Thursday, February 27, 2014

Gentle breeze..

It's almost been a year since I wrote in here & in that time a lot has happened. A lot of good & a lot of change. A lot of heartache which I am learning to live with, and also a lot of quiet thinking on my part.

Last month, saw 2 years since my sisters passing & to be  honest, its not so much the actual day itself  but it's the every other day that you just want to get through & live normally,  that can and do, upset you more than an actual anniversary of when she actually died does. That was just one (really bad) day, but before that, was a whole life lived and added to that a whole lot of other memories to randomly think about, & sometimes you just need to sit & quietly observe.  I don't want  & will never  ignore each anniversary as it passes but i also don't feel the need to go out & throw a bit more of her ashes out to sea, so that she knows shes not forgotten or that I love her ..she knows my heart & if i don't feel like doing something on that day, then I won't. And  I'm ok with that too.

Actually last year I texted my psychologist & she asked me was I doing anything special & I replied back with "Nah I cannot be bothered" which she did laugh because she knows me pretty well now. And i think if the tables were turned and it was me gone and she were here, Pam would probably  get the 'can't be bothereds'  sometimes too, & she might find herself here wondering "What the heck do I do today Lindy?". And i'd not want her worrying like that either

 And I talk about her A LOT. Mostly online because that's easy to do with everybody that loves her at your fingertips.And they share too...i love to hear stories I've not heard before & to see them light up with their love. And sometimes their grief spills out & i hug and help them the way they have for me. Keeping her alive this way in our every day life & chatting  makes me happy. But there does come a point sometimes that it throws me upside down. And upside down, I do not like.

They also call this avoidance.

 I seem to have forgotten {and they say that is a normal thing},  a lot of the bad days we had together when she was here, I think I have chosen to let them lie. They don't serve a purpose, they don't fix anything..they don't do anything at all. They're a waste of space. And we sorted out our issues, so it's not even something for me to bring up anymore. And for that,  I am forever grateful.

Our relationship as sisters is still there as much as it ever was, its just changed now. The love I have for her will never end & I can feel hers & her around me if not more now, than when she was alive. Whenever I want her, shes right here beside me. And  I will also be honest & say I don't miss our bickering..that was not only wasteful but unproductive and damaging to us both. Now I just love her.

{{...and miss her &... look for little butterfly signs..and remember...and and and.....}} I LOVE YOU PAM xxxxxxxx

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