBM. I also don't want to support their decisions they can stand alone. Helping them or trying to help them has just made me in ways 'sick'. Anxiety is a sickness. And stress is not much fun either.

I'm in the prime of my life & what am I doing inside my head? I am wishing that things could somehow get better with the both of them. My FOO, if she wants nothing to do with me (because I am too toxic & evil to be around) then she can have this. It's time I stepped away (with love not hate) and just move on with my own life. I will still see my NBM from time to time but there are boundaries, there already are boundaries I have put in place things that i have learnt from the past year...I've had 24 therapy sessions & have 6 left....this 6 is going to let me go on my own path with a happy heart & it's time I stopped 'looking back'.

WOOP!! Wish me luck cos I need all that I can get but I really want to do this..just live my own life in peace..I feel free in so many areas of my life, so now it's time for my mind to get free also


The bruises they will fade away you hit so hard with the things you say

You're not in in love with someone else you don't even love yourself♪

But what is truth when something dies he's not in love with her anymore.

He takes a drink she goes inside he starts to scream the vases fly

He wishes that she wouldn't cry

He's not in love with her anymore

He makes demands she draws the line He starts the fight she starts the lie

But what is truth when something dies

He's not in love with her anymore♪

I guess I should be mad at NBM's Father too?? Is this what happened????? You fractured your family?? I know you were both alcoholics so is NBM ..I know you used other women & sex to satisfy your own selfish needs , I know your pregnant wife used to sing in country bars while you were out having sex with young girls in the back of the car in the parking lot ....or so I have been told.. which baby was she pregnant with??? I don't even have any photos of you..I could have met you 5 years or so ago & not long after you passed away and I know you changed your ways you later turned your life around but what is all of this????...... YOU turned your life around but did you help your children who were then orphaned and were raised by someone else???

Why am I questioning all of this? Why do I have to bother? How come you adults couldn't get your acts come this affected 2 generations in so many ways??? I realize too this is moot asking a dead man these questions & I even feel a little guilty doing so.

You know it's bed time & I have an appointment in 8 hours time with a psychologist. Domino effect.....

Monday, April 4, 2011

Questions that have no answers or at least none that I can find..

Lately I find myself wanting to ask my NBM's Mother questions~ she's the one I never knew.

She died before I was born.

The things I find running through my mind, questions I want to ask her if I could are these:

"Did you know that this was going to manifest when you gave her to your parents? I understand at the time you felt this was what you had to do but had you kept her...if only"

"I realize I am self diagnosing her but all the crazy & unexplainable things are pointing to BPD"...

I ask myself "should I blame you"? If only had you kept her....

I also wonder "What were you like?"...

& I wonder did you bond with her when she was born or were you overwhelmed? She was born a year to the day before her older sister turned a year old....

& I want to know did you cry yourself to sleep at night thinking about the daughter you gave birth to that was living under your parents roof..did you think about her often and what was the relationship like between you both when you did see one another? Was it warm or was there resistance on both sides. I am guessing that your heart ached but you did what you did because it was 'best' for everybody.

Sometimes though our 'best' decisions can be our worst but at the time we cannot see it.

I think about how different life growing up would have been and also for my younger FOO. We'd have had a better chance of having an 'intact' family. We'd have had a Mother. She'd have had herself. Dad would have truly have had his wife. Life is not perfect it never is I know this, but you can't help but wonder at all the 'what if's' & the 'if onlys'....

When I think about it & to be completely honest I have never thought about you deep enough until right now because to me you were a part of my NBM & I tend to not go there & it's not because I am being nasty but because she's hurt me so much I need to protect myself and I never knew you. There is no emotional attachment at all, for so long I have simply referred to you as "Mums Mum".
I also realize your life probably wasn't all you expected either. 3 young children, 1 goes to live somewhere else. A less than ideal husband who you probably fell head over heels in love with..until reality set in..again I have no idea what it was really like for you only what others tell me. You then lost your own life you were less than 40 years old. I'm sorry I never got to meet you.

It's all really very sad and tragic.

But then I quickly gather my thoughts & I realize thinking these sorts of things is as pointless it's like asking someone...

..."Why was I not born with red hair?"

~When I was born with brown.

I can't ask her anything I can never ask her anything, I can blame her all I want (*& I admit I did begin to) BUT there is little point in me wanting to place the blame onto her...Acceptance is about all I can do it's really the only answer that fits here. There are no other answers. You can't change history only learn from it & hopefully do better. We fall down, make mistakes but it's never too late to pick yourself up, brush off & start all over again. Every day we get a brand new day...I'm trying to use it I'm trying to put all this stuff back in 'the box' but it's so damned hard. I feel like I am grieving inside a life lost & I think it's just going to take some time.

You never had her as 'a daughter' I know she didn't grow up calling you Mum.
And I never really had a Mum you know? Why did you take her Mummy from her? A tiny toddler just beginning to find out about the world, finding out where her safe place to fall was.
Why did you take away my Mummy? Don't you know I needed her too??

Ya probably aren't listening anyway, are you. I don't think you can hear me.

Borderline Personality Disorder - Information for the family

The Power of Goodbye [Official Music Video] [HD]

Your heart is not open so I must go
the spell has been broken I loved you so
Freedom comes when you learn to let go
Creation comes when you learn to say no
You were my lesson I had to learn
I was your fortress♠

There's nothing to lose there's no more heart to bruise
Learn to say goodbye
I yearn to say goodbye ~