☼..

So I went to the beach
again this morning, it's been the first time in a couple of weeks.
I've really missed that time on my own.
Sure we've gone all together but
it's not the same as when it's just me.
That's my own time & it fills be back up.

It was great..no beach covered with surfer guys too..just one out there on his own.

I hate the ones who stand and just look "PISS OFF" is what I want to yell at them

Just look the other way & let me have my space. You have yours give me back my own..

Space is what I need...leave me alone.

.. I turned on my ipod
& this song came on I really feel it
speaks volumes as to where I am with my sister right now. People who don't understand
are pushing me to be there to 'fix' things with her & it's gone beyond that.

And that doesn't mean it is always going to be this way, the way that it is right now.
I know that in my heart.

Nothing is ever forever.And that maybe might include my sisters life I am well aware of this, & don't need to be reminded.  I hope I am wrong. When the time is right for me to 'go back out there' I will know it & I am ok with that.

I'm at the place again where i feel things are bigger than I/we are/am in too deep again & I'm refusing to go back where I was, & go from where I am now. I also know this from the psychological feelings I get & the anxiety is coming back more than it was. I do have my own family to consider who come first & I refuse lose the plot again because of so many others who just want me to do what they want, be the one who helps her be that strong person because according to them, I am all she has.

And the reason is that "****'s  got nobody, not even her kids all she has is you"

"How would you feel if that was you?"

I feel they are saying this because it will stop them from having to step up and to try to help her themselves...but it's not my job ffs!!! She doesn't even want help!!! She doesn't want to do things that are obvious to everyone else the bandaids shes using are not even close sticking it's not hard to see that happening & I'm not the only one saying that!!!

Aarrgghhhhh!!!!.....

I am not responsible from her and can't save her, she can only save herself. This is why I am where I am and am continuing with my psychologist vists & will be continuing them next year also.