Lately I find myself wanting to ask my NBM's Mother questions~ she's the one I never knew.
She died before I was born.
The things I find running through my mind, questions I want to ask her if I could are these:
"Did you know that this was going to manifest when you gave her to your parents? I understand at the time you felt this was what you had to do but had you kept her...if only"
"I realize I am self diagnosing her but all the crazy & unexplainable things are pointing to BPD"...
I ask myself "should I blame you"? If only had you kept her....
I also wonder "What were you like?"...
& I wonder did you bond with her when she was born or were you overwhelmed? She was born a year to the day before her older sister turned a year old....
& I want to know did you cry yourself to sleep at night thinking about the daughter you gave birth to that was living under your parents roof..did you think about her often and what was the relationship like between you both when you did see one another? Was it warm or was there resistance on both sides. I am guessing that your heart ached but you did what you did because it was 'best' for everybody.
Sometimes though our 'best' decisions can be our worst but at the time we cannot see it.
I think about how different life growing up would have been and also for my younger FOO. We'd have had a better chance of having an 'intact' family. We'd have had a Mother. She'd have had herself. Dad would have truly have had his wife. Life is not perfect it never is I know this, but you can't help but wonder at all the 'what if's' & the 'if onlys'....
When I think about it & to be completely honest I have never thought about you deep enough until right now because to me you were a part of my NBM & I tend to not go there & it's not because I am being nasty but because she's hurt me so much I need to protect myself and I never knew you. There is no emotional attachment at all, for so long I have simply referred to you as "Mums Mum".
I also realize your life probably wasn't all you expected either. 3 young children, 1 goes to live somewhere else. A less than ideal husband who you probably fell head over heels in love with..until reality set in..again I have no idea what it was really like for you only what others tell me. You then lost your own life you were less than 40 years old. I'm sorry I never got to meet you.
It's all really very sad and tragic.
But then I quickly gather my thoughts & I realize thinking these sorts of things is as pointless it's like asking someone...
..."Why was I not born with red hair?"
~When I was born with brown.
I can't ask her anything I can never ask her anything, I can blame her all I want (*& I admit I did begin to) BUT there is little point in me wanting to place the blame onto her...Acceptance is about all I can do it's really the only answer that fits here. There are no other answers. You can't change history only learn from it & hopefully do better. We fall down, make mistakes but it's never too late to pick yourself up, brush off & start all over again. Every day we get a brand new day...I'm trying to use it I'm trying to put all this stuff back in 'the box' but it's so damned hard. I feel like I am grieving inside a life lost & I think it's just going to take some time.
You never had her as 'a daughter' I know she didn't grow up calling you Mum.
And I never really had a Mum you know? Why did you take her Mummy from her? A tiny toddler just beginning to find out about the world, finding out where her safe place to fall was.
Why did you take away my Mummy? Don't you know I needed her too??
Ya probably aren't listening anyway, are you. I don't think you can hear me.
2 comments:
I hear the sadness in your writing. Another perspective you may want to consider. My mother's mother came to live with us and I finally could understand some of why my mother was the way she was. I just can't understand why she chooses to stay that way. "I feel like I am grieving inside a life lost & I think it's just going to take some time." I think you are right. I noticed that I have gone through a fairly long grieving process for my mother. I felt confused because it seems so odd to me that I am grieving someone who is still alive.
Yep I felt sad because I feel in ways they really were a part of this 'mess'.. you hit the nail on the head, that they choose not to change for the better of themselves which in turn makes other relationships much better. That would have been very interesting for you to have lived with your Mothers Mother what an eye opener..I hope it all went ok for you both♥ I definitely think the grieving is a huge process letting go of all the things you wish you could understand it's not easy. Me too, mine is alive & I feel like she is already in a sense dead because the relationship we have goes nowhere. She can't give to herself so cannot in anyway give to me the way I need a mother. I hope you're doing ok xx
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