My Grandparents..

I'm learning throughout all of this process that I never really allowed myself to let go or to grieve properly and move on & now I understand the enormity of why that is & how do I go about it?
Right now I can't & I don't particularly even want to & that's ok. I'm not ready at all. I've not talked about this yet either but I like how it is making sense to me whereas before it wasn't as easy to see why it still affected/s me as much as it does. So the puzzle is fitting.

But when it hits it hits hard, it's painful & it's always random. It shouldn't be this 'raw' but often it is. It's upsetting & emotionally draining but I also feel a huge sense of love and then that overwhelming loss at the same time. Where is this time that people speak of where they say "Time heals but you don't ever forget"?
Time heals NOTHING.

My sister has said to me "I don't know why you care about her so much" and weeks ago "you're a bit immature how you still get upset". Nice. The thing is she doesn't get it nobody does. She still has her 'mum'.

I know I am grieving her as my Mother & it hurts like hell but It's something I have to do at some point in my life. Be able to remember her but not with so much emotion or pain attached to it would be really nice & I think if she could she'd like that for me too. Last week I put her picture in the lounge room on the table beside the lounge & it feels nice to be able to sit there and look over at it and feel happiness & now I understand where she fit in my life. It sounds nuts but I feel peaceful sitting beside her photo but if that's what I have to do then that's what I have to do & I'm happy to do it ♥