I've been putting this off, the blogging thing. But going to the psychologist has been an amazing journey & each fortnight I eagerly look forward to the next time I go but it's as if I've shut whatever it is I've learnt or dealt with that week (sometimes it takes a bit of time) by closing my mind to it. I've heard it, I don't need to repeat it. Once I come home, I give hubs the quick run down then he goes to work. I am happy with that & can shut it off. It's like I'm too tired mentally /reluctant or whatever to bother. But I also know that I need to. And like I said before, I'm only going to do this the one time. I'm doing this for me.
So...
I've had lots of things just 'coming' to me at different times lately, since I've started on this journey this year it's as if I've unlocked a box that's been put into storage & sometimes I don't mind because I know exactly what is inside and other times (and times ahead I've not even gotten to yet) are simply quiet scary.
An interesting thing I did learn about a month or so ago is that your mind is actually a separate entity from yourself, and that it's its job to play itself over and over, to rewind backwards & forwards at any given time. No warning.
But it seems that I hurt myself by allowing my 'mind' to go back into the past and I remember the hurt,anger, things that I've never accepted and things that weren't mine, things that have happened that I know with my heart, intelligence & my own instinct are all the things that should not have ever had happened, things that are/were still being said that are misunderstood .. so subsequently I then build a wall up around myself & not allow people to get in near my heart and sometimes near me at all.
If someone hurts me I tend to lose trust fairly quickly with them but it also depends on what it is & who they are. I'm not precious and can handle life & am fairly strong & am fiercely independent but all the 'wrongs' have overflowed & there isn't any room for anymore.
I've cracked & it's now overflowing.
(Subject aside) A really interesting thing is that I have also noticed women 'cop' it the hardest, & not really men. I don't seem to have an issue with them. I do think that women can be bitchy/es & my whole life I've never gone/got into clicky groups, they're not for me at all.
My post is long & it's nowhere all there yet but as things come to me I will journal them. if I feel like it.
Some of it will be personal and might offend you sometimes it won't. I guess for me I am fairly used to it.
One thing I do want to start with is that while watching Dr Phil today I felt anxiety and numbness in my face & lately I've been getting these sensations back while watching his shows & I think it's because it's triggering 'the stuff' that is in my mind that 'I' have seemingly forgotten about, but my mind 'hears' it then off it goes on it's little tangent.
Today was about 'Bully Mums' & I definitely can relate with this. I had/have a mum who did/does:
*Yells & screams. Not just the regular ranting or raving that we all do but beyond that.
*Verbal/Emotional Abuse. Which is 7 times worse than physical abuse. (there goes my numb chin again)
*Loves me but doesn't know how to show it.
*I remind her of people that she didn't/doesn't like. I looked like my Dad when I was little & instead of that just being 'my genes' & a totally normal thing, she didn't like it at all. I now look like my DG & am more like her.People say it all the time & it's an honour, she is my 'Mum' & it's to her that I am mostly thankful for so many things. It's as if NM holds that against me which I don't understand at all.
That was pretty much all from the show today. Pretty harrowing stuff but I'm thankful because it's all helping. The tears are good to let out. It was pretty scary.
I think the saying “You never truly know someone until you've walked a mile in his shoes.” is very appropriate here & I often feel judged, mostly misunderstood.
I am also seeing my Mum as someone who was very hurt at a very young age and didn't know how to go about things as she grew older and so instead of choosing to do things in a better way she did whatever was easiest or worked for her with minimal effort & also with what she had.
I do have less anger towards her already but I also believe we choose our own path and we make our own decisions. She could have done so much better than she did but what I do know is that I can safely sit across from her now and there is now a sense of calm. I still have a lot to go but I know I will get there.
Just because she did wrong does not mean I need or even want to give it back.
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