Heeeeeee ^_^


I was a little cranky late last night...


Today was good though, I got to talk about both topics & we went over the hour, often do..it was pretty relaxing this morning, really nice actually.


I started off with saying how I want to talk about my Grandma first and that I'd done as she'd suggested & made the birthday cupcakes & it didn't take long for me to start crying. She said it's ok to feel things as much as I do, you're either a harder person or you're not & it's obvious that I am not. She's the same. She told me that it's emotional intelligence being able to show emotions & allowing them to come out as well as something else but of course I've forgotten..(I forget a lot of things but that's alright it won't be forever).

I'm happy with what she said to me,what she helped me to see & I saw today that it's not just me who gets like that.. I seem to be the only one though in my family who gets this way though, my Mum and sister are the complete opposite. Which yep make me feel like a wussy or in my own words about myself, a sap. I'm a self confessed sap.
But what it is is that I'm just wired differently but its seen as a weakness & I feel like a bit of a weirdo. When really, when I'm not around them I know I'm not.


It's also becoming increasingly apparent how much I really am like my Grandma, and I love it. I love to hear it, I love to realize it in my own quiet moments during the day & I love to hear stories about her through other family, things that I never knew and the way she'd go about her daily life & would do things. True I learnt a lot from her but it really is like she gave birth to me and not actually my own mum. It's also common my psychologist told me that often the 'children' take after their grandparents more than their own parents. And in this case, I feel really happy & know this is true for me.

I also feel in a sense re-birthed. The old me the cranky, stressed out about things, the way I'd have to have things just right, perfect done is being replaced by a more calm & relaxed me..the one who was always there looking out through all of these things that were put in front of me all those years ago when I was a little kid. I really like her.

I never told anybody this but on the morning of Grandmas birthday last week, I was still in bed. The fan was on slow & just a sheet on..hubs was in the bathroom getting ready for work & I closed my eyes and started to drift off I guess not to sleep, but just lost sense of time & where I was exactly in that moment. I started to hear him making noises in the bathroom, just opening the cupboard doors & putting things on the bench..turning the tap on & I was back to when I was a little girl laying in bed in the mornings at my grandparents house, the air was always cool & she'd be out in the kitchen (which was the next room) tidying up from breakfast that Grandpop had eaten (& by this time he had already gone to work), getting whatever it was ready that she'd do for the next time to eat and waiting for me to hop up & then we'd eat together.


What I am saying is, it was like she was here on Friday morning, with me ♥ I might sound nutty & you know what? I don't even care. This all happened on its own. I had a de-ja-vu. It made me feel full of peace & a bigger love that I can't explain & I know that it's happened before, & it was her at that time too.

It's easy for me to think shes gone shes not here because I can't see her, but she is. She's here in me & I can't think of anything more beautiful & calming..she's probably with me everyday & I just don't know it, or even care to realize..I know there have been times when she seems to be 'around' there is this presence I can't really explain let alone share it with anyone..& now there's tears of happiness welling in my eyes but I can welcome it without feeling silly or a sook..it's ok!!.

I adore her & am thankful that I had her. I can say a day hardly goes by without me thinking about her. It's hard to think that she is gone, and what I miss are those everyday things, the things that she missed even the 'nothings' she is missing.

Interestingly enough on her birthday I kept myself extra busy as I was aware that it could be a different day this year after having seen who she really was in my life & her importance to me as a mother, but I also recognized it's not just that day that I feel it is every day..and all of those things I just mentioned...


I know I am going to have to learn how to deal with when something happens to grandpop. I also know it will be an end of an era. The end of something that was so good it's almost unbearable and uncomprehendable to me to think that it won't be here anymore .. And it's all nothing I can do anything about. How do people accept this when this happens to them? Do they just suck it up & move on? I feel like this is a brick wall I can't see over. This is something I am going to have to talk about again, on another day, about Grandpop.

She also told me today that maybe it is Grandma who is my biggest loss in life & maybe it won't be on such a grand scale when it is my Grandpop. I think I get what she is saying... but losing him is going to be something i don't want to think about.