At times your feelings of frustration, of being trapped, of helplessness may seem overwhelming. But you can set limits & communicate them to your parent, & express your feelings more directly & effectively, thereby changing the interaction. The end result? Your sense of control will increase. You will stand up for yourself in a way that honors who you are & what you believe in & is also respectful of your parent. You will no longer play the role you were assigned as a child & perhaps, still, as an adult.
Old unhealthy dynamics change. breaths a sigh of relief♥ ...FINALLY
FINDING THE RIGHT BALANCE~
For some adult children, not having any involvement with a parent is the easiest answer. They may now know exactly how to set limits with their parent or their limits maybe continually tested & breached. They find it easier to sever ties. Others, regardless of past wrongs & abuse, find a way to navigate a relationship in the present that meets at least some of their (& their parent's) needs. Some interact with their parent on a superficial level. That's me, ours is a superficial relationship & has been for a very long time, I'm talking years, probably 20 years.
Maintaining a relationship to whatever degree you choose, if any, doesn't mean denying you have - & hopefully are working through - past resentments, or denying the fact that you're still set off by small things that your parent says or does today. Try thinking of it instead as moving forward while you revise troublesome scripts. Keep in mind that you can't expect your parent to change, but you can change your attitudes, interpretations, your responses, thereby modifying the dynamics. Imagine you and your parent are dancing a waltz together, with your parent leading. You've always waltzed with him. Come to think of it, you've never liked the waltz. So you signal to the orchestra to play a tango, & you begin to lead.
It's going to be nearly impossible for your parent to continue that waltz while you're doing the tango. He may not like the tango. He may storm off the dancefloor. He may scream that you are selfish & would do anything ,stooping so low as to conspire with the musicians to prevent his happiness. But he's also likely to realize at some point if he wants to dance with you he'll need to change his steps.
You may notice that asserting your boundaries and communicating more directly with your parent actually makes life more difficult at first. Keep your eye on what you hope to gain, however, and remember that squelching discussion of difficult issues because you know they'll meet with a bad reaction only deepens your anger & makes it harder for your to relate to the other person. It may not be the best choice for either one of you.
**Know your rights **
In any relationship, you have rights. Because someone is your parent or has significant emotional challenges doesn't change your right to your rights! You'll want to keep this list in mind as you read further & find your equilibrium in the relationship. You have the right
*to feel safe in the relationship
*to be treated respectfully
*to not be abused verbally, emotionally, or physically
*to be heard
*to be appreciated & valued
*to have your privacy and boundaries respected
*to have your needs met
*to feel good about yourself in the relationship
STOP & THINK: Relationship rights.
The previous list is not fixed. Can you think of other rights? What does each right mean to you? For instance, "to feel safe in the relationship" might not mean worrying that at any moment your parent may let loose with a torrent of criticism at you.
Tools & Techniques for Gaining Control.
The remainder of the chapter contains a series of exercises, questions & tools to use to minimize angry reactions to things your parent says & does , to confront & defuse difficult situations, & to express your emotions more directly. You can use these guidelines to deal with a wide variety of issues, from handling challenging family events such as birthdays, holidays, funerals, & weddings (times when abandonment fears & other emotions may run particularly high in those with borderline traits), for instance, to explaining that you can no longer provide the financial support you once did to your parent. You can apply them to relatively minor, mundane issues as well as major conflicts. And you can use them in other areas in your life & with other people as well.
Bring awareness to the table-
Remember what you learned when you were taught to cross the street? Stop look & listen.
The same principle help in other situations. Before & during any contact with your parent, or other difficult individual, it's important to be mindful of how you feel. Often, particularly when you're under stress, it may be hard to really know. Perhaps, even more often, you may just not stop to think about it.
Start noticing your own cues instead of overlooking them. What physical sensations do you feel? Common physical reactions to anger include pounding temples; "seeing white," or light; a feeling of vibration in the head; ringing in your ears; flushing in the cheeks; clenched jaws & fists; muscle tension in the arms, legs, neck & shoulders; rapid, shallow breathing; the feeling of burning or a knot in the stomach; and nausea.
Note whether & how your posture or stance change. Do you suddenly feel more comfortable with your arms crossed in front of you, protectively? Do you tense your shoulders & round your back, symbolically protecting your chest?
What other emotions do you feel? Are you scared? sad? hurt? what emotions do you anticipate having after the interaction? For example, after you get angry & have words with your parent, does guilt inevitably follow you?
Notice what effects you anticipate as a result of your contact. Do you sense you'll be too wiped out & drained to go to work the next day or to give your toddler a bath in the evening?
**Ease up on the Judgement**~
Recognizing & accepting how you feel is the first step toward working through it. You can't change what you don't acknowledge. You may not like that you have certain feelings about your parent & your relationship. You may not like that you shake with anxiety before going to visit your mother, but -obvious & trite as it may sound - that's where you are right now. So regardless of how you feel about how you feel, don't censor or judge yourself.
Out, Out, Damned Triggers
As discussed earlier, triggers are those emotional sparks that ignite anger & other emotions. It's important to know what yours are. In dealing with your parent there are likely behaviors &/or words that set you off, not because they're so terrible in & of themselves, done or said in isolation, but because you're experiencing them in context- that is, through your past experience & your present emotions. Once you recognize your triggers, you can do something about them.
*Actions speak loudly*
It may seem like there's a huge list of things your parent does that make you see red. If you think about it though, it's likely that they fall into categories; that is, the particular circumstances may be different each time, but the core trigger is the same, Here are some examples.
Violating boundaries. Michelle's mother frequently drops by without calling first to see if it's okay. Sometimes she'll bring candy for Michelle's children, which Michelle has repeatedly told her not to do. On a couple of occasions when Michelle was out, she cleaned her kitchen & left a note about what bad shape it had been in.
Not respecting privacy. Michelle also has caught her mother, on more than one occasion, rifling through Michelle's husbands drawers looking for money she's convinced he's stashed.
**Stop & think: Know your action triggers**
What are your triggers? In addition to the behaviors that trigger you, try to describe how your anger plays out, the specific circumstances. What messages do these incidents send to you each time they occur?Imagine you had never laid eyes on your parent before - you two are perfect strangers - & she did something that you've identified as a trigger. What would you think then? Would you get angry? How would you respond?
**Words speak loudly too**
Triggers can also be verbal. Do you take a deep breath & tense up each time you hear the word "always" come out of your fathers mouth? Does the phrase, "If only you'd been..." give you a migraine? Words & phrases that may trigger anger include:
*"You always..."
*"You never..."
*"You're so..."
*"You don't..."
*"You should..."
*"Someday maybe you'll be able to understand..."
Other verbal triggers may include..
Accusations, criticism or personal attacks. Don't mother, without fail, comments sarcastically on his wife's parenting methods at family get-togethers. She also harps on him about his weight.
Blaming. Whenever Michelle tries to talk to her mother about her out-of-control spending habits, her mother blames Michelle's father for not leaving more money to his estate when he died.
Projecting. Michelle's mother repeatedly tells Michelle that (on top of being a poor housekeeper & mother) she really ought to learn how to manage her money. Really, it's Michelle's mother that needs some money-management tips.
Other triggers may include your parent asking for help (or the way he asks for help); invalidation of your opinions, feelings & expressed wishes; black-and-white thinking; teasing; rehashing the past & self pity.
**Stop & think: Know your verbal triggers**
What are your verbal triggers & what do they say to you?For instance, when your parent says "If only you'd been more like your sister," you might interpret it as, "I love you less than her. I don't value who you are."
A few more things
Know your limits
It's hard to appear confident & assert yourself when you're not quite clear on what you're asserting. Before you address an issue with your parent or state your needs, be sure to clarify it to yourself first. What do you want? How fare are you willing to go to get it? What are you willing to give up? Are there alternatives you can accept &, if so, what are they? Knowing what you're after helps keep you focused; it will help keep the issues from getting muddy during emotionally charged conversations.
Don't expect flowers
As you set limits & communicate more directly, you can't expect your parents to be thrilled about it. Using the earlier analogy, when you stop waltzing & start to tango, of begin to do anything else that changes comfortable dynamics, for that matter, your parent may feel threatened or rejected. He may question your love, your loyalty, your sanity. That goes with the new territory. So it's important for you to find ways to manage your own feelings about the potential rejection. Some of the tools for grief, acceptance, & overcoming guilt covered in chapters 3 & 4 may be helpful in this context as well.
Be prepared to pull back
Despite the difficulties you may have with your parent, you still may have a close relationship. You may talk or visit often; your parent maybe the first one you turn to when you have good (or bad) news to share; you may be very involved in each others lives. But you may find you also have to separate yourself a bit. That may mean visiting less often, cutting down the time you spend on the phone, not sharing as many personal details or as much news of what's happening in your life as you once did. It may mean finding another confidante. It may mean saying no when y our parent asks for help during a perceived crisis. It may mean not reneging on the limits you've set after a period of calm. It may mean pulling back from other relatives who are still enmeshed with your parent too. Only you can determine the extent to which you need to detach.
This one I have done. I have pulled back immensely & at the same time this has been exceptionally hard in regards to my FOO as well who I have pulled back from these past 3 years..but also someone who i want to help, who I want to share this new information with about our NBM with, & for her to understand & to help her to make sense of all the insanity that's followed.
She's ignoring me though, ignoring phone calls & thinks that it is me who is the enemy. Not NBM. She has no idea that i try to help her & because I don't tell her what she wants to hear it makes me even worse. I also know I need to probably pull back on my FOO too but not knowing if she's going to end up alive or not is the hardest part of all of this. To think that my FOO has cancer doesn't make any sense at all. I do need to learn to switch off and it's becoming easier in ways, this is all really bad bad timing. I even feel a bit not connected like a part of my brain isn't getting or realizing she's actually got cancer. Denial I think & probably for good reason. Or is it?
Choose your battles
As part of your healing process, some adult children of parents with borderline traits choose to confront them. Often, these adult children write letter detailing the past & explaining how it's affected them in the present. Some raise the issue of BPD & suggest their parent seek treatment. There's no right or wrong thing to do. Like everything else we've discussed in this book, you have to decide what's right for you. And you can't say or do anything to change your parent. Given your parents challenges, it may not be realistic to expect him to read a long letter about what he may have done wrong, & to accept responsibility, acknowledge that he has some troublesome behaviors, & ask for help. That doesn't mean you shouldn't write (& send) such a letter if that's what you need to do. As with any other type of confrontation, you'll want to examine - & be clear about-your objectives, your motivation your needs, short - & long term consequences & most importantly, your expectation for change.
This I have definitely thought about & am not really sure what I'm going to do at this stage.
Find the humour
The adage, "Laughter is the best medicine," is indeed true. Wherever possible, try to see the humour & irony of your situation. Be able to laugh at yourself. Human beings are fascinating creatures, prone to act in silly, bizarre, seemingly contradictory ways, for a variety of reasons. There's certainly no shortage of material!
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