*Different Relationships with Different Children~

Adult children of Borderlines may experience conflict with siblings who have different perceptions of the same mother. One patient lamented that her brother accused her of neglecting their elderly mother. The patient had been abused by her mother & minimized contact to reduce the possibility of conflict. Her brother however was the designated all-good child & shared his mothers negative perceptions of his sister. Thus, conflicts are common amongst siblings who have different relationships with the same borderline mother.

This would be how I would explain the relationship with both of my younger siblings. I'm the eldest & the scapegoat, my sister the second born is the no-good child whom in our NM's eyes can never do anything right & our brother, the 3rd born is the golden child. It's also interesting that he is a boy..
****************************************************************************

When feelings regarding traumatic experiences are not worked through, emotional growth is stunted. Therefore parents must allow the child to express intense emotion in order to prevent repression of the feelings. Very often the traumatic experience is never discussed, let alone worked through.

I cannot disregard this & strongly wonder if this is what happened when my NM was taken from her own Mother & given to her FOO to be raised by them. In her own home & then gone the next & very possibly told to just simply get on with living her life. Thus BDP developed??
********************************************************************************

Messages from the Queen Mother

*"You deserve the best, but i deserve better" this is often blatantly obvious
*"What's mine is mine, & what's yours is mine" & so is this...
*It's never enough" every request she makes must be fulfilled & they become never-ending
*"I love you when I need you" my Nm never rings me for no reason, never to just say hello it's only when she wants something or to get me to do things for her: read often sucking up for me to do things for others so that in a roundabout way she looks good.
*"I resent you needing me" she's not there for me in my time of need. I could count on 1 hand.
*"I am a special exception" of course she is. She thinks everybody needs/wants/ adores her
*"The rules don't apply to me" true
*"I deserve more" she admitted to my foo she is remarrying for material possession & that she won't be in a relationship with him and come out with nothing :/
*"It's never good enough" of course not


The Witches messages to her children

*"I could kill you" she's said so many times "I brought you into this world i will take you out". And shes deadly serious & I can see now the 'witch' is truly out when shes in this mood
*"You'll be sorry" LOL
*"You won't get away with this" she is always right & if you defer from her you will pay
*"You deserve to suffer" see above
*"I'd be better off without you" she told me last year after I told her some home truths that her friends tell her to just dump me that I'm not worth it but then she tells them that I have problems
*"You'll never escape my control" no but the electric gate where i live & my refusal to answer every phone call certainly helps
*"It's my right as your parent to control you" I'm still at 35 years old "a child"
*"I'm going to make you pay". Of course NM.


Run,run,run & don't look back....and then amidst all of this she can be loving & appears to care about me. She's who I want her to be she's warm she's laughing & so am I...

'Childhood lived with a borderline mother results in an unspeakable tragedy. Few of the child's developmental needs are met because the mother cannot be a parent.'

&

'Masked by a smile, behind the pinafore of maternal attachment lurks a borderline mother. Dr Lawson offers a compelling portrait of mothers who project massive states of confusion & terror in her children. She presents a variety of mothers, including the make-believe mother, the fairy tale mother, the queen & witch mother along with specific clinical suggestions for dealing with each type.
*******************************************************

The Queen Mother:

The darkness within the borderline Queen is emptiness. Her inner experience is a
deprivation & her behavior evokes compliance. She is demanding & flamboyant & may intimidate others. The Queen feels entitled to exploit others & can be vindictive & greedy. The Queen's emotional message to her children is:

Life is "all about me".

The Witch Mother:

The darkness within the borderline Witch is annihilating rage. Her inner experience is the conviction of being evil, & her behavior evokes submission. The witch can hide in any of the other three profiles as a temporary ego-state. She is filled with self-hatred & may single out one child as the target of her rage. The Witch's emotional message to her children is:

Life is war.

Understanding the Borderline Mother

I just tidied up my last blog post~ It made less sense than I had wanted it to & I can see when I am not really 'there in the moment' but on an emotional ride my posts make little sense & I cringe when I read them.

Anyway... I got an email from the library the other week saying I had this book to collect, which I surprised about because I forgotten that I had put in for an inter library loan a little while ago.

It's a really good book and from memory around $50 so I didn't want to pay for this myself as I know once read it will only sit in the cupboard. I am bookmarking pages that relate so that I can reference them in here but notice I am book marking almost all of 2 chapters~ The Queen Mother & The Witch Mother.

Like the previous books I've read on BPD, I feel the words in them are also my own. I also have moments where i read these things & it's as if parts of my childhood are in these books & it will hit me again & for that split second I am deeply saddened.

In this book it goes on to talking about the way someone cares for someone & I related this to my DG, it spoke of:

'her giving of herself and caring'..and then I realized all over again that DG is not here & I really miss her.. we had a closely knit bond that is still there whenever I talk or think about her.

Contrast to that this also mirrored what my own birth NM didn't do & I just stared realizing again that the one who was my Mum was gone. How do you live with this~ I don't know you just get on with it. It's times like these that it hits you in the face & I feel like curling up into a ball. These moments of hurt & realization will always be with me & I am learning to just quietly watch them float by & then out again the same way they seem to just drift in.

I am understanding my NM more & more & can see her in 2 lights now which make it easier to deal with but still causes me anxiety when the phone rings & it's her because you never know what you're going to get if it's going to be "nice" NM or "the pissed off" NM. A part of me feels sorry for her & can see that what she hands out is not to be taken personally but I also know that I am NM's scapegoat so I almost have to expect 'something'. And then on the other hand I strongly dislike her she freaks the hell out of me & I am never comfortable with her tone.. It's confusing

But you know,I am really looking forward to reading the rest of this book & allowing myself to 'see' more & work through it & have a better grasp on things so that when the situation arises I am ready emotionally...mmm tall feat but hopefully it can be done.

Me= scapegoat..can it?
Her=internal & external chaos.

Hiatus =over ☼

I've been on a break, a mind break. It's something that I find I need to do.
Interestingly enough Mothers Day was also in there which I do have to blog about (later in the day when I get the chance) ~ it was no doubt a part of my zoning out... Mothers Day was certainly different within me this year but it was mostly good, anything with my own little family is good & also I'm really happy with where I am at but at the same time not naive to know this work is all done, because it never will be unfortunately. Good or not it's how it is, it's a continous journey of learning & 'working' ~


The reason I am blogging this morning is that I finally got to talk to my FOO last night & I went to bed feeling defeated with a mind full of no answers & blank spaces amongst the 'what-evers' that were floating around in my head. FOO knows what was said by me now & that things were not said in the same context that were intended, hearsay. I told FOO I cannot say I am sorry for something I never said but am sorry if FOO was hurting from this. We had the chance to talk via email to each-other & just hearing a little bit of what the other one had to say.

The defeated feeling was not from the usual feelings of anxiety that I get when I do communicate with my family it was about FOO and opening up & telling me what it's been like having cancer, what the treatments are doing to her body while at the same time fighting to save her life. She is one brave person and I am so glad she knows I do love her and am here for her because it's all she needs right now at the moment, at this time in her life. I feel helpless and it's a nightmare knowing what she is living with & she still has more to come.

The reason I messaged her was I really feel in my heart to tell her what I know~ that I really believe that our NM has a serious mental illness (through no fault of her own) & subsequently the effects & the choices that shes made our whole lives are a major part of the fracture within our family.She wasn't all that surprised that NM could have borderline personality disorder & has been reading the same book I bought~ which kinda shocked me..did I tell her about it?? Did someone in the family tell her?? I have no idea..maybe she does read this blog.. I don't know.


I got up this morning feeling a lot more positive for her which is a good feeling & It's all i can do for her at this point. It was then I also realized that I've been unfairly judged by a lot of family members over the wrong words that were what i had supposedly said to her, my name has been dragged though the mud (yet again) & then I also noticed how I could have done what I have done in situations before & fallen back into the way of thinking of "See it's all ok.. our relationship must be ok...things are good now"..when they're still not. Either I am a sucker or just plain stupid. Too long not sticking up for myself & what I believe in I think.


I am there for her but I also must take care of myself not only for myself but for my own family as well as my own mental health.

I can't fix my FOOS problems & will support her where I can but still have my own boundaries for myself. I am by passing my NM now & can clearly see where the problems mostly lie. NM won't like it, she may not even notice it other than I am pushing her away 'again'~ in her famous last words.


Anyway the important thing is that my FOO knows I do love her & want the best for her & I guess we can see where things go from there. I'm leaving this in the man upstairs hands that everything that has been going on with her is all alright & a side effect from the treatments & that it's not cancer that has spread to her bones. He's the only one who can save her life now it's too much for my mind to wrap itself around & I feel I have to give it up in order to be strong for her because she needs it.

FOO is being strong for everybody else but the truth is she admitted she's anything but and is feeling a breakdown coming on. I need to get my thoughts in order...remove the fear & replace it with positive thoughts & feelings as hard as that is you have not much choice.

That said keep your chin up it's not easy to stay positive when things don't go the way we hoped or planned but it's better than the alternative. Have a good day blogger family ♥

Air - All I Need

There is something going on between my husband & myself we have this new freshness going on..I think we're falling in love again. He told me a few weeks ago that he felt like he was & it's something we've both been noticing {♥}

he was trying to find a song, I accidentally found an email that he'd sent to a radio station to get them to play a song.

message: been going insane trying to find an older song (late 90s-early 00s) but have no idea of artist or title. played on jjj recently,female vocals,mellow/love song,music video featured skateboarding young couple so in love & their daily life; makes me cry just thinking about it!! please help me find this song again so my wife and i can listen to it together,i love her so much! thanks for any help you can give.


The first time we watched it he cried & it's kinda become our song now..& when I think about it {All I need } ~ it's all right here under this roof cos what matters most is now not yesterday, that's already happened & you can't ever go back & realizing what I have now, why would you even want to? ♥ xxxx

Keeping positive & an open mind

On the whole I am feeling pretty positive it's how I normally roll & it's kinda just who I am.

A friend once asked me "How do you do it? " but the answer to me is fairly simple ~ it's an 'everyday' choice that you make, to wake up and to take the time to smell the roses.. to see the sun shining and even if there is nothing but grey skies & lots of rain to notice how pretty the sky still looks, how the yard looks greener, how the rain splashes against the windows... & to happily begin the day~ even though there is {each morning} a fresh cat poo, waiting just for me, on the floor beside the litter box in the laundry... & then occasionally in the middle of cleaning that up, the phone might ring & it's sometimes my Mum & then that wash of 'panic' of answering it & never knowing whether I am going to get the 'nice' mum or another version of...& then it's back to normal stuff that goes on in our own home which quickly ( & thankfully) brings me back to earth.

When things go wrong they can be all consuming but I've worked out a long time ago if the thing happening isn't something that can kill me then in the grand scheme of things it probably doesn't matter ..& it helps me to let it go. But not always it does depend!!!
Certain people, they can move me from my axis just like that & it's then that I have to decide what i am going to do next.

I've got about 4 Mum incidents that I could relay but I really don't feel like it. I think I've dealt with and processed these things within my mind now & to go back not only takes more time away that I could be doing spent on things i enjoy and also because it's just mentally tiring. I'm also learning to 'step away' even when shes on the phone I'm listening but I'm not really there. The other night she rang up and I was on facebook & instead of engaging myself with her drunkard (which I the next day realized!!) drivel I instead focused on the hum of the rangehood whirring away & thought about how far I've come and am able to more often than not now switch off.


Which is really kinda cool.

She's just a broken record playing the same song over & over just sometimes a remix of the versions she has given me before..I've come to fully realize shes broken me so many times over & just keeps on spinning but shes skipping & listening to that shit now just gives me the pips.

My life even with what 'has been', is embedded within my mind, the love I've seen & then lost..& then with it's daily cat poop on the laundry floor~ it's pretty freaking good you know ~ I've been overhearing other people's problems & their worries & I've thought to myself .. "I'm glad I have my own things I don't think I'd want to swap with yours"..probably being so used to my own they seem easier, when I know for a fact they are not.

I've also come to realize that my everyday now life is as it should be & these things worrying me are from yesterday & the stuff I've been overhearing are from these peoples 'now' lives..food for thought...

My life *before life* I'd never swap it for the world, not even for all the chocolate in the world because what I've seen & lived & learned has made me who I am & now I am where I am supposed to be ☼♥


ps. I may be back at any time to have a whinge about Mum & her latests that is a given but I've also realized that is ok..that is life:)..just don't dwell for too long, air my grievances & move the heck on. I am now the proud owner of an "off/on" switch that gets used a lot more these days =)

{♥}

even when there's no peace outside my window there's peace inside
& that's why I no longer run

How about ...♪

Being thankful for ALL lessons negative & positive & learning always = LIVING authentically ♥

I never thought

I'd be the sort of person who could end things. But I did I felt it & saw it. I was driving to one of my appointments & out from nowhere came this thought of " Why don't you just let the car wander over there & hit into those trees go on do it..it will all end no more fear or pain, you won't have to worry about people dying you won't have to worry about a single thing. There is nothing to stop you you know".


EFF OFF. I kept driving & ignored 'it'. And then I confessed it to my psychologist. I have no idea looking back now if I did tell her that day or if it was thereafter but she asked me something & then said to just observe that thought next time I feel it, if I was to feel it again.

The thing is I am not that sort of person at all, never have been never will be. I owe myself to my family & could & would never but what I do understand now is that I just wanted the pain & all the hurt to stop I didn't want to die.


Please if anybody out there ever has these feelings or thoughts tell someone don't let yourself slide until it is too late. This is so important & is not an answer it's NEVER an option.

LIFE is beautiful it is good, there is nothing you can't overcome with the right help & support. Big loves♥

12 months

Already since I started on this journey. It was April of 2010 & the stress of what had been going on with my sister was beginning to boil over. Boil over much more than it ever had before. Over the past 2 years we'd stopped talking, then started again & it went on a number of times. I've actually lost count now couldn't even tell you. But this time it was different & I had a rage I couldn't contain any longer. BOOM It had broken the banks. I was done, spent..no more. It seemed to come on rather quickly after our 'last spack" but I now know cracks were appearing long before this & I was just good at covering things up.

Underneath it all was much more ..I had no idea what was about to make it's way out. Well I did, I knew what was in 'that box' I'd left up high on a shelf long ago but understanding most of it was about to hit me tenfold. And it did & it still does. I didn't ever really think I had to do anything with all that information that I knew that was within me, it had happened in 'my other life', doesn't really matter anymore. Does it?


One thing that I know now is to never google symptoms of yourself. It only took the one time to plant a seed in my mind & I thought there was something terribly wrong with me. I was going to die, it was plain & simple. I'd never really worried about my health like this before but every little ache or pain made me go straight to the darkest corners of my mind & I couldn't escape them. Before this, for some time actually, I'd cry for no reason and it was becoming more frequent & so was my anger.

I remember laying down on the lounge one afternoon my heart was racing & there was no reason for this. I wanted this feeling of sheer panic & terror to go away. I was trying to calm myself down and just 'be'. Next thing a plane roared past taking off & I literally jumped from the lounge *heart still beating like crazy* & went straight to the kitchen picked up the address book & rang our local medical centre. They got me in with a GP & for me to come down in 20 minutes time. I quickly got myself & my young daughter ready & gave our boys firm instructions & that I would be home soon. I knew they'd be ok because I had just started letting them stay home on occasion on their own.

We drove out, I cried before I got to the end of the street.

"Not now not now" & then I thought "No just get it out now & you will be fine"

I had no idea. Got inside & I had to say my name & that I had an appointment but I couldn't get the words out. I just stood there looking at the receptionist trying & could feel my eyes were filling. I continued to just stand there & look & try & it was as if someone had then already told her what I was there for they quickly did then what they had to do. She took me into a room and tried to calm me & that everything was going to be alright. She pulled the curtain for privacy & there I sat with my little girl on the bed & I soon calmed down.

By the time I got in to see the Dr the panic started again & he simply asked me "So what is going on at home?" & it all just spewed out all on it's own. I had no idea what i was going to say let alone think about it first. .."Nothing - my sister left her kids for some man on the internet".. He sat there & listened, not that much older than myself but the look on his face was of concern for all involved. He was very thorough & he seemed to know what was going on just like the lady in reception had done. He asked some more & then told me that I had "stress & anxiety" & that a psychologist could become available for me if I so wanted to. Yes I did. Yes just book me in.


I had a few weeks until I could get in & the rest is history. In 12 short months I have learnt so much, I've been able to put the missing pieces of this puzzle which was my life back together & I've also been able to see things from different places I never could before. Funnily my sister has taken the backseat and Mum has been the primary talking point. I firmly believe she has Borderline Personality Disorder.. it's a full blown mental illness. I am somewhat relieved but it's also at times shocking, extremely sad & a way I can sigh with a heart full of relief. It's also confronting & very scary to think about. Did we survive a parent with an undiagnosed mental illness? I believe we did.. An abusive parent not physically but in every other way that there is possible.

I also learnt who my real mum is & that would have to be one of the greatest gifts I've ever received (alongside my amazing husband & our beautiful children).

This is one of the things that hurt the most that I really never had a Mum, None of us did. It's the saddest thing in all of this because not only has it had enormous ramifications our Mum doesn't even have herself & watching her 'self destruct slowly' is not a pleasant thing no matter how much she's hurt me, not to mention us all.


I have 6 months left to go & to be honest I'm not ready to stop. I'm scared to stop I don't want to do this on my own. My psychologist has been a great source of support & learning & to not have that 'safety net' seems too much for me now to not have. But I'm going to work on it, and see that I can make it alone


12 months is all it's taken to change my life..my life 'now' is great but it's this 'inner' life that needed to heal & I think it is an ongoing thing too it's not a "quick fix bye bye see you later".


I don't cry near as much anymore but when I do I understand it. I am almost back in my happy place but in real life I am much quieter than I was before. I am happy to just observe, to sit back & watch the world go by & from where I am sitting it's a much nicer place. I have peace in my heart real peace & I have more compassion & can see where other people may be coming from whereas before I could not see or understand really at all. Only that they were doing the wrong thing.

I stand up for myself now too, which is an awesome feeling, if I don't then who will?
I'm not a doormat or a pushover so much anymore...big changes within.


If you need to change something that is eating you from the inside out even if you "think" you are fine, then don't put it off...treat yourself with love & kindness & put yourself at project status. You not only owe it to your family but you owe it to yourself ♥ Don't go owning other peoples problems don't go putting your own health last, you'd give your best friends the time of day so how about giving some of that "♥" to the one person it probably matters most


x0x0x0x0x

Narcissistic Wife Yelling at Her Husband for No Reason

These are my parents (were)..haha!!! thank-you video maker!!!!

"...You are a stupid asshole...I am done talking to you.."......

What just happened???!!!! *YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!*******

Argument With A Narcissist (It's Pointless)

I found these late last night a few things happened. These things also relate to the post I am yet to make when i get a chance to, hopefully tonight.

1. I can 110% relate...with NBM & FOO..the things that they are saying good grief.... Been there, used those exact words and heard those phrases..I'm 'that man'!!!

2. I almost peed myself laughing.. this was really good 'therapy' for me & they hit the nail on the head but hey if you don't laugh you cry & then you don't stop. I really thank who ever made these.

3. I had a nightmare last night .SUPRISE SUPRISE. I found myself walking around the house at 2am petrified. I've talked to my therapist about this a couple of times back & it's anxiety. I also researched it a bit online.
I've now noticed they only occur at high stress times & also when something is going on with those mentioned involved. It's mostly NBM. In my dreams I scream at her and there's never a reply back, I'm really angry and venting away. These u-tube videos are virtually re-inactments of the relationships that I have with both my NBM & FOO & they hit very closely to home the word content and I am guessing they just simply stirred up some inner emotions.

It's funny~ you start to move on but it's all recorded there in the black box of your mind. Your mind doesn't forget.
And at no time at all last night was I aware that these could even bother me.
I still don't feel bothered by watching them in fact I am very interested in finding some more. I totally enjoyed watching because it makes light of the situation & just confirmed to me again that I really am not the crazy one even though they both project that you are...

Better go make dinner:)♥ bbl with that post..

{be yourself}

..there is something
that you can do
better than any other~
listen to the inward voice
& bravely obey
that..♥

I have a good post due it's been an 'emotionally' busy past few weeks but the thing I'm extremely happy about is I think I've finally come to that corner that I've been so badly needing to, I'm on the curve and I know I'm in the process of turning that corner..more later..I'm listening to music but just wanted to get this out ♥

NBM has been an absolute 'cow' & has no idea she upset me 3 times in a short period of time, one whole day was 'wasted' complete with headaches and so on. It's stress..I need to get my mind into the right frame to write & atm I'm enjoying myself.


I think it's a right direction on this new path called 'Acceptance', I'm just taking baby steps though & congratulating myself becuase I think I deserve this & I'm not afraid to say it.

GO me!!!!^_^~ x0

AVG seems to be popping up on my page with warnings..

less than 2 hours

DG it was this time of the night that you had literally less than 2 hours left on this earth.Did you know? Were you alone? I've never thought about this but I hope your last moments weren't in pain but in peace, that you weren't scared ~ that you had peace in your heart & that you felt love.
I'm with you all the time xxxx

Nineteen..

that's how many years It's been today DG I miss you, you know ♥

♪♫ express yourself don't repress yourself

i {♥} this version & sometimes when I'm driving to my fortnightly (now monthly) sessions i sing my heart out...."did I have a point of view"... YEP I do :)

love the music, her 'tude in it & just the whole don't treat me like crap cos I'm not having it! ~ :)
EEkk it's past midnight again how did that happen

zzzzzzzzzzzz

i { heart} vintage madonna♥

I know you think I'm the foolish one but I'm not gonna cry for you
Cos that's what you want me to do
No I'm not gonna c-r-y f-o-r y-o-u A-N-Y-M-O-R-E !!!~

Madonna - Over And Over

I'm not afraid to say I hear it differently
It's not the game it's how you play♪..

I have no firm plans on how I'm going to work on this
acceptance thing other than just distracting myself with something 'in the now' when my mind starts doing it's repeat process as it seems to do, it will take some time but it's going to be worth it.

"hurry up hurry up"♪......