Amen....

2016....

It's been almost 6 years soon since this blog was born... & It's been so long since my last post.
Today I was looking through my bookmarks and accidentally opened this tab up..then decided to put my book down that I have been reading and instead, go back to the beginning of all of this. And WOW. Wow. So raw and so much progress since when this journey started....  I think I might start updating on where I now am. But tomorrow cos I want to go to sleep ...zzzz xoxox

You know, since I posted what an hour or so ago, I've been thinking how it feels like such a waste of time even talking about her :D


that's how much I have moved on.  Just had to share it. Love love my life (y).  Not sure when I will be back if ever ♥

That was then this is now....

 Since I hadn't  posted in this past year, there is something else that I wanted to put here in this blog, to update my life.   I have made a pretty big change _which has been nothing but positive for me),  & that was that I ended the relationship (or what was left of it), with our mother.

 7 months & 3 days ago was the last time that we spoke. Or more the last time that I allowed her to scream at me, and to walk away from it for good.  And not only at me this time, but it was also at my husband. This is new ground for her, doing this to the both of us.. 20 something years if you really want to get down with it. This  has been a bit of a big deal for me & a decision  not was not & still is not, taken lightly.   The reason I am posting this is that  I hope this might help someone else who's also wanting the emotional, often invisible & verbal abuse to stop, and also for them,  that also means not having to have the feelings of guilt and responsibility of not being able to cut ties without fear of the 'what if's' that will come next. The unavoidable expectations & judgement & non support that will certainly come from other family members. Be it to keep them from seeing the truth which means their lives won't have to change or just that simply they have also been lied to & deceived & to believe anything else, is just too painful for them. So they'd rather avoid and expect you to just put up & shut up.  Except for me, now, hopping off that merry go round of nonsense drives me more than ever because I have finally seen the light of day...from the one that hurt us to our core, that one person that was supposed to be your protector from the day she found out you were going to be in her life...when she had months of waiting & preparing for your arrival... the things and words that they had in their damaged hearts as their own, that were then  wrongly put onto us. I failed to make her already un-perfect life perfect. I failed at my first job in life.

I failed at nothing. It wasn't me it was you.


July 24 2013.

Dear Mum,

I am writing to tell you that I will no longer have you in my life. I'm not yours to hurt, I never was. I was a gift  sent to you for you to love, nurture & then send out into the world to be able to grow on my own. To stand tall in the sun & to blossom with warmth but instead you kept me in YOUR shade & if it weren't for my own inner strength & the love that i did receive from other people close to me,  I would have wilted as my younger sister did.And that  breaks my heart. There is so much that I could say but I won't as it's a never ending merry go round of just deniable words from you. You have overflowed me. There is no truth, there is just simply too much. The way you behaved that day on the phone was the straw that broke the camels back, the piece that finally woke me up from wherever that i was, that other people could see, (that were trying to get me to see but i somehow couldn't!!!) that made me finally say to you "No more. I am done".

I don't wish you harm, I wish you love and I also want you to be happy. I also know that you are not happy & the way you live your life so meaningless gives you short bursts of what you think life is good for, really isn't at all. It's empty. I want you to stop this self destruction & go after what YOU also deserve, what it was that you didn't get.  You have choices..you can get the help..I did try..you just threw it back at me because your so called friends (the ones that don't know you as well as i do)...said to you "What would she know".. . I wanted to help you, help you with what I have learnt but you only pull me under & I was drowning a slow psychological & emotional death.  It hurts my heart to walk away from you for what might be the rest of your or my life, but I have to stay afloat. I'm 38 years old & it's my time to live, & that I am doing well.

Maybe one day things might be different for us but not now and not any time soon. I don't really know when, if ever. I hope so but it has to change. The ball is in your court, I can only go so far.

Love Me. The only daughter you have left.






The truth is, I love myself more. I respect myself & won't put up with abusive behavior at all, anymore. What am I teaching my children? Not a lot when you put up with a life like this.


I have to also say, the past 7 months have been the most peaceful I have felt in a long time...I'm no longer looking over my shoulder & I'm truly enjoying life the way I was meant to be. I am blessed & the sun is warm for me now. And there's no better feeling than that of freedom to be who you are.

Gentle breeze..

It's almost been a year since I wrote in here & in that time a lot has happened. A lot of good & a lot of change. A lot of heartache which I am learning to live with, and also a lot of quiet thinking on my part.

Last month, saw 2 years since my sisters passing & to be  honest, its not so much the actual day itself  but it's the every other day that you just want to get through & live normally,  that can and do, upset you more than an actual anniversary of when she actually died does. That was just one (really bad) day, but before that, was a whole life lived and added to that a whole lot of other memories to randomly think about, & sometimes you just need to sit & quietly observe.  I don't want  & will never  ignore each anniversary as it passes but i also don't feel the need to go out & throw a bit more of her ashes out to sea, so that she knows shes not forgotten or that I love her ..she knows my heart & if i don't feel like doing something on that day, then I won't. And  I'm ok with that too.

Actually last year I texted my psychologist & she asked me was I doing anything special & I replied back with "Nah I cannot be bothered"..to which she did laugh because she knows me pretty well now. And i think if the tables were turned and it was me gone and she were here, Pam would probably  get the 'can't be bothereds'  sometimes too, & she might find herself here wondering "What the heck do I do today Lindy?". And i'd not want her worrying like that either

 And I talk about her A LOT. Mostly online because that's easy to do with everybody that loves her at your fingertips.And they share too...i love to hear stories I've not heard before & to see them light up with their love. And sometimes their grief spills out & i hug and help them the way they have for me. Keeping her alive this way in our every day life & chatting  makes me happy. But there does come a point sometimes that it throws me upside down. And upside down, I do not like.

They also call this avoidance.

 I seem to have forgotten {and they say that is a normal thing},  a lot of the bad days we had together when she was here, I think I have chosen to let them lie. They don't serve a purpose, they don't fix anything..they don't do anything at all. They're a waste of space. And we sorted out our issues, so it's not even something for me to bring up anymore. And for that,  I am forever grateful.

Our relationship as sisters is still there as much as it ever was, its just changed now. The love I have for her will never end & I can feel hers & her around me if not more now, than when she was alive. Whenever I want her, shes right here beside me. And  I will also be honest & say I don't miss our bickering..that was not only wasteful but unproductive and damaging to us both. Now I just love her.

{{...and miss her &... look for little butterfly signs..and remember...and and and.....}} I LOVE YOU PAM xxxxxxxx

A Collaboration

For some time now, I've been involved in a really supportive online group for adult children of people with BPD, & just recently, someone in the group came up with this brilliant idea of a book & collating all of our stories & experiences to help other people out there who also have lived with this crazy sort of existence.  Basically, whoever in this safe private group is interested, can partake & then  hoping of  having it published.  I am looking forward to reading the other members stories in whole. Or part thereof..whatever is submitted. I think a book like this would be a good read for what seems to be a bigger problem than any of us ever thought & something that also isn't common with anybody else that we all know, in our own lives.

 So I am going to use my blog. I think it's valuable and it's already for the most part, written down already. Whether to go public in the book with my real name or not is another question. I mean, this blog, yes it is out there it is public..if it got into the 'right' hands anybody could read it..but it's also mostly a secret... if you know what I mean... & I'm in 2 minds. But a book that can be found on a shelf & read anywhere..I don't know.
The thing is.. One it's the truth so i will tell it, & 2..there is something about being anonymous which can also be a good thing.

I'm excited & happy to be a part of this, a really useful tool to help other people which is what my aim is at the end of the day.

I want to talk more I want to say is that life does go on whether you want it to or not, and in saying that, I've chosen to go with it. You need to move forward & live while you have your own time on this earth. And I think that when you lose loves ones, that's what they'd want if you could ask them too.

But don't get me wrong, I'm not saying it's easy because it's not & it's a daily decision..and I'd say most days if not everyday at some point, I find myself stopping & my heart breaks all over again.
But to not live your own life & not allow yourself to go forward isn't honoring the memory of the person or persons that you lost, it's only making the loss of their life a legacy of loss, to your own life.. which doesn't seem right to me at all. There is a healthy balance & you need to find that, on your own and in your own time. 


So in saying all of that, while I can miss her everyday that I live I also want to live everyday that I have. One day when Its my time, hopefully when I'm an old old lady with Great-Grandkids around us,  she will be up there waiting &  wondering what took me so long to get there. What a sweet day that is going to be. But one that I am very happy to wait a long time for. And it brings me to my knees just imagining it.  Bittersweet but blessed at the same time. it's hard to describe it ♥

☼

I think about blogging more in here, but sometimes there's nothing to say, but really there's always going to be something to say. It's endless. But do i stop or do i keep it going? I just had to retrieve my password and the email add to even get in, so here I am I might as well post.

It's been a year already since she passed away,  14 months tomorrow to be exact. Tomorrow is the 15th. Its starting to feel like time is easing the blow & then in an instant it's as fresh as it  was the day that it happened. Sometimes at night I'm about to go to sleep & I see her face and the realization of what has happened floods over me again as if I never realized any of this before & it's shocking, just a massive shock.

And then there are other days which go on as normal & I know she is not here & I'm ok with that.


I don't even know what else to say really. I think I need to find some youtube and some pictures because I have plenty I want to say, so bear with me.

time.

She's missing things, birthdays are coming and then going & she is missing them all. I just posted a love heart shaped leaf onto her facebook page & left a '♥'...it's a strange feeling to know she won't see it or be able to say anything. I wonder what would she think if she was here or what she'd say? Today is 17 years since she became an Aunty for the first time. And I can't help but notice there's one less card sitting on the bookshelf.

It's a whole lot quieter without her xoxoxo

Wishing she was here...

So I could ring up and say "Happy Birthday Pam" and then  give her her presents.. more than likely something we picked together as we did, having our birthdays only 2 weeks apart. We'd chat all things birthday and buy eachother something nice, often the same thing maybe just in different colours.

So Happy 33rd Birthday Pam, first one up in the clouds hey? Love and miss you everyday x0x0x0x0x