A quick post..

Much to my surprise overcoming 'this one' was much easier than I could have ever imagined it to be. And it's funny a word I used in my last post

Shame.

That is exactly how I feel about what happened. Because I never planned it or wanted it to happen, let alone the way that it did. I feel shame from the way my mother handled it, the way she blatantly spoke of it to anybody & everybody & often as if I was not even there. I felt like my entire being, all my own morals were now gone and everybody thought badly of me & thought they were hearing the truth. Or that's how I saw it.

One thing I did learn was that I never blamed myself for this, I blame 'him' for doing it for pre-planning it (& it would have been for weeks before that when he'd ask me if i wanted to lose my virginity whilst walking past his group at school). I also blame my NM the way she was not there yet again for me . She had no problem, really with sex that young so no matter whatever I said to her, it was totally ok what happened It was just that I never 'consulted' her first. How can you consult some one of something that you have no idea it's going to happen?

It was date rape, to me rape is still too strong a word. I think because it wasn't violent, but it was still forced & the no's & trying to remove myself were not listened to at all.

Do I hate him? No I don't think so. He could be a number of things now.

He could be grown with children of his own, daughters. Whom he might look at and know how he disrepected women & nobody will ever do that to his own little girls.

Or there is a very good chance he could even be dead.
Or still be doing what he was doing then, but now and living in a meaningless life.


Whatever it is, I don't care. I'm happy, I'm safe, it doesn't matter anymore. That was another 'life' not mine now. I have an amazing husband who never made me do anything until I was ready. He's my safe place to fall & I am his.

My psychologist told me I've actually come through this (as well as the 'other' thing) fairly unscathed. 2 reasons, I never blamed myself for them happening & then could have lost my own compass & then go on to be promiscuous & I also never went down a path of self destruction. I also disassociated myself when it happened & can switch off to it. It was if I wasn't even there but above myself looking down into the room. She's heard of this before.


So wherever you are, whatever you are doing, I hope you are a happy person who was able to grow up & to learn how not to treat people. Your actions put a dark shadow in my life & you had no right to do that. You took what wasn't yours to take & you took that away from me. But you know what? I & my husband don't even count that we both disregard it, it's as if it never happened & we're both ok with that. A part of me feels sorry for you that something that special is meaningless to you, maybe its just different morals or ideas whatever I don't know but at the end of the day we're all just people looking for something.

I found mine & I hope you've found yours.