Dreams

I had the weirdest dream last night. I was at my Grandma's funeral. The room was well lit & I was standing beside her coffin & looked over to my Dad who was sitting a few rows back.. I told him to "come up here don't be down there". Her coffin was a warm amber & it looked normal. The next minute it was thin in depth, about 10cm high & I'm not sure why.

A man from the funeral home brought a small round dish over & on that was some of her hair & I looked at it with a mixture of wonder & horror & not understanding any of it. Wondering why they'd saved it.
When I woke up this morning it was fresh on my mind & it wasn't one of those dreams that make you feel bothered or disturbed, it was actually nice I had a dream about her even though it was about her death.

I just googled this to try to understand it & I think it makes sense..

To dream that you are at somebody else's funeral, signifies that you are burying an old relationship and closing the lid on the past. You may be letting go some of the feelings (resentment, anger, hostility toward someone) that you have been clinging onto.


Wow.
The thing is though I don't have any resentment, anger or hostility towards her, only the opposite.
This Tuesday the discussion is going to be about my Grandparents & I wonder if in my subconscious I am getting ready to 'say goodbye'. I don't want to though I never want to let go & right now I'm almost crying just thinking that this could happen.

Just like every other 'experience' that has happened & bothered me, has been fairly easy for me to see & to let go of & I've let them go & am still in the process of.

But I am not letting go, if I do that I'm afraid I've lost her forever. Which I know I already have physically but not mentally or inside. That's all there is left. I try to let go but I can't. It's just a part of me, like she was a part of me.

But this feels different in not wanting to let go because she really was my mum.

My Grandma, was my softest place in the world to fall.

She had my back & I had hers.
I miss her like nothing else, it all only feels like yesterday.


We lived with my Grandparents when I was a newborn baby. I know now (she admitted it a couple of months ago) that Mum never felt anything towards me until I was about 6 months old, mainly because she was scared of taking care of me. Bonding with my Grandma makes sense in every sense of the word.

It feels like yesterday that I was my own daughters age. I also remember going over there in the dark early hours of the morning with Mum & Dad the day that my little sister was born. I stayed with them & remember going to the hospital that night to see her.


And spending some (well lots) of weekend/s at their house. All the things we'd do & the smells, I can remember it all. I can't even begin to explain how good it was because you won't understand.Or maybe you will. It was our own 'utopia'.
We were so close & I looked up to her & I was the best thing since my Dad had been born ♥
I can still hear her voice in my mind the way she'd say "Ohh Darling". She had her own way of saying it.

She used to feed me up always. Thought I was hungry probably because I was a skinny little thing & she'd come in at night after I'd gone to bed to ask me "Are you hungry?" I'd always say I was & we'd go back out to the kitchen & she'd make me something yummy.

In the middle of the nights I'd go to her side of the bed to go to the toilet & they had an outside toilet which was freezing cold but she'd not once complain & stand there waiting for me, then put me back to bed.

I'd wake up . She'd still have the table set just for me & her & she'd cook toast in the wood fire. My god it was good & I remember going back home refusing to eat 'toaster toast' lol.

We'd eat cornflakes together & then we'd clean up & I'd help her do chores. It was fun.
Then we'd do stuff, all sorts of things just me & her.Sometimes we'd go shopping.

She taught me how to do things, things that my own NM never. Like how to set the table, how to make a bed & how you put the top sheet seam side up so that when you fold it back at the top over the blanket, it was nice & neat.

We used to collect chocolate wrappers in the tins they came in because 'the colours were so pretty' & we'd get them out & & group them all up & count them. . Little plastic farm & jungle animals, dolls out on the driveway in the morning sun..they also live across the road from the park & we'd go over there to the swings. All this stuff all this good stuff is what makes my heart smile &

I don't think I have grieved her. Actually I don't think I know I haven't. Instead I've closed my mind to it. I know she won't be coming back & I know i never got to say a proper goodbye to her, I never said goodbye at all.

When she was sick I never let on to her that i knew she had Cancer. And she never let on to me either. We were trying to protect each-other, from hurting and upsetting each-other.

The only thing she did say was "Silly Grandma hurting her leg hey"
And I just smiled & agreed when all the while I knew and I wonder if she did deep down too that i knew.

She'd gone shopping with her neighbor . She was stepping down 2 brick steps in the neighbors garage when her bone between her knee and her ankle 'snapped'.

She went to hospital & that was when they found her body was riddled with Cancer. Nobody had had any idea.

She'd previously had lumps removed from her Breasts many times and in the end it was secondary cancer that killed her. Bone cancer.

I remember the day Dad rang me to tell me that Grandma had cancer. It was like the world just stopped & all back ground noise disappeared. Dad said to me that they didn't think she'd live until her next birthday which was that coming November. She ended up surprising us all & lived until the following Easter.
What is there to say? I walked over to  (who was my boyfriend at the time), work to wait for him that night he was just about to finish working at the Servo & just sat there, digested it & waited.

He got to meet her & she said to me "he's a nice young man" & we both just smiled & knew. I think they only met twice before she died. She gave her 'approval' ♥ I'm glad to have had that I could have missed that also. Add it to the long list of things she missed out on.

We actually missed her funeral service, we only arrived just as the people were coming out of the chapel & her body had already been put into the car. We followed them to the Garden where she is buried but even then the whole thing didn't seem real. I still can't comprehend death very well.

The funny thing is this. Hubby told me after I'd met him that he asked God to send him someone to love, he didn't want to be alone in his life, there had been no-one special to him, & looking back, I think that he was sent to me because she was going. Did she somehow send him to me? I think someone 'upstairs' did.

She died a year & a half before we got married.

On our Wedding Day I wore her engagement ring on my right hand, she was there with me . It might sound corny but the diamond solitaire symbolized her eyes to me & it was my Dad who wanted me to have it, and brought it down for me 3 months before we got married.

Some people might be reading this & think "Ohh the little sap only married him because she had nobody else". Not true. Whether we had have been 30, 40 or even 70 when we had met we'd still have gotten married. We both knew the instant that we saw each-other all those years ago.

And I'm just grateful I got to share that with her, if only a small part.



I'm thankful that I had her I could have had no Mother figure at all & turned out to be a bitter person who continued it with her own children. I wish she was still here.