Chapter 3 Grieving a lost Childhood

Growing up, you may have suspected that something was wrong, that your family seemed different or unhealthy, but you may not have known what specifically was the cause. You had no way of knowing what the problem was or that it had nothing to with you..

Discoveries & Reactions

Adult children of parents with BPD may learn about BPD in a variety of ways. Some have learned about it in the course of their own therapy, often for issues related to relationships, where a counselor recognizes the symptoms. Others say, they notice it though college psychology classes. Upon learning you may feel an incredible sense of relief at finally understanding that you weren't the cause of the inconsistent perhaps abusive behavior. It's also good to know you aren't alone.

Other reactions include denial -"Oh, it wasn't that bad". You may find yourself thinking "But my Mother had such a traumatic childhood, she doesn't know any better". And that may be true. About three-fourths of those with BPD experienced some type of early trauma. Still, that doesn't condone the actions of a parent toward a child. Many people have difficult childhoods; many people don't get the unconditional love & support that children deserve. But many still go on to be healthy, loving parents. More importantly, the possible reasons behind your parent's emotional difficulties don't negate or minimize the truth of your own experience.

Hope for change

Upon learning about BPD you may be overwhelmed with a multitude of emotions. Happiness, relief, sadness, anger, grief & confusion. Those emotions are healthy & understandable & they will help you to move forward.
It's like putting on a new pair of rollerskates, each day you wobble less and after a while, you hardly fall at all..soon your skating backwards & doing figure 8's. You've learned a new way.

The need to Grieve

There are numerous losses associated with learning that someone as important to you as a parent struggles with mental and emotional challenges. Grief is a normal & natural response to loss, such as the death of a loved one. It is also possible to grieve in response to a figurative death, such as the loss of a relationship or the loss of hopes & expectations you had for a relationship.

You grieve for what you never had or what may have only been periodically.

Dealing with Grief

When it comes to dealing with grief, there's no magic formula. Everybody grieves differently, for varying periods of time. You may go for months or years thinking you've dealt with your feelings, only to be reminded by a memory, a photograph, something someone says to you, that you're not quite done yet. I know that I'll never have a real mother & the one I did have, shes gone too. As you continue to read & work through grief, it's important to have someone to work with - a therapist or a trusted, insightful friend - or the very least a journal you contribute to often.

Acceptance: Coming to terms with BPD

It may sound overly simplistic or obvious, but in order to move beyond suffering in any area of your life, you must accept the situation as it is, whether you like it or not, think it's fair or not, whether you have the power to change the circumstances or not. Acceptance doesn't mean you approve; it doesn't mean you're happy about something, it doesn't mean you won't work to change the situation or your response to it, but it does mean that you acknowledge reality as it is - with all it's sadness, humor, irony & gifts - at a particular point in time.

Facing the stigma

Coming to terms with the realization that a parent may have had BDP means facing the stigma of mental illness - not a pretty topic by society's standards. In fact it's one that's often the butt of jokes, the subject of gossip, or simply ignored because it makes people uncomfortable.

What about me?

Many adult children wonder whether they might have the disorder as well. Chances are good that if you're even asking the question, you don't, since those with the disorder often find it very difficult to take ownership of their thoughts, feelings & actions.

Telling your truth to family & friends

Part of accepting the reality of your parent's shortcomings & your own circumstances is communicating your history & feelings to those close to you. As you find out about this illness & it's impact on you, it's only natural to want to confide in others. At the same time, you should be aware that others may resist hearing what you have to say & may make invalidating comments. In an ideal world, we would all get enthusiastic validation from others when we disclose personal information, but unfortunately it's not an ideal world. And because you grew up not having your feelings & perceptions acknowledged & mirrored, you may be especially sensitive to invalidation from others around you.

Invalidation

Have you ever confided in a friend about a touchy family situation or your suspicion that your parent had BPD, only to hear "Oh I am sure it wasn't that bad" or, "But your father/mother is so nice, he/she probably didn't mean it the way you think"?
It can be maddening, saddening, frustrating & terribly disappointing to have your feelings & perceptions dismissed by someone you thought understood you, who you trusted enough to confide in. But the other persons reaction doesn't negate your perceptions. Because someone doesn't agree with you or understand what you're conveying doesn't mean you're wrong.
Consider some of the reasons why a person might make invalidating comments. They include society's beliefs & myths about family & kinship.

*Blood is thicker than water
*Honor thy parents
*Love conquers all
*Keep the peace
*Don't air dirty laundry
*What will the neighbors think?

Because many consider discussions of "what goes on behind closed doors" to be off-limits in social settings, some people just may be uncomfortable talking about family dysfunction & highly emotional issues. They therefore may not have much experience and may not really know how to be a good listener or how to validate what someone else says. They may truly be intending to help, provide feedback, or offer solutions, even though you may not perceive it that way.

Everybody has issues to come to terms with. You never really know as you tell someone else your story what thoughts, emotions, and painful memories it's raising for them. Even if others don't tell you - and they many not realize themselves - your words may hit a little too close to home.
Their reactions may in fact have very little to do with your disclosures and more with their own insecurities, fears & projections.