But not this time. It's not going to be exactly easy either but I need to work on being able to find 'Acceptance' within the relationships (or lack of) with my NBM & FOO. I need to be able to truly move on & not try to make things how I wish they were. I also need to protect myself from their words & the way that they think they can treat me but want to be treated back with respect. See, I remember the good times, NBM was not 100% horrible growing up there were plenty of times she was actually ok or did show some good towards me but she's never going to be what I want in a Mother & it's kinda time I embraced this & really worked on it..because I am just wasting my own life. I see that I have wasted so much time on her, on them both & it's not a control thing like my FOO says but it's I just want a regular, loving and not manipulative relationship with them both. I don't want to be made fun of by them both or shut down, or called stupid... or emotionally abused any longer by NBM. I also don't want to support their decisions they can stand alone. Helping them or trying to help them has just made me in ways 'sick'. Anxiety is a sickness. And stress is not much fun either.
I'm in the prime of my life & what am I doing inside my head? I am wishing that things could somehow get better with the both of them. My FOO, if she wants nothing to do with me (because I am too toxic & evil to be around) then she can have this. It's time I stepped away (with love not hate) and just move on with my own life. I will still see my NBM from time to time but there are boundaries, there already are boundaries I have put in place things that i have learnt from the past year...I've had 24 therapy sessions & have 6 left....this 6 is going to let me go on my own path with a happy heart & it's time I stopped 'looking back'.
WOOP!! Wish me luck cos I need all that I can get but I really want to do this..just live my own life in peace..I feel free in so many areas of my life, so now it's time for my mind to get free also
1 comment:
Wishing luck. You can do this. You already have the determination. Sounds like your counselor is helping you gather the tools you need. Keep going you are doing great.
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