Yesterday was really stressful & subsequently I internalized it, hence how I was feeling. I was feeling the effects of anxiety in my body, sore muscles in my back & so on.
The day started out pretty good with an early morning walk on the beach, Jack playing loudly on my ipod. Then went home got ready & went off to my fortnightly visit which I really enjoy going to.

Having said that, I usually write Tuesdays 'off ' because I am never sure how things will feel or be after having had my psych visit that morning..it's just easier for me (& subsequently everybody else!)to not put on any extra pressure/s, to just rest my mind which is what I need to do.
Some Tuesdays are fine & other Tuesdays I curl up in bed & sleep & then I wake up feeling 'refreshed' again. It's actually really draining mentally & emotionally.


Yay for a new day though!!!

A really interesting thing that cemented home to me this morning while reading the first chapter in one of our Dr Phil books titled 'Real Life: Preparing for the 7 Most Challenging Day of Your Life' is the first chapter 'Stress'.


The past few weeks have been exactly that. A few big stresses. Finding out my sister has cancer was the biggest stress.
4 days later I then had my birthday which was a really nice distraction from all of this that has been going on for me this year . The best present for me though was finding out the night before that my sisters cancer is a grade1. Which is good if you're going to have it.It's not a 2 or a 3..4 being you have to finalize your life & prepare. She will have an 85% chance of survival. I said will.....

My sister at this stage (because she see's it that she's not dying yet and has the time) is refusing modern medicine, preferring to shrink the cancer on her own with diet & other therapies, refusing chemotherapy & radiotherapy as well as surgery to remove her actual organs because even though the cancer is encapsulated it's actually too big for them to remove without having to take organs.

However this is her choice, I have to respect that. Which I do. Doesn't mean I have to like it.
I know I don't like it or agree but if she wants to use some time then it will only be her in the end to blame if her cancer spreads.

She is choosing to ignore Doctors advice, shes trying to tell me the poison they put into her body is worse than the cancer itself...hhmm...okayyyyyy then.

She also tells me one thing & gets me emotionally involved, then tells the truth to other people, with everything. So wants my support but lies at the same time. One minute you are helping her and she loves you the next she hates your guts.


Now I probably appear really cold. I'm not at all with what I'm about to say but make of it what you will.

Some big shits just recently gone down...my brothers girlfriend is involved. 

I don't want anything to do with her or my sister anymore. It's not her choices on her cancer, it's everything else. Our entire lives as sisters. It's not good, rarely has been. We're no good together. Cancer can't even repair us.


There is more but I'm letting it go. None of it was true. It's removed from my mind and it's staying that way. Accusations were thrown around, a 3rd party was involved...I'm out. I don't want to be involved in this sort of thing anymore because it seems to be a game that goes around and around..people playing head games & so on. In ways my sister is already dead to me and it's been like that for the most part of the last 2 & a bit years. Harsh words I know, but it's the cold hard truth, whether people like it or not.

And it's usually those people who have not had this sort of thing happen with them that say "But she's your sister".

And?? Maybe they have normal families so can say that.

The rest of my family, is great. I know what is normal and what is not and none of this is. It's all extremely negative. If they were friends I'd cut ties also.


It's like being in a bad relationship, nothing changes unless you take action. And on the whole I think I do but I don't really. What I really do is ignore it/them & it's not until a problem of some sort presents itself & then I lose the plot totally. Sometimes it can be the smallest of detail but it's enough.

I now have no contact details at all. She is out of my mind, and my stress levels have reduced dramatically as they had done on and off during the past 2 and a half years. Ot And it's not about sticking my head in the sand.

I do have a peace about my decision.

We are never going to have a normal, friendly, loving relationship. It's too flawed, strained. Always been strained & it's not just the normal sibling rivalry it's a lot more . It's always been full of false accusations, jealousy just to mention a few. It feels as if I am not allowed to be my own self, have my own family separate from them. Not separated as in nothing to do with each-other but the time I have for my husband & kids isn't easily 'shared' to be at their every whim. Which always seems is never enough.

Mum & Pam are so alike. History repeated itself. She learnt well. They're both cut from the same mould.

I do know I am tired of trying to help her & to be there, only to be labelled 'evil', 'toxic' & there is more. It feels like there are too many players in our relationship which sabotage and play against us.

Our Mother has helped to create this bad relationship that we have. Always playing one against the other. My sister the favoured one, me not. That was always made very clear & it still is.

My Mother was here Monday morning & looked me straight in the face and lied again. She doesn't care. It doesn't even register.


She is definitely next in line I am ready more than ever to tell her "We will see you once a year at Christmas & no more. Do not contact, do not worm your way back in & if you don't like that it will be down to nothing at all".

She had our 2nd son for a week, with my nieces. It was the first time ever that she's had any of our kids and within 15 minutes of him being dropped off she had gone over 3 boundaries. No shame, no feelings just totally rail-roading over the top of me as his Mum & all to make me look the bad guy. Manipulating now not only myself but adding our kids to the game. We gave her a chance, and she's blown it.


That's where the line is drawn, with our children.

That's right they are my husbands as well as my kids.

They are OUR kids. My mum calls me a child, then I think she sees my kids as her kids or something I'm not sure. But she's degrading. She forgets they do have a Dad also.

She had her kids, she made some less than ideal choices with herself primarily in mind with enormous consequences. This is not her chance to make up for that through her grandkids.



WE make the choices as to what happens with our kids & we together have made our decision.

Simple 'no' is not enough. A good example of her this week is she wants to have Sarah. She says "I want all my babies here"..except they aren't her babies.
I have told her no & the reason other than either of us trust her is that Sarah still holds her breath occasionally & it's still a worry for us. She doesn't have seizures anymore thankfully & it's been almost 4 years since we've had to call for an Ambulance but nonetheless it still happens.

SO she tells me she will watch her..I said to her she doesn't understand..the thing is she ignores them really..so Sarah could be somewhere else & if she holds her breath mum won't know or see.

She's still not bothered & continued on. I told her she will smash her head on the concrete or wherever she is, which is what almost happened at least twice since living where we are. YOu don't have to watch her like a hawke but you must be aware pretty much at all times, call out to her if she does go quiet, it's just something she will grow out of and appears to be which is a very good thing.

In the last month we found her crumpled up on the bathroom floor, she hit her head & had a lump.

Again...Mum is not listening. And this is just another reason she shows us that she is not a responsible person when it comes to kids. She also has no respect for the use of car seats either.


I'll stop here.

SO



Suddenly it feels a lot less stressful...it all feels right. And I am not going to ignore it this time to keep other people happy. Look where that has gotten me. Nah-uh.

No more.