I've been doing a lot of research lately, be it online or in paper form, I'm gathering heaps of information which I'm finding most of it applies to me .
I could have written all these things.

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....Children who grow up 'motherless' see the world in a different perspective than children who have their Mothers. Aside from having to grow up faster, they tend to appreciate the little things more because they realize that the things we often take for granted are far too precious to ignore. For example, when a mother and a daughter are seen at the grocery store shopping together, we often do not think anything of it. In fact, that just seems like a normal, common, everyday thing. However, through the eyes of a motherless daughter, it almost brings tears everytime she sees a mother with her daughter because she longs for that feeling of being able to shop for groceries with her own mother. Little things like that, that we often subconsciously take for granted mean the world to a child who is motherless




^^^^^This one, I have been noticing a lot lately. A couple here where we live have recently had their first baby & it's hard to not notice her Mum who comes here during the day to help her daughter. I often find myself thinking "I hope she appreciates that"..and then I realize what I've thought & stop thinking about it totally. Some people might say "What are you on about you have your Mother shes not dead, snap out of it pull your head in".

What those people don't seem to understand is that yes I DO have a living breathing Mother just down the road, but shes not here for me in any way whatsoever, she never has been and not at all in the way that I need her to be. She'd rather throw $50 at me then drive off thinking her job is done & then we don't hear from her or see her until the next big family 'gathering' but in between that she's somehow (again) caused or causes a lot of chaos. I've also realized I'm probably not the daughter that she wants/ed either.
I don't need her here holding my hand helping me to put dishes away or even hanging out my washing but what would be nice is if she could have been that sort of Mum who is there for you emotionally and actually has your back. The sort that almost everybody else seems to have.


When I think of 'Mothers', I also think about Grandma . That's where I would have this gaping hole in my heart filled. It's as if my heart is in portions. The portion where she lives is empty, red, aching, no life at all it's actually 'drained' & I can see that it's empty and then the other portion where my hubby & kids and other family members 'live', it's overflowing..it's full, vibrant, warm and really beautiful. I've got the worlds best husband and kids I adore them like you'd not believe but nobody can fill what's missing & from what I can see, always will be no matter how much i think she's here with me, she lives in me...or at least I want her to be-.

What I want is her here for real, to reach out to and to be able to touch. To hug and to kiss. To laugh and sometimes cry to.


I will always see Mothers with their adult daughters they're not going to go away and they don't even bother me every time I see it, it's mainly when it's quiet when I'm least expecting it this pang of hurt pierces me & then it goes away again. Which I guess I should be thankful for, (that it goes and not stays).


Note: My brother rang this morning & he now knows why I've been keeping away from them & that it's been his other half sticking her nose in where it's not wanted... & by his own admissions he says 'she needs to butt the hell out '.. if she ever mentions to me again that our Mum is our mum & my job is to love & forgive and be there for her and never replace her (& how would I feel if my eldest child came to me one day and told me he had a new mum..to which I replied that I'd have to look at the situation as to why he is saying that)... she'll be getting her head ripped off pretty fast by the both of us & my brother  will 'understand' as he put it. Just because she has a good relationship with her Mum does not mean the rest of the world does also. She's an extremely narrow minded person that was raised by her own proud admissions to 'never apologize' & if 'someone doesn't meet her standards of an intellectual person that is as 'high' as she is, she de-friends them'. what can I say. Not wasting any time there either. My brother could have done so much better...*sigh*...