A Collaboration

For some time now, I've been involved in a really supportive online group for adult children of people with BPD, & just recently, someone in the group came up with this brilliant idea of a book & collating all of our stories & experiences to help other people out there who also have lived with this crazy sort of existence.  Basically, whoever in this safe private group is interested, can partake & then  hoping of  having it published.  I am looking forward to reading the other members stories in whole. Or part thereof..whatever is submitted. I think a book like this would be a good read for what seems to be a bigger problem than any of us ever thought & something that also isn't common with anybody else that we all know, in our own lives.

 So I am going to use my blog. I think it's valuable and it's already for the most part, written down already. Whether to go public in the book with my real name or not is another question. I mean, this blog, yes it is out there it is public..if it got into the 'right' hands anybody could read it..but it's also mostly a secret... if you know what I mean... & I'm in 2 minds. But a book that can be found on a shelf & read anywhere..I don't know.
The thing is.. One it's the truth so i will tell it, & 2..there is something about being anonymous which can also be a good thing.

I'm excited & happy to be a part of this, a really useful tool to help other people which is what my aim is at the end of the day.

I want to talk more I want to say is that life does go on whether you want it to or not, and in saying that, I've chosen to go with it. You need to move forward & live while you have your own time on this earth. And I think that when you lose loves ones, that's what they'd want if you could ask them too.

But don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's easy because it's not & it's a daily decision..and I'd say most days if not everyday at some point, I find myself stopping & my heart breaks all over again.
But to not live your own life & not allow yourself to go forward isn't honoring the memory of the person or persons that you lost, it's only making the loss of their life a legacy of loss, to your own life.. which doesn't seem right to me at all. There is a healthy balance & you need to find that, on your own and in your own time. 


So in saying all of that, while I can miss her everyday that I live I also want to live everyday that I have. One day when Its my time, hopefully when I'm an old old lady with Great-Grandkids around us,  she will be up there waiting &  wondering what took me so long to get there. What a sweet day that is going to be. But one that I am very happy to wait a long time for. And it brings me to my knees just imagining it.  Bittersweet but blessed at the same time. it's hard to describe it ♥

☼

I think about blogging more in here, but sometimes there's nothing to say, but really there's always going to be something to say. It's endless. But do i stop or do i keep it going? I just had to retrieve my password and the email add to even get in, so here I am I might as well post.

It's been a year already since she passed away,  14 months tomorrow to be exact. Tomorrow is the 15th. Its starting to feel like time is easing the blow & then in an instant it's as fresh as it  was the day that it happened. Sometimes at night I'm about to go to sleep & I see her face and the realization of what has happened floods over me again as if I never realized any of this before & it's shocking, just a massive shock.

And then there are other days which go on as normal & I know she is not here & I'm ok with that.


I don't even know what else to say really. I think I need to find some youtube and some pictures because I have plenty I want to say, so bear with me.

time.

She's missing things, birthdays are coming and then going & she is missing them all. I just posted a love heart shaped leaf onto her facebook page & left a '♥'...it's a strange feeling to know she won't see it or be able to say anything. I wonder what would she think if she was here or what she'd say? Today is 17 years since she became an Aunty for the first time. And I can't help but notice there's one less card sitting on the bookshelf.

It's a whole lot quieter without her xoxoxo

Wishing she was here...

So I could ring up and say "Happy Birthday Pam" and then  give her her presents.. more than likely something we picked together as we did, having our birthdays only 2 weeks apart. We'd chat all things birthday and buy eachother something nice, often the same thing maybe just in different colours.

So Happy 33rd Birthday Pam, first one up in the clouds hey? Love and miss you everyday x0x0x0x0x

It happened so fast

I have a lot of catching up and filling in to do. The last few weeks are the most fresh in my mind at the moment. So for now, I will start here & as I get to think more about it, work my way back.

Her cancer start out as cervical cancer, then it went to her lymph nodes in her groin and it went from there to her lungs, liver, adrenal glands, bones and finally her brain. the bones it went to were her shoulder & her femur, on opposite sides to each-other.she was also complaining of a sore foot in late november, so whether it was here too, chances are it was.

It gets bad when the pain starts which then became her way of life, her pain management was not as good as it should have been but this was her choice, not realizing or believing she was as advanced as she was, and thinking she had another 2 years or so to do this, she put up with more than she had to, more than i'd ever put up with & to her it made more sense to save the higher doses of pain relief for 'later'. But later was already here, she needed it now. She had a quantity of life, not quality really which does suck, if i had my way she'd have been on much stronger doses a long time ago. but it was her choice.

Towards the end, not only could she not do much but she was beginning to suffer with shocking headaches & I noticed her saying and texting a few odd things, nobody else really believed they thought it was the medication but i felt it was the cancer, just a gut feeling. the last few weeks would have been the worst i guess in that her pain levels went way up and her feet and lower legs swelled up and so did her tummy. before this, she was skinny. You can even see it in her face the fluid building up. her kidneys started to shut down it was the beginning of the end. that last week she went down hill at a frightening rapid rate. the week before she was unable to feed herself properly. kept half dropping the fork and her concentration was off. kept dropping off to sleep every few minutes, then she'd wake up again & pick up where she left off. She couldn't walk properly anymore, for a while it had been slow but she got to the point where she couldn't take more then a few steps to being out of breath to even stand up to get off the lounge, and into the wheelchair to get to the bathroom. It was scary to say the least.



it seemed to come out of nowhere, 'the end'. bang it was there & then over that last week day by day she just got worse & one thing started to slow down to stopping..like her voice, it had gotten quieter in the last 2 weeks..went down to hardly being able to talk at all to then the last 2 to 3 days, not fully communicating properly to being in a coma for the last day and a half.. just so very rapid . We watched the life draining from her day by day, like a toy running out of batteries, so did her life.

It's a shock but the only positive thing was she was not in pain by this stage as her medication (morphine) was upped, a morphine pump was put in and she was in the hospital bed in her lounge room with a catheter. After this was done, we knew she'd not ever get out of that bed. I think this was on the Friday. it was horrid but there was no other way out of this.
it was peaceful that she was not in pain anymore, we'd not seen this level of 'comfort' i guess you could call it since around June the year before just gone.

I don't know, i guess i know i just accepted that this was going to be the way it is. When it was coming closer to the time that she did go. i was glad i think we all were, she did go on that sunday morning, watching another whole day after a whole day and night before was pure torture & seemed too hard and extremely daunting but you knew once she had gone, that this was it. Watching her breathing slow down to big long deep breaths, watching that struggle of her life ending, well was the hardest thing any of us has ever had to see and do. We didnt do it, she did. We just stayed with her, till the end.. she did what she had to do & everyone of us that were there to support her until the end, just did it. there was no place on this earth any of us would have rathered have been.

Our world was in that unit, in the loungeroom. there was no world outside the walls.

With every small corner turned, every hour gone , we knew there'd be no going back, that this was going to be it... & I knew as much as I wanted her suffering to end when it did finally happen I'd want her back. we all did. nobody on this planet wanted her to go.

At 8:40am, her breathing changed for the last time. she started to get that rattle in her last 10 minutes and then she was gone, just like that...my little sister passed away at 8:50am.. :( xxxxxxxxx


What the hell just happened, I didn't know. I still don't entirely know. One day I might realize the enormity of all of this, it's only been 25 days .

My little sister died today. Surrounded by her close friends & family she left this insideous suffering & escaped.

15th January 2012

It's late

I was going to do a proper blogpost but I'm going to bed instead. I just added the cute fish over to the side there. If you click on their water you actually leave feed for them & they'll swarm over and eat. Love it. it's so cute♥

I've got lots to say but no brain space in which to say it so I will do my best to do it tomorrow night.

Jack Johnson - If I Could

..they say that new life makes losing life easier to understand. No it doesn't.

Life right now seems to be a seesaw

The first thing on my mind this morning is my sister. I found out late last night that she has cancer in her liver. I kind of suspected/thought this but for some reason you hope "not yet..I'm not ready to hear this/go down that road yet" or "no she doesn't I already asked her this & she said no it's not". All that is called denial. It's the D word which comes straight after the C word.

My hubby rarely has dreams that relate to anything that's happened within his day, but I do all the time. He told me this morning he had a bad dream I asked "Yeah what was it?" wondering. He said "Your sister pulled me aside alone & told me that she was going to die". What do I say to that? I just listened & not long after he had to go to work anyway.

This is reality, this is the road that we all have to travel on, with her now & nobody wants especially her to be on it. Everybody is holding her , except for her boyfriend who dumped her a week ago because he doesn't like her 'anger' and how she is talking to him. Real supportive & more I can't be bothered going into because he's not the main focus she is.

Our brother had a baby girl on the weekend & our eldest turned 16. He had a party with some mates it was good, she came and stayed the night & we went up together to see the new baby girl & she showed me where she has her chemotherapy which is right next to the maternity ward & birth suite. It never used to be there.


Nobody knew what this new baby was going to be but a couple of weeks before her birth I kept thinking "I think this baby is a girl and do you know what this means"..except I don't really believe in that I don't think. I can't help but keep thinking of a line in a song "One goes out one comes in"........Mums being a bitch as per usual. My sister is trying to help our relationship & she decided to tell her that I think she is a narcissist. To which mum replied

"I am not a narcissist. What is a narcissist?". She is also getting married in 3 weeks.


I don't care. I'm just keeping to myself today the best way I know how. Pretend yeah everything is great of course it is. What else can you say? I am starting to feel every time I talk about all of this it just brings everybody down & I look like a whinge arse. Yay its time to hang out the washing.

Thanks but no thanks

I've had something on my mind that I was going to let go of on here I wasn't going to bring it up & even though I could have before now, months ago..last year when my blog began..I instead chose not to. Why? To be respectful, to not cause trouble and to basically ignore it BUT i can't ignore it & won't be any longer. Am I being respected? I don't think so. Are things being said and have been said about me that are not true? Most definitely. Have I been told that I just make things out of nothing? Yes. Which also means our kids also make mountains out of molehills. I've only repeated what was said to me, same words word for word. Where do I start. I'm not sure because this goes back to 6 years ago. Something big that was ignored by me, swept under the family rug. But it works 2 ways that's how relationships usually go isn't it?

It seems that my inlaws don't like me too much, I'm not good enough for their son. How does this go unnoticed by me & by my husband for so long? I guess they do it behind doors but 2 times now they've let it slip.

Apparently I am crazy or stupid or whatever the label that they've given me is. I go to a psychologist that just confirms it. I've been blamed (scapegoat!) for anything that has gone wrong.

1. Their son being depressed
2. Our son having Aspergers is my fault as well. I'm a bad mother. My relationship with my own parents depicts no respect. My father in law over heard me once on the phone talking to my dad & what he heard & ran with was our 'love language'. We both act the goat, call eachother names..we're both as silly as eachother.


But I've had enough, and so has your son. He sees this he notices. From where I sit I've never been liked & when it was that I thought everything was fine, probably wasn't. Who knows, and I kind of don't care. I'm tired of trying, being misunderstood. Of being a scapegoat.

So here goes.

Recognize that your daughter-in-law is a person. Sounds obvious, but some mums-in-law don't get it or do it. Your daughter-in-law is a person with her own interests, her own history and traditions. She's had experiences you'll never have and knows some things you'll never know. As an adult, she's entitled to be treated respectfully. She's not a "dumb blonde," a "party girl," a "farm-girl," or a "small town hick"; people don't belong in boxes. You're the mother-in-law, and if you want to be treated with kindness and respect, you first have to show it. * I feel that I am respectful, even so that I never mentioned this in my own blog before now. To not step on toes, to put my story out there, for a bit of understanding & for you to stop judging me & making me feel I am never good enough. Bullshit I am fine, I am myself, I am who I am & I think she's doing ok. I am doing pretty well given the hand I've been dealt & I'm proud of myself too & I've done this on my own.

Accept that you are not her parent; if you feel the urge to parent her, stop. Reread step one, above! Also, your daughter-in-law has a special relationship with her own mother, based on years of devotion and mutual help.*actually no I didn't. But what I did have was an amazing, warm, loving, kind Grandma who taught me what I know what it means to be kind, who taught me how to mother. So when you judge me and treat me like I am a fool or am not doing things the way you would, you are in a sense insulting the most important person (other than my dad) in my life. I will not have it. You can keep your insulting under the radar insults. She's not going to feel the same way about you as she does toward her own mother. *Looking back & understanding things now thanks to therapy I did think pretty highly of you, i trusted you twice as much as my own mother because you did show kindness & you seemed to be 'ok'. When my Grandma died who was left, you were. Do you remember the night I came over & you comforted me when she died? You were the only mother I now had. And I trusted you. Seek to have a mutually respectful, pleasant relationship. Maybe if you sow seeds of love, calling you will occur naturally. Count your lucky stars and treat her with love and care. Remember that you have been given a golden opportunity, and your hurtful words will be long remembered. *they're very well remembered. Instead of being happy that your son is happy I am picked at instead. At any opportunity that becomes available.


Explore your motivations. Do you feel critical toward your daughter-in-law? Do you wish she were different? Is her religion wrong, her clothing too fancy/too messy, her hobbies silly? Think about this. Why do you feel the need to judge? Do you want to be judged this way? Many well-informed, intelligent people would find your religion, clothes, and interests to be quite inappropriate. Live and let live. Judging others, and seeking to criticize them in order to feel superior, are your own problems that you should address on your own. It is also good to remember that if you say something nasty and or inappropriate towards your daughter-in-law, there's a good chance she'll bring it up with your son. Not only will you lose your daughter-in-law's respect, but also your own child's. While you may think your son's opinion of you is unconditional, do you really want to be proved wrong? Everyone knows of a family where the son took his wife's side before his mother's.

Keep secrets secret. Do not, under any circumstances, gossip. You'd be surprised at how often it gets back to the person, especially within families and or mutual friends/acquaintances. If you go to one person and gossip, you are creating a situation in which your son, who is attached to this woman, is likely to feel less close to you and will want to see you less often. If you gossip amongst mutual acquaintances, you are driving your family apart; why do you want to do this? If you gossip between family members, friends, and acquaintances the one to whom you are gossiping will never trust you even if you're saying nothing negative about her, because you're displaying inappropriate behavior. And what about the day when your daughter-in-law gets together with other family members, mutual friends or acquaintances? What happens when she starts hearing what you've been saying. It will happen eventually. If you proceed to gossip and criticize, you are setting up a situation which will inevitably have negative consequences. For you.

Remember that your son now makes his own decisions. Your son chose this woman. Deliberately. Does it seem a bad match to you? Remember that he's a guy, and he probably has not shared his needs with you, but nevertheless, he has them. There are parts of both your son and your daughter-in-laws personality, wants, needs, dreams and fantasies, that you will most likely never know. There are decisions and discussions that happen between these two that may never be shared with you and those boundaries should be respected. Perhaps after being raised in a quiet home, he wanted to marry a social, outgoing person. Maybe he wants someone who makes a good salary, in order to take the pressure from him. Maybe he tells his wife that you criticized him as a child, and he likes the way she showers him with love and affection. Perhaps he hates making decisions because he's busy, and he wants a woman who will pick a car and a vacation spot so he can think of other things. Or maybe he adores you so much he wanted to marry someone just like you! Just remember that she may meet his needs in ways you don't see or understand.

Remember that your son and daughter-in-law are both adults. While you may want to keep your hand on the seat or act like a pair of training wheels on a bike, most likely, your daughter-in-law will see this as your way of indicating that you don't feel that either of them are responsible enough to take care of themselves. Do not ask for the details of every life decision they make and then proceed to discuss the options unless they specifically ask for your advice. Their decisions are just that, their decisions. Do not constantly ask them to specify all their plans..who they're going with, when they're going, why they're going, where they're going or what they're going to do when they get there. It will make your daughter-in-law feel like you are trying to parent her (see #2 above). Do not ask them to call you every time they get in and out of a car. They will most likely call you out of consideration, but requesting that they call you turns it into an obligation and again, is treating them like children. Do not 'warn' them to stay away from bad neighborhoods, get in at a decent hour or not to take candy from strangers. Okay, maybe candy from a stranger is a bit overboard, but the general idea is, under no circumstance should you ever treat your daughter-in-law like a child. Your constant questioning will only cause problems between her and your son, and eventually, you and your son.

Don't insult your daughter-in-law's intelligence. While you may think she's stupid, chances are, she's not; after all, she was smart enough to pick out your son. Also do not speak for your daughter in law when family or friends want participation for functions or events. While you may not consider her part of the family, your son does and nothing will drive them both away faster than that kind of inappropriate behavior.

Remember that your daughter in law is your son's life partner. Do not try to force yourself to be your son's first priority. If he has already made it clear or hinted to you that the new woman in his life is important to him, then respect his wishes; step aside and let him live his life with his new partner. It is their time in their life to adjust to each other and experience things together. The last thing any newly married couple wants is to have an intrusive mother in law. You as a wife, would not like for your mother in law to do the same to you so practice the same courtesy that you request of your mother in law with your daughter in law. More than likely your daughter in law already understands how you feel about coming second to your son however do not put her in a position where she has to defend her position beside your son just because you feel insecure about not being his first priority. The result of that will not only alienate your son from you; but you will only have yourself to blame for being excluded from their newly made family.

• When in doubt, imagine your daughter-in-law is a good friend. Real friends treat each other with kindness, respect, and accommodation in spite of differences. If you're ever unsure of how to respond to a situation, ask yourself what you would do if a close friend was in your daughter-in-law's place.

To close: Good luck to you mothers-in-law out there! You have a special challenge, and it's hard to see your sons "move on" with other women. But loving, unobtrusive, and well-mannered mothers-in-law are a cherished treasure, a gift not only for daughters-in-law, but for the whole family. Remember to consider all that has been mentioned above for a good relationship with your daughter-in-law.


It has to stop today. No more stupid jealousy, i didn't steal anybody, I am good enough & he is 110% happy. Is that not enough? I'm not going anywhere..what's wrong with some understanding on both parts & make this a happy family instead of making it feel nitpicked, labeled as crazy and spoken about and not in a respectful way behind ones back.

It's been 15 months

Since my sister first found out about this cancer. I was told that this weekend. It was July of last year. When I look at it like that, I can't help but think.. "Oh she's doing pretty well then".. & for a while I feel fairly positive. But when I also look at each time I've seen her, I can't not notice how fast it seems to be progressing from the time before that that I saw her. I also know she is fighting with everything she has.

Everyday is a contradiction, everyday is different.

My sister is stubborn. I used to think this was not a good thing but right now it's exactly what she needs.

Emotions....they are like a rollercoaster & nobody tells you about that. You can imagine but you can never really imagine what it feels like. In fact nobody really tells you anything. It is like being in this club that everybody knows about it but nobody wants to be a member of or to know someone they love is a member of. I think a part of my brain overlooks what is actually going on.


She turned 32 yesterday & she looked happy♥ In pain but happy. For some reason the pain relief isn't working as well this time around. She is having chemotherapy again & more radiotherapy on her lungs. She can't breath properly and her right lung has collapsed in the middle..her airways are being crushed from the lymph nodes which are also cancerous. To me I see a young woman who is fighting & holding her head up & also looking for something, her mind & eyes are able but her body is defeating her, It's letting her down. Then at times maybe it picks up, or maybe the pain killers are working properly & doing their thing. How would I know.

I've seen her now in pain and not in pain & it's not easy. I want to sit down with her and have a proper heart to heart talk. For us both to cry & to just bond on another level. We're getting along as if nothing has ever happened or gone wrong & for that I am forever grateful & I get the feeling she is too..


I go through different emotions of being angry at myself for being ever angry at her & then I say to myself that I wasn't to know. I think what it is is, that knowing how much time we've wasted being angry and how that can never be given back. I also know we're doing something about that right now & I can see that we somehow couldn't do properly before & I think had we not gotten this small chance.... I do wonder how we got here I wonder that all the time & it seems like just a bad dream.

Today is a good day, yesterday morning wasn't, & tomorrow will be one or the other. I think it will be ok. The bad days seem to be less often now they're still at least once a week but not all consuming like they were in June.


I probably have a lot more to say but don't really feel like it, because things are atm, pretty good. I try to find the positive if I can and if I can't, then I can't. And that's ok :).


There is a LOT more I can say on other topics but I really cannot be bothered. Maybe next time.

♥..

x0 x0..

24 hours ago

This time last night that my sister sends me a message on facebook telling me that she's not feeling too good..she's in a fair amount of pain & it was difficult to breathe. She'd been out with our Dad for dinner & had a sudden coughing fit which left her with a very sharp pain in her right side going from under her breast going through and radiating from her back. She didn't say anything at all about it to Dad she didn't want to worry him..he went home that night & then she basically put up with the pain for another 24 hours...and then that's when she told me.
I'd seen her earlier that day she seemed to be nauseous and not looking too happy the chemotherapy had begun to make her feel sick.

She was wondering if she'd pulled a muscle or maybe even cracked a rib the pain was that bad. She had next to no sleep she's up anyway during the night normally trying to get comfortable, using her hot water bottle, refilling it & so on. Her quality of life seems to be fast going down hill. She's either in pain or not sleeping because of the pain.

So I said to her last night & at the risk of her going mad at me that maybe it was a good idea to go to the hospital to be checked out, I could take her or she could ring for an ambulance. I got the response I knew I would and she was against that saying that emergency isn't for a bit of wheeziness or a pulled muscle...but this isn't just a little scratch I'm thinking. You have cancer.


I told my husband & he said the same as I did that she should really go. I suggested maybe just ring emergency then & see what they think so she did & she was asked to come up straight away. Her breathing was obvious on the phone. I jumped in the shower & left home at around 11pm. It was a full moon last night & there was no traffic at all, it was just me on my own going to my sister. I felt hugely calm, I had a job to do there was no time for emotions to take over plenty of time for that later on my own. We left her place and arrived at the hospital at around midnight or thereafter & she was seen immediately. We waited no longer than 10 minutes.

The nurse was visibly taken back, probably because of her age. She had to ask my sister questions & I could tell she was just at a loss. She was very caring & did her job.. She took her stats they were all stable, a good sign at least. She asked if we were sisters which we looked at each-other & said "Yep" we all smiled, the nurse who was around our ages said something to the effects of "that's so good, that's so cool" & you could tell that there were just no other words. That was a bit hard and I pushed back that lump in my throat & looked across at some curtains & cupboards it wasn't the time. She got her a room around the other side of emergency she was so swift.
We waited there in the other area & during the night she was seen by numerous medical staff. Her breathing was difficult so she was put on oxygen which she stayed on for the entire night. They also gave her panadeine forte for pain relief as well as another chemotherapy pain relief tablet, I have no idea what it is. Before now, she was given by the previous hospital only panadol & nurofen to help with her pain..that is digusting. It wasn't even touching the sides.

She had bloods taken & the night nurse must have been in a hurry because the amount of mess she made with the blood, she was a bit rough. I've never seen anything like it. And my sister hates needles. The porta cath in her chest, this is where they are supposed to do all of the treatments from but this one didn't. So she put a port in her arm for a drip.

They were concerned about 2 things, that it could possibly be Community-acquired pneumonia. or a blood clot because of her pain so they started her on a bag of antibiotics & a saline solution. She went for an x-ray . She later had 2 injections in her stomach for the prevention of more clots. By this time everything had been done and they were waiting for her to have a ct scan at around 9am. I think the time was now around 5am. Later on after I'd left they removed her stitches from having the porta cath put in so that was another good thing from last night.

She was going to be admitted and I was going to go up there again tonight to see her. She messaged me not long after 10 am to say that all her bloods & the ct scan came back clear!!! and they were allowing her to go home but had given her a list of prescriptions which she was waiting for to be filled & had also seen her chemotherapy doctor. She may have too much Plutonium in her body & the chemotherapy may need to be adjusted according to what suits her.

So in a nutshell she's gone home, she is happier & now has proper pain relief. Her coughing which is caused by the lesions in her lungs is what is making it difficult to breathe & her regular ventolin as the previous hospital had prescribed isn't enough. This will be what happens now I can see this, she will have her treatments but will be living with pain now for good & this is what needs to be adjusted & worked out what is best for her. She has some bruising from the coughing & interestingly enough it is more painful on the side which she has her biggest lesion in her lungs.


I'm glad we persisted I'm glad she saw that is is ok to go and be checked out. She seems to think she isn't worthy that had a car accident victim had have come in last night they'd be first priority,. I knew she'd be a priority she's got cancer but how do you say that without saying it, you know?


Tonight I hope she is at least sleeping. In time her medication will kick in she has been given one days ago which take 10 days to work within your system they're a morphine pain relief.


Argghhh if only I could take half of her pain to share it out to make it more manageable for her to live with, if only I could do more for her. You feel really helpless & to sit there for half a night with her well I see the small blessings in that that I get to spend some time with her we'd not normally. I wanted to do an 'all nighter' with her and we did it..even if it was in hospital it was just us 2, it was quiet & it was actually all ok..she was feeling comfortable. She seemed ok and I was happy. Leaving this morning was the hardest thing walking off & closing multiple doors behind me knowing I was leaving my little sister alone in there but I had to get home because I knew the sun was up, if I didn't drive home soon I'd not be capable, my husband had to be at work in 2 hours & the kids were obviously at home.

I drove off just after 6am, cried & went home to bed.

I almost forget

What this blog was ever intended for in the first place. I also know now that if our mother was a real mother this blog wouldn't even exist. I have to go out for a while but I wanted to freshen this 'place' up a bit and I love the picture above that I found. It kind of says in a picture how I feel about this Mothering thing.

I look at that little unborn baby with it's crown of precious stones sitting gently on it's sleeping head. I look at the mother shape & I think..ok none of us are perfect nobody is. You DON'T get a manual on how to become a mother nor do you get the support you are more than often than not, desperately needing.

And then I look again at this innocent little soul & I can see that it never asked to be here,it just is. The one in the picture never asked to be treated in ways it never should be. We as the 'adult'~ the parent..put our own print onto our unborn babies because it's all we know.. & sometimes people see these precious little beings as an end to their own life, nothing but a nuisance & we get too wrapped up within our own selves.

It's something that I struggle with. Not personally but seeing & hearing.. I see mothers with their babies, their children & something isn't switched on.. it's not always their own fault I'm not into bashing mothers at all..I see healthy happy noisy, normal children & it makes me think

"If you keep doing that your precious son or daughter will end up like me, they will grow and learn to hate you..STOP IT NOW LOOK WHAT YOU ARE DOING!!"
How come we treat our children as burdens? I will NEVER understand this. No i don't feel this way towards my own because I have seen first hand I LIVED what this does to an innocent childs heart & I promised myself I'd never repeat this. I also know as an adult that sure i get annoyed with them from time to time but after having a Mother that was emotionally non-existent and often physically not available , I've learnt to over look the small things that don't matter & concentrate on what does matter.

Babies never asked to be born. We need to start seeing them as the blessings that they are. Sure they make you insanely tired, they change your body in ways you'd rather not..they sick up all over you they poop like nothing else..but they also have their own beating heart & are taking everything around them good & bad, in. We all grew up with hopefully at least one kind person in our lives, we as mothers need to be that kind person in our own babies lives. Not their best friend but loving, nurturing mothers.


I guess you could call this rant over. It's something I am really passionate about. help is available if only we'd go and look for it.Seriously don't let your kids grow up with this crack in their hearts that mine can't seem to heal, we don't realize this but we're changing who they are.

See those little abbreviated things over there>>>>>> I forget to use them, i don't really care to think about the foos & who's who..to me none of that matters now & I can't be bothered. If someone I knew found this well then they find it, who cares!

Round 2

Yesterday my sister started chemotherapy again which she will have now every 3 weeks, then the hospital will do a scan to see how the cancer is responding & then proceed with another round. She did tell me but it's all pretty confusing. So long as I know when she is having her treatment done & if i can do anything when the time comes is all I need to know right now. I did offer to go with her but she knows me pretty well & said if I go in there & cry then she will cry & she doesn't want that.

I am glad this lot of treatment has started because it means it will keep her here with us all for that bit longer. WHo knows she might be ok when this is all done, but not being able to have it and being mucked around by hospitals also allows it to grow bigger & spread. At least now it's all systems go.

Her partner is going to come up here on those days she has her chemo so he will go with her. I offered to pick them up from her place & take them back home at the end of the day~ so I hope she will take me up on the offer at times, even everytime. I said to her that maybe I can make her food to eat then & I said I want to do something so hopefully that is what I will do. Drop them off so they don't have to worry about public transporting and I can leave her food so she won't have to worry about cooking..even if it's for that night & then some things she can take home & put in the freezer. And fresh fruits etc. I'm not just going to sit around & do nothing. She is my sister.

You feel pretty helpless just watching all this go on & seeing people around the place go on about the small things makes me pretty annoyed but I realize that it's just where I am at the moment, & that I to do those small stupid things that maybe others in this same or worse position also find annoying..am I making sense? Dunno. I know what I mean.

She sent me a text last night saying it all went well yesterday, that she was really tired & was going to go to bed when she got home & can I ring our Dad? Yep no problems at all. I told her that I will & that I am proud of her, that she's a little warrior ♥. We'll catch up soon on the phone & when she's feeling up to it I will go see her & take some fresh fruits & vegetables.

Ummm what else..not much. I am keeping extra busy because for me that is best, I am also laughing a lot and trying to keep a positive outlook on things.

Dad said to me last night he thinks it could be in her whole body, the pain she's having in her lower back. She's in a lot of pain. She can't sleep on her left side or her right because it hurts. She can't sleep on her back because it hurts and her front, also hurts.

I can't imagine this & I feel so bad for her, there is nothing that anybody can do. I hope she can get some sort of pain relief. I did ask her about this on Tuesday night but she doesn't really want it. Pethidine I think she said made her feel high & she never liked the way it made her feel & I don't really remember but she might have said it didn't help the pain anyway??

I woke up at 4am this morning & couldn't get back to sleep but i did eventually. I think it's just that constant worry that is in the back of your mind & the thought of "was she sleeping? was she comfortable?" It's not nice to be in your own bed and be ok while she's off in hers fighting, struggling.

Blogging hiatus

A lot has happened in the past month & I've not felt like blogging, which is why I haven't. I will for now keep it short & sweet...


I've spent some time with my sister, she stayed over & we had a great time watching the sunrise, shopping..and watching her ride her bike we all pitched in for and bought for her as a surprise....

I've cried more times than I can remember and I've also smiled. I gotta just remember that..☼

I've asked God to help me because I can't do this on my own. We've been to church 2times.

I have talked to my Dad lots, friends have been an amazing support when i need them, hence me not really blogging i tend to make private hidden posts and then delete them, it's the instant posting of facebook that I have needed to vent, to ask questions to let the pent up emotions out.

I booked a pap smear finally after 10 years of waiting, why did I wait? I can't answer that. I went in a week & a half ago. I get my results tomorrow.

Lots more has happened but there's been a lot in a short time and I simply can't remember anything else. I haven't been to my psychologist appointments for maybe 5 weeks? She went on holidays, that's alright because I learnt to deal with some pretty strong emotions and I did it on my own.. i go back this tuesday..and that's another thing..medicare say I only have 3 appointments left for the year that i can claim..I will pay for what I need then & claim nothing back.

I'm going to see my sister again I hope in the next couple of weeks, she is starting her chemotherapy up here which I know I am happy about because it means It will make it a heck of a lot easier for me to take her to and from appointments if she wants me to and to drop her off some dinners.. she's basically around the corner now. She is about to start some heavy duty chemo but this time I will be able to support her which is also going to make it real, when you've not been seeing it it's easy to not realize the enormity of a situation.

My heart is hurting and I allow it to open and the pain pours out, then you start all over again until the next time that it becomes too much again. I don't know what is going to happen, I'm in 2 minds & I go from one to the other and it's often a few times in one day.

That is about all for now♥ stay safe & take care xoxox

Numb

My last blog post:( I'd forgotten about posting that. I'm not sure what to say or how to say it even though I've been doing it all week but my sisters cancer is non curable:(. I've had a week tonight to digest this & even saying this, is somehow still surreal. A lot has happened in this past week. Dad rang last Thursday night and I knew something was wrong because of the seriousness of his voice, Dad's not like that he's usually a goof ball. I knew it was the day she was getting the results but I was totally unexpecting to hear the worst, thinking instead, hoping that if worse it had gone to her bones but they could still treat this. I now know that still wasn't a good option but what your mind wants to tell you, well is not easy & sometimes you listen to this because it's all you have.

The cancer has spread to her lungs. In that split second I heard the words "It's in her lungs" time stood still, this was not what I wanted to hear & I backed up into the corner of the kitchen bench and just stood there looking horrified and not knowing what to do next. What to say, how to feel. My little sister is not going to be able to be cured. I'm going to lose my sister.

I went to see her on Sunday and we picked up where we left off..but as if nothing has ever happened. No cancer, no not speaking, no fighting, nothing at all wrong. It was amazing really that we were able to just be sisters, and I think we were and still are both thankful. I've had to keep busy all week mentally as well as emotionally. I need to keep strong for her but also I know I am already beginning to grieve what we won't have. I cannot still believe this is happening, if I slow down long enough it starts to creep back in so up goes the face, keeping it straight and to be completely honest I've acted the goat because it's the opposite to how I am really feeling. My heart is broken.

She seems healthy. To look at her you'd not know there is something horribly wrong & I'm not sure if that is hard or not. I think for now it's a blessing and for her too. I don't know how she's doing this, how she gets up everyday and is able to do what she is doing. Put's a smile on her face.


It's all a bad dream. How do you live without your sister? 31 and 35 years old, what do you do? what do you say when shes having a really bad day which will come if not already, what do you say when there's nothing left to say when there are no words left? How do you say "it will be alright" when in your heart you know that's not true. My little sister has stage 4 cancer. how did we get here? I don't know the answer to that.

Just Pray pray pray....