How I feel

Some days I feel really good & am happy with my 'progress'. Pretty much every time I drive home from my appointment I feel this inner peace and I think of how lucky I really am that I can now understand and have been able to let go of things that have been bothering/bottling up inside of me for so long. Then there are those few days where lately I feel like shit & that I don't have that 'sister' thing anymore, I don't have it with anybody.
Sure I have my hubby but it's not the same as that 'girly girl thing' I had with my sister. I do miss her and I wish things could go back to the good times that we did have but I also feel what we did have, none of it will ever be the same again.

I could ring her up but then I have to eventually deal with her problems which she's brought upon herself from the decisions she made and that's what stops me from having any contact at all. Maybe it's just that I am not done yet so in time I'll be able to do that with no worry at all.

I see other people doing things with their Mums and it hurts that I could be doing those things with my mum but with her none of it's real. And that's all I want, REAL. It's all a game for her for the outside world to see how great a Mum she is when shes far from it.


Sure I have my girlfriends & that's great but I feel like I don't belong anywhere. No Mums, no sisters. It's either I don't do what they do therefore it makes me 'wrong' so I'm not included, or I'm looked down upon.. it's as if we all have to have the same qualities or else you don't 'qualify' to be in the 'club' so to speak. It makes me mad as hell to be honest, such a narrow minded way of thinking. Even though we all bring our own 'gifts' and we're all individual, I feel not accepted. For what reasons I don't know.

It reminds me of primary school.
So then I think "Do you really want that, is it really important?". I swing between yes & no & the more I think about it now, no thank-you. Unless of course things changed.

I'm not 'inferior' & won't be made to feel that I am just because I can't do something, maybe It's that I simply don't want to, or it's not my thing. There are my own things, my own beliefs my own way of doing things, my own priorities that matter. Certainly does not make me wrong.

Don't we have anything to learn from each-other? Wouldn't it be boring to all be the same?

Lately I wish I did have another sister at least then I could go to her and it'd not be so concentrate. I'd not feel like I am then missing something.

And then it all comes back to the one person who would never/didn't treat me like this & isn't here to pick me up when I need it. I wonder why does it have to happen that way?