Tuesday, August 3, 2010

It's all ok..

On my last visit just before I left, my psychologist & I briefly discussed what we thought was going to be best for this morning.
We'd decided on a couple of topics & amongst all that I said something to her which she then said to me "That's trauma. That is trauma".

TRAUMA. The word rang loudly in my head & in my heart. I walked to the the car, got in & then lost it. BANG it hit me. I had a full on panic attack which I've not had in that severity since April when all of this came to a head. I always knew deep in my mind what happened was traumatic & I knew exactly what it was but nobody had ever put it that way before as in actually saying those words to me.
"You've had trauma".

It's hard to describe but hearing the words, it was like an acknowledgment & it's like someone is telling me "It's Ok".

It took less than 5 minutes for me to be able to breathe properly & then I cried half the way home. It was releasing in a much different way for the first time in 20 something years. Sure I've talked about it to hubby but I've never dealt with it. I just got on with it. Things in life happen, you grow, time passes so it never gets resolved. But it's there underneath everything that gets added on top of it, be it good or bad & nobody really knows about it.


So today I thought "Just go with it, get it over and done with", & really very surprisingly, it wasn't as bad as I & hubby were expecting it to be, not at all.
For that I am thankful.


One of mums boyfriends 'groomed' us, to sexually abuse us. All of us I don't know, there are things I don't remember. All I see in my mind is 'black'.

There is nothing, it's empty just a void. So what I learned and was able to see today for the first time since I was 11 or 12 years old (I have no idea how old I was because that part is still just 'black') was that my brain has actually protected me by switching off to what happened, just like a victim in a car accident does, they often remember nothing.


Mum met him in a freaking shopping centre (Kawana to be exact) where he worked at Mr Minute. Another interesting thing is that i hate that area and especially those shops and will avoid at all costs if i can & this is something that my sister never understands. Driving past on the main road is ok becuase I've replaced the 'bad' memories with good but that's as far as it goes. At the time she'd broken up with the man she kicked Dad out for & I suspect this person was to make that other one jealous and just have some fun with. (not my idea of fun...).

He used to come around to our place at night, after work & we'd watch movies, he'd bring these massive bags of the yummiest popcorn it was like the stuff you'd get at the movies. To us that was the best thing ever! Yay we were always happy when he'd turn up with this. He also had a teenage son but I don't know what his name was.

I remember he once turned up to pick us up from Dad's, we were outside of a plumbing shop he was with his son. Not sure why. He started to 'babysit' us when mum was at work. He lived on the 3rd floor down from the top of a block of high rise units along the Maroochydore River, 'Banyandah Towers'.

The first time anything ever happened was in the pool/spa area. He was watching us swimming & then told me to 'remove the bottoms of my swimmers'. I knew straight away this was wrong, I never participated. He ended up telling his son to take them off for me which he did and then threw them out onto the pavers so that I had to get out to go get them.

I DO NOT remember even getting out of the pool, it's black. I wished I could remember but what I learnt today was in the very middle of our brain is the limbic system.It registers the fear that we feel in our lives, it's the radar which we know whether we are safe or whether we have to run. It is then outside of my brain which has actually 'protected' me & is why I can visually see 'nothing', that 'blackness' has looked after me and is why I was able to move on and get on with my life. She tells me that I am surprisingly really well balanced, I had to be to be the 'Mother', the adult so I guess I had no time to be anything but strong, to pull my socks up, suck it up and basically get on with it. There was always some sort of work for me to do. Responsibilities to fulfill. Mums little helper. The big sister.

I also think that being the first born I had a massive advantage over my younger siblings.

But dealing with my mind what it's reminding of is what I do struggle with but am getting much better with it.
There was another time that stands out .One night we were staying over there while mum was at work. We'd just watched the movie "Splash", we (him & us 3) were all happy & everything was fine ...next thing all I remember is being locked outside on the verandah in the dark it was freezing cold & he'd removed all of my clothes this time. So I sat there on the floor freezing holding my knees up to my chest with my arms to try & keep warm. I do not remember anything else.

I would have either physically or emotionally fought him off, so I was then punished. What for? I never did anything wrong.

And again, the outer part of my brain has just 'switched off' to it, because it was/is traumatic. I don't need it, it's protecting me. Amazing stuff really.

The last thing I do remember is sitting in the bedroom we slept in late one night crying, reasons are obvious. I didn't want to be there & I climbed up to the window and thought about jumping out but the only thing that stopped me doing it was my younger brother & sister sleeping behind me. This is where I've felt responsible for them and why my sister now doing what shes done has bothered me so much. Too emotionally involved. But I didn't want to die I just didn't want to be there & I didn't have the voice to use it. Too young.

Max heard me crying so called me into his room, for some stupid reason I went in there & he told me to get into his bed. I just did as I was told, even though I didn't want to. I don't remember if he was naked I think he may have been and it was not too long before he started to put his hands down the front of my underwear & was telling me "You're starting to grow ". I knew exactly what it meant & knew it was so wrong & I wanted to get out of there. I don't even remember getting out of there and into my own bed.

Again black, I remember nothing. It was some time later on that I told my cousin who then told her mum, who then told my parents. I do remember a lot of kerfuffle & we never saw him again and it was the only time that our mother actually stepped up to her responsibilities. She removed him from us. She could have ignored it. I do remember my Dad was unstoppable he was so angry & was not allowed to go to the unit because he probably would have killed him & it he'd not long become a black belt in tae kwon do so have no doubts whatsoever that he would have done something . And that whole time while it was happening, Dad had no idea nor did Mum, Nobody did.

He was a pedophile & we were very lucky. He got away with it. I didn't & I know my sister didn't.


SO, none of this can hurt me now, I actually feel ok about it, I don't feel as bothered by it, it's over and done with. Gone, no more. I drive past there and it's ok. It has been for a long time but I don't look up to the balcony which I can see from the road because I don't need to, it's my job to protect myself from that. It's not going to do me any good.


I would get scared and think "If it's black in my mind is that because something worse happened"? but it's not, he never actually physically hurt me i know that much & I'm just glad i 'blabbed' to my cousin when I did, we were very lucky how it turned out.

A short while ago, I told my mum I don't blame her for this happening. That it was her boyfriend who did it but i don't hold her accountable at all, when I very easily could. Sure I'm mad about other stuff but this wasn't her direct doing. To my shock she said to me

"You don't have to worry about him anymore". I asked why?

"I had him taken care of". My mind went inside out.

"HOW DO YOU MEAN MUM?" (all the while not really believing what she was about or had even to this point said)

She said it again, I told her she can't do things like that and just get away with it. She's a bitch, even at a time I am being brutally honest with her, told her everything that up until this point as well as things to come that she still to this day had no idea about, she can't even be real. She had to keep on lying.

What she did was she was trying to be the 'hero' in all of this, so her boyfriend who 'tried to whatever it was he wanted to do to us' hurt us, she made out she fixed it, she caused it then she fixed it.

Not right or fair, she will stoop as low as she has to, I can see that i am never going to have a mother & there is nothing I can do about it.

I've also switched off with my sister, as in I don't care so much what she does anymore. It doesn't mean I don't want a relationship with her but what we did have is over it will never be the same. I look at her as just a sister now and don't feel as emotionally involved anymore. I don't feel responsible for her, or looking as a 'parent figure' & It's a nice feeling to not have all that extra responsibility. It's not mine.

So in all, all of this has been extremely healing & I feel free, less angry inside & I feel really alive.I did before anyway but I guess this is a different part of me. I feel more of myself that was lost a long time ago and I love who she is ♥


So what I want is to live my life, and be treated the way I should be. And with respect. Kindness. Just like other people are, it's not much too much to ask is it?

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