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The first emotion that I experienced was euphoria. It was incredible! Suddenly everything made sense. I wasn't crazy!
Those times there was a conflict between what I remembered and what she swore - there was now every reason to suppose I had been right!
It was a time of things falling into place and making sense. And that was massive.
But then, a few weeks later, the pain started.
The hurt started. The 'why?'s. The bereavement, the knowledge that I had no mother, that in a very real way I had never had a real mother, and above all, that I never would. The knowledge that I was an emotional orphan, and always had been.Then came anger. How DARE she treat me like that! How dare she dismiss me so easily and neglect me and not care for me. How DARE she lie to me! How dare she dismiss my successes and feed off my tragedies.
How dare she tell me it was all my fault. How dare she make me feel like I was never good.
Then the memories started popping up. Things I had forgotten just popped into my head, and I was now seeing them through the filter of the Narcissism awareness.
Then sadness. A very deep sadness for that little me, that little innocent girl who was not properly loved, who was only fodder for her mother's Narcissism. A sadness for all the love and laughter I hadn't had. A sadness for the huge, huge loss.
Then liberation.
At this time of writing ( or copy & pasting!) I have had little contact with my Mother for just over 12 months - and the freedom and sense of safety just gets better and better.
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