☼..

So I went to the beach
again this morning, it's been the first time in a couple of weeks.
I've really missed that time on my own.
Sure we've gone all together but
it's not the same as when it's just me.
That's my own time & it fills be back up.

It was great..no beach covered with surfer guys too..just one out there on his own.

I hate the ones who stand and just look "PISS OFF" is what I want to yell at them

Just look the other way & let me have my space. You have yours give me back my own..

Space is what I need...leave me alone.

.. I turned on my ipod
& this song came on I really feel it
speaks volumes as to where I am with my sister right now. People who don't understand
are pushing me to be there to 'fix' things with her & it's gone beyond that.

And that doesn't mean it is always going to be this way, the way that it is right now.
I know that in my heart.

Nothing is ever forever.And that maybe might include my sisters life I am well aware of this, & don't need to be reminded.  I hope I am wrong. When the time is right for me to 'go back out there' I will know it & I am ok with that.

I'm at the place again where i feel things are bigger than I/we are/am in too deep again & I'm refusing to go back where I was, & go from where I am now. I also know this from the psychological feelings I get & the anxiety is coming back more than it was. I do have my own family to consider who come first & I refuse lose the plot again because of so many others who just want me to do what they want, be the one who helps her be that strong person because according to them, I am all she has.

And the reason is that "****'s  got nobody, not even her kids all she has is you"

"How would you feel if that was you?"

I feel they are saying this because it will stop them from having to step up and to try to help her themselves...but it's not my job ffs!!! She doesn't even want help!!! She doesn't want to do things that are obvious to everyone else the bandaids shes using are not even close sticking it's not hard to see that happening & I'm not the only one saying that!!!

Aarrgghhhhh!!!!.....

I am not responsible from her and can't save her, she can only save herself. This is why I am where I am and am continuing with my psychologist vists & will be continuing them next year also.

it gets really frustrating when people tell me I should be there for my sister when the truth is I've most often always been there for her & they'd not know that because not everybody knows everything all of the time nor were they there to see it.


Also, I'm not sure why it'd be different if it were me who left my hubby and kids for a guy on the internet is any different than her. Apparently for me it'd be very out of character but for her, she's 'looking' for something.

But the thing is this, the thing she is 'looking for', she had. Didn't she?

I think it's just a big case of the grass is greener.

More like the grass is greener because it is fertilized with bullshit.

Nothing is greener.

Making better choices and thinking before acting might be this 'greener' that they speak of. I think?

I don't know because again, it's not me thinking it.


So just put the fact that she has cancer aside for a moment & yes it kinda feels yet again that she gets away 'scott free' that bad decision making is almost excused for her and I just have to be there for her & support her....and shes still being nasty when she sees fit..

Which is a heck of a lot more than what they've ever done. And a fat lot of good that has done . It's never enough. but now enough is enough, and it's bad timing I know. I never planned it to be this way.

Nobody planned for her to have Cancer either (I do realize that).



She's made her bed & is now lying in it & it's up to her to 'get up' just as others before her have done. She is not the first and will certainly not be the last

I'm here if & when she needs me & to be quite frank I don't think she wants anything to do with me anyhow. Which is ok.

I say to those who like to judge me for my decision is to 'walk a mile' & then honestly tell me how it feels & what they themselves would do.

Becomes a lot harder then doesn't it.


Mmm funny that.

Jack Johnson - Situations

Jack Johnson - Crying Shame

Zach Gill - Family ft. Jack Johnson

Sister...

how long has it been on your mind? do you think about it when we laugh?
I think that it's a big mistake cos I think that we could make it last even if it's just for a while
Wait here for now just long enough to be sure that you really wanna go through with this
Cos I don't really wanna go through with this ♥
Do you really wanna go through with this?

Another thing I've noticed is that I don't like to read back on blog posts which I've done, especially the ones that have emphasized problematic situations such as the previous one I just did before. I'm not wanting to dwell on the negatives at all it mentally tires me out.

Maybe that's the change within myself..not sure. Maybe I've heard it all before so it feels like I'm chasing circles.

hhmm

I just went back a page & read & I don't think what I said about my FOO is completely right... I'm NOT ready to cut her out of my life not at all but what I am ready for is for the bullshit to stop. And of course this has done, because I've not seen or spoken to her.

So how I feel is this. When she can get her own life sorted out & gets rid of her hangups she has & can be a responsible person in her actions, words, choices & emotions then I wouldn't mind having a relationship with her. That's if she even wants one. I don't think it will be soon either because people have to come to their own things in their own time.

And all that is there atm is hurt, lies, jealousy & 'he said she said' words.

And she needs to stop listening to people who seem to be playing in this circle of 'dislike'. But they're her only support so, not sure when or if anything will happen. And I do know the one main person in her life is nothing short of a manipulating fucktard. It's almost as if he keeps her away from family because he knows she might 'see out'. Mind games big time, it's so easy to see.

I do know shes bullshitted to Dad, I honestly think she does not even get 'anything' yet. She's not ready to, she's trying to do this on her own & without proper help..which is what she needs.

She gets the help but it's help which is suiting herself..and not always honest help..more like omitting the truth type help. Surrounding herself with people that tell her what she wants to hear...

One good example is that she never cheated ..ah huh. Gotcha.

Nor did she ask her dickheaded  boyfriend to drive her past their house the night on which he took her on a 'date',the week before she actually left her family.. with her own family inside the house who could have been actually outside at the time taking the rubbish out or whatever they might be doing at any given moment... And I only know this because she told me when it happened.

Again she lies, denied it, said I made that up..not sure what I'd get out of this for making it up though... do you?


SO I know she is not dying of cancer & she thinks I don't care about her or am there for her. I am but I'm not going to tell her what she wants to hear nor am I going to allow her to use her self being sick as any sort of leverage.

At any moment that her cancer is or will become 'unstable' I'll be very available to her if and when she wants it. Until then, shes got to sort her own self out because right now together, we're no good and the brick wall is full of holes that I can't fix & I won't. It's insurmountable.

busy..

.. What have I been doing lately..hhmm lots of things. Normal stuff that we do as a family, schooling,a bit of catching up.. bbq's in crazy weather & I'm sure there is more which I've forgotten. Just life really:)

I've been reading a number of books for a while now all self help books (which I love) and just read another 2 fairly short books this past week I found at the library - both totally off topic but biographies which I really enjoy.
I squished them in over a few days in between reading my other books, as part of taking some more time out, which when I recognize I need it, I make sure I fit myself in...I've not even finished my second last blog about grandma. I'll get there.

I'm in no hurry:) Other things need to happen first. And besides that, I feel I need more time to talk about her on a coming Tuesday.

Tomorrow I know we are going to talk about Emotions so I am really looking forward to that. It's probably one of the only ones I've not really had a clue about what is going to happen beforehand so I am very interested in this one, as I have been with all.

I find it really easy to express my emotions I always have done even as a teeny thing, it's never been an issue for me. I know I am an emotional person & feel 'emotions' easily so yeah, whatever tomorrow is about bring it on:)

interesting but not..

It's been so peaceful & 'no stress' around here lately, gone back to how it was before those 3 weeks of 'contact' with 3 people in particular.


Not surprising really though is it.

It's a pretty good indication don't you think? hubs has noticed I'm back how I was before .. if push comes to shove which I am honestly half expecting it will.

I would avoid it if I could but they don't give you much choice.


Hmmmm......☼

Much excited

I don't have enough time to post but I think I've realized this morning stuff to do with my Grandma. Basically she's still here with me, I feel her & she lives in me. She's not here physically but that doesn't mean that I've lost her for good..maybe you might think "What is she on now?" but for me it's a big step in the direction . This is what I wanted. I have to put groceries *bahhh* away now but I'll come back after I've read the chapter fully on 'Loss' in the 7 challenging days book (dr phil book I was talking about).

It's ok for me to miss her it's ok for me to cry as much as I do but the thing that I CAN do is honour her, with my own life :) ♥

I can do that.. Yep I can xxx

today

What a beautiful family I have♥
That we've made together


I'm exactly where I thought I'd be, where I could see myself as a 5 year old girl, well before her parents separated


Eat that 'yesterday, shame, hurt, pain, tears, frightened, angry & Mr negative'!!!


"Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong"
Winston Churchill ☼

MADONNA - MUSIC - STICKY AND SWEET TOUR CD - BUENOS AIRES ARGENTINA

♪ I'm not your bitch don't hang your shit on me

I'm breaking all the rules I didn't make
EXPRESS YOURSELF DON'T REPRESS YOURSELF
You took my words and made a trap for silly fools
You held me down & tried to make me break♪

♪ I just wanna be there when you discover...

Cheaters YOU suck!!!

The thing that hurts the most is that deep down I really love mum & it's when shes blatantly in my face & doesn't care, when she hurts with her yelling, her tone of voice & her words & tries to manipulate me I see it as if I've never seen it before & I get upset all over again. I probably won't ever work that part of it out. Strange I know.


I did have her once even if it was for a short while. We've still had happy times over the years but still, this blog would not be here if she was not the way she is. And I own some of this, sure I do but I didn't ask to be born yet alone emotionally abused by the one person who is meant to be anything but.

Yesterday was really stressful & subsequently I internalized it, hence how I was feeling. I was feeling the effects of anxiety in my body, sore muscles in my back & so on.
The day started out pretty good with an early morning walk on the beach, Jack playing loudly on my ipod. Then went home got ready & went off to my fortnightly visit which I really enjoy going to.

Having said that, I usually write Tuesdays 'off ' because I am never sure how things will feel or be after having had my psych visit that morning..it's just easier for me (& subsequently everybody else!)to not put on any extra pressure/s, to just rest my mind which is what I need to do.
Some Tuesdays are fine & other Tuesdays I curl up in bed & sleep & then I wake up feeling 'refreshed' again. It's actually really draining mentally & emotionally.


Yay for a new day though!!!

A really interesting thing that cemented home to me this morning while reading the first chapter in one of our Dr Phil books titled 'Real Life: Preparing for the 7 Most Challenging Day of Your Life' is the first chapter 'Stress'.


The past few weeks have been exactly that. A few big stresses. Finding out my sister has cancer was the biggest stress.
4 days later I then had my birthday which was a really nice distraction from all of this that has been going on for me this year . The best present for me though was finding out the night before that my sisters cancer is a grade1. Which is good if you're going to have it.It's not a 2 or a 3..4 being you have to finalize your life & prepare. She will have an 85% chance of survival. I said will.....

My sister at this stage (because she see's it that she's not dying yet and has the time) is refusing modern medicine, preferring to shrink the cancer on her own with diet & other therapies, refusing chemotherapy & radiotherapy as well as surgery to remove her actual organs because even though the cancer is encapsulated it's actually too big for them to remove without having to take organs.

However this is her choice, I have to respect that. Which I do. Doesn't mean I have to like it.
I know I don't like it or agree but if she wants to use some time then it will only be her in the end to blame if her cancer spreads.

She is choosing to ignore Doctors advice, shes trying to tell me the poison they put into her body is worse than the cancer itself...hhmm...okayyyyyy then.

She also tells me one thing & gets me emotionally involved, then tells the truth to other people, with everything. So wants my support but lies at the same time. One minute you are helping her and she loves you the next she hates your guts.


Now I probably appear really cold. I'm not at all with what I'm about to say but make of it what you will.

Some big shits just recently gone down...my brothers girlfriend is involved. 

I don't want anything to do with her or my sister anymore. It's not her choices on her cancer, it's everything else. Our entire lives as sisters. It's not good, rarely has been. We're no good together. Cancer can't even repair us.


There is more but I'm letting it go. None of it was true. It's removed from my mind and it's staying that way. Accusations were thrown around, a 3rd party was involved...I'm out. I don't want to be involved in this sort of thing anymore because it seems to be a game that goes around and around..people playing head games & so on. In ways my sister is already dead to me and it's been like that for the most part of the last 2 & a bit years. Harsh words I know, but it's the cold hard truth, whether people like it or not.

And it's usually those people who have not had this sort of thing happen with them that say "But she's your sister".

And?? Maybe they have normal families so can say that.

The rest of my family, is great. I know what is normal and what is not and none of this is. It's all extremely negative. If they were friends I'd cut ties also.


It's like being in a bad relationship, nothing changes unless you take action. And on the whole I think I do but I don't really. What I really do is ignore it/them & it's not until a problem of some sort presents itself & then I lose the plot totally. Sometimes it can be the smallest of detail but it's enough.

I now have no contact details at all. She is out of my mind, and my stress levels have reduced dramatically as they had done on and off during the past 2 and a half years. Ot And it's not about sticking my head in the sand.

I do have a peace about my decision.

We are never going to have a normal, friendly, loving relationship. It's too flawed, strained. Always been strained & it's not just the normal sibling rivalry it's a lot more . It's always been full of false accusations, jealousy just to mention a few. It feels as if I am not allowed to be my own self, have my own family separate from them. Not separated as in nothing to do with each-other but the time I have for my husband & kids isn't easily 'shared' to be at their every whim. Which always seems is never enough.

Mum & Pam are so alike. History repeated itself. She learnt well. They're both cut from the same mould.

I do know I am tired of trying to help her & to be there, only to be labelled 'evil', 'toxic' & there is more. It feels like there are too many players in our relationship which sabotage and play against us.

Our Mother has helped to create this bad relationship that we have. Always playing one against the other. My sister the favoured one, me not. That was always made very clear & it still is.

My Mother was here Monday morning & looked me straight in the face and lied again. She doesn't care. It doesn't even register.


She is definitely next in line I am ready more than ever to tell her "We will see you once a year at Christmas & no more. Do not contact, do not worm your way back in & if you don't like that it will be down to nothing at all".

She had our 2nd son for a week, with my nieces. It was the first time ever that she's had any of our kids and within 15 minutes of him being dropped off she had gone over 3 boundaries. No shame, no feelings just totally rail-roading over the top of me as his Mum & all to make me look the bad guy. Manipulating now not only myself but adding our kids to the game. We gave her a chance, and she's blown it.


That's where the line is drawn, with our children.

That's right they are my husbands as well as my kids.

They are OUR kids. My mum calls me a child, then I think she sees my kids as her kids or something I'm not sure. But she's degrading. She forgets they do have a Dad also.

She had her kids, she made some less than ideal choices with herself primarily in mind with enormous consequences. This is not her chance to make up for that through her grandkids.



WE make the choices as to what happens with our kids & we together have made our decision.

Simple 'no' is not enough. A good example of her this week is she wants to have Sarah. She says "I want all my babies here"..except they aren't her babies.
I have told her no & the reason other than either of us trust her is that Sarah still holds her breath occasionally & it's still a worry for us. She doesn't have seizures anymore thankfully & it's been almost 4 years since we've had to call for an Ambulance but nonetheless it still happens.

SO she tells me she will watch her..I said to her she doesn't understand..the thing is she ignores them really..so Sarah could be somewhere else & if she holds her breath mum won't know or see.

She's still not bothered & continued on. I told her she will smash her head on the concrete or wherever she is, which is what almost happened at least twice since living where we are. YOu don't have to watch her like a hawke but you must be aware pretty much at all times, call out to her if she does go quiet, it's just something she will grow out of and appears to be which is a very good thing.

In the last month we found her crumpled up on the bathroom floor, she hit her head & had a lump.

Again...Mum is not listening. And this is just another reason she shows us that she is not a responsible person when it comes to kids. She also has no respect for the use of car seats either.


I'll stop here.

SO



Suddenly it feels a lot less stressful...it all feels right. And I am not going to ignore it this time to keep other people happy. Look where that has gotten me. Nah-uh.

No more.

Elton John - Someone Saved My Life Tonight

I need a hug from my dad. Today's visit was exactly the right timing for 'things' & now I'm feeling it.
My back is sore I'm tired & I want to cry & just go to sleep. My nieces are here until this afternoon playing in the kids rooms & hubby has gone for a ride up the street with our eldest, so for now I'll sit here & pull myself together & maybe this can be the release that I need to let out


xox Dad

"I'm Still Standing"

You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use

And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I'm coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah

Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now

The 11th hour

I can't see that this will be my second last visit tomorrow, what I have to do is wait until all of my 12 appointments have been completed and then I can try for more. Fingers crossed I can continue them this year and if worst comes, next January which is not that long away but longer than I think I can go for but whatever happens happens & either way I am looking forward to continuing on this 'journey'. I've really enjoyed it if that makes sense. It's been uplifting, scary at times & also an enormous relief to have it all 'out'.

Of me.


I feel somewhat different, more at peace with myself, calmer & in general I am a bit quieter & happy to watch the world go by & just observe it, for now.


Speaking of observing, tomorrow would have been my Dad & Mums 36th Wedding Anniversary.


I'm not at all upset about it I haven't been for a really long time, it's just a day now that I don't forget & probably will never forget but instead to think about to myself & wonder "what if".

BUT there is no benefit in staying in that moment for too long, I'd not be where I am today had all of these things good & bad not taken place. I'd change nothing, well almost nothing.


Who am I kidding? I'd have slept those 5 years away If I could.

PS. hey..your sister has cancer..yeah I know But I am trying hard to pretend she really hasn't that was just a bad dream.

I've made blog posts & deleted them. I think because I made them in extreme anger then I realized I never wanted this negativity again. But it's back, but shortlived. I know how to deal with her this time & am keeping my cool, as in not affecting me like it did earlier this year.

Because I'm not conforming to what it is they want, shit hits the fan & in a big way.

All I can say is that a leopard never changes it's spots. Sick or not. And the nastiness coming out and all from something she did & me not bending over and taking it like I often did & never should have. Not to mention her denying the lot & then calling me a toxic, evil person who she wants nothing to do with. Tanty chucking at it's best & I'm not even bothered this time.
I'm also apparently jealous of everybody else and she hopes I have a good life... errr :/

wtf??!!

STOP!

It just goes around & around.. Why is it that within this year of me taking a break from certain family members, that our life became a lot less stressful & basically no drama's at all? Then in the last month it's all come back tenfold..a good lesson I think. I do know my DH is at his tether & is ready to rip off anybodies head that he needs to. He's over it as much as I am and can see they've been 'allowed' by us both as to not be rude to them or to hurt their feelings, to behave in this manner for far too long & it's all about to come to a major halt.

*Breathes out*

Why now?

I'm sitting here ready to blog & all I want to do is cry. I only have 2 more sessions left and I don't think I'm ready to 'do it on my own' yet.

Am I? Or am I just scared?

And scared of what?

I feel 'safe' going, it's been my time out & I'm not ready to give it all up just yet.
I've almost run out of what Medicare covers you but I know I can ring my GP & he can arrange me some more.

I'm not sure what to do part of me says "tommorrow you won't even care don't worry about it" but another says
"Get a few more what will it hurt?"

Nothing.

Today my sister told me she has cancer
xxx

jack johnson - no good with faces

turn your love - jack johnson

Dreams

I had the weirdest dream last night. I was at my Grandma's funeral. The room was well lit & I was standing beside her coffin & looked over to my Dad who was sitting a few rows back.. I told him to "come up here don't be down there". Her coffin was a warm amber & it looked normal. The next minute it was thin in depth, about 10cm high & I'm not sure why.

A man from the funeral home brought a small round dish over & on that was some of her hair & I looked at it with a mixture of wonder & horror & not understanding any of it. Wondering why they'd saved it.
When I woke up this morning it was fresh on my mind & it wasn't one of those dreams that make you feel bothered or disturbed, it was actually nice I had a dream about her even though it was about her death.

I just googled this to try to understand it & I think it makes sense..

To dream that you are at somebody else's funeral, signifies that you are burying an old relationship and closing the lid on the past. You may be letting go some of the feelings (resentment, anger, hostility toward someone) that you have been clinging onto.


Wow.
The thing is though I don't have any resentment, anger or hostility towards her, only the opposite.
This Tuesday the discussion is going to be about my Grandparents & I wonder if in my subconscious I am getting ready to 'say goodbye'. I don't want to though I never want to let go & right now I'm almost crying just thinking that this could happen.

Just like every other 'experience' that has happened & bothered me, has been fairly easy for me to see & to let go of & I've let them go & am still in the process of.

But I am not letting go, if I do that I'm afraid I've lost her forever. Which I know I already have physically but not mentally or inside. That's all there is left. I try to let go but I can't. It's just a part of me, like she was a part of me.

But this feels different in not wanting to let go because she really was my mum.

My Grandma, was my softest place in the world to fall.

She had my back & I had hers.
I miss her like nothing else, it all only feels like yesterday.


We lived with my Grandparents when I was a newborn baby. I know now (she admitted it a couple of months ago) that Mum never felt anything towards me until I was about 6 months old, mainly because she was scared of taking care of me. Bonding with my Grandma makes sense in every sense of the word.

It feels like yesterday that I was my own daughters age. I also remember going over there in the dark early hours of the morning with Mum & Dad the day that my little sister was born. I stayed with them & remember going to the hospital that night to see her.


And spending some (well lots) of weekend/s at their house. All the things we'd do & the smells, I can remember it all. I can't even begin to explain how good it was because you won't understand.Or maybe you will. It was our own 'utopia'.
We were so close & I looked up to her & I was the best thing since my Dad had been born ♥
I can still hear her voice in my mind the way she'd say "Ohh Darling". She had her own way of saying it.

She used to feed me up always. Thought I was hungry probably because I was a skinny little thing & she'd come in at night after I'd gone to bed to ask me "Are you hungry?" I'd always say I was & we'd go back out to the kitchen & she'd make me something yummy.

In the middle of the nights I'd go to her side of the bed to go to the toilet & they had an outside toilet which was freezing cold but she'd not once complain & stand there waiting for me, then put me back to bed.

I'd wake up . She'd still have the table set just for me & her & she'd cook toast in the wood fire. My god it was good & I remember going back home refusing to eat 'toaster toast' lol.

We'd eat cornflakes together & then we'd clean up & I'd help her do chores. It was fun.
Then we'd do stuff, all sorts of things just me & her.Sometimes we'd go shopping.

She taught me how to do things, things that my own NM never. Like how to set the table, how to make a bed & how you put the top sheet seam side up so that when you fold it back at the top over the blanket, it was nice & neat.

We used to collect chocolate wrappers in the tins they came in because 'the colours were so pretty' & we'd get them out & & group them all up & count them. . Little plastic farm & jungle animals, dolls out on the driveway in the morning sun..they also live across the road from the park & we'd go over there to the swings. All this stuff all this good stuff is what makes my heart smile &

I don't think I have grieved her. Actually I don't think I know I haven't. Instead I've closed my mind to it. I know she won't be coming back & I know i never got to say a proper goodbye to her, I never said goodbye at all.

When she was sick I never let on to her that i knew she had Cancer. And she never let on to me either. We were trying to protect each-other, from hurting and upsetting each-other.

The only thing she did say was "Silly Grandma hurting her leg hey"
And I just smiled & agreed when all the while I knew and I wonder if she did deep down too that i knew.

She'd gone shopping with her neighbor . She was stepping down 2 brick steps in the neighbors garage when her bone between her knee and her ankle 'snapped'.

She went to hospital & that was when they found her body was riddled with Cancer. Nobody had had any idea.

She'd previously had lumps removed from her Breasts many times and in the end it was secondary cancer that killed her. Bone cancer.

I remember the day Dad rang me to tell me that Grandma had cancer. It was like the world just stopped & all back ground noise disappeared. Dad said to me that they didn't think she'd live until her next birthday which was that coming November. She ended up surprising us all & lived until the following Easter.
What is there to say? I walked over to  (who was my boyfriend at the time), work to wait for him that night he was just about to finish working at the Servo & just sat there, digested it & waited.

He got to meet her & she said to me "he's a nice young man" & we both just smiled & knew. I think they only met twice before she died. She gave her 'approval' ♥ I'm glad to have had that I could have missed that also. Add it to the long list of things she missed out on.

We actually missed her funeral service, we only arrived just as the people were coming out of the chapel & her body had already been put into the car. We followed them to the Garden where she is buried but even then the whole thing didn't seem real. I still can't comprehend death very well.

The funny thing is this. Hubby told me after I'd met him that he asked God to send him someone to love, he didn't want to be alone in his life, there had been no-one special to him, & looking back, I think that he was sent to me because she was going. Did she somehow send him to me? I think someone 'upstairs' did.

She died a year & a half before we got married.

On our Wedding Day I wore her engagement ring on my right hand, she was there with me . It might sound corny but the diamond solitaire symbolized her eyes to me & it was my Dad who wanted me to have it, and brought it down for me 3 months before we got married.

Some people might be reading this & think "Ohh the little sap only married him because she had nobody else". Not true. Whether we had have been 30, 40 or even 70 when we had met we'd still have gotten married. We both knew the instant that we saw each-other all those years ago.

And I'm just grateful I got to share that with her, if only a small part.



I'm thankful that I had her I could have had no Mother figure at all & turned out to be a bitter person who continued it with her own children. I wish she was still here.

enya-only time

A quick post..

Much to my surprise overcoming 'this one' was much easier than I could have ever imagined it to be. And it's funny a word I used in my last post

Shame.

That is exactly how I feel about what happened. Because I never planned it or wanted it to happen, let alone the way that it did. I feel shame from the way my mother handled it, the way she blatantly spoke of it to anybody & everybody & often as if I was not even there. I felt like my entire being, all my own morals were now gone and everybody thought badly of me & thought they were hearing the truth. Or that's how I saw it.

One thing I did learn was that I never blamed myself for this, I blame 'him' for doing it for pre-planning it (& it would have been for weeks before that when he'd ask me if i wanted to lose my virginity whilst walking past his group at school). I also blame my NM the way she was not there yet again for me . She had no problem, really with sex that young so no matter whatever I said to her, it was totally ok what happened It was just that I never 'consulted' her first. How can you consult some one of something that you have no idea it's going to happen?

It was date rape, to me rape is still too strong a word. I think because it wasn't violent, but it was still forced & the no's & trying to remove myself were not listened to at all.

Do I hate him? No I don't think so. He could be a number of things now.

He could be grown with children of his own, daughters. Whom he might look at and know how he disrepected women & nobody will ever do that to his own little girls.

Or there is a very good chance he could even be dead.
Or still be doing what he was doing then, but now and living in a meaningless life.


Whatever it is, I don't care. I'm happy, I'm safe, it doesn't matter anymore. That was another 'life' not mine now. I have an amazing husband who never made me do anything until I was ready. He's my safe place to fall & I am his.

My psychologist told me I've actually come through this (as well as the 'other' thing) fairly unscathed. 2 reasons, I never blamed myself for them happening & then could have lost my own compass & then go on to be promiscuous & I also never went down a path of self destruction. I also disassociated myself when it happened & can switch off to it. It was if I wasn't even there but above myself looking down into the room. She's heard of this before.


So wherever you are, whatever you are doing, I hope you are a happy person who was able to grow up & to learn how not to treat people. Your actions put a dark shadow in my life & you had no right to do that. You took what wasn't yours to take & you took that away from me. But you know what? I & my husband don't even count that we both disregard it, it's as if it never happened & we're both ok with that. A part of me feels sorry for you that something that special is meaningless to you, maybe its just different morals or ideas whatever I don't know but at the end of the day we're all just people looking for something.

I found mine & I hope you've found yours.

Grandma♥..

"Where you going?"...." I'm leaving you ".. "No you aint".... come back all I know is I love you too much ♥

Eminem ft Rihanna - love the way you lie lyrics

All this commotion, emotions run deep as oceans exploding

What do you do?

When your mother isn't there for you but is there for everybody else & you & both her know it?
It's her way of always putting you in your place, of letting you know who is boss & while you live under her roof you go by her rules or you can get out.
But she never listens to you or is never there, what if your standards are actually higher than hers but because she has no boundaries she has no clue that you indeed have any. What do you do when your mother comes home & thinks the sex her daughter just had was consentual  when it's actually not at all. She doesn't look at me long enough to listen because she's too busy ranting & raving about how she wanted you to come to her first but you didn't. What if you didn't go to her first because you didn't even know what was about to happen after she went out for the afternoon you never wanted it to happen let alone plan it??!!

What if it just happened & you had no voice to speak up for yourself? What if you saying 'no' over again was not listened to & it happens anyway?

Her decibel rises, the neighbors close hear everything because she's yelling, and then she starts the phone calls to family to tell my Dad & Grandparents? .." do you know what your darling daughter has just done?". How do you answer that when all you want is for her to STOP & listen? But again she hasn't & won't.

Then how does it feel to be asked by him every week after school "HEY are you pregnant?"
How would I know I don't even have a clue.

I've never talked to my Dad about this because I feel too ashamed & he doesn't know the truth. My Grandma died not knowing the truth & that hurts the most.


I will find out tomorrow how to deal with this one & somehow find a place to let it be. I am unsure how old I actually was, 13 or 14 I have no idea which one I don't need to remember.
I feel angry but I know it will be ok & one less hurdle. It's an old chapter & it can't hurt me anymore unless I let it. Right now I feel really angry.
What would you do if this was your daughter? I know what I'd do.

Thankful

I'd been thinking about this for a while so yesterday morning I decided to ring my Aunty who took care of us for the majority of the time after Mum & Dad separated.

She is actually my mothers Aunty.

Her sister was my Mums birth mother.
And it was their parents who then raised my Mum.



It's still a bit confusing for me to place them and try to picture them because I either never knew some of these people, or I was very young when they died & don't remember a real lot about them as I did spend most of my earlier time with with my Dad's parents (Grandma & Grandpop).



I wanted my Aunty to know that from going on this journey that I am very thankful to her and what she did for us isn't just 'nothing'..as I knew she'd say it was when I talked to her about it yesterday.

No, it is a big thing, she helped to raise us 3 and she not only did a fantastic job but she was there for us and helped to give stability to us when we most needed it.

Each holiday break from school was either spent at my Dad's house, my Grandparents or at our Great Aunty & Uncle's house. I remember wanting to know why we had to go away every break and NM said "I need a break".

But if we were already at school all day everyday, then why did she need a break every school holiday from us, as well? We'd go to Dad's every 2 weeks, she did get time to herself. It made me feel like we were in a sense 'disposable', & I felt less valued the older I became . It felt the older we got, the less special we were. Truth is the older we got, the more clued on I know I became & not because I wanted to but more because I had to.

At my Aunties house we'd have the most fun. She also taught us how to be responsible, we helped when it was chore day (which we hated LOL) but there was so much more. It really was our second home. I'm also thankful our Aunty did not ring DOCS as she had said she was going to because it would have separated the 3 of us. Looking back now it's scary stuff. SO so thankful♥.
It was also the same Aunty who found out about 'that man' & then did what she needed to do.


She was and is an special person for what she did, the things she taught us & the way she made us feel like we were included in everything. We were an 'extension' of their family & going there felt like it was 'home' too. We never felt like outsiders not once. Subsequently my cousin & I are close, well not as much now but as kids we were like sisters. Life just gets busy now but we do keep in touch when we can & we always pick up where we left off the last time.


Really, all of our family extended  as well as one of my grandpops  sisters who one I am very close to now & have always had a soft spot for whilst growing up. She's the closest thing I have to a Mum & a Grandma. We talk on the phone every week, we're very alike & we always finish our phonecalls with 'I love you'.

I think I'm a bit blessed ♥.


I do feel lucky despite looking back at why things happened, what happened & what could have happened. We were surrounded by lots of love & family xxxx

Madonna - Oh 'Mother'

♥ ♪ I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one

How to Forget The Past | eHow.com

How to Forget The Past | eHow.com

So Cathartic.

I am just going to copy & paste this extract, it's easier and it gets 'out' what I've been feeling & really I can't be bothered finding my own words to say it.

********************************************************

The first emotion that I experienced was euphoria. It was incredible! Suddenly everything made sense. I wasn't crazy!
Those times there was a conflict between what I remembered and what she swore - there was now every reason to suppose I had been right!

It was a time of things falling into place and making sense. And that was massive.

But then, a few weeks later, the pain started.

The hurt started. The 'why?'s. The bereavement, the knowledge that I had no mother, that in a very real way I had never had a real mother, and above all, that I never would. The knowledge that I was an emotional orphan, and always had been.
Then came anger. How DARE she treat me like that! How dare she dismiss me so easily and neglect me and not care for me. How DARE she lie to me! How dare she dismiss my successes and feed off my tragedies.
How dare she tell me it was all my fault. How dare she make me feel like I was never good.
Then the memories started popping up. Things I had forgotten just popped into my head, and I was now seeing them through the filter of the Narcissism awareness.
Then sadness. A very deep sadness for that little me, that little innocent girl who was not properly loved, who was only fodder for her mother's Narcissism. A sadness for all the love and laughter I hadn't had. A sadness for the huge, huge loss.
Then liberation.

At this time of writing ( or copy & pasting!) I have had little contact with my Mother for just over 12 months - and the freedom and sense of safety just gets better and better.

---

♥hubster

Beautiful Eminem

Madonna - Devil Wouldn't Recognize You

As quiet as it is tonight
You'd almost think you were safe
Your eyes are full of surprises
They cannot predict my fate
Waiting underneath the stars
There's something you should know
The angels they surround my heart
Telling me to let you go



I bet he couldn't
I bet he couldn't recognize
But I played right into it
Who am I to criticize
Somehow I get the feelin that you don't even
Realize you've fallen for your own disguise

It's like over and over you're pushing me
Right down to the floor
I should just walk away.
Over and over I keep on coming back for more
I play into your fantasy
Now that it's over
You can lie to me right through your smile
I've seen behind your eyes
Now I'm sober, no more intoxicating my mind

Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, But I do
Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, but I do
Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, but I do
Even the devil wouldn't recognize you, but I do, I do, I do


You almost fooled yourself this time
Let all the saints be praised
You hide your sadness behind your smile
And you keep your lost heartbreaks
The steps that edge along the ledge
Is much higher than it seems
But I've been on that ledge before
You can't hide yourself from me

Madonna Miles Away

12. Madonna - Voices [Hard Candy Album]

Treat me like a curse
Then tell me I'm your saviour
I'm never with the stranger
I used to know so well
Waiting for your answer
Is a kind of torture
Could I grow accustomed to this kind of hell?

Are you walking the dog, 'cause that dog isn't new
Are you out of control, is that dog walking you
Haven't you had enough, now your time is up
Baby show me your hand

Voices start to ring in your head
Tell me what do they say
Distant echoes from another time
Start to creep in your brain
So you play madness like it's convenient
You do it so often that you start to believe it
You have demons so nobody can blame you
But who is the master and who is the slave?

First you say you love me
Then you wanna leave me
Then you say you're sorry
You play the game so well
I bought your illusion
You're the greatest salesman
How could I refuse you
When you sold it to yourself

Your mother is supposed to protect you and mind you..

- and here she is turning on you. There is no protection against it.

There are no limits to what they'll do or say in the throes of their rage. They'll eviserate your personality, your very Self. It's like soul- annihilation. It's so destructive and vicious. It's a self-esteem destroyer.

Narcissistic Mothers have many subtle - and sometimes not so subtle - forms of abuse.

She lies to us and about us. She insults us, sometimes so subtly that we're left wondering if we imagined it. Sometimes the insults are wrapped in a cloak of concern, "Poor you, you're always so confused".

She demeans us and doesn't respect us whatsoever.

She ignores us when it suits her and overwhelms us what that suits her.

She manipulates us, our feelings and our situations for her pleasure.

She controls us, using us as a pawn to get her narcissistic supply.
She ignores our personal boundaries, both physical and emotional. She treats us as an object, only existing for her gratification. She denies our basic existence, our very humanity.
She can't be trusted. She says one thing one day, and another the next.
She misuses your vulnerabilities. She knows them, as your mother.

Parentification is the trait in Narcissistic Mothers of expecting her daughter to look after her instead of the other way around.

This parentification can take the form of the daughter being expected to meet physical needs far beyond her age, such as clothes-washing (her own, or her own and her mother's), cooking, minding younger siblings, fetching and carrying for her mother and so on.

But it can also take the form of the daughter being expected to take care of her mother's emotional needs. In this case her mother will probably speak very inappropriately to her daughter of her relationships (including her relationship with the daughter's father if that's still relevant), of her sex life, of her issues and concerns.

This process of parentification is very abusive as the daughter, correctly judging this as the price of her mother's approval, and not knowing any better, tries to take on the burden of meeting those needs.

This means that she is not paying attention to her own needs and desires and attending to the important business of growing up. And it also means that she's trying to do stuff she's just not equipped for.

Parentification is a huge burden to put on a small girl, but one that Narcissistic Mothers put on without conscience.

Warm ☼

2 words...


ASSERTIVE/BOUNDARIES.



Can it get any better than this? I finally have the key I've been looking for & I have to tell you it feels pretty damned good ♥


So from here on in, they are not just words on a screen, written on a piece of paper or read in a book . They represent what I've had 'missing' from my vocabulary for a really long time.. the even better thing is that I've even been able to put this into place, & successfully.

And I have to say it feels pretty good, I think I'm almost home & taking back what is rightfully mine ♥


4 more weeks (ok 2 months to go) and 3 big topics to cover. Seriously, I wish I had have done this sooner, but the timing wasn't right...better late than never though xxxx

Madonna - Inside Of Me

My Grandparents..

I'm learning throughout all of this process that I never really allowed myself to let go or to grieve properly and move on & now I understand the enormity of why that is & how do I go about it?
Right now I can't & I don't particularly even want to & that's ok. I'm not ready at all. I've not talked about this yet either but I like how it is making sense to me whereas before it wasn't as easy to see why it still affected/s me as much as it does. So the puzzle is fitting.

But when it hits it hits hard, it's painful & it's always random. It shouldn't be this 'raw' but often it is. It's upsetting & emotionally draining but I also feel a huge sense of love and then that overwhelming loss at the same time. Where is this time that people speak of where they say "Time heals but you don't ever forget"?
Time heals NOTHING.

My sister has said to me "I don't know why you care about her so much" and weeks ago "you're a bit immature how you still get upset". Nice. The thing is she doesn't get it nobody does. She still has her 'mum'.

I know I am grieving her as my Mother & it hurts like hell but It's something I have to do at some point in my life. Be able to remember her but not with so much emotion or pain attached to it would be really nice & I think if she could she'd like that for me too. Last week I put her picture in the lounge room on the table beside the lounge & it feels nice to be able to sit there and look over at it and feel happiness & now I understand where she fit in my life. It sounds nuts but I feel peaceful sitting beside her photo but if that's what I have to do then that's what I have to do & I'm happy to do it ♥

Madonna - Gone

How I feel

Some days I feel really good & am happy with my 'progress'. Pretty much every time I drive home from my appointment I feel this inner peace and I think of how lucky I really am that I can now understand and have been able to let go of things that have been bothering/bottling up inside of me for so long. Then there are those few days where lately I feel like shit & that I don't have that 'sister' thing anymore, I don't have it with anybody.
Sure I have my hubby but it's not the same as that 'girly girl thing' I had with my sister. I do miss her and I wish things could go back to the good times that we did have but I also feel what we did have, none of it will ever be the same again.

I could ring her up but then I have to eventually deal with her problems which she's brought upon herself from the decisions she made and that's what stops me from having any contact at all. Maybe it's just that I am not done yet so in time I'll be able to do that with no worry at all.

I see other people doing things with their Mums and it hurts that I could be doing those things with my mum but with her none of it's real. And that's all I want, REAL. It's all a game for her for the outside world to see how great a Mum she is when shes far from it.


Sure I have my girlfriends & that's great but I feel like I don't belong anywhere. No Mums, no sisters. It's either I don't do what they do therefore it makes me 'wrong' so I'm not included, or I'm looked down upon.. it's as if we all have to have the same qualities or else you don't 'qualify' to be in the 'club' so to speak. It makes me mad as hell to be honest, such a narrow minded way of thinking. Even though we all bring our own 'gifts' and we're all individual, I feel not accepted. For what reasons I don't know.

It reminds me of primary school.
So then I think "Do you really want that, is it really important?". I swing between yes & no & the more I think about it now, no thank-you. Unless of course things changed.

I'm not 'inferior' & won't be made to feel that I am just because I can't do something, maybe It's that I simply don't want to, or it's not my thing. There are my own things, my own beliefs my own way of doing things, my own priorities that matter. Certainly does not make me wrong.

Don't we have anything to learn from each-other? Wouldn't it be boring to all be the same?

Lately I wish I did have another sister at least then I could go to her and it'd not be so concentrate. I'd not feel like I am then missing something.

And then it all comes back to the one person who would never/didn't treat me like this & isn't here to pick me up when I need it. I wonder why does it have to happen that way?

Madonna - X-Static Process

Madonna - Easy Ride

Blessed.

Is one word how I describe myself.

Everywhere I look I see either heartache of some description, be it on the news, people I know, friends, family, and sometimes even my own...we all have our own 'struggles' but we need to overcome them & not allow them to take over who we are. Who we are inside, who our spirit is.

I choose to be happy, to see the good things in life.
And it's easy.
I guess I have seen the worst & am thankful for those life lessons.
My glass has always been 'half full' .

And even as I go on this journey of self discovery I am sometimes shocked & saddened (all over again) but I am also proud of ME and who I have become.

Yep, I think I have done pretty well despite the side roads that my life has taken me I've always gotten back onto my own track, the one I could see ahead of me but just sometimes it was through the fog.

Life isn't cured it's managed ♥

Dr Phil

Everything is beginning to fit into the puzzle now & it's almost all making sense.

I know my mum was not there for me because she wasn't even there for herself, but on the same token she only thinks about herself.

Today's show is about young girls and promiscuity & my mum was a very promiscuous young girl. It's no secret she never cared that it hurt her Grandparents who had raised her, when she'd decided she was moving out of their house and into her birth Mothers house & it was because she wanted freedom.

Freedom to be out at night with boys & to do whatever it was that she wanted, whenever she wanted. She's never been one to follow rules of any sort & she doesn't care who gets trampled on if it means she will get what it is she wants.

She grew up and was raised with healthy attitudes, love and respect but shes never been able to give it back. It was how she was getting what she thought she needed. Her real dad was not in the picture at all even though her Grandparents were it still wasn't not enough. She still knew who her real parents were even though her Grandparents were in every sense of the word.

What I'm getting at is that she wasn't there for me when I needed her the most she was the total opposite. She didn't care at all.And she didn't care who knew be it strangers, family or friends.

I've not gotten to this yet and am not sure where to start until I see my psych & after this I'm hoping that almost everything will be dealt with & along with some boundaries put into place, life will be as it should be & I'll be able to move on because none of it matters anymore. But had it all been done properly it'd not still be in my head or still be able to affect me. It's unfinished business.

She's unsupportive when it comes to the truth or to real issues, she's only supportive with superficial stuff. It's nice that she is but it's not meaningful. She only found out 6 weeks ago what actually happened & she was pretty quiet. I'd like to have seen what was going on inside her head was it regret? did she know she let me down as a Mother or did she remember the wrong story she so willingly put out to all & sundry? The only time she says anything about me going to a psychologist is when someone is there so she throws in "I hope it goes ok on Tuesday" but she never asks. So that she looks good to them & that they can see it's me who pushes her away for no reason at all.


I've got higher standards than her & it's never sat right with me after watching how she flitted from man to man so there in itself tells me she probably doesn't think too much about what happened at all. It's not even a big deal to her. It's her normal but it's not for me at all. You need to respect yourself, not get it from the opposite sex. She has no strength or respect for herself.

But again I can see why.

My dad still has no idea about it because it's not been something I've been able to even talk about without it affecting me, nobody (except for my hubby) does & my grandma died not knowing the real truth either which is something I have to bring up next time & work through because that really hurts me. I can't change it I can't tell her the truth. All I know is that she was heartbroken but she still said 'she understood'.

Whether she did or not she still loved ME like a Mother does even without all of the actual facts, not just hearsay. I can see since my first blog that she was who my real Mum was & we shared a closeness & everything else that has happened, and still happens just makes sense. It also explains why I feel the way I do about grandma  & why it still bothers me all this time later & I don't think that anybody really understands. I lost my mum & then I LOST my mum ♥

A book review of Emotional Blackmail - Susan Forward

Book Review Highlights:

• Controllers envelop us in a fog of their own making.
• F-O-G equals fear, obligation, and guilt.
• There are techniques to overcome this fog.

When the People in Your Life Use Fear,
Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate YouSome people overpower us and leave us feeling defeated. Why? How? What can we do about it? These are the central questions Susan Forward asks in her book Emotional Blackmail. The author says, "Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten, either directly or indirectly, to punish us if we don't do what they want…

Our blackmailers make it nearly impossible to see how they're manipulating us, because they lay down a thick fog that obscures their actions. We'd fight back if we could, but they ensure that we literally can't see what is happening to us.

Seeing Through Fog

Susan Forward uses the acronym FOG to stand for fear, obligation, and guilt. These are the three tools of the blackmailer's trade, and most of us can't figure out how to escape them.
Are you a people pleaser? Are you afraid of disapproval? Are you afraid of another's anger? Do you feel you owe someone a duty, even when it involves something you don't want to do or is bad for you? Do you feel guilty when you don't give in? Does it make you feel you aren't a good person?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, this book is for you. Susan Forward demonstrates how emotional blackmail takes two parties, and she explains the role the innocent party plays and the price they pay. Blackmail is a sequence of demands, pressure, and capitulation, and the author clearly explains how to stop this sequence.

From Emotional Blackmail:
--"Blackmailers pump an engulfing FOG into their relationships, ensuring that we will feel afraid to cross them, obligated to give them their way and feel terribly guilty if we don't."
--"…even as we work to burn off the FOG, the blackmailer is busy pumping in thick new layers."
--"Perhaps worst of all, every time we capitulate to emotional blackmail, we lose contact with our integrity, the inner compass that helps us determine what our values and behavior should be."
--"If there is one sweeping generalization I can make without fear of contradiction, it is that 'change' is the scariest word in the English language… Nothing will change in our lives until we change our own behavior. Insight won't do it. Understanding why we do the self-defeating things we do won't make us stop doing them. Nagging and pleading with the other person to change won't do it. We have to act. We have to take the first step down a new road."

Madonna - Nobody Knows Me

It's all ok..

On my last visit just before I left, my psychologist & I briefly discussed what we thought was going to be best for this morning.
We'd decided on a couple of topics & amongst all that I said something to her which she then said to me "That's trauma. That is trauma".

TRAUMA. The word rang loudly in my head & in my heart. I walked to the the car, got in & then lost it. BANG it hit me. I had a full on panic attack which I've not had in that severity since April when all of this came to a head. I always knew deep in my mind what happened was traumatic & I knew exactly what it was but nobody had ever put it that way before as in actually saying those words to me.
"You've had trauma".

It's hard to describe but hearing the words, it was like an acknowledgment & it's like someone is telling me "It's Ok".

It took less than 5 minutes for me to be able to breathe properly & then I cried half the way home. It was releasing in a much different way for the first time in 20 something years. Sure I've talked about it to hubby but I've never dealt with it. I just got on with it. Things in life happen, you grow, time passes so it never gets resolved. But it's there underneath everything that gets added on top of it, be it good or bad & nobody really knows about it.


So today I thought "Just go with it, get it over and done with", & really very surprisingly, it wasn't as bad as I & hubby were expecting it to be, not at all.
For that I am thankful.


One of mums boyfriends 'groomed' us, to sexually abuse us. All of us I don't know, there are things I don't remember. All I see in my mind is 'black'.

There is nothing, it's empty just a void. So what I learned and was able to see today for the first time since I was 11 or 12 years old (I have no idea how old I was because that part is still just 'black') was that my brain has actually protected me by switching off to what happened, just like a victim in a car accident does, they often remember nothing.


Mum met him in a freaking shopping centre (Kawana to be exact) where he worked at Mr Minute. Another interesting thing is that i hate that area and especially those shops and will avoid at all costs if i can & this is something that my sister never understands. Driving past on the main road is ok becuase I've replaced the 'bad' memories with good but that's as far as it goes. At the time she'd broken up with the man she kicked Dad out for & I suspect this person was to make that other one jealous and just have some fun with. (not my idea of fun...).

He used to come around to our place at night, after work & we'd watch movies, he'd bring these massive bags of the yummiest popcorn it was like the stuff you'd get at the movies. To us that was the best thing ever! Yay we were always happy when he'd turn up with this. He also had a teenage son but I don't know what his name was.

I remember he once turned up to pick us up from Dad's, we were outside of a plumbing shop he was with his son. Not sure why. He started to 'babysit' us when mum was at work. He lived on the 3rd floor down from the top of a block of high rise units along the Maroochydore River, 'Banyandah Towers'.

The first time anything ever happened was in the pool/spa area. He was watching us swimming & then told me to 'remove the bottoms of my swimmers'. I knew straight away this was wrong, I never participated. He ended up telling his son to take them off for me which he did and then threw them out onto the pavers so that I had to get out to go get them.

I DO NOT remember even getting out of the pool, it's black. I wished I could remember but what I learnt today was in the very middle of our brain is the limbic system.It registers the fear that we feel in our lives, it's the radar which we know whether we are safe or whether we have to run. It is then outside of my brain which has actually 'protected' me & is why I can visually see 'nothing', that 'blackness' has looked after me and is why I was able to move on and get on with my life. She tells me that I am surprisingly really well balanced, I had to be to be the 'Mother', the adult so I guess I had no time to be anything but strong, to pull my socks up, suck it up and basically get on with it. There was always some sort of work for me to do. Responsibilities to fulfill. Mums little helper. The big sister.

I also think that being the first born I had a massive advantage over my younger siblings.

But dealing with my mind what it's reminding of is what I do struggle with but am getting much better with it.
There was another time that stands out .One night we were staying over there while mum was at work. We'd just watched the movie "Splash", we (him & us 3) were all happy & everything was fine ...next thing all I remember is being locked outside on the verandah in the dark it was freezing cold & he'd removed all of my clothes this time. So I sat there on the floor freezing holding my knees up to my chest with my arms to try & keep warm. I do not remember anything else.

I would have either physically or emotionally fought him off, so I was then punished. What for? I never did anything wrong.

And again, the outer part of my brain has just 'switched off' to it, because it was/is traumatic. I don't need it, it's protecting me. Amazing stuff really.

The last thing I do remember is sitting in the bedroom we slept in late one night crying, reasons are obvious. I didn't want to be there & I climbed up to the window and thought about jumping out but the only thing that stopped me doing it was my younger brother & sister sleeping behind me. This is where I've felt responsible for them and why my sister now doing what shes done has bothered me so much. Too emotionally involved. But I didn't want to die I just didn't want to be there & I didn't have the voice to use it. Too young.

Max heard me crying so called me into his room, for some stupid reason I went in there & he told me to get into his bed. I just did as I was told, even though I didn't want to. I don't remember if he was naked I think he may have been and it was not too long before he started to put his hands down the front of my underwear & was telling me "You're starting to grow ". I knew exactly what it meant & knew it was so wrong & I wanted to get out of there. I don't even remember getting out of there and into my own bed.

Again black, I remember nothing. It was some time later on that I told my cousin who then told her mum, who then told my parents. I do remember a lot of kerfuffle & we never saw him again and it was the only time that our mother actually stepped up to her responsibilities. She removed him from us. She could have ignored it. I do remember my Dad was unstoppable he was so angry & was not allowed to go to the unit because he probably would have killed him & it he'd not long become a black belt in tae kwon do so have no doubts whatsoever that he would have done something . And that whole time while it was happening, Dad had no idea nor did Mum, Nobody did.

He was a pedophile & we were very lucky. He got away with it. I didn't & I know my sister didn't.


SO, none of this can hurt me now, I actually feel ok about it, I don't feel as bothered by it, it's over and done with. Gone, no more. I drive past there and it's ok. It has been for a long time but I don't look up to the balcony which I can see from the road because I don't need to, it's my job to protect myself from that. It's not going to do me any good.


I would get scared and think "If it's black in my mind is that because something worse happened"? but it's not, he never actually physically hurt me i know that much & I'm just glad i 'blabbed' to my cousin when I did, we were very lucky how it turned out.

A short while ago, I told my mum I don't blame her for this happening. That it was her boyfriend who did it but i don't hold her accountable at all, when I very easily could. Sure I'm mad about other stuff but this wasn't her direct doing. To my shock she said to me

"You don't have to worry about him anymore". I asked why?

"I had him taken care of". My mind went inside out.

"HOW DO YOU MEAN MUM?" (all the while not really believing what she was about or had even to this point said)

She said it again, I told her she can't do things like that and just get away with it. She's a bitch, even at a time I am being brutally honest with her, told her everything that up until this point as well as things to come that she still to this day had no idea about, she can't even be real. She had to keep on lying.

What she did was she was trying to be the 'hero' in all of this, so her boyfriend who 'tried to whatever it was he wanted to do to us' hurt us, she made out she fixed it, she caused it then she fixed it.

Not right or fair, she will stoop as low as she has to, I can see that i am never going to have a mother & there is nothing I can do about it.

I've also switched off with my sister, as in I don't care so much what she does anymore. It doesn't mean I don't want a relationship with her but what we did have is over it will never be the same. I look at her as just a sister now and don't feel as emotionally involved anymore. I don't feel responsible for her, or looking as a 'parent figure' & It's a nice feeling to not have all that extra responsibility. It's not mine.

So in all, all of this has been extremely healing & I feel free, less angry inside & I feel really alive.I did before anyway but I guess this is a different part of me. I feel more of myself that was lost a long time ago and I love who she is ♥


So what I want is to live my life, and be treated the way I should be. And with respect. Kindness. Just like other people are, it's not much too much to ask is it?

Jar of Hearts- Christina Perri

Reversing the behaviours of compliance

Almost 12 months ago (after another 'mum' episode) I began reading a really good book called 'Emotional Blackmail' by Susan Forward. It's an excellent book that really goes into depth and is actually helpful/useful with lots of scenarios which you can relate to. Suffice to say I have done my homework and have just removed it from the back of our bathroom door after having had it up for me to read on a daily basis.

'The change' in me has now began and I could not be happier! Still there are other issues to come and work for me to go through on but this for me is a pretty big achievement & one for which I am happy with.


*I tell myself that giving in is no big deal. (Giving in is a big deal)

*I tell myself that giving in is worth it if the other person shuts up. (It's only a band-aid)

*I tell myself it's not worth the battle. (It is if I believe in it)

*I tell myself it's better to give in that to hurt their feelings. (What about my feelings?)

*I don't stand up for myself. You should always stand up for yourself. (Nobody else will)

*I give away my power. (I am confident with my inner self)

*I do things to please others. (I do things to please myself as well)



******************************************************************************

**Contract with Myself**


I, ♥..recognize myself as an adult with options & choices & I commit myself to the process of actively getting Emotional Blackmail out of my relationships & out of my life in order to reach that goal, & make the following promises:


* I promise myself that I am no longer willing to let fear, obligation & guilt control my decisions

*I promise myself that I will learn the strategies in this book & that I will put them into practice in my life

*I promise myself that if i regress, fail or fall into old patterns, I will not use slips as an excuse or stop trying. I recognize that failure is not failure if you use it as a way to learn

*I promise to take good care of myself during this process

*I promise that i will acknowledge myself for taking positive steps, no matter how small they are.

(signed 'me') xo
1.10.2009