Anger. A powerful emotion which tends to have bad connotations. But anger in & of itself isn't necessarily a bad thing. What's bad about anger are the actions you may impulsively take in response to it, as well as the long-term mental anguish you may feel as a result. Your goal in understanding anger shouldn't be to learn how never to be angry again. Anger is a legitimate feeling, one often designed for self-protection & that feeling needs to be recognized & acknowledged just like all of your other emotions.
For adult children of a parent who may have been controlling, demanding, invalidating or unaccepting of her child, it's common for anger to last a long time, perhaps years - &, for some, a lifetime. But although anger can be helpful in terms of self-preservation in the short term, it's not the best bet for your long-term well-being - physical, emotional or social. This chapter will help you explore how you're using anger to protect yourself in some way from the hurt you experienced long ago & maybe still from your parent today. It will also help to understand the different ways of coping with your anger, the toll it can take on you over time & how to move beyond the chronic feelings you may be harboring.
Regardless of whether your parent overexpressed or underexpressed anger, she may not have accepted feelings of anger in you. Yes.
"How dare you be angry with me; I'm your Mother" may have been said by a parent who was uneasy dealing with such feelings being directed at them. Or you may have heard "What's wrong with you- why are you so angry?" or "You must have PMS you're really angry". Your parent couldn't accept that anger was an understandable response on your part, & that she might have been, in some part, it's trigger. THANK-YOU!!
"Anger was not an acceptable emotion in our house unless of course it was my mother who was ranting & raving over some ridiculously inconsequential thing". "We were taught to stifle it. If we were angry we'd get sent to our rooms then punished." As a result, I was so filled with rage, with no way of releasing the pressure, I thought I'd explode into a thousand pieces some day". Also we'd be humiliated publicly, like she had to get even for disagreeing with her, like she had to break me/us. And she very nearly did".
"Anger was not an acceptable emotion in our house unless of course it was my mother who was ranting & raving over some ridiculously inconsequential thing". "We were taught to stifle it. If we were angry we'd get sent to our rooms then punished." As a result, I was so filled with rage, with no way of releasing the pressure, I thought I'd explode into a thousand pieces some day". Also we'd be humiliated publicly, like she had to get even for disagreeing with her, like she had to break me/us. And she very nearly did".
Anger in a parent can be terrifying for a child. Young children need to believe that their parent will protect them, that their parent is capable & right. If a parent is angry, therefore, the child believes it must be his own fault. AMEN.
Finding the Source
As with other emotions, in order to halt their negative effects, you must first understand where they originated. As stated earlier, adult children of a parent with BPD may have chronic feelings of anger for a variety of reasons, encompassing everything from repeated invalidation to physical assaults to trying to address issues of contention with the parent & encountering hostility, denial or projection.
What are the issues that are causing your feelings of anger? List them. They can be detailed or as generic as you want. Don't censor yourself;there are no standards for what are legitimate reasons for your feelings. Examples might include..
"I tried hard to be good, but my parent always found something to criticize"; "I'm angry because I wasn't allowed to express my feelings growing up; I felt stifled"; or "You didn't take care of me the way I needed you to. You put me in situations that forced me to accept adult responsibilities & endangered me, like leaving me with your boyfriend and he tried to abuse me sexually"."The way you never uttered a sound when I told you I wasn't just sleeping with that boy at all but was actually raped instead. You said nothing at all. I got no recognition and it was if you were just in a major denial because you know how verbal you were about it at the time and thereafter, and now you're finding out just how wrong you were".
For each item, how have you expressed your anger about it (consider your coping style). Have you written about it, addressed it with the person involved acted in such a way that you felt guilty for later? What were the results & consequences? What would you like to do to be able to let go of some of those feelings now? to minimize their intensity & effects?
Strategies for Reducing Anger:
There are many things you can incorporate into your life that will reduce feelings of chronic anger. Here are a few to start with...
*deep breathing
*visualization or guided imagery (of calming places, people you enjoy being around, & so on - don't replay unpleasant or angry scenes)
*an anger journal
*prayer or meditation
*yoga, tai chi, Pilates
*doing volunteer work or just helping a friend with a chore now & then
*writing down how you feel, or how you want to feel
*engaging in other creative arts
*doing any aerobic exercise (walking, running, swimming, biking, skiiing, skating, kick boxing)
*screaming into a pillow or in the car
*beating a pillow, punching a punching bag
*tearing up sheets of newspaper
*
*
*
*
*
As you can see, some of these strategies are ways of venting or expressing anger while others distract you from it-some get you more in touch with your feelings & some help you distance them. it's important to find a balance between the 2. Always distracting yourself from your anger means that it will come up in inappropriate ways at inappropriate times, toward people in your life who did nothing to deserve it. Likewise, always venting your anger means you relive it again & again, never giving yourself a mental break from it.
What is anger?
It's actually a normal emotion which can mobilize you against a pending physical attack (imagine the adrenaline rush & burst of energy you'd get upon the realization that a mugger were chasing you); it can tip you off that your boundaries have been encroached upon; it can help you get what you need. It can also protect you from emotional pain. It may also be caused by feelings that you weren't validated, recognized, listened to, appreciated or valued. It may be caused by feeling controlled-by anothers will, expectations, demands, rules or behavior-or that your boundaries were violated & your needs unmet. It's common for children to feel anger, for all the reasons just stated, if their parents have trouble regulating their emotions & are self-involved and insecure.
For many people, it's easier to feel anger, even prerable rather than sadness, hurt, jealousy, shame or other emotions. Anger compels you; there's energy in your anger, unlike with other emotions that leave you feeling drained. And that energy gives you a sense of confidence that you can act to change your circumstances. Think of a time when you were saddened by something. Did you feel energized to act? (More likely you felt tired, listless, driven only to the couch or to bed.)
It's actually a normal emotion which can mobilize you against a pending physical attack (imagine the adrenaline rush & burst of energy you'd get upon the realization that a mugger were chasing you); it can tip you off that your boundaries have been encroached upon; it can help you get what you need. It can also protect you from emotional pain. It may also be caused by feelings that you weren't validated, recognized, listened to, appreciated or valued. It may be caused by feeling controlled-by anothers will, expectations, demands, rules or behavior-or that your boundaries were violated & your needs unmet. It's common for children to feel anger, for all the reasons just stated, if their parents have trouble regulating their emotions & are self-involved and insecure.
For many people, it's easier to feel anger, even prerable rather than sadness, hurt, jealousy, shame or other emotions. Anger compels you; there's energy in your anger, unlike with other emotions that leave you feeling drained. And that energy gives you a sense of confidence that you can act to change your circumstances. Think of a time when you were saddened by something. Did you feel energized to act? (More likely you felt tired, listless, driven only to the couch or to bed.)
**How anger works**
Finding the Source
As with other emotions, in order to halt their negative effects, you must first understand where they originated. As stated earlier, adult children of a parent with BPD may have chronic feelings of anger for a variety of reasons, encompassing everything from repeated invalidation to physical assaults to trying to address issues of contention with the parent & encountering hostility, denial or projection.
What are the issues that are causing your feelings of anger? List them. They can be detailed or as generic as you want. Don't censor yourself;there are no standards for what are legitimate reasons for your feelings. Examples might include..
"I tried hard to be good, but my parent always found something to criticize"; "I'm angry because I wasn't allowed to express my feelings growing up; I felt stifled"; or "You didn't take care of me the way I needed you to. You put me in situations that forced me to accept adult responsibilities & endangered me, like leaving me with your boyfriend and he tried to abuse me sexually"."The way you never uttered a sound when I told you I wasn't just sleeping with that boy at all but was actually raped instead. You said nothing at all. I got no recognition and it was if you were just in a major denial because you know how verbal you were about it at the time and thereafter, and now you're finding out just how wrong you were".
For each item, how have you expressed your anger about it (consider your coping style). Have you written about it, addressed it with the person involved acted in such a way that you felt guilty for later? What were the results & consequences? What would you like to do to be able to let go of some of those feelings now? to minimize their intensity & effects?
Strategies for Reducing Anger:
There are many things you can incorporate into your life that will reduce feelings of chronic anger. Here are a few to start with...
*deep breathing
*visualization or guided imagery (of calming places, people you enjoy being around, & so on - don't replay unpleasant or angry scenes)
*an anger journal
*prayer or meditation
*yoga, tai chi, Pilates
*doing volunteer work or just helping a friend with a chore now & then
*writing down how you feel, or how you want to feel
*engaging in other creative arts
*doing any aerobic exercise (walking, running, swimming, biking, skiiing, skating, kick boxing)
*screaming into a pillow or in the car
*beating a pillow, punching a punching bag
*tearing up sheets of newspaper
*
*
*
*
*
As you can see, some of these strategies are ways of venting or expressing anger while others distract you from it-some get you more in touch with your feelings & some help you distance them. it's important to find a balance between the 2. Always distracting yourself from your anger means that it will come up in inappropriate ways at inappropriate times, toward people in your life who did nothing to deserve it. Likewise, always venting your anger means you relive it again & again, never giving yourself a mental break from it.
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