12 months

Already since I started on this journey. It was April of 2010 & the stress of what had been going on with my sister was beginning to boil over. Boil over much more than it ever had before. Over the past 2 years we'd stopped talking, then started again & it went on a number of times. I've actually lost count now couldn't even tell you. But this time it was different & I had a rage I couldn't contain any longer. BOOM It had broken the banks. I was done, spent..no more. It seemed to come on rather quickly after our 'last spack" but I now know cracks were appearing long before this & I was just good at covering things up.

Underneath it all was much more ..I had no idea what was about to make it's way out. Well I did, I knew what was in 'that box' I'd left up high on a shelf long ago but understanding most of it was about to hit me tenfold. And it did & it still does. I didn't ever really think I had to do anything with all that information that I knew that was within me, it had happened in 'my other life', doesn't really matter anymore. Does it?


One thing that I know now is to never google symptoms of yourself. It only took the one time to plant a seed in my mind & I thought there was something terribly wrong with me. I was going to die, it was plain & simple. I'd never really worried about my health like this before but every little ache or pain made me go straight to the darkest corners of my mind & I couldn't escape them. Before this, for some time actually, I'd cry for no reason and it was becoming more frequent & so was my anger.

I remember laying down on the lounge one afternoon my heart was racing & there was no reason for this. I wanted this feeling of sheer panic & terror to go away. I was trying to calm myself down and just 'be'. Next thing a plane roared past taking off & I literally jumped from the lounge *heart still beating like crazy* & went straight to the kitchen picked up the address book & rang our local medical centre. They got me in with a GP & for me to come down in 20 minutes time. I quickly got myself & my young daughter ready & gave our boys firm instructions & that I would be home soon. I knew they'd be ok because I had just started letting them stay home on occasion on their own.

We drove out, I cried before I got to the end of the street.

"Not now not now" & then I thought "No just get it out now & you will be fine"

I had no idea. Got inside & I had to say my name & that I had an appointment but I couldn't get the words out. I just stood there looking at the receptionist trying & could feel my eyes were filling. I continued to just stand there & look & try & it was as if someone had then already told her what I was there for they quickly did then what they had to do. She took me into a room and tried to calm me & that everything was going to be alright. She pulled the curtain for privacy & there I sat with my little girl on the bed & I soon calmed down.

By the time I got in to see the Dr the panic started again & he simply asked me "So what is going on at home?" & it all just spewed out all on it's own. I had no idea what i was going to say let alone think about it first. .."Nothing - my sister left her kids for some man on the internet".. He sat there & listened, not that much older than myself but the look on his face was of concern for all involved. He was very thorough & he seemed to know what was going on just like the lady in reception had done. He asked some more & then told me that I had "stress & anxiety" & that a psychologist could become available for me if I so wanted to. Yes I did. Yes just book me in.


I had a few weeks until I could get in & the rest is history. In 12 short months I have learnt so much, I've been able to put the missing pieces of this puzzle which was my life back together & I've also been able to see things from different places I never could before. Funnily my sister has taken the backseat and Mum has been the primary talking point. I firmly believe she has Borderline Personality Disorder.. it's a full blown mental illness. I am somewhat relieved but it's also at times shocking, extremely sad & a way I can sigh with a heart full of relief. It's also confronting & very scary to think about. Did we survive a parent with an undiagnosed mental illness? I believe we did.. An abusive parent not physically but in every other way that there is possible.

I also learnt who my real mum is & that would have to be one of the greatest gifts I've ever received (alongside my amazing husband & our beautiful children).

This is one of the things that hurt the most that I really never had a Mum, None of us did. It's the saddest thing in all of this because not only has it had enormous ramifications our Mum doesn't even have herself & watching her 'self destruct slowly' is not a pleasant thing no matter how much she's hurt me, not to mention us all.


I have 6 months left to go & to be honest I'm not ready to stop. I'm scared to stop I don't want to do this on my own. My psychologist has been a great source of support & learning & to not have that 'safety net' seems too much for me now to not have. But I'm going to work on it, and see that I can make it alone


12 months is all it's taken to change my life..my life 'now' is great but it's this 'inner' life that needed to heal & I think it is an ongoing thing too it's not a "quick fix bye bye see you later".


I don't cry near as much anymore but when I do I understand it. I am almost back in my happy place but in real life I am much quieter than I was before. I am happy to just observe, to sit back & watch the world go by & from where I am sitting it's a much nicer place. I have peace in my heart real peace & I have more compassion & can see where other people may be coming from whereas before I could not see or understand really at all. Only that they were doing the wrong thing.

I stand up for myself now too, which is an awesome feeling, if I don't then who will?
I'm not a doormat or a pushover so much anymore...big changes within.


If you need to change something that is eating you from the inside out even if you "think" you are fine, then don't put it off...treat yourself with love & kindness & put yourself at project status. You not only owe it to your family but you owe it to yourself ♥ Don't go owning other peoples problems don't go putting your own health last, you'd give your best friends the time of day so how about giving some of that "♥" to the one person it probably matters most


x0x0x0x0x